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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left us

155 replies

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 17:55

My husband of 16 years walked out on me and our kids today.
He's not got anywhere to stay as far as I know. There was no argument he has also quit his job without having another one to go to just befre christmas. I am sad and don't really know how I feel apart from crying. I don't have any friends to talk to. Our kids are 13 and 16 I'm not sure they realise he's left for good (he's left a few times for a day or 2 this year as he said stuff was getting to him but he never really said what that was even when asked). He says he can't cope anymore. I'm refusing to text him or to beg him to come back

OP posts:
villagecrafts · 29/12/2024 18:41

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:28

I'll see if he answers my daughter as he won't answer me and I don't have any way of tracking him.

You shouldn't involve the children if you can possibly avoid it, it could be very damaging for them, they are too young to have that responsibility.

Have you tried to contact him now? Your opening post said you're refusing to text him. You don't have to beg him to come back, you can just say you are worried and need to know where he is and that he's ok.

Marmalade7219 · 29/12/2024 18:42

I’d be concerned too. My brother did something similar and he is no longer with us. Sadly, none of us realised how depressed he was. Also, saw it happen with one of the senior doctors at the hospital where I used to work.

His job is destroying him. He needs to leave it.

I hope you get in contact with him. He needs to talk to someone. Please don’t see this is he wants to leave you. It’s his job by the sounds of it. Some employers (and the NHS is bad for this) are unaware, and don’t give a damn if they were, about workload and the mental health effects on staff.

villagecrafts · 29/12/2024 18:44

Marmalade7219 · 29/12/2024 18:42

I’d be concerned too. My brother did something similar and he is no longer with us. Sadly, none of us realised how depressed he was. Also, saw it happen with one of the senior doctors at the hospital where I used to work.

His job is destroying him. He needs to leave it.

I hope you get in contact with him. He needs to talk to someone. Please don’t see this is he wants to leave you. It’s his job by the sounds of it. Some employers (and the NHS is bad for this) are unaware, and don’t give a damn if they were, about workload and the mental health effects on staff.

My father too, a doctor. Went missing for 6 weeks, then was no more.

Moonwalkies · 29/12/2024 18:46

Contact the non urgent police line, he might not answer you or it's not unreasonable for it to be overwhelming for you- but if you report your concerns they'll be assessed.

Original poster
FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:46

He wouldn't answer the phone to me or my daughter but he txt her to say he will see her tomorrow and that he is fine.

He does speak to his parents but would absolutely not speak about how he's feeling to them and wouldnt want me to be the one to tell them he has left.

His dad is very controlling and wants you to do everything his way (when we moved into this house I left him in the house with our bathroom guy who was doing the tiling whilst I went to get the kids from school and he changed the tile layout as he didn't like it).

OP posts:
Marmalade7219 · 29/12/2024 18:48

villagecrafts · 29/12/2024 18:44

My father too, a doctor. Went missing for 6 weeks, then was no more.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear that.💐

Original poster
FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:49

villagecrafts · 29/12/2024 18:44

My father too, a doctor. Went missing for 6 weeks, then was no more.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear that.

OP posts:
Porkyporkchop · 29/12/2024 18:49

He does sound depressed but OP has to think about herself and the children. He may just need a break and if you are texting constantly you will not be letting him have that.
personally, I would leave it - maybe call his parents and tell them so they can call him, but otherwise I would just try to carry on and pick up the pieces.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 29/12/2024 18:50

wouldnt want me to be the one to tell them he has left.

With respect if you walk out on your wife and children without giving a decent explanation of where you're going and how long you're going to be and letting them know you're safe, then you don't really get to decide what goes on in your absence, or what they need to do to get support to cope.

I think it would be fair to let him know that you have got grave concerns for his mental and physical wellbeing and if he can't let you know where he is and why then you'll be involving whoever you feel appropriate in order to get assistance.

villagecrafts · 29/12/2024 18:51

@FunTraybake

It's good news he text your daughter and is planning to see her tomorrow.

DorothyStorm · 29/12/2024 18:54

Did you ask him where he was going to stay?

