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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't tell him about my work

297 replies

stopaskingme · 31/12/2024 11:52

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

OP posts:
rebmacesrevda · 31/12/2024 17:03

Birdscratch · 31/12/2024 17:01

TBF Russia should LTB.

He is the ultimate cocklodger.

Fucking everyone in Russia, and stealing all their resources.

femfemlicious · 31/12/2024 17:04

Are you mi5?😬

FeegleFrenzy · 31/12/2024 17:15

IridiumSky · 31/12/2024 16:38

There’s a load of rubbish on this thread about ‘signing the Official Secrets Act(s).’

Whilst attention may be drawn to the provisions and an NDA is often signed, ‘signing the OSA’ is no more necessary then signing the Road Traffic Act after one passes the driving test. 🙄

When summoned for speeding, saying, “Aha! but I never signed the Road Traffic Act so you can’t touch me’ is unlikely to be a successful defence posture.

I definitely signed a piece of paper headed “the official secrets act” with a load of detail in it when I joined the police 30 years ago. I can’t imagine any record of my signing was kept, think it just got “filed” in a filing cabinet. 😁.

There was something about possible imprisonment if I broke the official secrets act. 🤷‍♀️. Maybe the guys were just pulling my leg.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/12/2024 17:29

IridiumSky · 31/12/2024 16:38

There’s a load of rubbish on this thread about ‘signing the Official Secrets Act(s).’

Whilst attention may be drawn to the provisions and an NDA is often signed, ‘signing the OSA’ is no more necessary then signing the Road Traffic Act after one passes the driving test. 🙄

When summoned for speeding, saying, “Aha! but I never signed the Road Traffic Act so you can’t touch me’ is unlikely to be a successful defence posture.

I'm talking about the late Seventies, early Eighties, when I knew a few people who went into some branch or another of the civil service, and they all said they had to sign the Official Secrets Act. One of them was working as a temporary clerk in a local government office and we all thought it was ridiculous. Anyway, maybe things have changed in the past 45 years or so, but it was definitely a thing then, they wouldn't all have separately made it up!

Isobel201 · 31/12/2024 17:35

I work as a civil servant, but I have told close family and friends what I do. Its no big secret - I just cannot publically say it to a larger audience i.e. on a social media platform.

Birdscratch · 31/12/2024 17:39

Are you Larry the cat’s PS?

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 31/12/2024 18:18

If OP is really real (and I’m not saying she isn’t) & she doesn’t know how to apply her basic induction training knowledge on how not to answer questions, then maybe whichever role she has within the Civil Service (perhaps one of the MIs), or for a Security or Defence contractor isn’t for her.

Having a husband who works within the secret side of things is brilliant, as I don’t get any of the boring office gossip from DH when he finishes work. No discussing boring tech issues! No whining about Colin the Spreadsheet Gardener (sorry, biz analyst) having a row with his counterpart about some dull methodology point that actively makes my clitoris wither! It’s epic!

He comes out of his (very secure) home office at 6pm and the work day is over. Fucking bliss.

Do I know the company her works for? Yes. Do I know where he’s going if he has to visit off site? Vaguely. Can I contact him in an emergency (it’s all lock away comms devices when on site)? Yes, via a single phone number to a specified work office, and a message is passed on to whichever site he’s on. Was he taught in his induction when he started at the company on what to answer to prying questions? Of course! Which is why, if the OP was actually having issues with irritating questioning she wouldn’t be coming to an open forum for bloody advice lol!

Brefugee · 31/12/2024 18:31

i used to talk about office bullshit all the time. Worse for spouses was if we all got together and talked about stuff without "talking" about stuff, iyswim?
Or the time we told a dirty joke by morse code... (which we didn't really have to know tbh, but learned on boring night shifts)

K8ate · 31/12/2024 18:55

I think it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable that your partner wants to know about your work.
Does your best friend know what you do by any chance?

AndOnAndOn1000 · 31/12/2024 19:02

You're not convincing in the slightest.

The written structure of your post is a huge giveaway, starting with the first sentence.

VintageRadio · 31/12/2024 20:12

trendingdiscussion · 31/12/2024 13:57

he can’t say he works for the DWP?
he can’t say he works for planning department?
he can’t say he works for environmental services?

Oh come off it!

Show quote history

Agreed. This is total BS.

slightlydistrac · 31/12/2024 21:22

I signed the Official Secrets Act in the 1980's when I started work at a place where it was a requirement. 😂 Still bound by it now, and I've also had to sign an NDA at another workplace.

I tell people I do credit control. They soon lose interest after that.

fanaticalfairy · 31/12/2024 21:47

slightlydistrac · 31/12/2024 15:31

If you haven't already worked out why a 'new' boyfriend might be asking these questions, you're probably in the wrong job!

He's a spy for China!!!

JudgeJ · 01/01/2025 01:00

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 31/12/2024 15:19

I know nothing about my husband’s work other than he’s ‘civil service’. I respect him for his service and the fact he’s signed the Official Secrets Act. We never talk about his job other than who has wound him up 😂 so personalities not details! It’s always been this way and there’s a switchboard number for emergencies which I’ve used a handful of times when our children have had accidents etc.
OP you need a sensible conversation with him. I presume sure your employer gives you guidance?

