Husband left us

[FunTraybake]

My husband of 16 years walked out on me and our kids today.
He's not got anywhere to stay as far as I know. There was no argument he has also quit his job without having another one to go to just befre christmas. I am sad and don't really know how I feel apart from crying. I don't have any friends to talk to. Our kids are 13 and 16 I'm not sure they realise he's left for good (he's left a few times for a day or 2 this year as he said stuff was getting to him but he never really said what that was even when asked). He says he can't cope anymore. I'm refusing to text him or to beg him to come back

He had time to tell you he is definitely leaving , since the single council tax info. That is not mental health crisis. It is a decision based on his own reasons

We had friends whose husband one day came and said he does not want to keep doing this < whole thing > anymore and left.

Lots of people who suffer with bad mental health don't behave that way. Women get postnatal depression and are overwhelmed with life etc, do they just forget their children?

So, yes, actually they do. Women with puerperal depression are often sectioned and only allowed back home with their babies with the support of a mental health team and social services. Others do walk out and never return. And many men behave the way the OP’s DH has… just before finally attempting suicide or disappearing. Have known friends and a family member in both types of depression. Minimising from behind the anonymity of a screen is easy.

OP should be concerned. She should report his absence to the police and seek a welfare check (they will be able to trace his mobile even if she can’t).

This.
Stop allowing him to do this to you and the children.
Selfish twat.
How convenient that he can just leave you to it.
Protect yourself and your children op as he clearly isn't going to.

Block his father.
I wouldn't be entertaining him at all.

Any chance he has someone else?

The only reasons I can think of his MH crisis or the typical… someone else lined up.

I think OW. Sorry, OP.

My father did something like this many years ago. Left and checked himself into a hotel. This was before mobile phones. We didn't know where he was for a couple of days. Now, with hindsight, I can see he was having a breakdown.

OP, work is too much for him, his father is obviously too much for him, and so when you told him you didn't want his father visiting for Christmas on your birthday, you inadvertently piled on a bit more pressure in that he would now have to try and please both his father and you too. I say that in the kindest way.

This was my immediate thought too.

Harsh.

I really think he sounds like a risk to himself and if you can’t contact him, you should report him missing to the police

Your DH needs mental health help.
Search out phone numbers and contacts to give to him.

Insist that he seeks help.
You take over the running of the family but give him regular tasks, like pick ups and drop offs, for the kids. Inform him clearly of days and times set in stone and tell him you trust him to not let them down.
Trust him to attend to the kids and to seek mental health help... until he shows he is not to be trusted.

You might have to call mental health to your home if he is really not coping.

Hopefully he will improve when he has found a job that he enjoys; how terrible to have been going to work at a job that he detested, poor guy.

So he's disappeared four times and has been incommunicado those four times.

This is the fifth time? Only this time he's actively packed up stuff from the garage?

I think you need to see a solicitor.

You can't be expected to deal with this continuously.

But he is not being sectioned is he?!! You're talking about serious cases of female depression when services have to be involved. It happens very rarely that a woman just upps and leaves or turnes her phone off instead of picking up the kids yet is perfectly capable to function in other areas, attend work etc. Women are much less enabled both by men and society to just leave the kids and go. Men are perfectly enabled and they do it all the time since beginning of time. There are literally milions of examples of men doing it. Because they CAN.
I never said she should not do welfare check but it's extremely naive to blame his behaviour just on depression. I don't believe it for one minute. And it's insulting to all the people who suffer with depression and don't turn their phones off instead of picking up own kids. People can have metal issues and also be selfish, entitled, irresponsible or lack integrity. It doesn't mean it should be tolerated just because they struggle.

I don't think it sounds like the op insisting on anything is going to be of any consequence to this man.

Honestly the ignorance in this thread about male mental health in is shocking and shows the world has a way to go.

Coming from someone who's father committed suicide and had a breakdown that wasn't picked up in time, it sounds like he is there and needs professional help and support.
And no, he wasn't selfish, a piece of shit, bad father or any of those things.
It's no wonder suicide rates in males are higher...

