Page 6 | Husband left us

FunTraybake · 2024-12-29T17:55:02+00:00

My husband of 16 years walked out on me and our kids today. He's not got anywhere to stay as far as I know. There was no argument he has also quit his job without having another one to go to just befre christmas. I am sad and don't really know how I feel apart from crying. I don't have any friends to talk to. Our kids are 13 and 16 I'm not sure they realise he's left for good (he's left a few times for a day or 2 this year as he said stuff was getting to him but he never really said what that was even when asked). He says he can't cope anymore. I'm refusing to text him or to beg him to come back

Vignoble · 30/12/2024 12:01

MyLoyalEagle · 30/12/2024 11:54

He might have got another woman OP

Or an homme.

NZDreaming · 30/12/2024 12:34

@FunTraybake from your initial post it sounded like your husband is experiencing a mental health crisis however your updates (always in the phone, leaving the room to take calls etc) would tend to indicate an affair. Either way he’s now left and given past behaviour will potentially be back in a day or two.

You haven’t said anything about the state of your marriage- are you happy together? Do you love him? What you’ve written sounds quite cold but perhaps that’s because you’re fed up of his repeated pattern of going awol.

When he’s disappeared before have you discussed this with him or has he refused to engage and pretended it didn’t happen?

Did you know he was quitting his job? Was this discussed or a surprise to you?

You don’t seem that surprised that he’s left again and perhaps you’re in self-protect mode but you need to work out what you want going forward. It sounds like so far everything is on his terms.

Original poster

FunTraybake · 30/12/2024 12:54

I didn't know he quit his job. He told me after he handed in his notice.
I am tired of him going awol and he just doesn't say anything about where he was or why he left apart from it was too much or he needed to get away. I've asked but he doesn't say.
How I feel..I no longer know. I mean i was really upset when he told me he was leaving but I think I was shocked as it was the morning and I wasn't expecting it. I am still upset but I'm more worried about the kids.
I do care for him that's why when they suspected he had a dvt I went with him to the hospitals for blood tests and scans last week. It's why I went him and helped him do the jobs at his work that he knew would be left behind.
Mostly I feel numb and sick at the moment like this is happening to someone else. I'm kinda pretending so the kids don't get upset.

OP posts:

NZDreaming · 30/12/2024 13:10

FunTraybake · 30/12/2024 12:54

I didn't know he quit his job. He told me after he handed in his notice.
I am tired of him going awol and he just doesn't say anything about where he was or why he left apart from it was too much or he needed to get away. I've asked but he doesn't say.
How I feel..I no longer know. I mean i was really upset when he told me he was leaving but I think I was shocked as it was the morning and I wasn't expecting it. I am still upset but I'm more worried about the kids.
I do care for him that's why when they suspected he had a dvt I went with him to the hospitals for blood tests and scans last week. It's why I went him and helped him do the jobs at his work that he knew would be left behind.
Mostly I feel numb and sick at the moment like this is happening to someone else. I'm kinda pretending so the kids don't get upset.

@FunTraybake it doesn’t sound like your relationship is in the healthiest of places if he’s refusing to discuss issues, quitting his job will though telling you, going awol but ignoring it in return. His lack of communication is actually really disrespectful to you and your children. This is not the behaviour of a good partner or father.

The cause of his behaviour could be any number of things (depression, an affair, work stress, lack of emotional growth due to parents) but none of it excuses how he is treating you. You deserve better.

You are clearly and understandably in a state of shock. Is there someone IRL you can speak to? You need to give yourself some time to process and understand what it is you want for your life moving forward. If he returns home again in a day or two are you going to let things go back to normal til the next time he decides to leave? It’s not fair on you or your DC to live in this uncertainty. Living with a man who has taken off 4 times in a year without explanation sounds extremely stressful and unsettling for all of you.

If he has left for good (or you decide this is the end of your relationship even if he does want to come back) then you need to start processing your feelings as well as taking practical steps to protect yourself.

A husband who has left is no longer your friend and ultimately cannot be trusted to be kind, moral or predictable (other than in the sense of being like every other man who has ever left his wife in that he becomes a prick).

