Partner offended over couples sex toy I bought him

[Bamboosilverleaf]

Basically what it says in the title.
Been with partner for over a year. Sex life seems open and fun and we both love each other.
At Christmas we bough main present each and said a few jokey / sexy things.
One of the smaller things he got me was pretty lingerie that I loved.
One of the smaller things I got for him was a c*k ring as he opened it I said for both of us. He went oh ok. Got up and started a making a cup of tea. Anyway since then he hasn't mentioned it he's put it away in a draw. I wore my lingerie last night and said babe get the c*k ring out , massage oil etc . He didn't get it out the drawer. I left it, we had fun anyway.
So this morning I say to him , have you tried that c**k ring? And he said I don't really understand why you bought it , it's like basically saying I'm not enough for you or not getting your clitorous off by myself.

I'm in shock. I think I've made him feel insecure. He's being really distant with me this evening. He looks hurt. Have no idea why??

😂

They may like to ‘feel’ like they can, but the truth is very different.

You must be not like other women then, lucky you. Every single woman I know requires at least a vibrator or a very decent amount of foreplay followed by lots of oral/clitoral stimulus plus a vibrator during penetration.

How on earth do you know what every single woman you know wants in bed?

Thanks for all the replies and advice.
I really was not meaning to offend my partner by buying this toy , after reading some of your comments it looks like it was a bad choice of toy. I actually just feel really sad right now & not sure in what to do in going forward 😕

You're one woman, not most women! Plenty of research has been done on this, most women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. That doesn't have to be a sex toy, can be fingers or a mouth.

They didn’t say that though did they? The phrase was ‘a man wants to feel like X’, which is definitely endorsing the man. Who cares how the man wants to feel? We’ve cared too much about male pleasure since the dawn of man. I don’t care if he wants to feel like bloody Mandingo with a magical penis. If he can’t get me off with his penis, hands or tongue, then he needs to accept that he’ll have to enlist a teammate in the bedroom and not sulk over it. It’s such a huge ick.

I think it’s very salvageable!

Honestly if it were me I’d just say sorry I if I missed the mark here, clearly there’s more to discuss and I need to explain why I got the toy. I love you and being intimate with you but sometimes things feel a bit one sided, so I guess this was my attempt to even things out - I now realize I’ve insulted you in the method I chose, etc

Because my friends and I encourage healthy chat about our sex lives and sexual preferences. Lots of women don’t tend to do this and feel shame when discussing their needs, which leads to crap sexual partners because they can’t express their desire for either sex toys, more oral sex, or longer foreplay to be able to orgasm. Far too many women accept rubbish sex from men and are too afraid to speak up, and this leads to generations of men thinking it’s okay to just pound away and fear a vibrating piece of silicone because it makes them ‘less of a man’.

I guarantee you if you spoke to most females, they’d admit sex is infinitely more pleasurable when a vibrator is involved. Manual clit stimulation is all well and good, but so many men don’t know this/don’t bother with this/don’t do this well enough, so a vibrator is a really handy item to have in any sexual toolkit. I’m not saying every single woman on earth requires a vibrator, and I’m not insulting any of your husbands penises so chill out, but if you truly believe most women between a certain age wouldn’t prefer a sex toy in bed then I really think you’re naive.

I couldn’t have said this better myself. I really don’t know many women that I talk to that are satisfied only with their partners D.

I definitely wouldn’t/couldn't be with a man that was reluctant to go down as that’s the only way I can orgasm, and me being the very black and white, no time for nonsense woman that I am, I will basically ask a man what he enjoys/needs and I tell him What I need/enjoy before we even think about sleeping together. If we are on the same page, yay! If not 👋🏾

I learned the hard way with my last boyfriend.. was the first and definitely last time I entertain boring one sided sex.

I feel a bit sorry for the OP because whilst it was a clumsy attempt, it seemed to come from a good place of wanting to improve their sex life which is always a good thing, but if he is not interested in hearing her when she raises her concerns, or does it for a week to shut her up, then gets offended when she buys toys then she can’t do anymore really.

Whilst I’m all for an affectionate partner, unless i am at a stage where I have gone off sex and content with just cuddles and kisses, this wouldn’t be enough for me and I would basically shut down and not want to have sex with him at all, so I would actually be looking to end the relationship because we would both just end up unfulfilled and miserable in the long run.

It’s interesting that’s there’s been a pretty even split between people telling you you were wrong and offended him (agreeing with him) and others who think he is displaying really childish behaviour - and a little bit of pushback and you’ve gone into assuming responsibility and feeling bad.

