Can't tell him about my work

[stopaskingme]

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

My best friend is married to an engineer. She knows he is an engineer. She also knows who his employer is (as do I). She does not know where he is working at any time, and she does not know what he is doing. He takes the Official Secrets Act very seriously and he is not allowed to tell anyone. In an emergency she phones his personal mobile.

Do you think he might be friends with Prince Andrew?

Sounds entirely possible!

If you're a spook are you allowed to tell your spouse/ long term partner?

Or is it like the plot of True Lies?

I’m having trouble believing you’re a civil servant

OP didn't say she is a civil servant - she said that's what her employer told her to say.

It sounds like your employer hasn't really thought this through if they don't have a more detailed cover story, OP.

I don't think it's unreasonable that he's asking more questions at this point as he's obviously sensed you are being shady and evasive about it all, and he's understandably nervous about getting more serious with someone who's got some sort of big secret going on. I'd be asking questions too.

If you had given a sensible cover story in the first place, he wouldn't be probing further, but your vagueness has tipped him off that you're lying.

Given all the documentaries and articles about romance scammers nowadays, it's perfectly reasonable for someone to be suspicious of someone being vague before wanting to get serious with them.

You just lie, obviously. You work in admin, you’re a system administrator for something boring, you go around the different offices implementing new training procedures/ office managing etc etc. Make it boring. You’ve made it too mysterious.
This is a pre requisite of being in a secretive job and you probably shouldn’t be doing it if you’re falling at this first hurdle

I thought the standard response to to 'secret' jobs is something along the lines of 'oh I just work in payroll/accounts/bought ledger'. Usually a quick way to kill a conversation.

Why a boyfriend would need emergency work details when he has an emergency family contact is beyond me though.

Exactly.

Sure you do. When I met my partner he just said I'm not allowed to discuss the ins and outs but I'm with the civil service. Fair enough. Couple of years later he had to go to America for a couple of months, I was allowed to know a bit more - he's in cyber security. Ten years down the line he's in cyber threats for a bank. 🥱

So you’re a highly trained intelligence operative but have to go to MN for help with a cover story. Right…

Surely if you have a job where you’re not allowed to/advised not to disclose those kind of details there’s also guidance about how to handle situations like this.

Maybe he’s worried that you’re a fantasist who likes to pretend that they have a secret, exciting job.

He probably either thinks you do something very interesting (e.g. a spy) and understandably wants to know more, or he thinks you’re lying. Just tell him you’ve told him everything you can for whatever genuine reason (official secrets act, you’ll be fired, you work with criminals etc.) and that he needs to drop it.

What does he do himself? I once briefly dated someone whose parent was high up in national security and he wanted to know full names and information for all my clients. I don’t do an interesting job at all but his suspicion and insistence totally put me off him

Massively controlling. Major red flag when you've only been going out a few months.

This would make me check my car for trackers and make sure all my work stuff was locked away.

omg are you Kiera Knightley in Black Doves?

So you can't tell him what you do. Which implies you're in the security service. But then you come onto Mumsnet of all places to ask how to conceal what you do. I'm pretty sure this would be a key part of training so perhaps you're perhaps not as important as you think you are....

If you are a proper secret squirrel CS then you will have been given training on work as to what to tell people. I am a CS and allowed to say what department I work in. My security training covers people trying to get friendly with you because they want access to your work and/or work place. I find it very hard to believe you have a security clearance so high you can't tell people where you work but you don't know what to say when asked.

Maybe the OP works in Slough House?

Tell him that if he needs to know the ins and outs of your job he will have to be taking to a holding centre and thoroughly vetted including blood tests and an anal cavity search as part of the assessment.

Jackson Lamb won't be very impressed . I mean, he's not impressed most of the time but he'd show you a level of contempt for your incompetence that would be the stuff of memes.

Are you a Naked Civil Servant like Quentin Crisp?

Someone’s been watching a bit too much Black Doves

Either you’re being unnecessarily secretive about what you do and it’s not that much of a big deal

Or it is a big deal in which case you’d have a cover story / more specific details you can give eg. Department / guidance from your job, and you wouldn’t be posting on mn 🤣

If he's tracking her, he wouldn't need to ask!

Clearly he's suspicious as he doesn't want to get too serious with someone who's lying to him. He must know that actual spies have a proper cover story and he's probably worried OP is a criminal and/or con artist.

Although, to be fair, even a criminal or con artist would have thought through a convincing cover story in advance.

And if you’re our country’s brightest and best in charge of our national security then we’re in trouble 🤣

A personal mobile number may be useless for contacting anyone working with sensitive/secretive information as the generally don't have access to their phones during working hours. We found this out when trying to contact my DB when my DF died suddenly. He only picked up the messages when he'd finished work. His wife did have an office contact number for him but we didn't know this at the time.