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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I made a mistake - is he overreacting

191 replies

Frenchvanilla1991 · 01/01/2025 20:10

We started dinner for new years Day and I was opening a bottle of fizz. I have often been moaned at for not opening the bottle of fizz over the sink so I realised after standing at the bin and removing the foil etc I need to open it over the sink. Did this in a rush as the cork worked it's way up and ended up hitting the edge of the bottle off the composite sink and taking a tiny chip out of it. He went mad at me and had me in tears, telling me I have no respect for our things. I was trying to be respectful by moving to the sink. I felt honestly very upset and scared as there was nothing I could do to calm him down from the damage I'd done and he kept berating me for not taking care of the house (i really try to) . AIBU? I'll attach a photo of the damage for context.

OP posts:
DemelzaandRoss · 02/01/2025 18:05

He’s really not worth getting upset about.
Treating you like a naughty child! Yuch!
Be assertive, don’t be treated like a doormat.
Definitely one for the bin.
Good Luck.

littlemissprosseco · 02/01/2025 18:08

Oh dear, you really need to decide if this is a relationship you can spend the rest of your life in.
It’s the tiniest chip in a sink!!
Trust me a lot worse is going to happen in your lives.
You need a loving, understanding supportive partner. As as well someone who can see the funny side of life!!

That chip should be seen as you christening a new kitchen on New Year’s Eve!
Life’s going to be really hard if you can’t laugh together

LongDarkTeatime · 02/01/2025 18:11

@Frenchvanilla1991 it sounds like respecting objects is more important to him than respecting you and your feelings. Objects are replaceable in the long term, you are not.

Okayornot · 02/01/2025 19:15

Is it him who also insists you open fizz over the sink? That's kind of controlling too, if so. Surely if it spills you just mop it up? Not exactly a big deal!

And this: He said I had to understand the impact of it or I'll keep doing it. It was an accident. He is your partner and not your parent. The "impact" is a barely visible chip in the sink, but one massive, too good to pass up opportunity for him to make you feel small.

OP, he is an arse. Make your escape before you have children for him to rant at.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 02/01/2025 19:22

OP, he said we can't have nice things

But you already have nice things and don't forget that you have also paid for them.

It's not like you took a hammer to the sink FGS. Tell him it was an accident and you don't want to hear any more about it. Yes, you're slightly more accident prone, yes it may happen again and you DO NOT want a repeat of the other night where he berates you for hours. He is not your father and you will not have it.

I hope you're okay ❤️

Frenchvanilla1991 · 02/01/2025 20:00

Does anyone have any advice on how I raise this with him so he can potentially see my point of view and why it was so upsetting?

I do see his point of view of wanting to keep things nice. I don't think he understands why he upset me so much and has said he didn't mean to berate me. Maybe it is a lost cause but looking for some advice on how to communicate better here and hopefully avoid future instances like this

OP posts:
JustMyView13 · 02/01/2025 20:06

Frenchvanilla1991 · 02/01/2025 20:00

Does anyone have any advice on how I raise this with him so he can potentially see my point of view and why it was so upsetting?

I do see his point of view of wanting to keep things nice. I don't think he understands why he upset me so much and has said he didn't mean to berate me. Maybe it is a lost cause but looking for some advice on how to communicate better here and hopefully avoid future instances like this

Calmly, I would specifically mention that you’re naturally clumsy by nature and have been trying harder to be more careful (per your comments).
I’d say in that moment, you remembered the advice about opening bubbles over the sink, and moved to the sink space as the cork was already wiggling off. As you did, you chipped the sink. You’re so annoyed with yourself. But what followed was disproportionate, hurtful, and made you feel like shit. You knew what you’d done, but honestly didn’t feel like the response was proportionate - particularly as the fix is (relatively) low cost. And whilst you take that’s not the point, if you had to visualise his words - you chipped the sink and by comparison, his words were like putting a sledgehammer through it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2025 20:10

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

You will never get him to understand because he does not want to and it suits him to treat you like crap. He is a lost cause and you will never get him to treat you well. Look to ending the relationship instead, it’s far easier to do that than to remain with him because you will continue to walk on eggshells aka living in fear.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 02/01/2025 20:12

He needs to communicate better, not you.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions and how he treated you.

