My daughter has moved to Australia and she’s not coming back

[pensionsums]

She’s only 26. Moved there with her husband a year ago, only for two years was the plan. Everything now changed and they’re never coming back. Aibu to be a bit upset? Would you be upset if this was you?

I was your dd in the same situation and age but I did move back after 3.5 years. Telling my parents I was going was hard. Is her dh from the UK?

We mostly had expat friends and found after a few years it was tedious/unsettling trying to find new ones when people moved back home and the Aussies mostly had their established friends already so were harder to get close to.

Also even very established families in Aus and NZ who had some UK roots seemed to spend a few years here and a few years there as jobs and family situations arose.

We moved back to the UK after thinking whether we wanted DC while we were still away from our families and decided we didn't.

To be more immediately helpful, the 12 HR time difference was actually more helpful than when I have worked with a 5 HR time difference away as there were more times when both sides are awake and not working. WhatsApp video calling is so easy and straightforward now and helps you both feel more together.

Make contact regularly and make some light touch, eg sending silly photos rather than every call needing to be a "proper catch up". Then it feels more natural and not a chore.

Plan a visit for their summer if you can. At least the sun will chase away winter blues.

It is hard to be so far away from your family though so I do understand you will be upset

Please hide this from your daughter and really pretend you're super supportive. I moved away 15 years ago and my mother accused me of abandoning the family and regularly made digs to make me feel guilty. In the end, the guilt trips were so awful that I moved back but still far away from my mother that I only have to see her once a month. Her behaviour during one of the most potentially exciting times of my life destroyed our relationship and things are just very superficial pleasantries now.

She'll likely come back when she starts a family.

I’d be gutted.

I'd be devastated . Eldest dd did a year travelling and there's been talk of living in Australia for a year or two.

I know we wouldn't be able to visit due to our son's disability, my chronic pain and money.

I'd hate it, hoping it doesn't happen.

She’s so young. In 10 years time she could have split from her DH and be back home single and sad and wondering what she’s going to do with life! Just be happy she’s happy and healthy for now.

yes I would but I'd wish them well and start saving for the airfare.

Ships aren't built to stay in a harbour 🤍

She is still young. I would keep an open mind about it being forever. My close friend has just moved back after 22 years! Make a plan to see her regularly if you can.

As long as you can afford to go out there and visit for a month every year I don’t see there is a problem. She will probably visit too. I know lots of people with children in other countries. My own mother left her country to live to the UK and her parents hardly saw her afterwards as they couldn’t afford to fly over very often and neither could my mother. My mother’s sibling went to Canada and I often think my grandmother must have felt very sad. Go out and visit at least once a year and have a lovely holiday.

You’ve raised your child to be confident, independent and adventurous- a great achievement. Your job isn’t to keep the children near you as pets - I don’t mean that to sound harsh. I come from a scattered family, so am aware my children may do the same.

2 of mils children live overseas long haul flights. She visits them pretty regularly and stays months at a time.

An acquaintance has just moved to Australia, their sibling lives there already, leaving her disabled mum alone here. I can’t help feeling a little sorry for the mum who’s been used to having her daughter care for her and is now left with no one

I’d be heartbroken.

I would try to not let the hurt show.

People who say video calls can make up the distance, well, I’ve tried that with family and it is a fallacy. there is no substitute for being there when it comes to family. It’s not a business meeting. You can’t do it by zoom.

My son went to Australia for a fortnight 3 years ago and has only been back 3 times since.
This happened 3 years after his older sibling passed away from cancer.
I'm single and it's very lonely, but he is living a far better life and has a wonderful girlfriend.
I have purchased tickets to visit them for a few weeks this summer.
The 3 of us do video calls a lot. They were here for Christmas which was wonderful. It was heartbreaking watching them leave on Monday morning.

Ultimately he's happy and that's the main thing. I am actually closer to him now then when he lived at home. I miss them both so much.

Seek strength from this OP and focus on saving for a trip there.
This may help to dilute your feelings of sadness.
Take care

I am in your situation. It is hard. You want to raise independent children and then they leave. We have sorted a rota of visits and FaceTime etc is great. It has become harder as they have stated a family. Essentially I would say you want your children to be happy but it would be so much more lovely if they were happy near you

💐That sounds so incredibly hard.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Could you move to Aus too?

Mine are only young at the moment but I want them to travel the world and not be limited by anything. I would be sad not to see her as much but happy she is getting to experience life in another country and following her dreams. I would save all my money for visits, hopefully she wants to visit you too.

This is exactly what happened to me. My career could take me anywhere but I was guilt-tripped into coming back. I hate living here, I have wasted 15 years of my life and have always resented my mother for it. She's never acknowledged what I've given up.

YANBU to be devastated, but try to show happiness for her sake about the wonderful opportunities that she has ahead of her.

I would be sad too. There would be no chance that we could visit either

You never know OP. We moved 16 hours away for work
opportunities. I had my kids out there. 5 years later the work situation changed and we are back in the UK.

My family wasn’t particularly supportive and that’s really affected how I feel about them to be honest, to the point that we don’t see that much of them even now we’re back. My advice would be to keep your counsel and be there for her no matter what. No one can predict the future.

I'd be devastated but I'm a single parent and my son is my only family. I'd probably move there too to be honest! I know other parents who have done that.

I've lived abroad myself before and my mum found it really hard even though I was only in Europe and visited every month! I wouldn't move so far away personally.

This is not true.

I moved young , with my partner (also British) and had our family here. Same as many friends. No intentions to move back.

I'd be heartbroken too.

Depending on the family circumstances, I actually think it's quite selfish. Not living abroad full stop but Australia/New Zealand. It's just SO far and so expensive. Nobody needs to be that far away. You're pretty much guaranteeing to only see each other a handful of times ever again at best.

If a parent is healthy, happy, has a spouse, has other children and/or grandchildren and is able to deal with the move then I think that's very different from a parent who is struggling, very elderly, in poor health, only has one child etc. In any of the second circumstances, I don't think it's ok. My Dad died when I was a student and my mum is very dependent on me and not in good health, even though she's not that old. I would hesitate to move to another European country, never mind Australia. It just wouldn't be fair to her.

Lots of people have said that children need to be independent and live their lives. Of course they do. But they don't need to go as far away as Australia to do that.

I think it's a sign of having raised an awesome and adventurous person and you should be proud of that.

I don't think young people realise how hard it will be to be away from family as they get older and life gets tougher. It's all fun and games when no one is sick or vulnerable and every day is a beach day

I agree with pp that they'll probably be back