Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

My pensions and shares are going to my DC. They are not spousal DB pensions.

Let's say I know what I am doing here but I'm not confirming my profession or that of any family member.
My son had money at 18 to put towards a car. My DH took out a loan for the balance.

Fwiw my children will do very well out of my demise. My DH knows this and agrees to my wishes. Anything early will be used to pay this loan back.

People can earn big money and then lose a job without warning. Leadership recruitment is on its knees at the moment. Even if I wasn't ill there are not that many big jobs out there.
And yes he did scream at me and punch the wall. The DD is going to record it next time as its happened alot.

He did start asking me to repay this earlier in the autumn which coinsided with the GF needing to renew her lease.

lol at OP moaning that her son moved the goalposts re timings when she didn't almost immediately go back in her end of the deal by not paying anymore

just pay your son the money you owe him and stop acting like a victim. Asking for money that you owe isn't abuse 🙄

OP can you explain why you had to pay off DS’s car so he could rent?

You say DH took the loan out and you then paid it off so DS could rent.

Why was DH having a loan causing issues for DS to rent?

Hard to imagine a world where you were so desperate for the big house you apparently didn’t want that you were willing to take a loan off your DS for it and move him in as part of the terms when your DH and DD were afraid of said son.

This has just happened to a friend. Her parents were struggling with the mortgage in later life, they talked her out of her 90k divorce settlement to pay off their mortgage in full and they did wills to say she would inherit the house. No legal binding agreement to ring fence her investment in the house. She didn't believe she needed it as she trusted her parents. In France you cannot disinherit any children so after care home fees the 39k left has to be split 6 ways.

Taking it net, that means OP owes son £100 a month which OP has never paid.

And similarly her DS was supposed to pay £300 a month in rent and has never paid it. Even while OP was paying for the loan. My point is that he wanted to take on the loan - he was the one who persuaded OP to take on the larger house. At what point are people going to concede that he has to take responsibility for his part in this.

Some landlords and housing associations won’t take on tenants who have other large financial commitments. Sounds as though OP paid off the car loan so he could rent.

He wanted a car at 18 and his dad took out the loan. He paid a few months and it was left to my husband to pay for it. I paid it off after my DH had to change his job. It was for £20k

Apparently the DH took out the loan though, so why would DS not be able to rent? Legal obligation by his father are irrelevant.

But the car loan was taken out by DH to top up his DS's car fund. So why would DS need that loan paid off in order to rent? It was never in his name. He was clear

Or have I got that wrong?

@Wonderi loan guarantor.
My DH had to change his employment conditions. I'm not saying why my op isn't about his issue. He can't work more hours.

My op was not about my husband. This is about a aggressive response that has been levied on me.
I have repeated time and time again he has lived rent free.
He'll get his money earlier than what was agreed.
I did offer to sell my jewellery today but some is in my will to him. He said no that's mine anyway. Poor kid, my arse.

DS didn’t have any debts.

He was 18.
No loan or car company is going to lend an 18yo £20k for a car.

OP said that DH took out the loan when DS was 18 and then she paid it off (after losing all of her savings to fraud).

Please do consider throwing him out. Apart from the impact on you, it won't be doing the mental health of your husband and daughter any good having him there.

I'm sorry but my brain hurts, none of this makes any sense.

Maybe that's why* *the DS needed the DH to be guarantor

How would he get his money any earlier than agreed? If it was agreed you would pay the full amount off monthly for the supposed 4 years, even though those sums don’t add up, and you have no savings and no income how are you claiming you will be able to suddenly pay him the money earlier than the next 2 years?

Wrong again. The loan was three years ago.
I lost money last year.

For the lord's sake we are selling the house. Are you just posting and not reading anything?

OP why do you keep changing your story.

You cannot seriously expect anyone to believe that your DS at 18 was able to take out a £20k loan, even with a guarantor.

You also said more than once that it was DH who took the loan out.

We can all agree that DS didn’t pay rent for 8 months, which is bad and I would have given him an ultimatum at the time.

But since then, he has bailed you and DH out and is paying more than what was asked of him to help you and DH.

Yet you keep talking about the fact he didn’t pay rent for 8 months, even though you owe him thousands.

You had a lot of people sympathising with you at first but your story gets more wild by the minute and you keep on about the rent he didn’t pay, even though you owe him thousands more than he owes you.

You would have a lot more support if you were just honest about the situation and accepted that you owe DS much more than he owes you.

If people are so intetested in this thread please read the previous posts.

We agreed to pay the loan back over four years not ASAP.

I mean really, what sort of huge house did you buy without being able to afford it?
Early repayment charges, surveys, legal fees, mortgage feels and stamp duty will surely eat up most of the 20k.
It all makes no sense that you can move and free up loads of money but you had to buy the house £20k more than you could afford.
And you haven’t paid your son for nearly 1.5 years but of course you’re selling next month.

So why did you stop paying the loan 2y4 months ago??

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Twelve months payments, £4800.ive offered him this and to pay from next month. He won't agree.

I could afford the house. I pay the sodding mortgage with the DH.

I can't just magic up £20 k.
Please stop with the bullying.

@Tiredtrudy if he already has a mortgage agreed and everything then why is he insisting on all the money upfront? It doesn't make sense

Read the sodding post. This was my salary plus other payments. The CFO pinched over a million. It was in the ruddy Times, do you want me to link it?
I'm going to report all the posts repeating I'm a liar. It's not helping so go away.