Page 10 | My daughter has moved to Australia and she’s not coming back

pensionsums · 2025-01-03T22:14:16+00:00

She’s only 26. Moved there with her husband a year ago, only for two years was the plan. Everything now changed and they’re never coming back. Aibu to be a bit upset? Would you be upset if this was you?

Australianhere · 04/01/2025 11:56

I should add that my DH diligently photographs/films everything of note that our DD gets up to and posts it to her Facebook so GPs can see what she’s been doing. Grandad is her only Facebook friend and the account is locked down. It’s also a record for her when she’s older. I text my dad all the time with photos or other silly stuff I see. He finds all the biting and stinging things here fascinating so when I see a news story about a snake in someones toilet or massive croc chilling in flood water or similar crazy/horrifying story I’ll send it to him! I reckon we chat more than we would if I was in the UK.

Elizo · 04/01/2025 12:20

Lifesd · 04/01/2025 11:34

But it’s equally unselfish to choose to live the life you want without any feeling off duty.

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Agreed. I think being on the other side of the world is less than ideal. If my DS settles abroad (far away - Europe not really an issue) I’d be proud and a bit sad. Then I’d make the very best of it.

Christwosheds · 04/01/2025 12:28

saraclara · 03/01/2025 22:30

I'd be very upset. Like any sensible parent I'd put a brave face on it, but I can't pretend to anyone on this thread that I'd not feel the loss deeply.

Same. I also think that in your self-focused 20s it can feel exciting to move far away, and as though your parents will be around forever, but that sort of distance with elderly parents or small children is pretty unkind, it would have been untenable for me. I lived four hours drive from my parents and in laws, and we moved to be closer, and moved my Mum very close by for her last few years after my Dad died.

Elizo · 04/01/2025 12:55

Christwosheds · 04/01/2025 12:28

Same. I also think that in your self-focused 20s it can feel exciting to move far away, and as though your parents will be around forever, but that sort of distance with elderly parents or small children is pretty unkind, it would have been untenable for me. I lived four hours drive from my parents and in laws, and we moved to be closer, and moved my Mum very close by for her last few years after my Dad died.

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100% agree. 20 yo me could not envisage how much it means to me to be close to my widowed mum and able to get to my dad in a few hours.

Original poster

pensionsums · 04/01/2025 13:11

JassyRadlett · 04/01/2025 10:53

Gosh, who did you book with? If you book far enough in advance it's usually around £1k-£1.5k per person for flights, and then accommodation isn't vastly different in cost from other countries. Far from cheap but £10k sounds extreme!

(Singapore Airlines is having a sale at the moment, worth a look.)

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We flew with Singapore airlines and got a great deal. The flights were around £1300pp. But we went for 3 weeks and stayed in nice hotels, plus ate out a lot, and did excursions. We could have done it a bit cheaper, but honestly not by much. There's no way we would go that far for anything less than 3 weeks. Hotel rooms were £100-£200 per night, so it all adds up. We can't stay with them, as they do not have the room. I think we will most likely try to go every 3 years.

Just to clarify, we have not said one negative thing to them about the move. I am honestly chuffed they are happy. I just wish it wasn't quite so far. But of course, we will make the best of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

pensionsums · 04/01/2025 13:18

Alondra · 04/01/2025 06:01

It's upsetting and difficult to deal with, but your DD is making her own life and happiness. The only thing we can do as parents is remaining close even if they are living so far away.

I'm in Australia and have a son in Spain. It's not easy but believe it or not, we've become closer facetiming 2-3 times a week. We talk about ourselves and what's bothering us, private moments I rarely have with my 2 sons living in Sydney. He and his wife are in OZ right now and it's like he never left. Technology has made possible something that was impossible 20 years ago.

If you are close to retirement age, thinking about spending 3 months in Australia is an option. I have many Spanish friends with adult kids, spending half the year in both countries. We're planning to do the same when we retire at the end of this year. The only issue for you will be medical coverage but that's something to look into.

If you are close to retirement age, thinking about spending 3 months in Australia is an option

This is EXACTLY what we have been thinking about. DH retires in 2027. I am self employed and can afford not to work over the winter. It's lovely to hear that someone is pulling this off!

OP posts:

Discombobble · 04/01/2025 13:27

miniaturepixieonacid · 03/01/2025 22:58

I'd be heartbroken too.

