Can't tell him about my work

[stopaskingme]

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

This is why spies always say they work in insurance.

I do love a bit of spy drama ☺️.

He sounds rather pushy, so for your own sake - dump him!

My friend used to work for GCHQ and just used to say she was a civil servant. After she retired she revealed where she had worked and that she was an IT expert but would not, could not and will never say anything more than that. Back in the day all her family friends and husband knew was that she was a civil servant and that she couldn't reveal any further details.

Surely to goodness if you have a role where you can’t say what it is, you should have enough sense to have a cover story. I have a friend that can’t tell anyone other than spouse their job (and no, it’s not MI5 equivalent). Their spouse knows, mother (when alive), knew and I know. Their siblings don’t know, their children don’t know and my DH doesn’t know. They were basically given a cover story for when people asked, being a non-existent government department which I think is officially listed as a department but is Clayton’s, has no contact details or some generic number/address which goes through to another department who state that dept can’t assist and will get another that can.

Don’t you have colleagues? isn’t there a procedure that people use when in that same situation? Find out from Work what the protocol is and stick to it.

I love how most responses are so blasé about it. Yet I'm sure if it it were a reverse then it would be red flag city that a man wouldn't tell specifics about his job.

I had a friend who worked with children services/DV/SS type of stuff she wasn't able to speak much about her job or where she was located either. Even though it was just an admin role. She would just say she worked with sensitive cases and vulnerable client groups and unable to disclose specifics. So maybe you could just say something like that?

Just say you work in a team with sensitive info, or do admin or manage a team, or set and influence strategic aims (depending on your level).

I’d be interested in a person I’m dating’s job - I’m always interested in what people do but I believe on mn that’s not important but there’s a list of things we can’t talk about so probably best to sit in silence.

Why does he need to know all this? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve been married to Dh for 16 years. Thinking about it now, I don’t know his work address or an emergency contact number for him. 😂 I suppose I could look it up, but I’ve never been there (it’s 2 hours away). I also wouldn’t know who to contact if something happened to him. He’s the boss, so the contact number on the website is his. I could go through his phone to find his business partner, but that’s about it. Dh definitely couldn’t tell you where I work or probably even the name of my line manager (I hate her and don’t speak of her).

I had a friend who ‘worked for the civil service’ but couldn’t go into more detail. We knew he had a background in IT security. We used to take the piss out of him a bit, but otherwise just accepted it as it was and didn’t ask too many questions. None of our business.

OP, this is very hard to believe.

You wouldn’t have got this job in the first place if you didn’t understand how to deal with situations like this. Then, on starting the job you would have had training in how to deal with it.

In the very unlikely event you really haven’t been trained in what to do about this I don’t understand why you don’t have the common sense and nous to know what to do. You just make something up. There are any number of ways to describe any job avoiding the actual title without lying. I know this, as I had to do it myself for years (not in intelligence work but worked for an organisation which many people disapproved of).

Finally, after just 6 months I find your boyfriend’s questions odd and far too probing. If this situation is real I would be more concerned about him than what you say to him.

You do not come across as the type of person who would do the job you claim.

Why is this hard?

Either:

Sorry, there is an element of confidentiality around my role and I can't share more than I have. Please stop asking. The End

Or

I work in a governmental/policing/whatever role, advising/trouble shooting/accounting/recruiting/whatevering. It's pretty dull but at least I get to move about and not be office based. The End.

Are you DV checked? Surely they tell you what to say. Otherwise just leave it vague or make it sound more boring than it is.

For emergencies, it’s standard to have an emergency call centre number if you have to leave your phone in a locker.

My job involves investigating financial crime but I tell people I work in accounting. I say the area I work in and the name of a Govt dept but not the exact address. No one cares.

My friend in the MOD just used to say ‘I’m not allowed to say what I do but it’s to do with the army’.

OP, as you’re anonymous on here can you say roughly what section you work in? Obviously not the security service or allied trades as you’d have answers to your question already.
At a guess, you may be involved with undercover Police work, intel gathering and so on, which requires confidentiality, but not top level clearances.
As others have said, when asked boring questions, one just invents a boring job, which is close enough to reality so you don’t forget what you said.
You may know that you should report new relationships. You need to confirm who this pushy chap is, and get a basic background check done.

Call in an airstrike or have him neutralised by your team.

FFS I call bullshit on this thread.

I did. I asked him why custard creams all have those wiggly lines and what the inside of bourbons are made of and he had good answers for all of it. He was even able to explain why some biscuits dunk better than others, how they are shaped so they release from the moulds on the machines and why the packaging is shiny on the inside as well as the outside. He was brilliantly quick in every respect and that is why he was in the role he was. He had never been near a biscuit, not in a professional role anyway.

Emergency contact details? Really?

Are people bored today mumsnet is batshit this morning with posters writing bizzare stories and then vanishing into thin air or is mumsnet trying to boost interactions 🤔

I’m a “civil servant “ and have a full cover story. I don’t know anyone in our business who doesn’t.

Your story doesn’t add up OP. Is it still school holidays?

Lie

Maybe he is a mole been sent by your organisation to check on whether you can abide by the rules!! Seriously though, tell him you have signed the official secrets act, you cannot tell him anything else - and the next time he asks you will dump him. And do so!!

Yes why do you find this odd

It might be he's imagining all sorts of outlandish explanations regarding your job. Perhaps he thinks you secretly work within the sex industry and are lying about being a civil servant! You also have to see that if you were a man stating you worked in the 'civil service' and were vague about your job, most would claim you were lying and secretly hiding something nefarious! I completely understand you can't tell him about your role, where your based etc. You perhaps need to sit him down and tell him that you honestly are not allowed to disclose any information, you are bound by the Official Secrets Act, he needs to stop asking you detailed questions that you simply aren't allowed to answer, there's nothing nefarious going on etc and he needs to trust you.

now that's weird.

In normal conversations and normal relationships, and I mean with simple friends as well as partners, some details of your real life employment come up, there's no questioning involved. It's pretty normal to mention your address, your job. It can be only to arrange to meet up for lunch, or diner after work or when people are in the office or working from home.

How can that never be discussed with a partner?

I'm impressed! I wonder if he had a personal interest in biscuits, so he got to indulge it by pretending that was his job.

It's much more interesting that all this "civil service" nonsense.

Really? What do you tell family/friends/previous relationship people???

This is very weak. If you have a role you cannot discuss with others then you have a cover story *discussed and developed with you.

Tosh.

Honestly it's amazing how many people are quick to volunteer information about themselves/ their ex's in dodgy former roles etc etc... not sure Mumsnet is infallible 🤐

Anyway OP why don't you just tell him you are in accountancy/policy/building surveying/IT or some other deadly dull CS role which requires you to visit multiple sites so you don't have a base as such? Then you can drone on and on about spreadsheets/policies/sq ft/networking issues until he's bored stiff, then he will stop asking.