Has he ever shown any concern or feeling bad for the lack of pleasure he is giving you?

You’re also talking about dissociating while doing things like replay and dressing up - sounds like this is for him again - that is not healthy. You should not feel outside your body during healthy mutually respectful sex, if anything you should be right in it.

Up to you how you proceed but this does not sound like a mutually respectful and loving sexual connection.

I spent 8 years educating my husband to use a bit of lub after I started menopause. A year ago I shut the shop for good because after 8 years he still hasn't learned. I don't know whether my husband is selfish or overly sensitive or both. He can no longer play the ignorance card. I don't want the divorce as we have kids. I am missing this side of the relationship badly but I am no longer prepared to be my husband's sex doll. My advice to you to sort out your sex life quickly by having a frank conversation about your needs. If you don't see a sustained improvement, I suggest you leave. I don't see this relationship lasting as your resentment will start showing in other ways.

This was my point exactly.
Op claims ' no it was for both of us'

I think it was a good choice of toy. Because you bought this toy, you now have seen, very clearly, that he's (potentially?) a waste of time

I think you should have one more try at a serious chat about where he's failing sexually (naturally couched in the usual ego massaging BS required by men) and if no improvement, dump asap

I'm really sorry that you're sad. I think it's a very positive move for you.....but I'm 60 and don't believe in wasting time with idiots

I think this is really harsh; how you can decided he’s a waste of time from this one issue is beyond me.

A cock ring is fundamentally used to strengthen and keep an erection - the OP , in her DP’s eyes, is giving him a ‘present’ and basically saying your dick doesn’t satisfy me, therefore I’ve got you some help.

Personally , I have and would embrace it, I can no longer use them any more but they certainly have their uses - as long as both partners are open to them.

For most couples with a good healthy sex life, something that enhances one person's enjoyment is enjoyable for both of them. I know my DH enjoys my pleasure as much as he enjoys his own so if I suggested something that would make it better for me it would 100% be in both our interests and he would see it that way. Likewise if he suggested trying something he would like I would be well up for it even if it didn't do much for me as I enjoy his pleasure. Good sex is a mutual feedback loop.

A man who can't handle criticism and walks away from his responsibilities is a waste of time

That's my opinion .....is it harsh? I don't think so, no.

I think he may be a waste of time if she's repeatedly tried to get him to be considerate in bed and he just ignores her. Which it seems he has.

I doubt being selfish is solely restricted to bed.

And I doubt that this is the only issue where he flounces off in a huff if he's challenged instead of holding his hands up and doing something about it.

I'm so sorry but I'm laughing aloud at 'babe, get the cock ring out'.

🤣🤣

We all - women and men - have different sexual preferences, with that particular partner, in that particular stage in life. I’s best to discuss these before making a decision to buy anything, just based on our assumptions and generalisations only.

Have you explained to him that the primary purpose of a vibrating cock ring is to provide clitoral stimulation during penetration, which is something a huge number of women require in order to achieve orgasm from penetrative sex? He seems to have concluded that it's about his erections, which doesn't seem to be the primary reason you bought it. A frank conversation will fix this if he's mature enough to bother with (perhaps having this conversation before introducing the cock ring would have avoided this misunderstanding).

That said, his reaction sort of implies he considers your needs a 'nice to have' rather than an essential, which doesn't bode for a satisfying sex life in the longer term. And you're right to consider the lingerie as an analogous thing. He is quite happy for you to wear 'enhancements' in order to ensure his satisfaction. How would he react if you refused to wear lingerie? Would he respect that?

To be fair, all these ppl saying 'explain to him that most women need more than piv to orgasm' etc... why should you need yo explain that to a grown adult who has been having sex for years?

We're well aware of what men want! I daresay most of us hit Google on the subject many times over the years to be sure we were making him the happiest we could! Or, novel idea here - asked, regularly and consistently.

Tbf, women might be more complicated but - all the more reason for him to have taken time and learned! And to ask questions of his partners to see what they need.

If you're explaining the bare minimum to a grown man - he isn't intetesred in a woman's pleasure. Never has been and never will be.

He is just playing dumb. And it's pathetic.

Have you discussed that with him before?

Or was this a not-so-subtle way of telling him?

If the latter, I can see why he's upset

Talk to him?

I mean, yeah. You can sort of see why so many women just accept shit sex lives and sort themselves out. Having to explain all this to a partner is just more emotional labour.