Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

Apparently not according to some posters. He was 22 years old when he advised the OP to take out the loan he was offering so they could buy the more expensive house. He advised that it was a bargain and would give a better return. So he facilitated the loan with absolutely no protection for himself in the very circumstance that he now finds himself in - OP is terminally ill and unable to pay back the loan. And posters are laying the blame for that at OP’s door.

I agree but DS is helping her out and she owes him thousands.

So although his behaviour towards her is absolutely vile (which I’ve said), it doesn’t take away from the fact that OP has been financially irresponsible and now owes her own son thousands and instead of being grateful, she keeps on about how he owes her some rent (which is nothing compared to what she owes him) and how she paid for a private education and how the gf is a gold digger etc.

He is frustrated because of how irresponsible she’s been and it’s fair enough that he’s keeping a spreadsheet because else she’d be on her ass right now even more so.

It’s not her illness that has got her into debt, it’s her (and her DH’s) financial irresponsibility and not taking accountability for it, which is what is frustrating to DS and posters reading it.

There may be some truth in this thread but there obviously is a lot of non-truths too.
It’s not nasty to point out that OP has been BSing some posters.

Posters even on the first few pages were pointing out the lack of information and the changes and it has steadily got more wild as the thread has gone on.

Well yes I was being sarcastic. It's just rather odd that OP insists he was wise enough to offer advice and proffer loans, but seems to simultaneously think he is not sensible enough to buy his own home with his girlfriend. Doesn't quite tally.
Either he is a font of financial knowledge to be bowed before and borrowed from or he isn't. He can't only be the wise one when it's OP who gets a posh house out of it.

Someone needs to note the changes between each of the OP's posts as things might become clearer.

Sorry he is horrible, if you are ill, how can he be so horrible to his mother. I would consult a lawyer tbh. I wonder if his girlfriend is really the manipulative one here though and causing him to act like this, what do you mean by he promised his girlfriend a house, like he said he would buy her one or they are buying one together? I can understand if he had an agreement with you that he would lend tou the money and the repayments would be made by you and he could move back in to save and this has not happened. Essentially, he ended up with a 20k loan to pay off himself. I dont know how you let it get this far eithout making anotger agreement with him though. It seems luke you need to put some stuff on paper to sort the mess out and agree what should happen and by when. He is out of order being abusive to you though and this needs addressing immediately.

I must be reading a different thread tbh, I’m not sure what some of those posters are on about.
From my reading, if the OP didn’t get sick she would still be working, making the loan repayments and her son would be living there for free. So it absolutely is about the illness.
Regardless, I stand by my view, if my child behaved like this whilst I was sick with cancer, I don’t think I could move past it honestly.

@Crazybaby123 my wider family are lawyers.
My DD sat in the conversion today and recorded for her dad.
She's good at sticking up for me. She's called him a very rude name last month when he whacked the wall.

Would you have honestly got your child to take out a loan on your behalf in the first place though??
They couldn't afford the house in the first place.. none of this ever should have happened.
It's horrible all round but you can't solely put the blame on the son. It is actually quite understandable he's incredibly stressed too.. he shouldn't have been put in this situation.
I hope the matter is resolved but I fear it won't be if his position isn't also treated with compassion by the OP. Saying things like 'we paid for your private schooling' it's so manipulative. No adult children will react well to that type of argument.
He was given a scenario that he agreed to.. now the goal posts have completely changed. It's not OPs fault that they have changed and it's a really tragic horrible situation for her.. but it's not the sons fault either and to act like this doesn't massively impact on him is a mistake. Of course he's frustrated and stressed. His mother is dying and he has both a massive loan in his name, a gf who is threatening to leave because he's messed her around with plans, a family who possibly can't afford to live in the home they are living him and are kind of angling for him to contribute even more to the running of the home.
He must feel as trapped and afraid as the OP dies but there's not much understanding of that.
The communication has clearly gone down hill massively. No doubt he's getting angry and defensive because he feels pressure is being heaped on him. The vision of a life he thought he was going to have is being taken away.
Now of course that's happening to OP too and it's horrific for her. But nothing is going to be achieved by acting like this isn't a big deal to the son and he's just an awful brat. Because that isn't true and it's just going to make him feel even more stifled and pressurised and make him even more angry.
This is why as a parent you should never borrow money off your children.

