Ethical non monogamy WTF?

[Whatisthisdamnednonsense]

I’m back on the dating apps after a two year relationship so been out of the dating scene. I’ve come across men saying they are looking for “ethical non monogamy” and also men saying they’re “polyamorous”. This wasn’t a thing in 2021 when I last had a dating profile! It’s just code for “I like shagging around” isn’t it? I’m open minded about dating but am baulking at how common it seems to be, I would say it’s every one in six or seven profiles!! Anyone else noticed this?
ps I’m back on bumble as it worked for me last time, what are the recommended apps these days? I don’t want hookups or one nighters! Just a nice boyfriend!

These terms are often handy red flags. "Sex positive" are the coercive ones who'll tell you that you're vanilla/prude/hateful/cisheteronormative/slur du jour for having any boundaries or not wanting to do whatever weird shit they're into.

Tactile can just mean likes sex, I had that on my profile about ten years back, before I met my second husband, because I wanted potentials to know I like sex without actually saying it out loud and being inundated by creeps.

It depends on where it comes in the bio, or even if they have a bio really, I wrote my bio carefully and clearly as looking for a long term relationship, not interested at all in any sort of casual thing and wanted to find someone to build a friendship and a monogamous future with and then I mentioned tactile. Might also depend on the site.

😂😂 these men are fools

@Jazzjazzjazz
I wouldn't go that far, but it would seem obvious that in order to have multiple partners, they need to be sniffing out new partners on a regular basis and therefore they come off as sleazy and predatory. That would be because if they are trying it on with people who are not involved in that lifestyle then they are being predatory.
They can't all be like that though. I'm sure there are those who only seek partners from within their own community, such as looking for them at swinger's clubs and on kinky dating sites. If they don't bother monogamous people I have nothing personal against them, though I do find that lifestyle gross. It's also a huge STD risk, which is socially irresponsible. Condoms aren't even effective against HPV and herpes, so a good number of people who have many sexual partners are bound to be walking petri dishes, which I could never get past even if the lifestyle was to my taste.

20 years together, 16 of them married We’re each other’s partners in life,

Through all these years, we’ve stayed faithful well, I know I have, and I’d like to think he has too. I’ll admit I’ve had the odd crush here and there (who hasn’t?), but nothing romantic—it’s a line I’d never cross because what we have is too important to me.

We are enough for each other but you seek out others whilst being in a full time relationship. Do they know of your long term partner do you tell them this is just a hook up or maybe for a bit longer with the husbands/ wives permission. Doesn’t thst come across as well sleazy, predatory. Don’t you both worry about STIs as having many partners increases the risks. How can you fall in love and not want to leave that's a serious question by the way how, is it even allowed do you allow it? Plus where the bell do you find the time for it all.
@Accidentallyrude

@Whatisthisdamnednonsense I agree, when i was online dating before (last year), I saw this a lot but be glad they are saying it upfront. I chatted to one who told me just before we were planning a first date. He had valid reasons but clearly omitted this in his profile because he knew it would turn some off ie me. We didn't ever go on that date!

This comment here is the one that riled me. It's just a bit too smug for my liking. Shag whom ever you want, but don't assume those of us in monogamous relationships are missing anything.

The term kind of riles, I've never heard of it but I guess they are saying they are just on the site looking for sex with lots of women and don't want a relationship.
And by saying it up front they they are claiming some moral superiority.
It is good they are being up front about it.
I just hope women who reply are genuinely just wanting sex and don't get drawn into wanting a relationship with the man or being manipulated and that the same freedom goes both ways. Personally I would stay well clear.

I mean, literally anyone, anyone at all, can sleep around. There are a lot of people who are not at all discerning and it is incredibly easy to give into temptation. Those of us in monogamous sexual relationships value our partner and our exceptional bond above every other possible shag and have a closeness that is indescribably more valuable than that of anyone with multiple fuck buddies.

Anyone can have multiple, fuck buddies. Not everyone can have a long lasting sexually active monogamous relationship.

But those who can't maintain monogamous relationships will never understand or accept this, though they will sometimes pretend to get where we are coming from in an effort to prosleytise.

