Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

He’s not forcing you to sell your home. You cannot afford to live in it. Therefore you have to sell it.

You and your DH have made some seriously reckless financial decisions and tapped up your kid for a loan that you can’t afford to repay. You’ve left him in a terrible predicament.

What a mess - absolutely every bit of it of yours and your DH’s making.

I have sympathy with your DS

shouting and yelling at you is not appropriate but you’ve effectively stolen £20k off him and suggesting that he should waive it because you paid school fees or other parents receive rent is manipulative and toxic.

Sounds like you couldn't really afford the house in the first place?

If I were you, I'd downsize now, pay your son back, ask him to leave the house and go NC.

He is abusive. His behaviour is hideous.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis, and hope the insurance pays out soon.

@soupfiend I suspect the son entered into an unsecured personal loan agreement. Possibly said it was for a new car or similar (speculating here) and gave his parents the £20k. As there was no agreement that he would pay any board it’s totally unreasonable to expect him to deduct an amount for board from the loan amount. Why did you pay off his car finance? Was it a gift - if so you cannot expect this to be repaid. Best bet IMHO is to put the house on the market and move and repay him from the proceeds. Make it clear that when you sell he either cannot continue to live with you or if you are still happy to have him with you, then tell him he has to pay board and set a realistic amount - e.g. 1/4 of all utility bills plus a reasonable amount for food and any other services e.g. if you do his laundry. In the meantime sit down, tell him of your plan and that his continued rude behavior will result in him being asked to leave and find somewhere else to live.

His behaviour is unacceptable.

However he’s stuck with a massive debt that is not his and that he has to pay off. I can see that he is upset and panicking over how and when this is going to be resolved as you and your husband don’t really seem to be acknowledging this or doing anything about it.

Things you have paid for in the past (particularly things done when he was a child like schooling!) are not relevant unless it was agreed they were loans. Otherwise it’s just a parent paying for something for their child.

But to know the terms is important, because while he may have received 20k which he gave to his parents, what he pays back on the loan will be far more, probably more like 25k, so was the extra interest calculated to be part of his 'board' if you like

OP cant now just start charging him board if that wasnt part of the arrangement

Its a mess

And you can’t use keep his doesn’t want to be living with you anymore he wants his own home - he only move in to help you in the first place so no wonder he is incredibly frustrated

and the way you say about his girlfriend implies she just wants the money perhaps she wants commitment and no longer wanting to pay rent and move forward with him but cant because she is stuck waiting for this loan to be paid off

i suspect both their stories would be v different to yours OP

So are you still employed but receiving zero income and awaiting the OH process to complete to be retired on ill health grounds? If this is the case you k ow there are (generally) rules around taking a job on within 3 years. You need to look at this, if you were employed by someone else and the high earner, it may take some time to come through but there should be a timeline that you’re aware of.

however im not sure if the above is the case as you talk about insurance, which is not the same as medical retirement. The loan was 18 months ago so I assume to begin with it was all paid as agreed until you got sick. At what point did you get sick and what are you doing to progress the insurance/retirement?

setting aside his behaviour (that is probably a result of the massive stress), it sounds as though he has taken a personal loan out to top up your mortgage (which is weird if you are a high earner). You should never have placed that burden on a child unless they could afford it. He already said he wanted to move on with his life but your actions are preventing that. I hazard a guess that your mortgage company are unaware of this. Was anything put in writing with regard to this loan that he can enforce?

what a mess that could have been avoided if you had bought a house you could have afforded.

You or your DH need to find a way to pay off the loan asap. You should never have put your son in his 20s in the position he is now in, especially to buy a house that only two years later is unsuitable for older people, which might well have been predictable. It was unfair of you ever to expect a young man in his twenties building his own life to bail out yours. I am not surprised he is furious. It is sad and unfortunate that you are now unwell but if you value your relationship with your son you need to find a way to repay him.

OP, how much does his presence in the house cost you? Have your electricity, water, heating and food bills gone up since he moved in? By how much? Because if it's in any way close to £100 a week can you not just ask him to move out and give him the money every week?

He did agree to pay £300 a month board. He's never paid it.

As I previously stated he lived in London. I paid his deposits and for his furnishings. These were gifts.

