Domestic Violence - I’m a mess (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Needtojustendit]

I really hope this is allowed. I’m currently feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I haven’t eaten anything for over 48 hours. I feel like my guts have been wrenched out.

My now ex boyfriend attempted to suffocate me on Saturday night. As he was doing it he said ‘I want to fucking kill you’, ‘I really could fucking kill you right now’. At the point I thought he’d let go, he actually got his other hand and covered my nose and mouth instead. I thought I was going to die. Before this there was a two hour walk wondering the streets with him attacking me at various intervals. A few weeks ago he sexually assaulted me and knocked me to the ground when I attempted to call for help.

The absolute worst part is that this isn’t the most upsetting thing he’s done to me. The two and a half years of gaslighting, lies, more lies to cover up the first lot of lies and making me out to be crazy if I don’t just immediately drop whatever I’ve discovered is worse. I feel like a shell of a person.

I’m devastated and I don’t know how I’m going to get past this.

The police are investigating.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you it sounds so traumatic. Do you have somewhere safe to stay and any trusted friends/family to confide in?

You WILL get past this.

You haven't done anything wrong. This isn't your fault, no matter what you've been told.

My ex and children’s father is currently staying with me (we ended on good terms and are friends) and my immediate family know.

The thing that hurts the very most is not knowing the truth of the last two and a half years. It looks like everything he said to me was a lie. I don’t think I could unpick the lies with 30 fine tooth combs. I never knew him at all.

I am so sorry, but so glad you have someone there with you. None of it is any failing on your part; the past few years are not lies- he literally cannot be trusted- how could you have known. Time to try and look forward not back.

The important thing is he's your ex and you are away from him.

Thank god you are ok it could of ended very differently, please going forward have no contact with him look after yourself and your kids x

Do you have an IDVA?

I am so sorry to read this - it is a horrific experience. You have done more than you may have realised - you are away from him, police are involved, your closest family know what is going on. It can take a long time for someone subjected to the experiences you have been through to get to this point. It may not be easy, but it will get better. You are safe now.

That’s good ur not alone and have support. Glad he after sat night he is an ex. Stay strong

You sound very brave. I hope you're ok and glad you have some support. I think baby steps are good to sort out a bit of a plan to help you move ahead so you don't put too much pressure on yourself. But please stay away from him and try not to relent and let him back in. Lean on those around you for support and a big hug from me x

Thank you for your kind words. Today has been horrendous. I took the kids to the pantomime and for dinner and now I’m finishing some wrapping. All I can think is everyone else is so happy and festive and I feel like I’m going to break at any moment.

I’m scared. I know the police seized his phone and they will be doing phone downloads but he’s been released on bail. Will they have given his phone back to him when he was released? I suspect at the moment he’s probably hoping that I’ll miss him and drop the charges. I’m worried about what happens when it dawns on him that won’t be happening. He’s scariest and at his most unpredictable when he’s losing control.

I have been contacted by an IDVA and will be receiving their support in the new year.

I have noticed that he hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp. The less scary scenario is that he wasn’t given his phone back when he was released. The scarier scenario is that he may contact me. I don’t want to block him because I know if he does contact me it’s in breach of his bail conditions and it makes the case stronger. I’m living in fear of my phone though. Every time it goes I’m petrified I’m going to see his name.

Are you still with anyone? Can you mute / hide his texts so you know you won't have to read them if they come but you can keep them as evidence if you need them? If you can, make yourself a hot drink and distract yourself with the TV. Can you tell yourself that he's not getting into your head for next 48 hours and you'll deal with feelings then? Easier said than done but you're so brave you should be kind to yourself if you can x.

My ex is still here and will be for all of Christmas.

He booked and convinced me to get a matching tattoo with him two weeks ago. It’s still healing. It’s a permanent and constant reminder of betrayal. I have the same tattoo as the man who tried to murder me and his reasons for trying to murder me were ‘I love you so much. When you don’t listen to me (my lies) it frustrates me and I get mad and do these things.’

Sorry, I know I’m ranting now.

Do you know the most ridiculous, worst thought that’s going through my head? How badly I miss him! I’d give anything for him to be able to fix it. For him to be able to somehow put it right. It feels like my hearts been ripped out.
But I know he can’t. I know there’s nothing in the world that could ever fix what he’s done. That if it was smoothed over it would happen again and I’d forever kick myself for not staying strong now. That he could never explain away the gaslighting, the lies, the cheating, the minimising the cheating, the abuse, the assault. He knew I would have given him everything in the world and he took advantage of that.

By a cruel twist of fate, sometimes you only see a BF for what they were once you are on the other side, and they are an ex. You'll probably get loads of instances that keep flooding back to you of things you ignored, and wonder how you did nothing about it, or missed what now seem clear. Unfortunately, the more instances of abuse there are, the more you'll tend to re-live it in your mind. Spend to long dwelling on it all and you could spiral down. Might be good for you to talk to a therapist. Get it out and relive it during sessions, but then in between live your own life, and don't dwell, live in the now. There's nothing you could of done to change him, men can't change themselves. You've done the only thing you can do, which is get out and keep away.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. Don't worry about the tattoo. Take pictures of it then get it covered with something beautiful once it has healed.

He won't get his phone back until the charging decision has been made and then not until after any trial. But he can get another phone.

Please contact Women's Aid for support.