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. You can get through this, you are stronger than you know

silverbirches · 30/12/2024 14:16

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:44

@silverbirches @SugarPlumpFairyCakes Even in divorce situations a parent may leave the family unit but they aren't "leaving" the children but their partner. Do not dump this on the children and include them in the "blame" game whatever reason he is leaving for whether its mental health reasons or because he has someone else. It's never on the kids.

The man has fucked off and nobody knows where he is.

He HAS abandoned his dc.

Chersfrozenface · 30/12/2024 14:31

Recently when hes been at home he's not been present. He's always on his phone texting or if he has a call he leaves the room to take it.

Unless that was to do with work, he's been communicating with someone about something he doesn't want you to be aware of.

That, combined with the organised, pre-planned packing and the council tax comment, makes me think he's left to be with someone rather than he's having a mental health crisis.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 14:48

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 09:58

Utter tripe that anyone on here is blaming the children at all.

In fact I don't even blame the op.

The reckless way this man has just decided to leave - it's all on him.

Not a care for the impact on his dcs.

So please read posts properly and stop making false accusations. Ok?

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Perhaps you should reread what I said and follow your own advice.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 14:51

@Spirallingdownwards nobody is blaming the kids.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 14:52

@Spirallingdownwards you said, "Do not dump this on the children and include them in the "blame" game whatever reason he is leaving for whether its mental health reasons or...."

Utter cobblers.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 30/12/2024 14:55

I think it sounds as though he's seeing someone, OP. Nobody stays out overnight without an explanation - where would he sleep? And all that texting and going out of the room for calls - it's recent and it's coincided with him being withdrawn from the family.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 14:58

silverbirches · 30/12/2024 14:16

The man has fucked off and nobody knows where he is.

He HAS abandoned his dc.

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He is in contact with his daughter and seeing her tomorrow as per @FunTraybake .

My advice to the original poster@FunTraybake remains the same. He isn't leaving his kids if he is leaving a relationship with you, so to be mindful of using phrases of "leaving us". Don't make the children feel it is any way on them. Despite whatever other posters are saying they are missing the point I am making whether they are being deliberately obtuse or just feel the need to disagree with someone (who knows). Don't use the term "us". If he is ill and taking time out then say this to them but if as it seems from later posts it looks like he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore even if you two split it doesn't end his relationship with them and I am glad to see he is in contact with your daughter and agreed to see her.

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 14:59

He comes back the next afternoon/evening and it's always either a weekend or Friday.

I only noticed this now. 99% OW - him preparing his stuff, sorting out storage, keeping you away from his socialising etc was him preparing to leave.

It can be both though - both OW and a MH crisis. I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP, but brace yourself.

PiggyPigalle · 30/12/2024 16:03

He's with someone else. Note how he wouldn't answer the phone when his daughter rang, but sent a text later. He was with the OW but when he had a moment alone sent the text.
Don't report him to the police OP. First question would be, "has he ever done this before."?
Sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster

FunTraybake · 30/12/2024 16:29

He's been out with the kids. I still don't know where he is staying. I asked him where he was staying and then dd came in and he left without saying. She asked him while they were out and his answer was he's housesitting for a few days. He took the kids out to buy me birthday presents (it's my birthday tomorrow). He's planning on taking the kids to visit their grandparents in Sunday so they've said. He says he'd be back on 2nd to get dd as she needs a new blazer so he'd take her to get it. It's the most involved he's been with the kids for a while so that's nice but it also hurts. We've been together since 1997 and I'm not even getting an explanation of what went wrong. I'm sitting here crying and he's just being all normal.

OP posts:

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 16:31

he's housesitting for a few days

I… I’m so sorry. He’s being nice to them to brace them for what’s coming, possibly. My WF was like this.

Start getting your end of things organised.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 17:00

Yeah cos vanishing several times in the past and just upping and leaving is fine and not leaving your family in the lurch at all.

Incredible to read the posters who defend those people who just up and leave without discussion or reassurance that they are safe and well and not about to top themselves.