Personally, so long as all parties are consenting adults, I don't care. I just wish they'd stop banging on about it, it's so boring and a bit desperate.

Although, I suppose on a dating site there is actually a need to let people know that stuff, so that's fair enough.

I agree, loads of us love sex, I love sex and I’ve only ever had sex with two men, because to me sex is more than just trying out different bodies. Monogamous people aren’t the ones lacking the richness, your narcissistic personality is just attuned to needing new supply frequently and wanting to try out new people emotionally and physically, and obviously if the two of you are on the same page, fair enough, but I wouldn’t call that love, I’d call it convenience. It is convenient for you to essentially live single, falling in love with people, shagging them, while also reaping the benefits of being married. The falling in love you speak of is likely limerance as love by its true romantic definition includes a lot that is missing in the poly life. Things like faithfulness, exclusivity, sacrifice, completeness. Having everything with that one person and not wanting to ever defile it with others.

Let’s be honest most of the ENM lot on OLD aren’t interested in spiritual enlightenment or whatever, they’re common or garden chancers looking for a no strings shag snd use the ENM label as an excuse to defend their inability to keep it on their trousers.

100%, they know how base it is, giving it a spiritual reframing, enables them to appear enlightened, interesting, evolved, decent, caring etc. I’ve heard poly people say that the lifestyle isn’t for everyone as most people don’t have “that much love to give out”, or “know how to love multiple people and reap the benefits of that mutually”, it’s vulgarity dressed as enlightenment. You know what they say. You can roll a turd in glitter, but it’s still a turd

Just seen this one on Bumble - bit nippy this time of year for me 🥶

Ok I take back anything I said about ‘it’s just the same for men’ - not seen a woman put this on her profile (yet) 😂

Hah. Now who is smug and self-righteous. 😂

Facts, poly narcissists are needy individuals, happy with relationships of convenience that allow them to live the single and seeking life, how on earth do they even find the time, they must hate their own company and be the least picky people on the planet to boot

Especially considering that by her own admission, bonds in the poly world are so shallow and impermanent that lovers just "drift away."
This is the superior "richness" in poly relationships which she speaks of? That's quite hypocritical.
Mind you, she was insulted, so maybe it was just a petty dig at that individual and not a comment on monogamous relationships in general, but given that some of her other comments have the same patronizing tone, I suspect it's a bit of both.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't mean to be condescending, but she continued to be just that. I have no patience with hypocrisy and delusions of superiority, but that doesn't mean insulting her as a person is warranted. We can criticize behaviour without stooping to personal atracks. She's been civil (albeit passive aggressive) so IMO she should get civility in return, though I get why people are pissed off enough at the condescension to have a go at her. However, it seems she's left the thread so I guess it doesn't matter.

Don't feed the troll

What a catch! I'm off to Bumble to pledge my troth to that dreamboat.

no they're not facts. Just your opinion of a different kind of relationship. You've cited no facts.

Thank you @XChrome - you're right i have been pas ag but only after a lot of personal attacks. I'm sorry to have stooped to it. I didn't mean to say that monogamous marriages are less rich than others in general, I was having a pop at that particular poster which I shouldn't have done.

Fwiw I agree that an important depth to relationships is faithfulness, exclusivity, sacrifice, completeness. Having everything with that one person and not wanting to ever defile it with others. It's a lovely way to live and leads to incredible depth and sensitivity of a bons. It creates behaviours of kindness and loyalty.

Monogamy, done well, where you dive deeply into that, is a valuable and beautiful thing and one of humanity's greatest and most wonderful achievements.

As I've said all along, examining your life and your attachments is the important thing. Because it leads to kindness and a greater evolution of your relationships.

Whether you come out of that work monogamous or not, examining your life is better than living unthinkingly. It's bad to do monogamy badly - "kneejerk scared posessive fidelity". It's bad to do poly badly - "narcissistic shallow attention-seeking looking constantly for new supply".

However, some on this thread are comparing what they imagine to be the best of monogamy with what they imagine as the worst of polygamy and that doesn't seem fair.

