Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner offended over couples sex toy I bought him

307 replies

Bamboosilverleaf · 04/01/2025 01:24

Basically what it says in the title.
Been with partner for over a year. Sex life seems open and fun and we both love each other.
At Christmas we bough main present each and said a few jokey / sexy things.
One of the smaller things he got me was pretty lingerie that I loved.
One of the smaller things I got for him was a c*k ring as he opened it I said for both of us. He went oh ok. Got up and started a making a cup of tea. Anyway since then he hasn't mentioned it he's put it away in a draw. I wore my lingerie last night and said babe get the c*k ring out , massage oil etc . He didn't get it out the drawer. I left it, we had fun anyway.
So this morning I say to him , have you tried that c**k ring? And he said I don't really understand why you bought it , it's like basically saying I'm not enough for you or not getting your clitorous off by myself.

I'm in shock. I think I've made him feel insecure. He's being really distant with me this evening. He looks hurt. Have no idea why??

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2025 07:39

...I just flicked through your later replies but am i right in seeing they've gone from you both have fun to, he's leaving you unsatisfied?

Big red flags op, huge.

When I just read your first post I had a niggle this might be the start of abuse where they pull back/treat you bad sexually to make you feel 'not enough' (and then gaslight you when you ask for them to care about your pleasure - by making out YOU are the one making them feel insecure).

But that didn't tie in with the fact you were having a good sex life so I was going to just say to keep an eye on it.

But based on your updates, it ties in perfectly.
Not only does your pleasure not matter (because he sees sex as 'for' him) but he may also be starting to make this clear to you in order to keep you down and start making you feel like shit.

I don't buy this insecurity shit. 99% of the time, insecurity women describe here from men, is actually - control.

You shouldn't have to beg someone to care about your pleasure. And in time, his selfishness in bed will creep out to other aspects, as his mask drops. Because essentially, he doesn't view you as an equal partner. He views you as an appliance there to service him. He's a mysoginist.

He doesn't like being told that your pleasure matters. He KNOWS he's not getting you off. Its likely deliberate. He just wants you to shut up and feel guilty for even mentioning it. Because that is part of the control (and abuse).

InkHeart2024 · 04/01/2025 07:39

saraclara · 04/01/2025 06:53

So because he's not getting you off as much as you want (which you've already expressed to him) you bought him a toy which confirms that he's 'failing' and which you've admitted is a gift basically for you.
And you can't understand why he's hurt and offended?

If this OP was about a man who bought his partner a gift for himself while simultaneously confirming to her that she's not good enough, this thread would explode in fury

Men who think they are 'failing' if their female partner needs a bit extra stimulation to orgasm are weak and ridiculous. They should not be indulged.

Totaleclipseofthemind · 04/01/2025 07:39

You can’t have a relationship with him. You have to be able to tell a man if you’ve not orgasmed so you can either DIY with a sex toy or he can continue with the aid of sex toys til you have.

If he is not consistently able to bring you to orgasm during sex and he is not willing to work with you to achieve one he is not someone you can have a relationship with.

oasisnt · 04/01/2025 07:40

HelmholtzWatson · 04/01/2025 06:48

@Haveyouseenthischicken "any man who is too fragile to accept that lots of women need ‘additional support’ needs to grow up. "

Would a woman who found out their partner needed to think about their sister/best mate/work colleague to blow their load be "fragile and need to grow up" rather than feeling quite upset?

Edited

Woman needs a bit of help in addition to PIV to get off = man fantasising about her sister?

What the fuck 😂

nomoremsniceperson · 04/01/2025 07:42

I think you need to be honest with him. Only 18% of women can orgasm from PIV alone and the vast majority need extra clitoral stimulation. Does he know you're not coming every time you have sex? I use my hand and a lot of imagination during sex and I get off every time, about 50% of that is my partner's contribution and the rest is my own work. He has never been precious about this because he understands women are built differently.

It isn't realistic of him to imagine you can come every time just with what he's doing (especially if he's not regularly making any extra effort such as oral) and he needs to put his silly fragile ego aside and understand that the fun should be mutual.

Hwi · 04/01/2025 07:43

If people stop to normalise vulgarity and porn, they will benefit a lot, I think. Sex toys belong in the world of depravity, not in a couple's bedroom. If people have the need to use them, surely there are places they can go to and pay for it.

