Partner offended over couples sex toy I bought him

[Bamboosilverleaf]

Basically what it says in the title.
Been with partner for over a year. Sex life seems open and fun and we both love each other.
At Christmas we bough main present each and said a few jokey / sexy things.
One of the smaller things he got me was pretty lingerie that I loved.
One of the smaller things I got for him was a c*k ring as he opened it I said for both of us. He went oh ok. Got up and started a making a cup of tea. Anyway since then he hasn't mentioned it he's put it away in a draw. I wore my lingerie last night and said babe get the c*k ring out , massage oil etc . He didn't get it out the drawer. I left it, we had fun anyway.
So this morning I say to him , have you tried that c**k ring? And he said I don't really understand why you bought it , it's like basically saying I'm not enough for you or not getting your clitorous off by myself.

I'm in shock. I think I've made him feel insecure. He's being really distant with me this evening. He looks hurt. Have no idea why??

This. I was kinda understanding his position until it was revealed he was a selfish git.

He seems a tad sensitive, couples in tune would delight in exploring, but this guy is not up for exploring and trying new experiences.

I think the word you’re looking for is ‘selfish’. He is selfish.

She could easily take offence at the sexy lingerie. He wanted her to wear that as her gift for his sexual gratification - you could say that’s a gift for him not her - they agreed to get things to use in the bedroom together.

Problem seems to be that he’s fine to have all these other toys as mentioned in OPs comments and for her to wear the lingerie he finds attractive but he isn’t interested in her pleasure, it’s all about him. Not only is he not interested in it - seeing as she’s tried many ways to show him what she likes and raise it with him - he’s now also offended he’s not doing the job - while making no effort to give her pleasure and get her off.

Essentially what he is saying is his presence alone and putting his dick inside her ought to be enough to have her satisfied - but for him the toys he likes and her wearing what he likes is a fine enhancement to the experience.

Basically he’s selfish in bed with a tiny ego and no interest in learning to be better in bed and improve the sex for both of them.

The majority of women require sex toys to orgasm? Says who?! I certainly don’t.

It’s ok to not enjoy using sex toys, man or woman.

To be honest with the benefit of hindsight which you now have, you should explain to him what you like and how you like those things done. Taking to him might be a better approach than a vibrating Cock ring. Unfortunately men are not always finely tuned in to what various women want sexually which will enevitably vary from woman to woman. Best thing to do is to have a 'reset'. He'll feel much happier knowing he's pleasing you in the way you enjoy it.

Poor little lamb, you damaged his fragile ego. If he wasn't a lazy and selfish lover his ego might not be so delicate. He knows he doesn't get you off but he's upset that you've brought something that might. Very selfish.

But then it’s not really a present for him is it?? So I can get why he’s annoyed that it seems like more of a present to yourself.

You’d have been better off getting him some fluffy handcuffs or something 🤣

Except she’s tried that and he knows what she likes but can’t be bothered to do it. So he’s clearly not interested in pleasing her the way she enjoys it.

Google reckons about only about 20-30% of women orgasm from PIV alone.

This guy does enjoy using toys, it's just this one has deflated his ego.

I get the appeal of fun sexy gifts, but in general think they're better bought together so you can both discuss your preferences and interests rather than surprised on people.

I agree that it is a bit fragile and sensitive to view a sex toy as a sign of failure, but sex toys vary a lot, and one type being appealing doesn't mean much about any others & we all get cultural messages around how we 'should' be able to perform in the bedroom that can cause barriers without good communication and consideration.

Let’s normalise women aligning great sex and great partnerships and not feeling the need to have to choose between either, or.

On one hand I fully agree with this, especially if either has always been shite and one or both people won't communicate on it - that's going to impact the other eventually. On the other I think we need to normalise that in a long term relationship, what great sex is will change & the adjustment period can take months or even years to refigure out great sex again. In those times, it is the great partnership that makes those adjustments and dealing with the painful emotions that come up when what used to work can't anymore worthwhile.

Women need a lot more stimulation (emotional and physical) to reach orgasm. Introducing toys in to the bedroom is a great way of ensuring a woman is able to get off every time. Some don’t need/want them, some do!

