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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left us

155 replies

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 17:55

My husband of 16 years walked out on me and our kids today.
He's not got anywhere to stay as far as I know. There was no argument he has also quit his job without having another one to go to just befre christmas. I am sad and don't really know how I feel apart from crying. I don't have any friends to talk to. Our kids are 13 and 16 I'm not sure they realise he's left for good (he's left a few times for a day or 2 this year as he said stuff was getting to him but he never really said what that was even when asked). He says he can't cope anymore. I'm refusing to text him or to beg him to come back

OP posts:
chickpea1982 · 29/12/2024 18:00

I know the general trend on mumsnet is to blame the man, but honestly he sounds severely depressed. No one just leaves their family and their job suddenly, with no argument, unless something is seriously wrong. If it was just leaving you then I might think OW, but leaving his job as well? Maybe he needs some support, and withholding contact could be making it worse. I get that you are angry, but what if he is a risk to himself? After 16 years, I'd just try to put yourself in his shoes to try to understand what is going on.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/12/2024 18:01

Bloody hell.

Why on earth is he causing such drama and distress? Unforgivable.

I hope you don't text him or beg him to come back. You are worth so much more than this weak man pulling the rug from under all of you.

Contact a solicitor asap. I hope you have an address for him eventually. Get rid of him asap.

Your dcs need you to be stable and reliable. this flake of a man cannot be allowed to upend their lives like this.

No doubt he will be back, snivelling and asking for forgiveness.

northernlight20 · 29/12/2024 18:06

I echo him seeming depressed. How do you know he's walked out for good? Has he told you that?

smallsilvercloud · 29/12/2024 18:08

I'm sorry to hear this, I would worry his MH is not in a good way, is there someone close to him you can contact to let them know, just he's likely to let them know he's safe, but as you say he's done this a few times now, it's not fair in you and kids to go through this.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/12/2024 18:09

I agree he sounds depressed and I’d be concerned about him.

Original poster
FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:12

I know he's been struggling with his job for a while. They have treated him badly and I've been saying he should change jobs. He's always resisted that. He's a manager and if anyone is off that reports to him then he's expected to cover their job as well as his own. He's had a couple of ppl off so he's been working covering their jobs and not getting his own done. I won't withhold contact from the children but he rarely has time for them when he was here. He got annoyed at the eldest over nothing (I think they are a lot alike...)

OP posts:
ALunchbox · 29/12/2024 18:13

My reaction would depend on what he is normally like (aside from this year)

RH1234 · 29/12/2024 18:14

It must be awful what you are going through, on both you and the kids. However, it sounds like depression.

Personally I would call a friend of his to try and go check on him. From experience with friends/family, the quitting the job and walking away, it’s not a great sign.

Whether the relationship is over, or feelings have changed, 16 years ago there was someone different person you cared about that has gone adrift and may need some support whether from you or someone else.

ALunchbox · 29/12/2024 18:15

If it's out of character, I would take it seriously.

Original poster
FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:17

I've no idea about his work and club friends as he's kept them away from us.
He won't go to his parents as they wouldn't be any help. They have always thought I kept him away from them when I've always been the one suggesting we go visit. He doesn't have that great a relationship with them as he was at boarding school when growing up as they were not in the country and basically his dad gets funny if you're not doing what he wants.

OP posts:
Moonwalkies · 29/12/2024 18:17

He's not got anywhere to stay as far as I know. There was no argument he has also quit his job without having another one to go to just befre christmas.

Yikes, this is scary. Do you have any inclination where he has gone? Although it's not up to you of course to find him and check he's okay, i would suggest a welfare check isn't unreasonable.

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2024 18:17

I'd also be concerned more than cross.

This is someone who suddenly doesn't feel they can cope with their job or family life anymore.

That's a sign of mental illness. Not someone deliberately being a cock.

Original poster
FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:19

northernlight20 · 29/12/2024 18:06

I echo him seeming depressed. How do you know he's walked out for good? Has he told you that?

