Can't tell him about my work

[stopaskingme]

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

If you're that level then doesn't he need to be vetted too?
We had to be checked for dd's boyfriend (at that point of a year, not living together) job at the civil service.

Like PP have said, surely you were prepped for this?!

If not, you just give the minimal version of the truth? “An analyst”, “software development”, “logistics”, whatever…

Doesn't your employer give you advice of what to say if you're asked this sort of question?

My role is sort of similar in that I can’t talk about it/it’s confidential, etc. I would just say, ‘I work for the CS. Can’t say more as I am bound by the official secrets act, but it’s really not that interesting anyway. I’m home based and travel to various CS locations. Anyway enough about me…’
If he doesn’t accept that, I would consider ditching him, because really, why does he need to know…?

Are you in Northern Ireland? Civil servant there frequently means (or used to) police officer.

I agree wanting to know your work address and emergency contact is a bit much after six months.

Yeah, this doesn’t make much sense but... My exH worked for GCHQ, mobile phones had to be locked up in an external locker, he wasn’t allowed to take any sort of electronics on site. But I did know where he worked and had an extension number if I needed him. He was a civil servant. He wasn’t supposed to tell all and sundry where he worked but his friends and family knew.

I guess if you’re an actual spy or a spook you’d have training on what cover story to give, tbh.

I am a civil servant and I deal with people from another government agency who are allocated names and are not spy's etc. It is a real pain when organising conferences etc because of guest lists and ID etc.

If its become a serious relationship you will need to contact vetting surely as they will need to check your partner. It's on my list of responsibilities for my ongoing clearance level that I report any changes to my relationship status immediately.

So when you contact vetting to update your relationship status they should be able to give you advice on what to say - though it may raise a red flag with them that he is asking for details.

If a man was being cagey about his work red flags would be waving all over this post

Such a strange thing to post. If you wanted suggestions you could have said you were early in a relationship and wanted to be vague, anyone on here have ideas.
Your subject highlights you as having an undercover role. It reminds me of my sister and I teasing each other when younger (I know a secret you don't know). OP I really couldn't care less and think you may have an ego issue!

There was a weirdo called Paul Bint who masqueraded as Keir Starmer and had a James Bond complex. I think he's in prison.

This. I got to know someone in a similar position and he told people he was a biscuit designer.

Normally people like you would tell people you have a really boring job in stationary and bang on about the cost of staples or ring binders. It's not that hard to deflect.

If you can't sort this out, I'm worried for the rest of your ....employment/deployment.

Personally I was thinking more of your partner needed to contact your work because you were in an accident or something. You can’t just ring a government office and ask to be put through to someone’s manager

You will have been told how to deal with these situations. I worked SS with DV, and was told basically what to say. When I met my new partner at that time, I said that I worked in a government role but I was unable to say more than that. Once we had been together a while, a few months, I did give him my managers name and phone number in case of an emergency. Anything else I just said "you know I can't tell you that". I was able to tell him roughly where I worked geographically. Similar to I was advised what I could say on a CV and in interviews. If you still have your SC / ESC / DV booklet it covers this.

I am a civil servant and I deal with people from another government agency who are allocated names (usually first name and an initial for their surname only) and are not spy's etc. It is a real pain when organising conferences etc because of guest lists and ID etc.

You could randomly assign everyone an image as a unique identifier, like the stickers above coat hooks at nursery schools. Then make them walk around with a 🍏or 🐼badge.

I knew someone who was an actual spy, and another friend worked for GCHQ, having held a high security job prior to that. They were both more open about who they worked for, than I expected, though of course, specifically what they did was not discussed. I remember the GCHQ friend using the 'but then I'd have to kill you' line, jokingly but effectively, when pushed on it by another friend.

So yes, I don't know why you don't say "I work in a secure role, so it's not something I can go into"

Surely you are told to have a boring cover story for this purpose, maybe an admin role like a PA or a staff training manager?

I highly doubt OP has a security clearance.

But if they do, all the aftercare info is online these days and you can of course also contact your internal security advice team with any concerns.

.

This!

I actually think biscuit designing sounds interesting. I'd be asking that person a lot of detailed questions about the biscuit industry!

Severely tempted to do this for the next event 😅

From experience people in your position (assuming its what I think) are told what to tell people by their employer.

My ex was briefly a "civil servant" and that's what we told everyone he did. "Oh, he's now a CS, working for the MoD". Which he was, but that wasn't his whole deal 😊. He wasn't a spy but he did sensitive work for the government.

I accepted a certain amount of darkness when exH started working at his new job but there was a greater good for that. National security. It was none of my damn business.

ExH left because they discovered I'd filed for divorce & they were angry he didn't let them know in advance of his "change of circumstances" so that was that. When you are in a relationship with someone who does sensitive work you are surveilled and checked regularly. Does your employer know about him OP? I wonder why he's being so inquisitive, actually. Tread carefully.

Exactly. And with ESC / DV (not sure about just SC) she would have needed to inform them about the relationship already anyway.

If you were a Doctor or Lawyer you wouldn't be able to discuss the work except for a general overview. Certainly nothing about the clients/patients

I am a biscuit designer, but can't talk about my work. The biscuit industry is cut-throat, dontcha know. 🕵️🍪