My daughter has moved to Australia and she’s not coming back

[pensionsums]

She’s only 26. Moved there with her husband a year ago, only for two years was the plan. Everything now changed and they’re never coming back. Aibu to be a bit upset? Would you be upset if this was you?

I have no doubt that both my children will be abroad within the next two to three years. Probably not the Antipodes. SILs are in the Antipodes. One has a great life one not so.

I would not have done my job as a mother if I hadn't given my children independent wings.

Everyone I know who moved abroad mid 20s came back when they had kids in their 30s they all want their mum and their children to have similar British upbringings

I am checking as well that you’re aware of the current religious and ethnic makeup of Aus otherwise you could be in for a bit of a shock

Ha! I thought that too, and had a little snigger.

We’re already a non Christian country, but not in the way I assume you’re implying. Christianity and religion in general has little influence on the UK and hasn’t in years (thank goodness).

As for an adult child moving away, I’m coming from a quite extreme opposite of the situation, but I have at least one child who will never be independent in life. Very likely all my children will need lifelong support in some form. If you told me they could actually lead a life away from me, have great work opportunities and travel the world, honestly I’d be thrilled. But that doesn’t diminish what they may/will achieve closer to home either, for me it’s a primal nature that children and parents eventually want a lot of independence from each other. The world is a much smaller place than it used to be. I moved 4 hours away for university and the guilt trip I had from my mother/other adults left a very sour taste, I still think poorly of them for that.

Fair enough but just to clarify if that is what they wanted then obviously I’d be happy for them but I would never want them to factor me into where they choose to live their lives. There is a big world out there and I’ve loved living and working in a variety of different places.

I know 8 people who have moved to Australia and 6 have come back within a few years of becoming parents.

That is a bit dramatic.

I live away from my family. It's a choice I've made and I miss out on family things and it can be hard but guess what, it's my life.

We left the UK years ago with our children. It was initially meant to be 2-3 years but we were very honest quite quickly when we got here that if we had the chance to stay full time, we'd take it. We weren't being selfish and we weren't rejecting anyone (wtf?!). We were just doing what we felt was best for our own young family.

That said, FaceTime is your friend and, if you can, save up and go and see them. Both sets of our parents came every year and still do when they can and we had some amazing times together doing things we would never in a million years have done if we'd just stayed in the UK. Now our parents are older, we budget both money and time each year to make sure we go back and see them.

But, in answer to your question, of course it's ok to be upset but you have raised good independent kids and that's a good thing!

I emigrated to Oz in 2013, my mum was heartbroken but also very proud of me. I hadn’t lived any closer than 300 miles away since leaving uni so she knew I was never going to live locally, but it was still hard for her. She now says she knows I did the right thing, we have thrived here and have a much higher quality of life than we would have had in the UK or Ireland (we lived in both). It doesn’t suit everyone, but most of the people I know who went back to the UK have regretted it, or even ping ponged back to Oz again, especially in the last few years. As for racism, I don’t find it any worse than the UK, and in fact I find it incredibly diverse ( and I lived in London for a decade). Like everywhere else there are issues, housing is expensive and in short supply, but wages are high and other costs like petrol and power bills are very low (thanks solar!), and it still feels like a place with opportunities for hard working people. Please try to put your game face on and try to be happy for them, you only get one life, and some people just aren’t built to stay where they were born.

I should also add all my children are in their 20s now and all have already lived abroad or have plans to do so. That's ok! It's just another place to go on holiday!

This thread is a good example of how many adult children want and expect their parents to lie. Those complaining that their parents guilt tripped them and ruined their relationships are basically saying that lying is good, and required , and their parents shouldn't express their feelings.

Sometimes I feel emotionally exhausted by having to put a brave face on things, or hiding my feelings and opinions. It's the only stage of life where I've recognised that I have to do this. It's hard.

And when I read the posts from people who say that their parents were absolutely fine about them emigrating, my reaction is 'there's a parent with good acting skills'.

But yep. I do the same. It's part of being a parent of adults. It'd just be nice if occasionally my (lovely) kids recognised the effort. But if they did, obviously I'd have failed.

Is he Australian?

This was me at 26! Went for 2 years, ended up there 8. Had 2 kids there, we all became citizens. Moved back at 34. There is just absolutely no way she can know how she will feel as she gets older. It works for now, and for the first couple of years, in her 20s, it's a huge adventure.

Try to think about it as now rather than forever. And be supportive - my mum struggled massively and I actually had counselling whilst over there due to the guilt I was made to feel about moving away.

I moved to Australia at 28 with my Australian partner. I’m now 42. I LOVE Australia with all my heart and the life we have here compared to the one we had in the south of England are worlds apart. My parents definitely struggled initially, as did I, but for the last decade they have often said that they’re so pleased we’re here because they see that we have so many opportunities we would never have back in the UK. The outdoor lifestyle and the money the gov puts into public spaces means our daughter is always outdoors swimming, at the park, hiking, camping etc. It’s an amazing storybook type life for kids. Seeing us happy and healthy makes my parents happy. But of course we daughters still need our mums! The time difference can be tricky so make sure you schedule regular video calls and let your daughter know you’ll be there even if it’s the middle of your night and vice versa. If you can, get longer tourist visas so you can explore Australia with and without your daughter. My very British and scared of everything parents surprised everyone by getting really into backpacking WA 😂. Treat it as an excuse for an adventure. You could also meet somewhere between the two countries such as Thailand. Support your daughter to come back to visit you if possible. Mostly just keep in touch. We still love and need you!

So how old are your grandchildren then?

I get why you are upset but Oz is a fantastic place.

I went for two years and spent many years there in the end but eventually moved back.

She may too.

One of mine has lived abroad for over 10 years now..........its just the same as when you drop your first one off at school or uni and, smile and wave😆👋...........then 😭all the way home, but you get used to it! I had children for purely selfish reasons but it wasn't to care for me in old age, it's their life to do with as they see fit and so long as they are happy and healthy thats fine by me!

They were lucky that their OH agreed to this - otherwise they are committed to the country the DC is born in.

Marriages at that age often don't last, sadly so she'll be back!

If you know you raised a bright, confident and happy DD that is all you could ever really ask for, you should be proud of the mother that you’ve been and set her free to fly into the unknown with the skills that you taught that will guide her. She seems happy and that surely is every parents dream for their dear children. Sending you lots of love 💐

My friend did this. Her parents followed!

WTF?

I live in a country with many migrants from all around the world, including the UK, and don't know any who moved back after having kids. Obviously there will be some who do, but others don't. You can't make such a blanket statement.

Maybe she'll stay out there regardless of her marital status 🤣 I believe women are allowed a visa in their own right nowadays..

This. I’d be absolutely gutted. But would quickly start planning for maximum trips etc. Holidays in Asia. You’ll have to make the best of it. Really sorry