Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

If you can’t buy the house with your deposit + mortgage you can’t afford the house???

If you have to borrow £20k from your so to buy the house… you can’t buy the house!!

Did it not occur that when you conveniently needed to borrow the exact amount you had previously paid off for your sons car you could have agreed with him that he was paying you back your £20k?

As a FTB he wants a three bed house in the SE commuter belt. They have gone up by a fair bit this year.

You’ve said several times now that you paid 8 months. Now all of a sudden it was 12? Mmm

”I paid £3200 before I became ill.”

”I paid £3200 of it to date.”

“The loan is 21 months old. I paid it in full for eight months.”

Pointing out your inconsistencies is far from bullying.

You can afford the house?’ What??
You can’t afford the house, nor do you pay for it all. Your DH pays for the mortgage minus the 20k your son put into it which he repays.

@Completelyjo he's paid twelve months, I paid eight. Jesus christ.

@Tiredtrudy the thread is almost full. I just wanted to say I hope your treatment goes well in January and has a good outcome. Stress and chemo not a good combination. Hopefully quick sale, no chain and fast conveyancing should have son squared away 9-12 months. If he is still unhappy could you cash in one of your pensions that would only take 4-6 weeks and as you are not working there would be no tax/iht to pay on it or sod him sell the jewelry, he is the one forcing the issue.
Anyway I hope it all works out for you x

But why would you pay him the full £20K + interest when you have already paid a chuck off and then the unpaid rent.

You agree that you owe him £6400 ... and you are selling up to incurr EA fees, SD, Legal, mortgage early repayment fees which will all run into the tens of thousands over just over £6k?

Why?

Why cant your DH dip into his pension pot for the £6k?
Why cant you get a lodger?
Why cant your DD contribute to the family pot with a PT job whilst studying?

Or a mix of all 3 of the above to raise the £6k....then give it to your DS and move him out and chnage the locks?

It doesnt matter if he disagrees with you that he should pay and back pay £300/month - you get to call it. Raise the £6k and pack him off.

You say your DS denies he owes you this back rent - why is he saying that?

Why did you not chase him for it? Why are you still feeding him?

Your posts make no sense, you owe more than 4.8k to him. It’s mental you’re the one getting pissed off right now.

My pensions and shares are going to my DC.

Sell some of your shares?

Well, I hope he's learned that you need to cut your financial cloth, accordingly. And that you can make cheap houses look fabulous.

Yeah that's the posts that were deleted. They were awful, not just "merely presenting a different viewpoint". They were nasty.

What is wrong with some women wanting to bully others on a discussion forum? I've been on here for over twenty years and the nasty spiteful manner that people use to get their point across has been getting worse.
I'm ill ffs, scroll on by if you think I'm a lying harpie. Go troll someone else. Oh and if it makes you froth a bit more I have a T relative!

True but your son has paid most of it off out of his income and now needs it back ASAP to help buy his own home, if I understand the thread correctly. You stopped paying him back which was when the goalposts moved. He didn't move them, you did, for reasons I understand.

You have to sell the home you couldn't afford to buy in order to pay off your debt to him. I'm not surprised he's losing his cool over his stupidity in offering you the loan in the first place and now wanting to placate his older girlfriend by getting the money back in order to finally leave your home.

He's a financially adept experienced property developer. I'm sure he knows he knows what he's doing.

This is verging on farcical now. Have you not read ANY of the OPs posts? She's explained this over and over again. Stop goading.

So this new house was a mortgage plus what I can assume was a very healthy amount of savings (of at least £100k) and you still couldn’t afford it?

You literally put every penny you had into this home and still took an extra £20k off DS?

I actually thought the home was a good investment but I’m sorry but that is absolutely ridiculous.

If this is true you are living way beyond your means.
Taking a loan out so your 18yo DS can have a £20k is absolutely pathetic.

You cannot afford the lifestyle you are pretending to have.

Stop playing this role of someone who is wealthy when actually most of the things you all own are not even owned outright.

Hopefully your home will sell quickly so you can repay what you owe and then start using DS’s spreadsheets to live within your budget.

@Completelyjo stop bullying me and go away. I'm not lying. You think I am.
Please leave me alone. You look pathetic.

Not really no, it doesn’t make sense that OP “lost” 100k only 1 year ago but couldn’t pay her £400 loan for the past 2y4m.

Literally none of the numbers, or timescales add up.

OP has terminal cancer. She’s insured. Has a pension that her kids can inherit. Do you REALLY need this to be spelt out for you ?

Haven't you had several comments deleted? I think it may be you that's in the wrong. You're another one who's very aggressive in your posts.

I actually don't see her posts as bullying, Shes just pointing out inconsistencies in your story.

For what it's worth, I don't see bullying here but I do see people - including me - holding you accountable for the numbers you're giving. They simply don't add up but I do concede that it seems a very complex situation.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the response you appear to want and need. If your family culture is that of borrowing from each other, is there another family member who can cover your son until you have sold the property?

No see I would have quickly reminded him that nothing is his, you are still the owner of your jewellery or anything else he might expect and you can do whatever you want with it. What a shitty thing for him to say

I asked for advice not constant allegations of lying and mis quoting.

She didn’t say. 2 years 4 months. This happened 18 months ago. She was paying the loan herself until the cancer diagnosis meant she couldn’t work.