We were surprised when OH went to teach on military bases overseas that we both had to sign the Official Secrets Act, we thought it was quite funny. However at one point we were in the Officers' Mess and some of them were talking about a new system, one however suddenly stopped and said Oh shit! Apparently it was very secret and we were told in no uncertain terms to forget what we'd heard, having signed the OSA we could be jailed otherwise. I now know just how significant it was though.

saraclara · 01/01/2025 07:47

FeegleFrenzy · 31/12/2024 14:12

In theory the Official Secrets Act means you're not supposed to tell anybody anything

this is true. A friend of mine her son has started working in the local civil service office as an admin assistant. I can’t imagine he’s privy to any state secrets but he’s signed the official secret act and takes it very seriously and won’t discuss work at all. But he’s allowed to say where he works and that he can’t discuss it….which ime people are accepting of.

It's not true. I've signed the Official Secrets Act, and an very well aware what it means for me. I certainly don't have to play at being secret squirrel, and can talk in broad terms about what I do. It's no different from the confidentiality agreement in many jobs.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 01/01/2025 08:26

Just be honest with him. Tell him you're not allowed to give him any further details. If he continues to push then he's not a nice man and he's not respecting your boundaries.

Tbh I'd want more info on my partners job if all I got when I asked was civil servant, so I can understand his questioning.

slightlydistrac · 01/01/2025 12:00

fanaticalfairy · 31/12/2024 21:47

He's a spy for China!!!

Show quote history

You might very well think that, but I couldn't possibly comment. 😂😂😂

GoldOP · 01/01/2025 17:51

Been married 21 years, husband doesn’t an emergency contact number for work, we have mobile phones so why is a landline number needed??

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/01/2025 17:56

foxyfoxedfox · 31/12/2024 11:59

I’m having trouble believing you’re a civil servant. People who work for MI5 or MI6 will say they work for the home office or FCDO respectively and have cover explanations they can give about what they do. People who work for departments with higher security requirements like the FCDO can share that they work there. I’m struggling to think of a genuine civil service occupation where you wouldn’t have a ‘civilian’ explanation you could give. Maybe he thinks you’re a fantasist as you’re being needlessly secretive and evasive and frankly you sound like one?

I don’t think it’s that weird to want to know how to contact your work in an emergency, eg DH and I have numbers for each other’s line managers, but six months seems early for that.

Edited

Another KIA.

tommyhoundmum · 01/01/2025 18:00

You just tell him you've signed the Official Secrets Act, like all Civil Servants, whatever they do, and cannot divulge details of your duties. If he keeps on have a word at work and they will look into his background to see if there is any security reason why he appears to be so interested. I am sure you know this so please just do it.

fetchacloth · 01/01/2025 18:15

Personally I would hate that level of inquisition and his persistence would be a red flag for me.
All he needs is an emergency contact number and that's that.

Scotland32 · 01/01/2025 18:45

If you really work in a job where you aren’t permitted to give detail, surely
you have been trained in what to say/what the cover story is??
If you don’t, surely there is no issue with just telling the truth??

Shotokan101 · 01/01/2025 19:26

stopaskingme · 31/12/2024 11:52

Just that really.
Been seeing a wonderful man for almost 6 months and I see potential in a future together. All is great on that front.
Issue is that I can't tell him exactly what I do for work. All I'm allowed to tell him is that I work for the Civil Service, and they steer the conversation on to something else.
At first he was ok with my Civil Service answers but lately he's been asking more about exactly where I'm based, a work address, emergency contact number and so on. I move around, no fixed work address and he has my family's contact details in the event of any emergency.
How do I get him to stop being so pushy about wanting to know the ins and outs of my work? I've politely asked him to respect my explanation that I'm a Civil Servant but he's like a dog with a bone!

Joke post right?

....or....

  1. this is your first "non one night stand" relationship?

  2. why do you find "his" behaviour/interest so strange? [His name is Boris or Ivan, right ?]

  3. if you are genuinely involved in ANY of the various "lines of employment" that you're post implies then you should be very much aware that such situations are not only to be expected but extremely common - in fact your "employers" would have already informed you - and had you sign legal documents acknowledging receipt and understanding - of the correct procedure to be followed by yourself should the situation arise - and I can GUARANTEE that they don't include publicising the situation on a very public forum such as this.

I reckon that your next move should be to pack an overnight bag since the next steps probably involve your "handler" either moving you on to your next undercover posting - or more likely getting you back at the office for the scheduled full psyche exam which you must have missed while working so selflessly fir King and Country.....

PetuniaT · 01/01/2025 19:27

CleanShirt · 31/12/2024 11:54

If you really are a "civil servant" (wink wink nudge nudge) should you really be posting that on here?

Exactly! And don't forget that "a secret is something that you only tell one person at a time". - a genuine response from a new start on my security induction course many years ago

Nickyknockynoo · 01/01/2025 19:27

I call BS on this post. There’s a big difference between signing a document saying you can’t blab about anything and going through DV clearance or even worse, eDV. I’d imagine there’s even a process and guidance for what to put on your CV,how to obtain references if your leave to work elsewhere and very much what the rules are on who you mingle with and what vetting they are required to be subjected to.

In addition to this, I’ve seen the film True Lies and you just tell people you work in sales.

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