But I bet he won't.

AlertCat · 02/01/2025 20:30

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2025 20:10

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

You will never get him to understand because he does not want to and it suits him to treat you like crap. He is a lost cause and you will never get him to treat you well. Look to ending the relationship instead, it’s far easier to do that than to remain with him because you will continue to walk on eggshells aka living in fear.

Gently, OP, this. He chose to react in this way: haranguing you beyond the point of tears and making you feel useless and ashamed.
He chooses to behave in ways which mean you are frightened of not doing things the way he says they should be done. He, your partner who is supposed to love and cherish you, chooses to make you fearful of him. Just sit with that for a bit.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, three years and it nearly destroyed me. I had very little sense of who I was and no confidence in myself. Please consider whether this is the life you have really chosen (maybe it’s crept up on you?) and also consider reading the Lundy Bancroft book linked above.

TipsyJoker · 02/01/2025 20:35

You cannot reason with someone who is emotionally abusive. He’s is quite clearly controlling and when you step outside of his parameters, even by accident, he believes has the right to berate you. It doesn’t matter if he says he didn’t mean to, talk is cheap. You will know him by his actions. His actions show you that he believes he has the right to talk down to you, shout at you, tell you how to behave and how you should do things, to continue when he sees you are crying, to always make you feel like you are somehow in the wrong or inferior to his majesty. Let me ask you this, does he speak to or treat anyone else like this? Does he shout and go nuts at people at work, down the pub, his friends? I bet he doesn’t. Please read the book I have linked before. It will help you to understand how his mind works and why he BELIEVES he has the right to have power and control over you. He has NO right to berate you for anything. You are a grown woman. You’re not his subservient. He’s not your boss. Please, please read the book and keep coming back here to talk about what’s happening in your relationship and get support. I am happy to continue to support you as you come to the realisation that your relationship is not equal and that you are not being treated as a partner. You’re being emotionally abused. It’s not your fault and you do not deserve it.

Chipolataloolaa · 02/01/2025 21:27

is bang out of order to be nasty to somebody for something they’ve done by accident. If somebody had regular accidents, was quite clumsy but I loved them, I would just make sure that we didn’t get a fancy kitchen and everything would be quite robust. Honestly, people matter a lot more than things.

calmandcollected101 · 02/01/2025 21:36

Jesus he reacted that way over a chip?

I feel sorry you have to live like this.

BBBusterkeys · 02/01/2025 21:37

In our relatively new kitchen I was putting a wine bottle in the bin. For some strange reason I didn’t clear the bench top and put a sizeable chip in the bench. I was gutted. My husband was watching and his only reaction was lucky it was you that did it and not the kids.

Yes, your partner overreacted. Is this a once off for him or a regular occurrence?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/01/2025 21:50

Frenchvanilla1991 · 02/01/2025 20:00

Does anyone have any advice on how I raise this with him so he can potentially see my point of view and why it was so upsetting?

I do see his point of view of wanting to keep things nice. I don't think he understands why he upset me so much and has said he didn't mean to berate me. Maybe it is a lost cause but looking for some advice on how to communicate better here and hopefully avoid future instances like this

You cannot reason an abuser out of abusing you, OP.

SpringleDingle · 02/01/2025 21:56

OMG he is an abusive arse! Yelling at you for an hour over an accident??? He has got to go!

Easipeelerie · 03/01/2025 00:26

You can’t get anywhere by raising this with him. He will not ever turn round and say, “Sorry, you’re right. I shouldn’t constantly blow up and make you walk on egg shells.”
You stay with him and put up with years of abuse going forward, or you leave him.

Anotherandmore · 03/01/2025 01:50

Frenchvanilla1991 · 02/01/2025 18:01

There's been a few occasions he's had a rant at me like that but yesterday was really the worst I can remember. I don't want to leave him but equally don't want him to think it is ok to behave towards me that way. I do think he is a perfectionist and also gets very stressed about money so it's like that one thing has fed into the other money stresses and made it seem like a huge issue.