Terrible situation for everyone. It’s never usually recommended whatever we do for them, that parents take (even as a loan) from grown up children. Just my view. Appreciate he’s behaving appallingly (and then some) but money unfortunately always ruins relationships so best to avoid being a borrower or lender with family. Hindsight a wonderful thing though. Agree with those who say sell the house ASAP. Get an affordable one, pay off the loan and never ask again for this kind of ‘favour’. Not worth the aggro. +You need the time and space to concentrate on your health OP. You are not having it easy. Don’t think he’s spoilt as much as very immature and needing anger management classes. What he earns imho is irrelevant. For his part he maybe feels hard done by hence the spreadsheet. Don’t think he is, just mean in his eyes. Until he is a parent himself though he won’t understand or appreciate all you’ve done for him. No sense casting that up as it’s just what us parents do. With the house sold, the stress removed hopefully your medical retirement will progress so you can convalesce in peace and get on better relations with your DS. Good luck (if my Euromillions come up will be in touch!).

I am so sorry you got hit with illness.

It all sounds so risky financially. You and DH borrowing to the hilt on the mortgage when your DH is 60, a Ds who buys a sports car at 23 , before saving for a house deposit , former private education fees but no critical illness cover, his life is so transactional that he has a Gf who uses a house as an ultimatum (at their age!). Doesn’t sound a great relationship, and he in turn should be wary!

Material stuff and spending seems to have been important and I am not sure that talking to him about values and how fortunate he is at this stage will be effective. Your DH is right: he is a brat. In 30 years time, however, he might reflect with some shame.

I’m not sure what the deal is. How were you going to repay the loan to him? Out of your salary?
Is the £400pcm what he pays you for board and lodging?
Is he currently repaying the loan while you are not working?

Why are you and your H allowing (and presumably feeding) a grown man to live rent free in your home?

You agreed to pay the loan though so he is paying £100 more.

he needs to move out and on with his life and you need to take on the loan

it doesn’t matter what you could afford before you cant now and neither can you necessarily afford to live in London. You must have enough equity to get something

because of you haven’t what on Earth were you doing spending like that and not future proofing/planning for retirement

Ok, so that cuts your payment down to 100 a month for the months he didnt pay that, how much have you paid him for the loan, how much do yous till owe him, when did you stop paying him

You need to set this out much more clearly so people can give advice about how to source the money and what steps you need to take to get out of this mess

Is the property on the market

I’d tell him to leave and you’ll repay the loan once you’ve sold the house. You have no obligation to continue to house him and put up with the abuse he is giving you. He has reneged on his agreement to pay you living cost so I think it is entirely reasonable that you chuck him out. As for spreadsheets and all that nonsense, don’t get involved.

I am sorry you have become so ill and that it has exacerbated an already precarious situation.

You and your husband either need to take out your own loan to enable him to pay off his, or you need to sell the house. You can’t keep him financially captive like this. He needs to be allowed to live his own life.

This makes no sense. You pressured your early twenties son in to getting a £20k unsecured loan to enable you to buy a house you could not afford YET you also, in recent history, paid for a rental deposit and furniture for his rented flat.

What the fuck is going on with your finances?

I have so many questions, but I don’t think they will help. OP, you need proper financial advice from someone who is qualified to provide it. And you need to be scrupulously honest about your situation.

I'm shocked at some of the responses on here. OP is having to medically retire, is seriously ill and her adult son seems justified to constantly scream abuse at her?

She has already said he will get the money once the house is sold. Where is the compassion here? This constant abuse could make the OPs condition even worse. There is no excuse for this. I couldn't ever imagine a situation where my adult sons would treat me like this.

Yes he's currently having to pay the 400 per month loan but he is also staying there and stuffing his face with food. Plus OP said the payment is less than 10% of his income. I know he wants to buy his own home but sometimes shit happens. He needs to learn patience.

No way would I allow anyone to scream at me in my own home, they'd be out pronto.

As I understand it he is not paying them the living cost because they are not paying the loan repayments, so he is covering £400pcm towards the loan.

Sounds as if she did have critical illness cover, thats what she is waiting for the insurance to pay out for.

But these things are not straight forward, its a reason i would never take critical illness cover, I think they're not worth the paper they're written on

@GrumpyOldCrone Indeed. I suspect something more complex is going on here.

Your son, at aged 25 has saved more than 20k? Or has he taken out a loan for you?

He's a victim of this too. You are a victim of your illness and both of you are feeling victimised.
Is your DH his Dad?

Your son's girlfriend probably thought she had a house and a future coming shortly.
Now your son risks losing his relationship because he foolishly agreed to give you two a loan that you have now defaulted on.

It's not normal for a child to give a loan to a parent.

Have you relatives you can borrow from to pay him back?

You happily paid off his car loan a few years ago. That was a gift to him, no strings attached. But there were strings attached.

He doesn't know where he stands with you because at 25, he's been made responsible for housing you.