Unrelated38 · 04/01/2025 07:46

OK the cock ring wasn't really a gift for him. Its for your benefit. But the lingerie is also for his benefit.

He doesn't care about your pleasure. You've brought it up multiple times and he hasn't tried. You've told him what gets you off and he doesn't do it. He knows he isn't trying to give you pleasure. And now he's sulking becuase you bought something to give you pleasure. He knows he's not satisfying you, but he wants you to accept that and stop going on about it.

Nah. Bin him off. He doesn't care if you enjoy sex. Shows an interest selfishness and lack of care for you. This won't be the only part of your life where that selfishness and lack of caring about you will rear its head.

My DP is bloody incredible and really makes sure I am so satisfied (then makes me a cuppa) and that attitude shows throughout every part of our lives.

nomoremsniceperson · 04/01/2025 07:48

HelmholtzWatson · 04/01/2025 06:48

@Haveyouseenthischicken "any man who is too fragile to accept that lots of women need ‘additional support’ needs to grow up. "

Would a woman who found out their partner needed to think about their sister/best mate/work colleague to blow their load be "fragile and need to grow up" rather than feeling quite upset?

Edited

Respectfully, what are you on about?
It's well documented that women don't come as easily as men and often need extra clitoral stimulation to orgasm during sex. A cock ring is for that, it's an object not another person, it's not like she's having an imaginary affair with it 🙄

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2025 07:48

Hwi · 04/01/2025 07:43

If people stop to normalise vulgarity and porn, they will benefit a lot, I think. Sex toys belong in the world of depravity, not in a couple's bedroom. If people have the need to use them, surely there are places they can go to and pay for it.

I'm not sure this is the forum for you vicar.

Sex toys to get women off probably aren't used much in porn fyi. Womens pleasure not really a factor in those places.

InkHeart2024 · 04/01/2025 07:52

Hwi · 04/01/2025 07:43

If people stop to normalise vulgarity and porn, they will benefit a lot, I think. Sex toys belong in the world of depravity, not in a couple's bedroom. If people have the need to use them, surely there are places they can go to and pay for it.

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

Calmhappyandhealthy · 04/01/2025 07:55

The sex you have with him is sub standard for you

You bought a ring with clit stimulation for you.....so that you would have more chance of orgasm

He got offended because he doesn't want to know that he's substandard in bed and he doesn't want to bother thinking about or fixing the problem

Get rid of him

nomoremsniceperson · 04/01/2025 07:56

Hwi · 04/01/2025 07:43

If people stop to normalise vulgarity and porn, they will benefit a lot, I think. Sex toys belong in the world of depravity, not in a couple's bedroom. If people have the need to use them, surely there are places they can go to and pay for it.

Sorry, am I understanding you correctly? You think a woman using sex toys in a relationship so she can find the sex pleasurable is immoral, and you also think the solution is "paying for it" somewhere, aka prostitution?

Ok then

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2025 07:59

Good thing you say partner and not husband. Best case scenario with him - a life if unfulfilling sex because he doesn't care about your pleasure. Worst case scenario, this is part of an agenda at the beginnings of abuse.

GroovyChick87 · 04/01/2025 08:03

Clitoris not clitorous, sorry it was annoying me. But anyway, I find those cock rings to be a bit rubbish. You don't get good clit stimulation from them because they're on and off whilst the man is moving. You could try something handheld and more targeted. As for him, he's being a bit selfish as the toy is to provide additional stimulation for you, not him. However, I wouldn't want to use a toy I wasn't comfortable with and wouldn't expect my husband to either, so a compromise would have to be made. I think all you can do is discuss it with him, or continue having sex the way you always have and buy a toy for your own personal use. There's nothing wrong with that.

DeepRoseFish · 04/01/2025 08:13

It’s just a bit of fun OP. He seems a bit insecure to me!

oasisnt · 04/01/2025 08:19

Hwi · 04/01/2025 07:43

If people stop to normalise vulgarity and porn, they will benefit a lot, I think. Sex toys belong in the world of depravity, not in a couple's bedroom. If people have the need to use them, surely there are places they can go to and pay for it.

Using a sex toy within a committed relationship = vulgar and depraved
Using a prostitute = moral, and what respectable people in a civilised society should be doing if they don't want to be considered 'depraved'.