Not sure what reply that has to do with my proposed solution.

If your immediate family members are scared of someone, you don't agree to that person moving in with you in exchange for what is a relatively small sum of money, considering the salary levels and value of inheritance that are mentioned in this thread. Selling shares however many years ago should have been the obvious answer to the inability to raise enough to buy the house.

@Thatcastlethere my parents borrowed plenty off me in the good days.

Most of my family have too. Never repaid.

Tbh, I would never ever ask my child to take a loan out for me, especially for such a large amount, and then try and change the goalposts on paying it back. It’s very exploitive to do this to a child, even though he is an adult.

@Basketballhoop the shares vest at the end of next year.

Too late for his plans.

So your parents and family members have borrowed money off of you, which has never been repaid but you’re angry that your son hasn’t paid the rent he owes? Even though you owe him thousands?

Tell me why you think OP has changed the goalposts or exploited her son. The reason she can’t pay back the loan is because she has cancer and can’t work. I don’t think anyone would want this for themselves.

They are all dead bar one. Shall I list them for you?

You see for me that's unthinkable. I'd rather starve than ask my own children for money. I raise them to go out and live their lives. I want them to be living the best lives they can. I'm the parent. I chose to bring them into this world. I can't fathom it.
Of course if an adult child was living at home still I would ask them for their fair share of contribution.
But I just think getting a child to take out a loan for you is awful. I'm sorry I know you are having a hard time and I do feel for you.. but that's really my opinion on that loan. I can't fathom it. It's so messy. A young adult should be striking out on their own not heavily financially enmeshed in supporting their parents. I think it's so stressful psychologically.

Unless I replied to the wrong person you advocated to stop letting the kids know about what houses they were buying/financial decisions,c ant remember the exact wording now

Thats not how it works in family cultures like asian or indian cultures where everyone is involved, everyone has a say, everyone interferes but equally everyone helps out.

the house appears to also be the husbands in substance not the sons.

It's not that she wants to it's that she has.
No it's not her fault.. but that doesn't make it the sons either! The goalposts HAVE changed for him. This wasn't what he agreed to. And now with all the 'he's had a ball on our money' 'we paid for private schooling'... these are things that should have been discussed before any of this happened. He was told he could live with them for free to save up a deposit to buy a home.. if he agreed to take out a loan for them.
Was any of this discussed? We're any plans made for what would happen if something went wrong??
Of course he's upset..

He was never told he could live with us for free.

They didn’t all borrow money off of you and then die did they.

You want DS to write off the loan and you’re annoyed he’s not.

It’s also got something to do with the gf (perhaps you assumed she’d be putting in £20k too and now you’ve found out she’s not).

I think you and DH had a very privileged lifestyle and now DS is starting to have that lifestyle and you and DH are struggling to pay your bills, so you are understandably jealous and annoyed at the way life has turned out.

You say your DH and DD are scared of him, so the best thing to do is pay him back and then go NC with him.

I find it utterly baffling that you are in your 60s, DH is semi retired and you have no liquid assets. I can't fathom why you bought this house in all honesty. All this mess and bad blood for no good reason.

They did borrow money off me and died. I housed my parents and another family member. Again you are accusing me of lying. Why do you keep doing that?
Does soneone owe you money and you're taking your distress out on me.

My DS knows people borrowed money of me and that's why he didn't go to the party as mentioned in early posts. (he'd say something).

I can't believe the abuse you are getting OP, on this forum and from your son. He's out of order, I say that because you've helped him out in the past financially and yet when your life is derailed by cancer, he can't repay the favour to help you or even just be patient. He is being incredibly cruel and it seems he values the girlfriend's welfare and her wish for a house over you. Maybe you are right, perhaps he is afraid of you dying and he is lashing out, I still couldn't forgive this. The best you can do I think is bust a gut to get it paid back to him ASAP then draw a line under it. I would never forget this. I would certainly adjust my will, not to entirely disinherit him, but to hit him where it hurts, reduce what you give him to show actions have consequences.

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here.

The OP never actually wanted an answer or advice that confirmed the above.