Depending on the family circumstances, I actually think it's quite selfish. Not living abroad full stop but Australia/New Zealand. It's just SO far and so expensive. Nobody needs to be that far away. You're pretty much guaranteeing to only see each other a handful of times ever again at best.

If a parent is healthy, happy, has a spouse, has other children and/or grandchildren and is able to deal with the move then I think that's very different from a parent who is struggling, very elderly, in poor health, only has one child etc. In any of the second circumstances, I don't think it's ok. My Dad died when I was a student and my mum is very dependent on me and not in good health, even though she's not that old. I would hesitate to move to another European country, never mind Australia. It just wouldn't be fair to her.

Lots of people have said that children need to be independent and live their lives. Of course they do. But they don't need to go as far away as Australia to do that.

On the contrary, I think it’s selfish to limit your children’s choices. Parents need to be independent and live their lives too. Unless you have children to provide yourself with cheap carers. Parents are supposed to support their children, not the other way around

Quinto · 04/01/2025 13:29

Discombobble · 04/01/2025 13:27

On the contrary, I think it’s selfish to limit your children’s choices. Parents need to be independent and live their lives too. Unless you have children to provide yourself with cheap carers. Parents are supposed to support their children, not the other way around

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Hear hear.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/01/2025 13:39

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2025 09:39

Maybe because your post was so glib?

My kids live a long way from me. I haven’t got them at home tied to my apron strings. And if They said they were going to Australia I would never let them know how upset I was. But I’d be upset. And sending A kid off to uni abroad is so so different from what the op posted anyway. Her daughter has said she’s staying permanently. You can see the difference I’m sure.

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Glib to you, trying to present the positives to the op since it isn't anything she can control at all like many things in life.

ByHardyAquaFox · 04/01/2025 14:20

SANDRAAAA · 04/01/2025 02:32

I'd be gutted and assume she doesn't love me to move so far away.

What a load of cobblers.

artohmyletmehelp · 04/01/2025 15:01

pensionsums · 04/01/2025 10:17

You have to be under 35 to get in.

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If your profession qualifies you or as I said earlier your child sponsors you, or you are academic or wealthy. 🙄

artohmyletmehelp · 04/01/2025 15:07

Discombobble · 04/01/2025 13:27

On the contrary, I think it’s selfish to limit your children’s choices. Parents need to be independent and live their lives too. Unless you have children to provide yourself with cheap carers. Parents are supposed to support their children, not the other way around

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Parents are supposed to support their children until they can support them selves....is there a whiff of entitled snowflaking emerging? Or a deep rumble of me me me...?

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 04/01/2025 15:32

Wow there's some polarisation on this thread. A lot of exaggeration and not listening on both sides.
OP has said she is supporting their decision, and she has only expressed her sadness here on an anonymous forum. She doesn't want them to stay and look after her in her dotage. She wants them to get on and enjoy their lives. She's just sad that the distance will stop them being so close, and she will miss them. And it's ok to come on here and say that. And it's ok to feel that, she'd have a heart of stone if she didn't.

Elizo · 04/01/2025 15:37

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 04/01/2025 15:32

Wow there's some polarisation on this thread. A lot of exaggeration and not listening on both sides.
OP has said she is supporting their decision, and she has only expressed her sadness here on an anonymous forum. She doesn't want them to stay and look after her in her dotage. She wants them to get on and enjoy their lives. She's just sad that the distance will stop them being so close, and she will miss them. And it's ok to come on here and say that. And it's ok to feel that, she'd have a heart of stone if she didn't.

At last some pragmatism. I think suggesting it is selfish to move is not right. I want to be close to my parents now they are older/ I am older. In some ways that is selfish. It’s as much for me as them and preparing for what could be ahead. Given the choice if you have good relations with your family you would like having them close. Sometimes other things take priority, It’s ok. I don’t understand why anyone would not feel a tinge of sadness at their children moving to the other side of the world.

Bunny44 · 04/01/2025 15:39

pensionsums · 04/01/2025 10:17

You have to be under 35 to get in.