Honestly, some posters on here...😂😂😂

ClairInTheCommunity · 04/01/2025 08:24

I am not surprised that he is upset. You bought a sex toy as a present for a man you feel is not satisfying you in bed. You therefore bought the present for yourself, for your own pleasure and not for him. His instinct is right. Anyone with a degree of sensitivity might feel insulted.

The other thing that strikes me is that your relationship seems to be one in which communication is unclear, otherwise you could talk openly and with care for each other, about your likes and dislikes. If that isn't possible then the sex will never be satisfying.

devilspawn · 04/01/2025 08:28

Hwi · 04/01/2025 07:43

If people stop to normalise vulgarity and porn, they will benefit a lot, I think. Sex toys belong in the world of depravity, not in a couple's bedroom. If people have the need to use them, surely there are places they can go to and pay for it.

Too right, why go to Love Honey when you can go to Amsterdam and make a weekend of it 😂

Addictedtohotbaths · 04/01/2025 08:28

Bamboosilverleaf · 04/01/2025 02:15

I've asked him to go down on me more , he does for about a week then gives up. He never touches me at all anymore. Claims I'm the sexiest woman alive, always has an election. No issues there. When we piv it's good and I can sometimes orgasm from that , but I often come away feeling very unfulfilled and unsatisfied while he's laying there like a Cheshire cat

Edited
Show quote history

I had similar experience and I ended it (I posted as I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing because he was affectionate away from sex). I’m so glad I ended it, he was selfish and it was giving me the rage.

I’m prioritising sex in new relationships going forward I don’t want to put up with crap sex again.

Lostworlds · 04/01/2025 08:32

I think you just explain to him that you bought it for both of you to enjoy hoping that he would like it, not realising that it would upset him. Explain you enjoy having sex and using toys so just thought this would be another one to add to the collection but didn’t realise it would offend him. Explain to him that he gets to finish everytime whereas you don’t so you thought since he has no problem with the other toys then this one would be okay too.
Then say you two can choose things together to buy.

Isthisit22 · 04/01/2025 08:32

Why are you still having sex with him if he doesn’t even bother to touch you anymore? He’s treating you like a sex toy/ just like a hole!
It’s very worrying that you can’t talk to him about this. Sounds like the relationship is done.

babyproblems · 04/01/2025 08:39

Bamboosilverleaf · 04/01/2025 01:28

But it's a fun toy, I thought we had fun. No different to me saying to him ... your basically saying I'm unattractive without sexy lingerie is it?

Show quote history

You’re right in what you say here; but you’re obviously more secure than he is. Sounds like he actually feels a bit insecure or intimidated by the toys and your confidence. You’ve got different perspectives here and this has highlighted it. I’d tread carefully because if he loses confidence you might get the ick and he’ll spiral and your light hearted sex life might go down the pan. You need a big talk together and be prepared to try and boost his confidence again… it’s not your fault he is insecure but communication is key

Clafoutie · 04/01/2025 08:43

Haveyouseenthischicken · 04/01/2025 01:52

This is the biggest load of misogynistic crap I’ve ever read. I actually cringed reading this. “A man wants to feel like you desire him solely without any additional support”. What a load of rubbish. The majority of women require sex toys to orgasm, and any man who is too fragile to accept that lots of women need ‘additional support’ needs to grow up. What next? A real man doesn’t allow sex toys in the bedroom?!

OP - all you needed to say to him was “it’s nothing to do with your erection, or lasting longer, I just read it’s a fun way to enhance your sensation and enjoyment”. You need to be able to communicate better. He’s acting so childish by sulking, but you haven’t handled it well either.

Show quote history

I think you are being unfair to @caramelcappucino They were offering a potential explanation from the male partner’s point of view. That is a commentary on how some men may think or feel. Nothing about that endorses the man or is misogynistic.

AltitudeCheck · 04/01/2025 08:43

You bought him a gift that gets you off?? 😆 It's not exactly subtle and you've clearly hurt his ego! Christmas probably wasn't the time to remind him he's not that great in bed!

Apologise for your lack of tact on that occasion and then ask him if he is interested in learning to pleasure you or if he's happy to continue to leave you unsatisfied? If he doesn't want to up his game then I think you know what to do!

bifurCAT · 04/01/2025 08:46

Might as well have got him a penis extender...

I guess the female equivalent (for those saying he's fragile), would be asking for a boob job or getting you blow job classes.

All imply you're not good enough.