Don't worry about not eating at the moment. Your body is in shock and reacts by shutting down the digestive system. This is so you can run away and not have to stop to eat, pee or poo. It will settle. Try and eat a little bit but don't be worried if you can only have a few bites.

Look up grounding therapy to help you stay focused on the present. You will get through this.

Keep posting on here to help maintain your determination x

When it's healed you can get it changed/tattooed over or removed so please don't worry about it being a constant reminder of him. Also at a future point when he's roting in jail (where he belongs) you may come to see it as proof of how far you've come and how strong you are.
You may not feel very strong right now but you are, you've done the hardest part you've seen through his lies and abuse, you've found the courage to report him to the police and kicked him to the kirb.
If the police have ceased his phone they won't have given it back to him when he was bailed infact he'll be lucky if he gets it back before next Christmas even if there's no evidence on it if there is he wouldn't get it back until after a trial

The tattoo is on my palm. It’s on his too. I truly believe he chose not only the most visible place but also the most painful on purpose. It’s not going to be easy to cover or remove and it’s killing me every time I look at it.

I feel a bit better for knowing he won’t have a phone. He also has no money, no job and not many people around him who would help facilitate getting a new one. I’m not dull enough to think he won’t make getting one a priority but I think I’ve got a few more days before I need to worry about it.

Ive woken up this morning and realised that there are things I should have included in my statement. I feel completely ashamed as these things are of a sexual nature and I feel like I let them happen. I did include some sexual past incidences that the police classed as rape and he’s been charged with that.
What happened Sunday morning felt worse though and I knew I should have told them during the statement but I just couldn’t.

I didn’t go to the police. I wanted to and I was going to the minute I got away from him but he wouldn’t leave. He just desperately wanted forgiveness. He eventually told me he would kill himself to prove he loved me and started standing in the middle of a motorway type road, walking in front of the cars. By chance a police car happened to drive past and pulled over. They were going to arrest him for what he was doing in the road anyway. He ran over and begged me not to tell them. I flagged one of the officers down and told them. That was the hardest part. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to. He was being handcuffed a few meters away and when the officer dealing with him turned away for a moment he mouthed at me ‘have you told them?’. I just nodded and the look on his face will haunt me forever. He looked completely crestfallen. A weird mix of devastated, betrayed and like it dawned on him he knew it was all over.

There comes a point you realise you can never go back. What has happened to you is horrible but I am pleased you can see this person now needs to be in the past. You will look back on this moment in years to come and realise you had a lucky escape. If you have family and friends you can confide in I would surround yourself with them. My ex went from "You'll come back, you always do" to hundreds of begging texts eventually, over a matter of weeks and months. I think there is a point where the mask slips and you see them for the absolute asshole they really are and from then on, they make your skin crawl. I hope you have people around you for support - tell them the truth - don't cover for him.

You're so brave. I'm glad you have someone with you. I hope he gets what he deserves. Nobody should have to go through what you've been through and no doubt it will be tough for a while but thank goodness you are alive and away from him and you will be able to regain your life back. I second calling women's aid. Joining the freedom programme. Life will get better. You've taken the first steps. I'm so glad you are still with us and hope you manage to have as nice a Christmas as possible with your kids.

Thank you for being so brave and deciding to tell the police when they stopped. None of this is your fault and you have 100% done the right thing. This man is dangerous and I do hope the police charge him! When it comes to missing him and wishing he would change etc this is understandable, but every time you feel like this just think how you were seconds away from death and he would have took your kids mum away from them! I'm so glad you have someone staying with you I would try and not be left alone if possible as you never know he could escalate now he's nothing to lose. If you mute his WhatsApp notifications and archive the messages you will still get them for evidence but they aren't glaringly obvious and your phone won't ping. As for the tattoo what about wrapping a bandage around your hand just now so you don't have to look at it? I've heard woman's aid is very good maybe contact them too for some support. Lots of love op xx

I don’t feel brave. I’m terrified they won’t charge him. I’m counting on the fact that there was a two hour period of us walking the street in the city centre. In this time if the cctv has picked it up they will see him throwing me into the road, hitting me across the head multiple times (honestly I’d say it was more than 10, less than 15), bending my arm and fingers back, grabbing me by my hair and screaming in my face, biting me, proposing??!!, pickpocketing my phone so I can’t get help and then pretending I’d lost it until I sounded the alert from my watch and it alerted in his pants, putting my phone on the floor and trying to stamp on it, getting up on a intersection type bridge and saying he will jump, then getting down and kneeling to the floor pretending to have a heart attack.

The police officer seemed confident that this area was covered by cctv. If they manage to find the cctv would this be enough to go to court? I can’t stand the thought of him getting away with this. The officer searched his name on the database and told me within two seconds that this was a very nasty man. He’s put in a Claire’s law request for me. I truly believe he will kills someone one day.

You know you can always go back and say to the police that there is more but you were still processing it before and not ready to talk about it. They can take another seperate statement regarding the seperate incident you didn't mention. Police understand that victims sometimes need time to be brave enough to talk about everything. There's no shame in it that you were not ready before.

So long as you're adding stuff as opposed to changing stuff it should be fine. Chances are they'd let you change things too as it's early days but get their guidance on that.

Good on you for getting away.
Tattoos can be changed.
Speak to some tattoo artists, send them a photo if the tat and get them to think on some ideas and get back to you. I once saw a scull changed into a Robin bird of all things.

Things are still raw at the moment but in time let that tattoo be a reminder of how you will never let someone treat you like that again.