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Original poster

Can't tell him about my work

297 replies

stopaskingme · 31/12/2024 11:52

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 31/12/2024 13:04

DB has a job like this. We all know it's a high security role in IT. But that's it. He isn't a spy, his job isn't a secret, but he can't share any details. If he won't accept that answer, get rid. He will be pushy about other stuff too.

BigAnne · 31/12/2024 13:04

If he's like a dog with a bone then he's not wonderful as you described him. And if your job was top secret you would know what to say.

Brefugee · 31/12/2024 13:05

stopaskingme · 31/12/2024 11:52

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

i used to work - well, if i told you i would have to kill you. Leave it at that.

And i just used to say "civil service, desk jockey" and if people pushed i just used to raise an eyebrow. And that was it. If people pushed? "That's all you're getting" is enough. At some point if relationships/friendships persisted they got "GCHQ" and that was enough

Liddlemoreaction · 31/12/2024 13:10

Just re-iterate that you move around, no point in him contacting work. This seems a it odd. My DP of 20 years doesn’t have my work phone number as I also move around!
what does your training say to doing these circumstances? I would follow that. Depending on your role you may need to flag this with your superiors for him to be checked out…
but presumably you have a cover story, so stick to it. Don’t tell him and do not deviate. Make it sound dull!

brummumma · 31/12/2024 13:10

I know people who genuinely aren't allowed to divulge what they do - they just say they work for GCHQ and then most smart people know that they won't get anymore information of the and leave it at that

Fluffyholeysocks · 31/12/2024 13:10

You normally get told on your induction what you can and can't say. Did they not give you this info? How do you think the thousands of other Civil Servants doing sensitive work manage?

Deesmond · 31/12/2024 13:12

I want to be a biscuit designer.

PillowFlipper · 31/12/2024 13:12

Just tell him you work for HMRC,trust me it will stop the conversation dead

Resilienceisimportant · 31/12/2024 13:12

TwistedWonder · 31/12/2024 11:59

What to ask someone’s work address and emergency contact details? No a not normal question in my experience.

I’ve never asked it and never been asked

Show quote history

A close family member worked for a large company (we knew the company) but in mergers and acquisitions and it was extremely secret due to the dept they worked in. They could tell us they were going away for work but not where or how to contact them (hotel etc) So we knew enough but didn’t know exact details. They had a mobile phone so we could contact if needed.

I recon the guy thinks you are being dodgy by being so evasive and not giving anything. Even in civil service if secretive there is guidance on a “back story” to give enough to satisfy his questions but not detrimental enough to compromise what you do.

There is always more than “civil service” so you are purposefully not telling him all you can or making it up. Which is it?

custardpyjamas · 31/12/2024 13:13

Lots of (all?) Civil Servants sign the official secrets act, I always assumed it was only relevant to anything you came across that was actually secret, happened to me once in 20 years, anything else I assumed was OK to talk about. If everything you do is secret I see the problem, but as said above surely you get a cover story about the really boring administrative job you do. And all the really boring meetings you have to go to all over the place.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 31/12/2024 13:14

James Bond’s cover was working for Universal Exports. Maybe you should have started with that?

Liddlemoreaction · 31/12/2024 13:14

Be really needs to back off… I have known many people who couldn’t discuss work and saying that you can’t discuss it should be enough!
Anyone from a social worker to government workers to police to run if the mill civil servants sometimes can’t talk about work!
I have a fairly running the mill job in a private company but am not allowed to discuss details surrounding financials or dealings with anyone - it’s pretty standard stuff even in the corporate world to respect confidentiality!

ARainyNightInSoho · 31/12/2024 13:14

OP you asked a question. What do you think of the responses?

rebmacesrevda · 31/12/2024 13:15

Deesmond · 31/12/2024 13:12

I want to be a biscuit designer.

Make sure you've got a good cover story...

custardpyjamas · 31/12/2024 13:15

If he's really curious and your job is really secret you should report him as a potential spy.

Pluvia · 31/12/2024 13:15

For years I thought someone I knew worked as a civil servant in the Department of Energy and its later iterations. Whenever I asked what she was up to work wise she'd witter on about developing new safety protocols for gas suppliers or negotiating access rights to enable new gas supply networks or something that immediately made me (and almost everyone else) wish they hadn't asked. Years down the line, after her funeral, it became clear she'd worked at GCHQ.

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 13:16

you dump him. If he is like this now, it won't change. My late DH didn't have a secret job but it was a job with secrets and as he got more senior it got more confidential. He would sometimes tell me that he would be going out of his office for the day but not where or why. I understood the deal and before he started getting that kind of promotion he told me what would happen and that he would have to start keeping secrets from me.....and no it wasn't an excuse for an affair before the MN brains start whirling.

rebmacesrevda · 31/12/2024 13:17

ARainyNightInSoho · 31/12/2024 13:14

OP you asked a question. What do you think of the responses?

OP's busy writing the next chapter of her spy novel.

Liddlemoreaction · 31/12/2024 13:17

You know who else might be a dog with a bone? A bad actor using you to gain information. You should probably have work do a background check on him if he keeps in at you.

lifeonmars100 · 31/12/2024 13:17

I had a job which involved me signing the official secrets act, I could disclose what I did, where I did it but no identifying details of the information or people that I had seen. Partner at the time could and did pick me up from my work place and I would talk about my day in general terms.

Resilienceisimportant · 31/12/2024 13:18

Applesonthelawn · 31/12/2024 12:48

This is why spies always say they work in insurance.

Right because who really wants to know loads about insurance if they don’t have to…..😂

Like the movie True Lies.

Zanatdy · 31/12/2024 13:18

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2024 12:57

Emergency contact details? Really?

Show quote history

Well he is probably asking that as he is suspicious. It’s normal to talk about what you do 37hrs a week with your partner. I suspect he’s thinking she is making it up

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 13:19

Liddlemoreaction · 31/12/2024 13:14

Be really needs to back off… I have known many people who couldn’t discuss work and saying that you can’t discuss it should be enough!
Anyone from a social worker to government workers to police to run if the mill civil servants sometimes can’t talk about work!
I have a fairly running the mill job in a private company but am not allowed to discuss details surrounding financials or dealings with anyone - it’s pretty standard stuff even in the corporate world to respect confidentiality!

yup, same in clinical work in the NHS...all confidential.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 31/12/2024 13:20

I did once accidentally start getting to know a married man. I had no idea he was married, but he was evasive about where he worked as well as where he lived. It didn’t take me long to put two and two together. Your boyfriend may not be a spy, but he could be worried that you have another relationship.

noidea69 · 31/12/2024 13:20

Dunno, when a man is secretive about what he does for a job in the way you are being the assumption would be that he has wife & kids somewhere.