Look after yourself, op. and your dcs. Because your h is an unreliable flake who leaves his family at the drop of a hat whenever he feels like it.

HeavyRainSoon · 30/12/2024 17:12

I'm so sorry this is happening to you 💐you have my complete sympathies - its almost word for word what my DB did to my SIL and their kids a few years ago. I'm not saying its not a MH crisis but given your updates I would be cautious, and protect yourself as much as possible too.

My SIL was terrified because DB played the MH card, threatened suicide, everything; had me out looking for his van when she couldn't find him...turns out he was staying with OW and her kids at weekends, plus a whole heap of other stuff too long to mention here, but it was the most horrendous time for all of our family. He openly admitted later he was manipulating the situation by blaming MH as he got away with a lot more with SIL than he would have done otherwise.

She couldn't see all the way through it though, even after the OW came out, and the saddest thing is she chose to stay with him even though he has since done other similar things, so she's still being manipulated by him 🙁

Easipeelerie · 30/12/2024 17:15

It’s to be expected that he’s acting normal. He’s already checked out and loved on emotionally.

Seaoftroubles · 30/12/2024 17:15

What a selfish man he is to keep you dangling and refuse to let you know where he is staying. Whatever his reasons or problems there's no excuse for him to treat you so disrespectfully. It's obvious you cannot rely on this man at all and l think on your situation l would start making plans to separate with a view to divorcing him.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 17:23

Start being steely, op.

Be polite but cold and distant.

Make some moves to protect your future. Do not tell him anything beyond the necessary I.e., about the dcs or stuff like that.

Go see a solictor.

It's so hard and bewildering but he has been planning this and he's way ahead of you and is probably banking on your being stunned and feeling unable to do anything.

I hope you can regain some strength and realise your power.

PiggyPigalle · 30/12/2024 17:26

Don't you think it's time to get tough OP?
I mean that is truly messing with their minds to tell the kids he's house sitting for a few days as though he'll be home, when his stuff is in storage.
I'd have to tell him he either gets home and acts like a husband and father or I'll start divorce proceedings.

Do you think he'd stand for you acting that way while he looked after the home and children. Patiently waiting until you're home with no questions asked.

You're in a decent financial situation, don't let him do this or you'll be setting a bad example to the kids and wrecking your own dignity. The best you could muster when asked how you felt about him was you were fond of him.
That wouldn't be enough for the next x number of years when the kids have left.
Think hard about it, or you'll still be sitting there at 70, wondering whether he'll be back or not.

MrsMoastyToasty · 30/12/2024 17:27

If you have joint accounts then get your bank to freeze them. He won't get far with no money.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2024 18:05

MrsMoastyToasty · 30/12/2024 17:27

If you have joint accounts then get your bank to freeze them. He won't get far with no money.

I'd certainly be taking my spare out, incase he empties the account. Hopefully he won't ad it would impact his kids whom he still seems somewhat caring of.

He's been planning this for a while. Even telling you to claim the single council tax discount.

I'd be telling him he's not coming back when it doesn't work out with his new mistress and he isn't fooling you for a minute. That you just wish he'd done you the decency of being honest instead of being such a coward. Then I'd file for divorce ASAP. And claim child support.

Fuck him.

winter8090 · 30/12/2024 18:22

Sending you hugs and strength OP. There is lots of good advice on this thread. Focus on the practicalities and the children for now.

He doesn't deserve you.

silverbirches · 30/12/2024 18:37

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 14:58

He is in contact with his daughter and seeing her tomorrow as per @FunTraybake .

My advice to the original poster@FunTraybake remains the same. He isn't leaving his kids if he is leaving a relationship with you, so to be mindful of using phrases of "leaving us". Don't make the children feel it is any way on them. Despite whatever other posters are saying they are missing the point I am making whether they are being deliberately obtuse or just feel the need to disagree with someone (who knows). Don't use the term "us". If he is ill and taking time out then say this to them but if as it seems from later posts it looks like he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore even if you two split it doesn't end his relationship with them and I am glad to see he is in contact with your daughter and agreed to see her.

Edited

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Okay thanks, I didn't see that.