I made a mistake - is he overreacting

[Frenchvanilla1991]

We started dinner for new years Day and I was opening a bottle of fizz. I have often been moaned at for not opening the bottle of fizz over the sink so I realised after standing at the bin and removing the foil etc I need to open it over the sink. Did this in a rush as the cork worked it's way up and ended up hitting the edge of the bottle off the composite sink and taking a tiny chip out of it. He went mad at me and had me in tears, telling me I have no respect for our things. I was trying to be respectful by moving to the sink. I felt honestly very upset and scared as there was nothing I could do to calm him down from the damage I'd done and he kept berating me for not taking care of the house (i really try to) . AIBU? I'll attach a photo of the damage for context.

Hey OP, you mentioned his sister being clumsy / damaging something else - I bet he’s her older brother and he’s grown up berating her for similar unintentional mistakes. Would explain a lot about him being able to ignore your tears during his intentional rant. Best of luck OP x

It was fine. I’m interested in your intentions in posting an unnecessary dig at a vulnerable woman detailing what seems to be domestic abuse though?

The only way to avoid future incidences like this is to set yourself free. He’s not going to change, ever, other than getting worse.

He couldn’t care less about the sink. He cares about the power he has over you. He gets off on it. It makes him feel strong and gives him a massive dopamine rush to see you cringing and cowering. He’s not going to give that up. He doesn’t want to: he loves it.

Fuck him, fuck his sink, fuck his ‘if I don’t teach you, you’ll never learn’ bullshit. Who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s just some guy you met one day. Nobody fucking special. Move on.

The prick.

yikes. I have gotten very shitty at dh for breaking and ruining things but not that, and dh has broken a lot, especially in the early days of our marriage but still happens. A dozen wine glasses smashed, nice underwear and silk dresses ruined in the wash (and no I do not now do all the washing, I told him he’s not a fucking idiot and he can read and he can learn how to do washing since I married an adult) , but your dp s attitude is totally over the top and I’d be questioning the relationship. The thing his sister broke - did he replace it? Because like fuck would I replace a sink if he hasn’t fixed something his sister broke and he’s ranted at YOU about.

OP no point raising this with your partner. He is a bully and an emotional vampire and you are his supply. It doesn't matter what you do, he will always find reasons to berate you. You need therapy to explore why you are self harming yourself by staying in this toxic relationship.

If I didn't believe he was completely unsalveglable I would advise the following, "if you ever talk to me like that again, I will leaving, taking half the house, including that stupid bloody bin".

But you can't talk to him like he talks to you, right? Because you're scared. And being scared is not something you should ever feel in your home, with someone who should love you.

Please end this shitty relationship.

Morning Steve

Can we have a chat about the sink. No - I’d like to go first if I can - I have something to say.

No I just want you to listen to me for once. I am scared of your rules in my house and it is my house, your house and our house. I also paid for the sink. It was NYE and I’m so worried about opening it in the wrong place as you would kick off about that - that I ran to the sink. It was an accident. Do you understand I’m walking on egg shells and never make a mistake? However I accept you are pissed off. But I can no longer live in a house, worried about having an accident as you will go mad and scream and shout or be horrible and say I don’t care. It’s been going on for years. So I’m 2025 I suggest we separate and I can then live alone knowing I’m a clean and tidy person but accidents do happen and you can live on your own never having any accidents and living in total perfection.

You ruined new year - screaming and shouting and abusing me and I deserve better - I deserve someone that does love me and treasures me and understands I’m human - that isn’t you.

Is there anything you want to say? I’m happy to split everything 50/50 with you and do this amicably.

For me OP you have defined an abusive relationship. My DP is useless with mugs - endlessly breaking them all my nice Emma B mugs. Every single time he breaks one I don’t care. It’s a mug and I’m got him and I love him - with his big fat breaking fingers and all. I love him. Yes he always offers to replace them (they are mine as he moved in with me) but I’m more worried if he has cut himself and no I wouldn’t ask him to replace them. Recently we ordered 12 mugs for our new house and he suggested a 80/20 split in advance for all the breakages and we laughed and split it 50/50. For us a chip out of the sink might be a bit oh shit…..bugger but never mind better break a sink than a leg, slipping over!!

I imagine this is the tip of the iceberg and you have other stuff he has done. Please don’t minimise this.

OP - I opened a bottle of fizz on NYE, nearly took DP's eye out and dented the ceiling. We laughed, wrote 2024 on the cork and put it with the others.
No screaming or shouting - please get out and enjoy the rest of your life.

Gosh what an overreaction!

I broke our ensuite sink once when a stupidly designed skincare glass bottle fell out the cupboard. I apologised, we got it fixed. End of. Tell him to get a grip! It’s an accident!

@Frenchvanilla1991 you're not seeing the bigger picture.

Perhaps because you love the twatwaffle. We don't scream at and demean the ones we love. We don't do this because it's abusive.

He wouldn't scream at his boss or colleagues or his doctor or his family so why is it okay to do it to you? Newsflash - it's not.

I would be reconsidering the relationship. This is NOT normal behaviour and he has no right to launch at you over something so minor.

Remember, its your home too and you should be able to live in it without walking on eggshells.

If you don’t want to leave him, and can’t face confronting him verbally, text your points. No emotion to sidetrack your points. Say what you want to say clearly. Good luck Op, we all make mistakes. You’re a human who deserves love and respect.

Don't bother.

His reaction was horrific. I'm quite clumsy and have accidentally broken a few things over the years, and my wife has NEVER given me a hard time over it, and I wouldn't to her, either.

It's time to get out of this relationship.

Did you prepare all the dinner as well as being responsible for opening g the fizz?
If so, husband needs to spend much more time in the kitchen then these accidents won't happen.

Thanks for all the replies. I am hearing everyone's opinion and perhaps he is beyond help. Though to update, I did calmly speak to him again last night. I explained he made me feel threatened in my own home and felt berated for an accident. I gave him an example where he has broken something when he was upset (unrelated to me) and noted to him that my response was to check he was ok rather than to be angry about it and in this example it was less of an accident than what I'd done and caused more damage. He then did say I see your point actually and I didn't handle that well and he accepted that I wouldn't treat him like that. He apologised for how he reacted and for upsetting me and that he didn't mean to make me feel that way. So he's at least taken my opinion on board, whether that's enough is a different question

He deliberately broke something when he was upset? Is that what you mean?

Not helpful.

Yeah this was my question too.

@Frenchvanilla1991 breaking things in temper is another red flag for domestic violence (and another question, was it something of his that got broken, or something of yours?).

He'd kicked a chair and it dented a wall when something happened at work. I wasn't home at the time it happened and it was in his own office but had seen it when I came home

Red flag 🚩

And you let him speak to you like he did!? 🤯

They often apologise, see your point of view briefly if they get a sense you’re wising up to their behaviour. He is going to repeat this pattern time and time again, even if you do experience a brief respite from it.

Please hear us, OP. I’m afraid this man is a danger to you physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

You need to leave, OP.

He’ll do it again apology or not. He has no respect for you and sees you as an annoying child messing with his big boy things. He certainly speaks to you like one. Please leave you deserve better.

Thanks all I am listening it's just a lot to take in