Why don’t you want to leave?

Someone ranting at you regularly doesn’t sound good.

RawBloomers · 03/01/2025 02:10

Frenchvanilla1991 · 02/01/2025 20:00

Does anyone have any advice on how I raise this with him so he can potentially see my point of view and why it was so upsetting?

I do see his point of view of wanting to keep things nice. I don't think he understands why he upset me so much and has said he didn't mean to berate me. Maybe it is a lost cause but looking for some advice on how to communicate better here and hopefully avoid future instances like this

He does not see you as having any power in your relationship, so you simply can't raise it with him in a way he will hear. You would need to show him you have power too.

The only thing I can think of for dealing with him is, whenever he starts treating you rudely, shouting at you, talking down to you, etc. to say "I'm not prepared to be spoken to like this." and leave the room. If he follows you, leave the house. Go and stay elsewhere. Text him with something along the lines of "Let me know when you've remembered I'm the woman you're supposed to love and you're prepared to talk to me as a partner, not some underling in a Dickens novel."

The problem with this approach is that he is abusive, so if you aren't going to let him shout at you he probably won't see it as an indication that, actually, he can't just talk to you like that and you take it. Instead, he may up his abuse and turn physical instead, block you from leaving, remove you access to a phone, etc. push you, drag you to whatever it is you're supposed to have done when you walk away to "show" you what he says you're ignoring, hit you, choke you, etc. The lesser stuff at first and more over time. But that may start happening even if you don't stand up to him.

BettyBardMacDonald · 03/01/2025 02:14

Jesus.

You only get one life. Do you want to spend it being shouted at by an abusive, bullying arsehole??????

If so, why?

You direly need the Freedom Programme. Please.

Ryah76 · 03/01/2025 02:25

@Frenchvanilla1991 The fact that you have asked for words to communicate with your partner about his total over reaction, speaks volumes.
You need your freedom and that will come when you realise that you are not part of a loving and nurturing relationship, you are in an abusive controlling situation.
Your home should be your sanctuary, the place where you shut the world out and feel calm and relaxed- how can you possibly feel that way in the environment where you’re literally scared to do anything in case you accidentally drop or spill something?

I hope the penny drops soon and you find the strength not to excuse his abusive behaviour and do the right thing - you leave.

suburberphobe · 03/01/2025 02:25

spoken down to for a good half hour. Horrible NY lunch

Disgusting man, time to see a divorce lawyer.

So glad I'm divorced. Christmas and NYE were just great with me and my adult son, him going out to his mates in the evening.

Honestly, material things are of no importance, your equilibrium is.

4pmfireworks · 03/01/2025 02:34

DiegoVanDamme · 01/01/2025 20:20

Do you break many things being careless and not paying attention?

If you do then I can understand his reaction.

However - your post does not seem to be saying you do. What I am getting from your post is a scared and tired woman, who feels mentally battered.

This is not going to get better, its time to move on

I strongly disagree with this post. There is absolutely no justification for him ranting at you for over an hour while you're in tears. His behaviour is abusive and deeply unpleasant. It is okay for him to feel a bit irritated but not okay for him to make you feel so bad and then to keep going. What a controlling sadist. I bet he wouldn't have behaved like that in front of other people.

I live with someone who breaks things fairly often. Do I yell at him until he cries, and then yell at him some more? No. I accept that he doesn't set out to break things any more than I do, and that accidents happen.

itsallsofuckinghard · 03/01/2025 03:07

A very similar thing happened to me years ago. I cooked dinner for my then boyfriend. I put the saucepan in the sink to soak and it melted the sink a bit. I assumed it was heat resistant. It was an accident, but he went nuts. Told me I had no respect for anything and he worked hard for his things etc. I’d never damaged or broken any of his things. Often cleaned and tidied his place. I packed my bags and went home.

unfortunately, I went on to married him and lived in a miserable, controlling marriage for too many years. He spoke to me with no respect. Needless to say we’re now divorced.