The fragile masculinity shown here is the problem. I see no issue with you adventuring and introducing new toys. The fact that he has internalised this so intensely is a sign he is insecure which frankly is not your problem OP!

I cant believe some of the replies you’ve had.

@caramelcappucino That is an insane comment. Lots of us (me included) have had truly mind blowing sex with men who would be utterly unsuitable partners!

@Bamboosilverleaf the lingerie he bought you was for him and the cock ring was for you. Unfortunately I think the cock ring hit a nerve which is why he's upset. He deep down knows he's lazy, doesn't pay enough attention to your pleasure, and this is a reminder. But rather than feel sorry that you've upset him, find your anger. Tell him in clear terms that you're frustrated that sex seems to stop at his pleasure, that you've shown him and asked him to do things that will make you orgasm, and that he only does those for a few days then relapses to not bothering. Say you're getting resentful that he's not been touching you and ask how he's going to address it.

To be honest, in my experience men either care about a woman's pleasure or they don't, and the ones that don't can't sustain it as it's a chore to them. So unfortunately I think the relationship is doomed.

Exactly. It’s not that hard to understand how to touch someone, it’s just it can take effort. Either a man (or a woman) is interested in their partner’s pleasure or they are not. If one of the two is not interested in that then how can it ever be a mutually satisfying sexual experience?

To be crude it then is just about getting off and using someone else’s body as a masturbatory aide vs connecting together to have a shared experience. That’s actually quite a horrible feeling to be on the receiving end of - so for him to add insult to injury by getting his ego hurt is just an indication of a selfish and immature lover in my opinion.

Not sexy.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/52243236-mind-the-gap

Valentine's Day present for him?

Male here -

i love using toys, but it’s really important to talk about toys and what each partner wants to gain from them before you go down that route.

A man who has never used a cock ring or taken a viagra tablet will generally feel quite put out by the thought of using either , especially if he believes everything is ok in that department. However, either can be used to enhance sensitivity and to stay hard for longer.

A vibrating cock ring takes things to the next level and will pleasure both partners and in some way should take away some of the emasculation as a normal penis doesn’t typically vibrate!!

Sex toys can be very fun; but I would suggest partners go to Ann summers or similar together and pick out what you BOTH want, especially if it’s the first time experimenting.

I don't subscribe to the Mumsnet trend of bashing men for fun. I feel that this couple has a clumsy way of communicating about sex (Not unusual). They've been together for 12 months, and now sex has suddenly become a significant issue. His feelings about a cock ring seem narrow-minded.

Moreover, it might not even provide the results they expect. Restricting blood flow is supposed to make the penis more sensitive, but ultimately, they are bickering about something that may not work as they believe it will.

You said in your OP that you had a fun sex life but subsequent posts suggest otherwise. I guess he knew you like sexy lingerie but your gift offended him as he sees it as a slight. It seems like you're hoping to improve your sex life indirectly, when you need to be more upfront about what's not working for you. Its pretty lazy that he doesn't touch you and just wants to stick it in. You need to have a proper conversation and if he won't listen, then consider your options. My advice, it's only 12 months, don't stick it out thinking it will get better by itself.

I’d actually question this. I think women would come as easily as men if they had the same power status and the right partner.

Quite frankly I’m shocked at the idea so frequently trotted out on this thread that women ‘need’ sex toys for additional support. No. You need an attentive man who knows what he’s doing.

Is a vibrating cock ring as difficult to em , attach to the penis as a condom? Perhaps he finds it a bit intimidating. Or just a passion killer

100% this.

He is happy to use BJ toys on himself without worrying it will offend @Bamboosilverleaf.

Yet double standards - a toy that will give her an orgasm suddenly emasculates him and is giving him some offensive message that his dick isn’t good enough.

No , it’s a piece of cake - there’s no unwrapping like a condom and a cock ring will ‘stiffen’ things up as opposed to doing the opposite like a condom can sometimes.

A penis often is NOT good enough to make a woman orgasm. It's just physiology. A man who is threatened by that is pathetic.