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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband left us

155 replies

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 17:55

My husband of 16 years walked out on me and our kids today.
He's not got anywhere to stay as far as I know. There was no argument he has also quit his job without having another one to go to just befre christmas. I am sad and don't really know how I feel apart from crying. I don't have any friends to talk to. Our kids are 13 and 16 I'm not sure they realise he's left for good (he's left a few times for a day or 2 this year as he said stuff was getting to him but he never really said what that was even when asked). He says he can't cope anymore. I'm refusing to text him or to beg him to come back

OP posts:
winter8090 · 30/12/2024 07:50

I would say there's another woman.

Disappearing. Switching off phone. No explanation where he is currently living.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2024 07:56

...pattern of suddenly leaving, turns off his phone on a friday night, leaves again suddenly under the guise of mental health, you notice he keeps his social life and friends etc...seperate from you.

Sorry but this smacks of there being another woman. Of wanting to start the new year seeing her. Usually men don't leave if they haven't somewhere to go. I'd ask him where EXACTLY he is staying NOW and look at his mannerisms as he responds.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 30/12/2024 08:06

Having seen the updates I think you can stop using up the energy you'll need to navigate a divorce on wondering what he's up to, why and with whom.

Repeatedly absenting himself overnight without notice or reason, and being generally absent other than providing a taxi service? I think your life would be much more peaceful without him in it on a permanent basis.

ladybird2024 · 30/12/2024 08:27

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 17:55

My husband of 16 years walked out on me and our kids today.
He's not got anywhere to stay as far as I know. There was no argument he has also quit his job without having another one to go to just befre christmas. I am sad and don't really know how I feel apart from crying. I don't have any friends to talk to. Our kids are 13 and 16 I'm not sure they realise he's left for good (he's left a few times for a day or 2 this year as he said stuff was getting to him but he never really said what that was even when asked). He says he can't cope anymore. I'm refusing to text him or to beg him to come back

I agree with all the other comments.

I think there is someone else.

Turning his phone off, disappearing for weekends, being absent in the house when he's there physically, on his phone constantly, taking calls in other rooms it's all a bit suspicious OP

I had this with my ex husband it's funny because they don't realise you can sense changes and see how different they act. Makes me blood boil they can do this to their own children.

The whole 'you should trust me' also rings de ja vu to me. I would be focusing on getting yourself sorted with in regards to solicitors etc I wouldn't even try and find out what the problem is because he clearly doesn't respect you as he's done this numerous times.

Men actually sicken me 😡

OrchardBlack · 30/12/2024 08:34

Genuinely think you should be looking for him to be honest.

Jolietta · 30/12/2024 08:49

Bibi12 · 29/12/2024 23:00

OP wake up. This man is abandoning his responsibilities because he knows you will pick up the pieces. He has done it repeatedly. Stop buying into depression and mental issues. Lots of people who suffer with bad mental health don't behave that way. Women get postnatal depression and are overwhelmed with life etc, do they just forget their children?
Even when people have mental breakdowns they usually worry about their loved ones and believe their families would be better off without them and then they are very vocal about it. They don't just f**k off and turn their phones off when they are about to pick up the kids (repeatedly). I wouldn't be surprised if there was another woman in the picture. Mental issues or not he is very selfish.

That's what I thought.

He is a very capable man as seen with his job and sorting out the garage etc.

I don't think he's heading to the woods never to return and is quite comfy on a sofa in another woman's house watching the telly whilst she makes his melas.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 08:55

Although I have massive sympathy for you with him walking out and for him in his clearly depressed state I have a slight issue with husband left us as a title. Please do not say to your kids or frame it as leaving "us" if he is leaving you permanently. The fact he will interact and will be seeing your daughter means he isn't leaving them.

It does sound as though he is depressed and I would be concerned whether he was suicidal. I get that you may be at the end of your tether if you have had had to pick up the responsibility of life but depression can be so debilitating and difficult for partners to deal with.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/12/2024 09:01

winter8090 · 30/12/2024 07:50

I would say there's another woman.

Disappearing. Switching off phone. No explanation where he is currently living.

I agree, unfortunately.

Notdoingtoobadfor52 · 30/12/2024 09:13

winter8090 · 30/12/2024 07:50

I would say there's another woman.

Disappearing. Switching off phone. No explanation where he is currently living.

Me too I'm afraid. My best friends husband did this and we all thought he was depressed and we were all so worried.
Turns out he was leading a double life and had been for some time.
Nobody leaves a home with nowhere to sleep - that's crazy! The switching the phone off/leaving the room to talk etc are huge flags. All I can say is that it will all become apparent eventually so be organised and try to be 1 step ahead.
Good luck and stay strong x

CautiousLurker01 · 30/12/2024 09:20

Bibi12 · 30/12/2024 01:01

But he is not being sectioned is he?!! You're talking about serious cases of female depression when services have to be involved. It happens very rarely that a woman just upps and leaves or turnes her phone off instead of picking up the kids yet is perfectly capable to function in other areas, attend work etc. Women are much less enabled both by men and society to just leave the kids and go. Men are perfectly enabled and they do it all the time since beginning of time. There are literally milions of examples of men doing it. Because they CAN.
I never said she should not do welfare check but it's extremely naive to blame his behaviour just on depression. I don't believe it for one minute. And it's insulting to all the people who suffer with depression and don't turn their phones off instead of picking up own kids. People can have metal issues and also be selfish, entitled, irresponsible or lack integrity. It doesn't mean it should be tolerated just because they struggle.

But as far as we know he MAY need to be sectioned? The OP does not know where her DH is? She just knows that he has considerable life stressors, has said he is not coping, and he has walked out.