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How would the people I know have gotten a visa then? They were in their 50s

5128gap · 04/01/2025 16:02

Ah, I'm sorry OP. That must feel very upsetting, especially as it's not news you were expecting to hear. I'm sure you are happy she's happy, but its perfectly understandable to be sad for you. I'm also sure you will keep your game face on and make the most of the ways you can keep in touch. I'd also suggest not looking too far ahead and thinking in terms of 'forever', because it feels overwhelming, and you never know what the future will bring. Just focus on the now.

artohmyletmehelp · 04/01/2025 16:56

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 04/01/2025 15:32

Wow there's some polarisation on this thread. A lot of exaggeration and not listening on both sides.
OP has said she is supporting their decision, and she has only expressed her sadness here on an anonymous forum. She doesn't want them to stay and look after her in her dotage. She wants them to get on and enjoy their lives. She's just sad that the distance will stop them being so close, and she will miss them. And it's ok to come on here and say that. And it's ok to feel that, she'd have a heart of stone if she didn't.

This. I think op is a great parent and unashamedly loves her daughter and she's shared that with us....no need for the dark side and a wider treatise on parenting.....

JassyRadlett · 04/01/2025 16:59

It's understandable to be sad. I know my own parents are and would love if we lived in the same country.

I moved to the UK from Australia when I was the same age "for two years", twenty years ago. Met my (British) now husband, had two kids and while we have always kept open the option of moving inertia is quite a powerful force and we're doing well, kids are doing well, and while I massively miss the Australian lifestyle and miss that my kids don't have what I had growing up, there are opportunities here that I never had so it's not a clear cut one way is better.

I am eternally grateful to my parents for never been anything but 100% supportive, never trying to make me feel guilty (I do feel guilt, especially as they get older but absolutely zero of that is coming from them) and for treating our relationship as a two way street.

I compare it to my PILs who, like some on this thread, have treated DH moving roughly 100 miles away as an active rejection of them and of his upbringing. It is a very one-way relationship, we have to initiate all contact and do all the visiting. We haven't had any family support from them over the years - the one time we asked (we were truly desperate) they declined to help.

I can honestly say my kids have a closer relationship with my parents and probably see more of their cousins on my side as on DH's. A lot of that is because we prioritise trips to Australia over all other holidays, my parents come here as much as they can, but it's also regular FaceTimes and Google chat messages with the kids, shared photos and chatty bits of news. It takes effort on both sides and it's not the same as being down the road but I'm so grateful to my parents for
how they've approached one of their kids living so far away.

DS1 is planning university in Australia so I know this is likely to be ahead of me as a parent - I'm hoping to follow the blueprint set by my parents.

Boomer55 · 04/01/2025 17:00

My son moved permanently to the US when he married an American girl, about 15 years ago. We manage with phone calls, messages, FaceTime and yearly visits. 🙂

Cynic17 · 04/01/2025 18:11

CrocsNotDocs · 03/01/2025 23:48

Bloody hell all the Little Englanders on this thread. It’s not an act of love to cling to your kids and stifle them. It’s an act of love to let them fly with your blessing.

Puts on hard hat.

Absolutely this. Grown up "children" are not supposed to hang around at their parents' beck and call. Just be happy they're happy.

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/01/2025 18:18

Regular holidays down under for you

Isitsixoclockalready · 04/01/2025 18:28

I think that some people missed the point of what the OP had said. Of course she was entitled to feel upset - it's easy for people to have a 'pull your socks up' mentality but the OP is entitled to have emotions about a child that she loves. There are so many threads on Mumsnet where people are advised to 'be kind to themselves' and i think that is true in the case of the OP (who has never said that she wouldn't be supportive).

Copperoliverbear · 04/01/2025 18:31

I would not be upset they will have a better life there.
My son is moving there next year, I couldn't be happier for him, this country has had it.

ByHardyAquaFox · 04/01/2025 18:36

If you are upset about this then you got it all wrong since the start. You are supposed to support your children in taking steps towards their happiness not yours.
You are extremely selfish to think otherwise.

Snowmanscarf · 04/01/2025 18:54

ByHardyAquaFox · 04/01/2025 18:36

If you are upset about this then you got it all wrong since the start. You are supposed to support your children in taking steps towards their happiness not yours.
You are extremely selfish to think otherwise.

That’s a bit harsh. Op has said she supports her dc’s decision, but just feels sad that the future she envisaged isn’t going happen.

on Wanted Down Under, UK relatives and friends frequently declare they don’t want the family to leave, but will support them in their decision.