Yes. He spent today clearing some stuff of his from the garage to put in a lockup. I asked him where he was gonna stay and he said he's not sure yet. He also told me I should look into applying for single discount for council tax

OP posts:
Darby3785 · 29/12/2024 18:19

If my DH walked out saying he couldn't cope anymore I would have to try and find him/contact him.
Especially if hes got nowhere to go and quit his job
Did he take any belongings with him?
You know him better than us OP, is he the type to play games? Or is this out of character for him. If he's not been coping with his job and life in general, he may need some help OP!

chickpea1982 · 29/12/2024 18:19

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:12

I know he's been struggling with his job for a while. They have treated him badly and I've been saying he should change jobs. He's always resisted that. He's a manager and if anyone is off that reports to him then he's expected to cover their job as well as his own. He's had a couple of ppl off so he's been working covering their jobs and not getting his own done. I won't withhold contact from the children but he rarely has time for them when he was here. He got annoyed at the eldest over nothing (I think they are a lot alike...)

He sounds stressed, and depressed. Something that people often forget is that depressed people are not pleasant to be around! They can be irritable and distant (e.g. getting annoyed with someone for "no reason"). Maybe he's a bastard who doesn't care about anyone other than himself. Or maybe he's someone you love, who your children love, who is going through a really hard time and needs support from his family to cope.

Tallerandtall · 29/12/2024 18:20

@chickpea1982

thsts good advice to find that out first.

@FunTraybake

listen to chickpea

TwinkleLights24 · 29/12/2024 18:20

He sounds in crisis.

Moonwalkies · 29/12/2024 18:22

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:19

Yes. He spent today clearing some stuff of his from the garage to put in a lockup. I asked him where he was gonna stay and he said he's not sure yet. He also told me I should look into applying for single discount for council tax

Show quote history

Honestly OP this is concerning, appreciate its upsetting for you that he's left, but at least let someone know if you can't deal with it; getting things in order along with the other things you've posted are massive red flags for someone massively struggling to carry on living.

Original poster
FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:28

I'll see if he answers my daughter as he won't answer me and I don't have any way of tracking him.

OP posts:
villagecrafts · 29/12/2024 18:30

I would be seriously concerned @FunTraybake and agree with the other posters that this sounds like a man in the midst of a mental health crisis.

Please put your anger to one side for the moment and do whatever you can to check on his welfare - text, call, call anyone who knows him. Please don't wait.

MaryGreenhill · 29/12/2024 18:31

I would be ringing around to check where he was at the very least OP.
Obviously we don't know the family dynamics but he sounds mentally unwell by all accounts. I hope you get some help with finding him OP . Sending you all the very best wishes.

Wonderi · 29/12/2024 18:32

I wouldn’t get your kids involved if possible.

I would text him and say you’re not going to try and make him stay but you are worried about him and can he please stay in contact.
Tell you can lend him money for a hotel or etc and you won’t keep bothering him but if you don’t hear from him once a day (or his parents etc) then you’ll have no choice but to ring the police.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but try not to take this personally, as he’s obviously struggling a lot.

Does he speak to his parents?

poemsandwine · 29/12/2024 18:33

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:12

I know he's been struggling with his job for a while. They have treated him badly and I've been saying he should change jobs. He's always resisted that. He's a manager and if anyone is off that reports to him then he's expected to cover their job as well as his own. He's had a couple of ppl off so he's been working covering their jobs and not getting his own done. I won't withhold contact from the children but he rarely has time for them when he was here. He got annoyed at the eldest over nothing (I think they are a lot alike...)

That sounds like a totally shit job, I'd be depressed too. Has he said he's leaving for good?

Jewell25 · 29/12/2024 18:35

I’d be really concerned that he may harm himself. I’d definitely try to contact him to check he’s ok & what his plans are.

poemsandwine · 29/12/2024 18:36

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:19

Yes. He spent today clearing some stuff of his from the garage to put in a lockup. I asked him where he was gonna stay and he said he's not sure yet. He also told me I should look into applying for single discount for council tax

Show quote history

That's worrying. Hope you manage to find him.