And with respect to the rest you are just naive or blessed to have known very few people who have been as seriously mentally ill. My mother was one such person who DID just fuck off for days, leaving me even at the age of 3 in a cot in a soiled nappy alone, before pitching back up a few days later. She’d diappear for a week or so leaving my sisters and I without food, money or anyone we could contact. I know of another woman who was sectioned with puerperal depression after both her children were born, for 6m in the first instance, later diagnosed with bipolar. My uncle was someone who would disappear and reappear like this. He committed suicide in his thirties.

Look at the govt stats - there are hundreds of people who do this.

YOU cannot say whether the OPs DH is mentally ill or a just a selfish person based on the posts here - you do not have the facts. In fact I’m not sure OP does, as she is muddling through trying to raise her kids, hence PPs here suggesting she report him missing so that he can be reached and assessed.

However, if there is even a remote chance that his issue is MH related, then it is fucking important for the OP - and her children - that she considers this, gets him a welfare check and excludes it because if she doesn’t, if her actions are the final tipping point that triggers a suicide or permanent disappearance, she will have to live with the guilt and navigate that throughout the rest of her and her children’s lives. Having seen my grandmother live with that guilt in relation to my uncle, I’d not wish that on anyone, especially a woman with two teens to raise (FYI my DGM got fed up of bailing him out of the police after each episode and ignored their call one day. She never saw him again… until they visited to advise of his death and she had to identify his body.)

northernlight20 · 30/12/2024 09:22

After your updates, I think he’s using the ‘mental health’ stick to beat you with. Concentrate on the kids and yourself and leave him to it. Sounds like he’s found a replacement and coward enough to act like he’s depressed.

silverbirches · 30/12/2024 09:36

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 08:55

Although I have massive sympathy for you with him walking out and for him in his clearly depressed state I have a slight issue with husband left us as a title. Please do not say to your kids or frame it as leaving "us" if he is leaving you permanently. The fact he will interact and will be seeing your daughter means he isn't leaving them.

It does sound as though he is depressed and I would be concerned whether he was suicidal. I get that you may be at the end of your tether if you have had had to pick up the responsibility of life but depression can be so debilitating and difficult for partners to deal with.

The thing is though, he has walked out and left the family. He hasn't just left the OP, he's left the whole family behind.

Seasonsfeastings · 30/12/2024 09:36

Where is he staying? This massively sounds like another woman.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 09:38

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 08:55

Although I have massive sympathy for you with him walking out and for him in his clearly depressed state I have a slight issue with husband left us as a title. Please do not say to your kids or frame it as leaving "us" if he is leaving you permanently. The fact he will interact and will be seeing your daughter means he isn't leaving them.

It does sound as though he is depressed and I would be concerned whether he was suicidal. I get that you may be at the end of your tether if you have had had to pick up the responsibility of life but depression can be so debilitating and difficult for partners to deal with.

He's left the family unit. He's left them with no discussion or support. Stop splitting hairs.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/12/2024 09:39

Your update paints a different picture. It could be poor mental health but the secrecy etc suggests it's not just that.

Sorry op, whatever the reason his behaviour is very damaging.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:44

@silverbirches @SugarPlumpFairyCakes Even in divorce situations a parent may leave the family unit but they aren't "leaving" the children but their partner. Do not dump this on the children and include them in the "blame" game whatever reason he is leaving for whether its mental health reasons or because he has someone else. It's never on the kids.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 09:56

Eh? Not blaming the kids one bit. Where did you read that?

I

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/12/2024 09:58

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 09:44

@silverbirches @SugarPlumpFairyCakes Even in divorce situations a parent may leave the family unit but they aren't "leaving" the children but their partner. Do not dump this on the children and include them in the "blame" game whatever reason he is leaving for whether its mental health reasons or because he has someone else. It's never on the kids.

Utter tripe that anyone on here is blaming the children at all.

In fact I don't even blame the op.

The reckless way this man has just decided to leave - it's all on him.

Not a care for the impact on his dcs.

So please read posts properly and stop making false accusations. Ok?

Easipeelerie · 30/12/2024 10:13

I started reading this thread and felt concern for your dh. After reading the whole thread, I’ve shifted my perception..
He’s always secretly texting. He goes and returns repeatedly. He’s checked out from Christmas with you. He won’t allow you to track where he is, despite these mental health crises because he thinks you should trust him. His comment about council tax suggests he has been planning a split.
Notwithstanding the very real mental health issues people might have, the details you have given suggest someone who has checked out from you and may be with someone else.

fc123 · 30/12/2024 10:14

winter8090 · 30/12/2024 07:50

I would say there's another woman.

Disappearing. Switching off phone. No explanation where he is currently living.

Me too. Some behaviour similar to what I experienced with the XH.
He IS having a MH crisis for sure but I also feel there's an OW in the background and she may be putting pressure on him.
Add in the job pressures, the conflicting emotions about his family and OP and he's in turmoil.

Semiramide · 30/12/2024 11:08

His comment about council tax suggests he has been planning a split.

I agree. For most people this wouldn't even be on their radar.

Gorgeousfeet · 30/12/2024 11:12

I am sorry you are going through all of this op.

How very stressful and unsettling for both you and your children.

TwinkleLights24 · 30/12/2024 11:34

It sounds like there is another woman after reading your further posts.

I would make this the last time he leaves. When he comes back, because he will, I’d not let him back in the house.

StarCourt · 30/12/2024 11:48

Honestly Op I'd suspect an affair

MyLoyalEagle · 30/12/2024 11:54

He might have got another woman OP