This made the tone of the thread dismissive and dehumanising with some disgust for people who sleep with more than one person, and it got to me - sorry all.

OP asks whether this (ENM) is a legit way to live. I'm just here to say hi, yes it is.

@Accidentallyrude You said and I quote
Whether you come out of that work monogamous or not, examining your life is better than living unthinkingly.

This is where I respectfully disagree with you.

Lots of people don't need to think their life through, life doesn't need examining in all cases, it doesn't make life less rich nor less fulfilling than if you spend years soul searching. You can just do life as it is and as it stands, that too is perfectly reasonable and acceptable, it certainly doesn't make anything lesser or greater or better.

This I think is where you may have irritated people.

What works for you and your relationships, works for you, that's great and fabulous, for you. It doesn't work for those of us who generally take action rather than examining things. If I'd have thought through some of my life choices I'd be stuck in a limbo of uncertainty avoiding decision making. I trust my brain's ability to risk assess and provide a solution quickly. If it doesn't work out then fine, move on and try something else.

My way isn't the right way for everyone but I nor anyone else has less of a life or worse for not feeling a need to examine.

Most people know what they want, they don’t need to do a deep dive to know if they do or do not want to shag around. Some people are repulsed by the thought of it, they love sex, aren’t ‘vanilla’ with a partner but just consider it deeply intimate and bonding, sacred, and to be protected with faithfulness, and wouldn’t want to do that with just anyone, or go off with others. Polygamists always state “one person can’t give you everything”- they haven’t met the one person that means everything to them and fulfils them. There’s nothing wrong with being alone- you cause less damage to others that way.

Some aren’t repulsed by the thought of sleeping with others and get attractions to other people- but they are repulsed by acting on it, and some like yourself consider it an intrinsic part of who you are, and seek out a partner who thinks the same. You can’t actually know that you wouldn’t want to be monogamous if you met the right person. I didn’t go ahead with the relationship with that guy because his obsessive conversation about polygamous ways of being and fancying others made me see that despite his love declarations and how much he wanted me-it was a shallow form of wanting, and that I wasn’t his person who would fulfil him totally. At least you are with someone of the same mindset and not cheating on someone, if this is really the best you envision a relationship being.

Shagging around or coming to the conclusion that you want to shag around is not “doing the work”, again, it is not enlightenment, it is something that some people want even when in a relationship, but they know it doesn’t serve the relationship, only themselves. Others as I’ve said, couldn’t think of anything more repulsive and foreign to them than thinking of anyone else the way they think of their lover.

The poly couple I knew, once the cat was out of the bag, said all this enlightenment stuff and how it makes them stronger blah de blah, they go home to each other etc, there’s so much more to a relationship than sex etc., but she was constantly pissed trying to deal with it, and he was coming on to all her friends, they are in their 50s now, and he shacked up with a 25 year old about 5 years ago, which was inevitable. According to a friend they are monogamous, which is no surprise to me as she clearly does it for him more than his ex did

Hmm actually it is not necessarily a natural human reaction. There are many cultures around the world where the concept of jealousy between men and women doesn't exist and sex with other partners is not associated with loss.. They don't even have a word for jealousy.

Most our responses are learnt and culture based rather then universal yet we insist this is the only "nornal" because we're not exposed to anything else except our western bubble and our own societal structure.

For me personally, even if I got rid of my jealousy I still would prefer monogamy as it feels natural to me and I think it has many benefits. However for other people non monogamy works better and I have no need to criticise them or tell them they're wrong.

What cultures?

Our western culture is very prevalent so although all countries have different traditions we do belong to the same civilisation that have similar understanding of emotions and norms.

When scientists study cultural influences on our emotions and reactions they usually research more isolated tribes and it turnes out their way of life, understanding and expression of emotions often differ greatly from ours.

If you live in a tribe your most important attachment is the belonging to the group. You and your children don't rely on romantic partner for survival. If your partner has sex with someone else they don't leave because there is nowhere to go and many tribes have very practical rather then romantic approach to relationships.

Humans are extremely adaptable and our brain is geared towards learning that's why the culture and societal structure has an enormous effect on us.