Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

How did you get a mortgage in your sole name while being married. Is your husband on the deeds?

Lenders dont like another adult, certainly ones with a financial association to the mortgagee, living in the property but not being part of the mortgage or on the deeds

Him being part pensioner wouldnt affect this. How did you get the mortgage on your own?

(I think Ive read of this happening but its quite unusual)

It's gone off the deep end op. Just want to say I hope your treatment goes well. And no matter what gas happened that you and your son can resolve your relationship

You don't see it because you're another bully. This thread is the worst I've ever seen in all the years I've been on here.

The advice is that your son is behaving inappropriately when he shouts at you.

He can be angry and frustrated about whats happened but cant treat you like htat, cancer or no cancer

His father is right to try to intervene as you said and tell him to back off

However some recognition of how messy your finances are, with or without you being a victim of fraud by a colleague, surely needs to be talked through.

I get that you're saying your cultural background is where family members share money and lend money etc, are you Asian or Indian or Greek, thats quite common, are there other family members therefore who can help out at this time

The last thing you want is a rift at the end of all this and at the end of your life, not good for you, not good for him.

I hope it works out

OP even though this is MN I have rarely seen a thread where an OP’s own personal circumstance has been so readily dismissed and questioned despite the information being there in your posts.

She said several times the loan was 3 years ago and that she paid it for 8 months. That leaves 2years 4 months. Thats from her own posts.

I'm honestly so shocked at they way certain people are behaving on this thread. They should be banned for this.

OP was a high earner. Lots of high earners here with mortgages in their own name. And being semi retired absolutely would affect DH’s eligibility for a mortgage.

There is no advice we can give you other than what you are doing by selling the house and repaying your son the outstanding loan he took out on your behalf. He will then move out presumably to live with the girlfriend, if she's still around. The argument over him not paying rent is a minor issue bearing in mind the size of the loan to you.

Why because posters are asking why OP keeps changing her story?

People have asked for the facts and each time OP posts it completely changes.

I was actually on OPs side until I saw how gullible I was being.

I guess you still are.

Yes you have. I've just looked back. Some of your comments were deleted.

You're another one that's had comments deleted for being so aggressive.

If we take the OP at face value, she can’t afford £100 because she is dying and has had to stop working. Are you actually okay?? The nastiness from some posters is so poor. If I’m honest, I don’t care the circumstances, if my child got aggressive with me because I owed them 20k because I had to stop working due to cancer treatment, I would never ever forgive them! I don’t know what kind of family arrangements some of have but this behaviour is so far from normal to me and I am so grateful that I have a much more loving and supportive network around me.

Well it's a first then!
I post a lot under another name. We don't know each other but often agree on advice given. This was so personal and embarrassing I named changed. Thank you for sticking up for me. I'm a bit warn out now!

We can all keep calling each other aggressive, but it won’t make the timeline/story add up, and it won’t make taking 20k from your own son (regardless of how he got it) a good idea. That’s not bullying, it’s a fact.

Advice - sell the house or source the money elsewhere, pay your son his money back, and move on.

It would affect his eligibility yes, but not if he was as a dependent of OP, mortgage lenders generally dont do this, so this is why Im wondering how it came about. Was it only on this property or was it also on the property they had prior to this one?

And I know lots of people post retirement (not post state retirement) who have taken out mortgages into their 80s

Advice - work out exactly what the remaining debt is to your son, I don’t know why the spreadsheet was an issue.

Work out how you will pay that asap. If it’s easier to sell another asset while waiting for the house sale to go through, sell your car etc. Repay your son.

Don’t borrow significant amounts of money off family again and learn to live within your means. If you have to borrow £20k to buy a house on top of your deposit and mortgage, you cannot afford it. If you could afford it comfortably, the mortgage provider would have lent it to you.

Thank you to @rightinthedavinamccalls too for the support.
I've been crying. I'm not a con merchant or child robbing scumbag.

DS has had a ball on our dollar.

I'm not sure if this is funny, but the DS did chuck out 4 out of date pukka pies today and tell me that was £10 wasted!

I know it's easy to say just ignore the goady folks on here but really they're not worth your tears. I don't know how this thread was allowed to descend into the shit show that you've had to witness.

I've been here years and years and never seen a thread like it and that's saying something. I hope your treatment goes well, take care.

It is unclear to me exactly what any of the timelines are as I can make head nor tail of them. That is by the by. The simple solution appears to be to sell some of your shares to pay back the loan to your son. Move to a smaller house, then change your will so that your daughter becomes primary beneficiary of remaining shares/pension. Children do not have to be treated equally for inheritance. But also, stop discussing details of your will (including who is getting jewellery etc) with your children. It is nothing to do with them until after you are gone. I have zero clue on the contents of my parents wills, and one of them died recently.

I am also unclear why you describe your son early in the thread as having been a lovely child and 'my son is usually a kind decent chap', but several pages later is someone your DH has been scared of for years and your daughter always has been. This makes zero sense to me, particularly with him having moved in.

OP has already said its a family culture where there is a lot of sharing and fluidity with money.

This can sometimes be ok, or it can lead to expectations which cant be fulfilled.

The only thing to do it pay him back and have him move out. Thats it. Free up whatever assets and make it happen asap.