I hope some of you writing comments from behind a screen never have to experience the pain of losing a parent, loved one or family member to suicide. The lasting impact it has 26 years on is still deep.

I agree that he can't keep walking in & out.

BUT him packing the garage & suggesting OP look into single council tax... Sounds like more someone trying to tie up lose ends than looking forward to a fresh start, which would concern me deeply.

I would be more concerned than angry right now.

I have history of depression, PTSD, grief and suicidal thoughts all while being a single parent. I didnt have a luxury to just up and go. I had to push through it and get help.
I'm sorry for what you went through but I stand by what I wrote and just because my opinion is different doesn't mean I'm ignorant.
OP's husband turned his phone off instead of collecting kids because he knew OP will be there to pick up where he left.
This is a pattern of men being enabled by society where they can just leave, abandon their responsibility because they won't be judged and a woman will pick up the pieces.
OP can and should do welfare check. In her shoes I would be concerned for his welfare 100% but it doesn't mean she should tolerate repeated let downs and abandonments. What about her mental health?

People are allowed to have different opinions. There is enough posts advising her to take over most household tasks and be understanding. I'm offering different possible perspective. What is actually happening nobody knows for sure because we're not in her husband's head.

He could equally just have buggered off to an ow.

You might think he has mh issues. Other posters disagree. Doesn't mean they are ignorant about men's mh. They just don't think this guy is one of them.

The fact he's done this 4 times and follows the same pattern with it being over the weekend, phone off and returning in the afternoon or evening makes me think other woman more than mental health crisis. I could be wrong but it seems to be a pattern. Maybe she gave him an ultimatum?

Have you ever suspected an affair OP? Leaving his job bit is strange but maybe he's planning a move to a new area?

I’d be very concerned for his mental state. Msg him to Remind him that jobs come and go, but you and the kids are there for him. Tell him he can take a break by himself if that’s what he needs. But ask him to seek help too.
I am sorry for you and the kids OP. You’ll get through this, a day at a time. I hope everything works out for the best.

This. He may be depressed but that doesn't give him a free pass to walk out, come back, walk out again and upset you and his kids on a whim. You'd be better off without him.

The only thing he does now is the driving for the kids or taking me shopping when I ask.
All housework is me and it's been that way for a while. I make sure both kids do what they need for school and go to parents evening etc on my own. I chose and wrapped all the Christmas presents apart from a couple picked up a few days before Xmas and that was just after his last disappearance. Or strangely enough one he decided to buy on christmas day for ds. Recently when hes been at home he's not been present. He's always on his phone texting or if he has a call he leaves the room to take it. I didn't get a single christmas present and I didn't make a fuss about it as i didn't want to spoil Xmas. I've wondered if there is someone else recently but I've no idea.

Ok well instead of trying to figure him out - not least because you can't help as he's gone incommunicado- it's time to focus on you and your dcs. To protect them and yourself from future disruptive drama and to consider your futures.

Can you see a solicitor today?

Do you work?

Your being there for the dcs means an awful lot. They can rely on you for stability. Amazing how you held it together over Christmas.

Hmm, think I agree with the previous poster. Focus your energies on yourself and the children.

It is difficult to tell whether he may be depressed, got fed up with the same old (family, work), or has another woman. Or possibly all three. Your posts suggest a somewhat barren relationship, without any real emotional depth. Like both of you were focusing on practical stuff and basically leading parallel lives, with very little family involvement from him.

I think all you can do now is focus on practicalities:
Keep family life as normal as possible for your children.
Work on the assumption that you'll be a single parent, which will involve going back to working full-time, learning to drive, selling the house and finding smaller accommodation, etc.
Getting divorced with the least possible hassle. Educate yourself (Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies), compile a full list of all financial assets, and see an experienced family solicitor.

And keep putting one foot in front of the other and provide emotional support for your children.

Oh OP im so sorry. Your doing really well. Your DH sounds like he isnt coming back but he also sounds like a coward