Ethical non monogamy WTF?

[Whatisthisdamnednonsense]

I’m back on the dating apps after a two year relationship so been out of the dating scene. I’ve come across men saying they are looking for “ethical non monogamy” and also men saying they’re “polyamorous”. This wasn’t a thing in 2021 when I last had a dating profile! It’s just code for “I like shagging around” isn’t it? I’m open minded about dating but am baulking at how common it seems to be, I would say it’s every one in six or seven profiles!! Anyone else noticed this?
ps I’m back on bumble as it worked for me last time, what are the recommended apps these days? I don’t want hookups or one nighters! Just a nice boyfriend!

I don't think you're old and cynical - I think you're just incredibly judgemental.

If other people choose that lifestyle and are happy with it then how does it impact you in any way?

Surely it's good because you can screen out anyone who has it on their profile and you know would not be a good match for you.

Thank you @XChrome I was checking to see if I had been superior but I hadn't intended to be. Sincere apologies if I wrote something that suggested ENM is essentially better or more evolved. I meant to say that people who do it well, tend to have confronted stuff.

I'd also respectfully suggest that "losing a mate" is exactly the possessive thing that I'm talking about and a framing I find wrong, one which I seek to remove in my own life. I haven't lost my DH because he sleeps with other people. I would lose him if he made a choice to remove his emotional commitment to me. And that happens in monog relationships all the time!

Also - if you read evolutionary biology the current take seems to be that humans are midway between chimp and bonobo when it comes to social hierarchy and how we fit in. Hence our impulses to love and pair bond are true; our impulses to choose many mates are also true; and our impulses to attack ruthlessly other chimps are also true. I don't act on all those. But I don't see why some of them should be seen as more biologically accurate than others.

That's okay love. I was too hard on you. It's been a tough time right now and I'm probably overreacting to a lot of things. I'm sorry.

I don't see what the Bonobo/chimp research has to do with human jealousy and mate guarding. Both chimps and bonobos have it. My point is that it's natural, not an abberation that needs to be examined in order to eliminate it. I'm also not arguing that one should give in to all natural impuleses or that some are more natural than others. I'm saying don't pathologize jealousy or think you can get rid of it. It's still going to be there, whether you act on it or not. It's just repressed, not gone. I don't think repressing feelings is healthy. But it's not like the only other option is acting on them. That would be a false dichotomy.

The problem with letting your husband fuck other people is that he could develop feelings for any one of them and you certainly could lose him that way. His emotional connection to you could end very easily if he prefers somebody else. But if you're okay taking that risk, it's your choice and not my business anyway.

of course it’s about wanting a shag 🙄 or multiple shags or being able to shag who you want when you want. You might not like it being reduced to “someone who is looking for shags from multiple people” but that’s what it is, what else is it?

🥱 keep telling yourself that love

Well, I came onto a thread asking people to explain what ENM is. I live it and am happy and have no fear of my marriage breaking up due to an affair - there would simply be no need.

I've got no reason to come on here and make up stuff. I aappreciate you may not have met someone in my position before (though i bet at least one couple you know is discreetly open, we don't all tend to go on about it).

What is it about my posts that make you ridicule and disbelieve me?

This.

I don't think so. They're saying upfront what they want, and the other users can contact them or not. It's fine. It's the ones who want to sleep around but don't say so, so that they can sleep around but not have their girlfriend do the same that are the problems.

I think what most posters are getting at is that there are loads of men out there of questionable ethics and honesty giving the genuinely ethically non-monogamous a bad name.

I also find myself amused by the idea put forward by a PP that anyone who doesn’t immediately trust the sincerity of a self-professed ethically monogamous man they’ve never met before on a dating site is less evolved than the higher beings who find an enlightened spiritual joy in having multiple sexual partners.

I think it is the pompous self aggrandisement as much as the non-monogamy that puts people off tbh.

That isn't what I said though. That's two things i didn't say in fact.

First, I don't think you should trust someone being a 'self professed' anything if you don't know them. Trusting randomers is a bad idea and everything we read online needs testing, from GSOH to seeking LTR or whatever.

Second, being enm or sleeping with lots of folks isn't inherently more spiritual or betteror smugger.

I stand by the point that an evolution of your own psychological health usually happens as you question shit and get insight into your attachment style, whether you then use that insight to go for monogamy or ENM.

