I made a mistake - is he overreacting

[Frenchvanilla1991]

We started dinner for new years Day and I was opening a bottle of fizz. I have often been moaned at for not opening the bottle of fizz over the sink so I realised after standing at the bin and removing the foil etc I need to open it over the sink. Did this in a rush as the cork worked it's way up and ended up hitting the edge of the bottle off the composite sink and taking a tiny chip out of it. He went mad at me and had me in tears, telling me I have no respect for our things. I was trying to be respectful by moving to the sink. I felt honestly very upset and scared as there was nothing I could do to calm him down from the damage I'd done and he kept berating me for not taking care of the house (i really try to) . AIBU? I'll attach a photo of the damage for context.

On New Year’s Day I scratched our brand new car. When I told my husband his first reaction was to give me a hug and ask if I was ok.

When he went out to have a look at the scratch he said “oh it’s not as bad as I thought, we’ll work out how to get that fixed.”

Your husband is a controlling prick who thinks he is better than you and enjoys telling you off.

Do not risk children with your abuser.
If you can actually bear to have sex with such an awful man, bullet proof your contraception.
They always get more abusive during pregnancy and after birth, realising how vulnerable a new mother is.

If it's that much of a big deal to him can you claim on the insurance to have it replaced - the excess may work out cheaper than paying £250 plus someone to fit it

I can understand, to an extent, his disappointment that it has been damaged if its fairly new but it didn't warrant his reaction IMO

Keep watching carefully @Frenchvanilla1991. It's fair for you to speak assertively to him about his behaviour. I also believe he made a strategic apology because he went too far and you're onto him. Does he know you use Mumsnet and does he know your user name? I echo the previous posters commenting about your safety and the risk of him harming you. Once you have an understanding of what you're dealing with, as you now do, this can increase the pressure on him, even if you play your cards close to your chest. Please be vigilant and remove yourself if there are any signs of further escalation.

For those commenting on the damage and saying it's understandable that he's upset, please stop. When asked for examples of other damage the OP had caused, he could only cough up something that was actually done by his sister. He himself caused non-accidental damage to the house in a fit of temper. It already sounds like the OP is walking on eggshells as she was over the sink as per his instructions when opening a bottle of fizz. It's not helping when you try to legitimise his abusive behaviour.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ please get out. He berated and abused you for an accident but then deliberately broke something in anger unrelated to you. He has conditioned you. Please listen - this is not a good relationship this is an abusive one. He can not and will not change. He can’t control his temper. Leave.

It would be something that would annoy me too, to be honest. I get very stressed when things get damaged or broken.

However I think the context is important - in your situation I wouldn't have done it in the first place because I would have said "do it yourself then" after the first time he'd ever complained. If he'd said he'd do it and you'd insisted you'd do it and it would be fine because you were over the sink that's different to if you asked him to do it and he refused so you basically had to.

You're the same age as me if your username is your DOB. Still young enough to run for the hills and start again.

It's your house too; things get damaged. Sounds like a bully to me. Corks are inherently risky; surely popping the cork is part of the fun. What does he expect? A 20-page risk assessment for breathing in your home?

He should be laughing, not berating you.

Often, there are posts where I think people are being dramatic. However, this guy and the one who's pulled his partner's bra whilst drunk down are first-grade abusers.

If someone is breaking stuff by being careless because they don't care enough to be careful repeatedly, I would probably leave them as they have no respect for me.

In your case, why is he breaking things? Is it carelessness? Is it frustration / anger? There must be reason why they break more things than you?

Edit:

it's obviously fine for you to disagree with me, but I'm guessing you haven't been with someone who doesn't give a shit about you or your possessions?

I would probably leave them as they have no respect for me.

Or they are just clumsy...

No, they are being rude and disrespectful.

It is possible to not break many things.

My SS has ADHD, he is clumsy. My sister has epilepsy that didn't start until adulthood, she has always been clumsy. Some people just have bad hand eye coordination and that makes them clumsy.

Imagine thinking someone is passively aggressively breaking your shit on purpose to be disrespectful.

That's it? I can barely see it.

I wouldn't even entertain a man like this. I would have left long ago.

This composite sink isn't the problem. It's him. You'll always be at fault being with someone like this.

No need to imagine this as yes, there are definitely people who do this.

OP, I hope you are ok?

if it isn’t clear to you already, no one should speak to another adult like they’re a child, much less tell them off and punish them with icy silences.

sounds like you husband has anger issues.

That being said - we all only know a snippet of your life presented in this forum so I won’t advise you to leave him, that’s be irresponsible.

what I will advise you to do is seek couples counseling. If there are bad patterns and issues between you, hopefully it can be worked out there in a safe space. If you DH is actually abusive, this will also become evident and the therapist will find ways to flag this to you.

I truly hope you’ll do it. If you DH refuses counseling, Well, then that’s your answer right there.