Skybluepinky · 29/12/2024 18:54

Sounds like he has mh issues, the worry would be he’d do something to himself.

mummymissessunshine · 29/12/2024 19:08

Sounds like a MH crisis. Or OW. Or both.

However. You need to protect you and the kids. Not go down with him.

Phone his closest friend / sibling and say you are worried about him. Explain why. Like you have here.

Check your finances.

(My father went like this. Went on for years. Spent all their money. House repossessed. Ruined relationships with his kids. My mother stuck with him. He was an arsehole. Never apologised.)

mummymissessunshine · 29/12/2024 19:08

Oh. and see a divorce lawyer and know where you stand. Make a plan in case you need it. ASAP.

Treblechef · 29/12/2024 19:14

FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 18:49

Sorry to hear that.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t be begging him to return home. He needs space and to sort himself out.

cestlavielife · 29/12/2024 19:18

All you can do is wait til tomorrow

He wouldn't answer the phone to me or my daughter but he txt her to say he will see her tomorrow and that he is fine.

Meanwhile make plans to be single
Do you have income?
Access to bank accounts?
Pay mortgage?

Sdpbody · 29/12/2024 19:20

OW 100%

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/12/2024 19:22

There is no way a man leaves without somewhere to go.

He's fine.

He's just left his family. Definitely organised somewhere else to sleep well in advance.

The reality will emerge very soon.

KhakiOrca · 29/12/2024 19:23

My EX H said he couldn’t cope with his job and was always “working overtime “ covering shifts. He also said he was so stressed with his job.
He had me thinking he had MH issues, except it was OW issues instead.
He just left one day.

The fact he has cleared some stuff to put in to storage should really tell you all you need to know.

Sorry OP. But the OW also usually gives an ultimatum around Xmas time in my experience.

Cynic17 · 29/12/2024 19:24

I would be very worried about his wellbeing. You need to know that he's safe, with somewhere to stay. Everything else is secondary.

Original poster
FunTraybake · 29/12/2024 19:25

cestlavielife · 29/12/2024 19:18

All you can do is wait til tomorrow

He wouldn't answer the phone to me or my daughter but he txt her to say he will see her tomorrow and that he is fine.

Meanwhile make plans to be single
Do you have income?
Access to bank accounts?
Pay mortgage?

Yes I work part time.
I have access to all our accounts, he probably doesn't apart from the cards as he has never bothered with the daily stuff (even when I worked full time I did all our finances)
House is mortgage free.

OP posts:
Ecstaticmotion · 29/12/2024 19:29

there are some red flags for suicidality in what you've described of his behaviour, i would definitely be contacting anyone who he gets along with to ask them to check in with him...

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 29/12/2024 19:50

What you've said makes me fear for him. I hope he contacts your DD tomorrow. If he doesn't I'd think again.

CautiousLurker01 · 29/12/2024 19:57

chickpea1982 · 29/12/2024 18:00

I know the general trend on mumsnet is to blame the man, but honestly he sounds severely depressed. No one just leaves their family and their job suddenly, with no argument, unless something is seriously wrong. If it was just leaving you then I might think OW, but leaving his job as well? Maybe he needs some support, and withholding contact could be making it worse. I get that you are angry, but what if he is a risk to himself? After 16 years, I'd just try to put yourself in his shoes to try to understand what is going on.

I agree with this. Am wondering whether you need to consider his welfare and contact the police if he does not return within 48hours? Depression and (I’m sorry) suicidal ideation is a significant risk in men over 40.

Have you texted him to check if he is okay or checked with family/friends to see if he has turned up there? I would not alarm your children (esp the 16yo if they are in GCSE year/mocks coming up) but you need to reach out to people you both know in real life, try to find him, and ascertain that he is safe.

If it turns out that he is pissing you about, then start divorce proceedings when he turns up, but for now you need to cover all bases.

TwinkleLights24 · 29/12/2024 19:59

I would still try and have a welfare check or at least ring around and see if anyone has let him stay.

People who are depressed often make plans with others and then take their life when they know nobody will expect it. I’m not saying this to be alarming but don’t let him say I’ll see your child tomorrow give you a false sense of security.