Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend.

You said he didn’t go to punish you, not because he’d stick up for you???

@Fluufer im not in my sixties.

I chose another house. My DS suggested this. Not even my style. It's not a big posh house but is in a commuter location.

In the OPyou said he doesn't pay rent or board? Was the set up made clear?
What was he actually supposed to be paying?

@Tiredtrudy wishing you all the best and hope your treatment in January is more successful.

I despair when I read the responses and relentless pursuit of the OP by some. So much for compassion and support.

£300 per month.

With respect the OP didn’t ask him to take out the loan. He volunteered it because he thought the more expensive house was a better deal/. OP was happy to go for something more within their means. And the original deal was not that he could live rent free, it was that he paid £300 per month in rent, which he has never paid. So when OP could no longer pay, the £400 loan payment really should have been viewed as his contribution to rent. OP didn’t ’tell’ him anything - he came up with the arrangement himself. My main problem with this was that if he was so much of a financial wiz why didn’t he protect himself against OP defaulting ?

Oh OK.. so did he ever pay this? Has he included it in his chart by deducting it off what he thinks you owe him?
That us unreasonable of him if he hasn't done that

Not a lot of that.
But thank you to those who have given me some advice.

It feels like school.

Fine your DH is in his 60s. You can't be far behind. Point remains. Full grown, semi retired with a mortgage, debt and no cash. For an expensive house. Regardless of who you say chose it, it's your house (yours alone as you keep pointing out).

OP you said that he already has his mortgage offer. Can you ask him to leave and take in a lodger instead ? That way you could keep up the loan repayments to DS and sell your house at a more leisurely pace ?

Never paid. Not deducted.

OP says it was agree but he’s never paid it. So that £300 needs to be deducted from the £400 monthly loan payments to calculate what OP actually owes him.

I can't have a lodger due to my son's job and safeguarding. It would take months to get an enhanced DBS.

I am shocked by some of the awful things said in this thread. Well done OP for keeping going. Your son's behaviour is abusive and I am not surprised you find it upsetting. If I were you I would sit him down and make him listen to/watch the recording and tell him he needs to leave unless he agrees to stop. If this is out of character there could be something else going on and if so he will hopefully share this with you. But. either way, you do not deserve this at all.

I can absolutely see why you mention the financial help he's had and that he has had a privileged upbringing. You are not saying that these monies should offset the loan, just demonstrating that he has been extremely well catered for and has plenty of money despite the outstanding loan.

As for the money, well I cannot see that you owe him anything if I have my maths correct. The agreement was that the loan would be repaid over 4 years.

In terms of what you should have paid on the loan to date, this is 21 x £400 = £8,400. You have only paid £3,200 so you owe him £5,200 for the missed payments he has covered.

However, he owes you 21 x £300 = £6,300 none of which he has paid. So he in fact owes you £1,100. I get that he has paid the loan off early but that was his choice and not part of the agreement. Despite that, if you had the money to help him now I have no doubt you would do it. But you don't and well, he will just jolly well have to wait won't he. The £1,100 is more than enough to cover what you owe him each month as you wait for the house to sell, as you only technically owe him £100 each month he is living at home.

What's that got to do with your son?

Did he put a gun to your head? He could've suggested Buckingham Palace. Surely you're not that passive that you'd really buy a house you don't want , you didn’t like and you couldn't quite afford because your son said so?

OK i see. That does change my perspective. If that's what had been agreed then he should have deducted that. Im sorry for misunderstanding.

OP was clear in that the agreed rent was £300 a month. He has never paid it.

@trippingthelightfantastic1 spot on post.

He lives there.

Not if OP gets a lodger in.

Did the loan repayments begin at the exact time he moved into the new house? Seems unlikely given how long it usually takes to complete on a house purchase. This gap needs to be accounted for if it hasn't been.

I have safeguarding issues for my daughter. She has a violence against the person order in place. She is vulnerable. We can't have random people living here.

@Tiredtrudy on that last sentence alone I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that you are disinheriting him.

Hes a disgrace.

No I wouldn’t have allowed my son to take the loan out but I think you’ve made a lot of assumptions. The OP clearly didn’t make him take the loan out and she’s not saying she will never pay him back but he is demanding the money at a time when she doesn’t have it and when she has enough going on. Why would you put your mum who has done a lot for you, through this, and if it is the girlfriend, why would allow your girlfriend to put you and your family in that position? He doesn’t sound like he gives a damn about his mum or family tbh but if he does, I hope he regrets his behaviour. He’s not a child, he is an adult that can surely see that his behaviour is unacceptable. It’s not all his fault at all, the whole situation is a mess however he is choosing to make his mums life much harder so he can move out with his girlfriend!