But it's not up to you to say what something can be called or not it is up to them, just move on if you are not interested in that person

That's hilarious 😁

Do they also produce a certificate of not having an STI as I would definitely want to see that for it to be ethical..

This made me laugh, as have many of the comments on here. Have had the same thoughts about these things on dating profiles.

Wtf is often what's going through my head but at least it keeps it simple with regard to knowing to avoid.

I think the main issue is that some find anything outside of the relationship “norm” shameful, and others don’t. The ENM conversation is just a symptom of that.

There was a comment earlier about avoiding those who say vanilla isn’t their favourite ice cream. For some people, vanilla ice cream and margarita pizza isn’t the one. And that’s okay too .

It’s alright to not want an ENM relationship, to want the vanilla ice cream, to do whatever you please. But there’s no reason to shame people who differ - just don’t get involved in it.

Margarita pizza? Now I've not come across that as a sexual term before.

I did try googling but nothing?

What horror am I missing!??

Yes I too avoid any comments about vanilla, there are special sites for that so I always assume they can't match there either!!

As if I'm gonna let some random man off the internet be intimate with me like that!!!

I used to use 'sapiosexual' in my profile when I was OLD. Once I got a badly spelled message from someone saying they didn't know what sapiosexual meant but I was 'well fit'!

Sorry for the confusion!

Margarita pizza is the same as vanilla ice cream - plain, in its original format, nothing added etc. Another common one is someone’s favourite colour being beige.

They all imply an interest/preference for vanilla sex/relationships.

Nothing wrong with preferring vanilla or not vanilla, but there’s honestly no reason to be horrified about either.

”there would simply be no need for you to break up”- this is where the naivety shows. Your husband is constantly partnering up with others, and sex creates ties spiritually and biologically. You’ve convinced yourself that it’s “just sex” and that he’s always coming home to you- but that is extremely naive, as you assume that he wouldn’t care for any of those hook ups more than he cares for you. If someone who is in a relationships develops sexual or romantic feelings for someone else, there’s generally something in the primary relationship that needs working through, these feelings generally fizzle out if not acted upon, and if the care is then ploughed into the primary relationship. Your guy IS acting on it, and therefore bonds are being created and it’s highly unlikely the two of you will grow old together, as he will likely meet someone he considers a better bet at some point.

I never understood these fancy terms as that’s all they are

why enter a relationship if all you want is someone else never the actual partner you live with have maybe married have or having kids with. Yes at the end of the day they are there but are they really.

Millenial? More like generation below us! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm still into old fading dating. I would hate to be single now. I've been with someone 18 years!

While ENM doesn't always lead to affairs and cheating, it can do.

I agreed to open a relationship early on, lots of reasons, I didn't want to have sex outside of the relationship, nor was I interested in swinging either but accepted there were reasons why he did. It was discussed ad infinitum and agreements made. We were both confident, easy going people, who accepted that you can't control people, or so we thought.

Didn't make it past the month trial period before the jealousy started, his not mine. I had not been unfaithful in any way but he couldn't accept that he had several partners to explore with and I hadn't. It drove him to distraction, his grief was palpable and yet nothing had happened between me and any male passing within 10ft of me but the accusations were very real.

All ended up being very cruel, unaccepting, and controlling, and after he came home with yet another declaration of having found love with another woman, and he'd broken all the rules he'd set in place once again, I took him at his word and set him free to love as he pleased.

Absolutely not what he wanted at all and he was furious for years with me for allowing it to happen. 🙄 Had I realised the emotional damage it would do to us both, I'd have kissed him goodbye the moment the idea was mentioned and lived with the mild regret of not being kool enough. I definitely wouldn't do it again

So admittedly I'm biased, but there is nothing evolved about it, it is just a situation like any other that a couple agrees to. If it works for a relationship then that's fabulous but I wouldn't guarantee it will always work as a way to prevent cheating. It really doesn't and it brings to the surface emotions we don't always realise we have until it happens.

I don't care that people are using it as the old No Strings phrase, I'd just thank them for allowing to to avoid that shit show.

@womanwithissues what sites / apps would you recommend then?

Eharmony. Match. Elite. I'm sure there are loads more! Ones where you a) pay and b) answer a lot of questions so that the algorithm can find you someone. Friends have used these and been successful.

Depending on what you're into you can also try Fetlife