Domestic Violence - I’m a mess (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Needtojustendit]

I really hope this is allowed. I’m currently feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I haven’t eaten anything for over 48 hours. I feel like my guts have been wrenched out.

My now ex boyfriend attempted to suffocate me on Saturday night. As he was doing it he said ‘I want to fucking kill you’, ‘I really could fucking kill you right now’. At the point I thought he’d let go, he actually got his other hand and covered my nose and mouth instead. I thought I was going to die. Before this there was a two hour walk wondering the streets with him attacking me at various intervals. A few weeks ago he sexually assaulted me and knocked me to the ground when I attempted to call for help.

The absolute worst part is that this isn’t the most upsetting thing he’s done to me. The two and a half years of gaslighting, lies, more lies to cover up the first lot of lies and making me out to be crazy if I don’t just immediately drop whatever I’ve discovered is worse. I feel like a shell of a person.

I’m devastated and I don’t know how I’m going to get past this.

The police are investigating.

You say he needs help. That's not your problem. Get yourself to fuck away from him and lead your own life. End of.

Please OP!
Contact Women’s Aid, you'll be classified as high risk, which you absolutely are, and will be referred to the relevant agencies for help. This creature (can't call him a man) is more than capable of murdering you, I know it's hard to comprehend but all the signs are there, please take it seriously, get help, get better and take care of yourself. You don't deserve this, nobody does!

Definitely contact women’s aid. I hope you are safe. Block and delete him your phone?
Can you get some therapy so you never go back?
Him needing help is neither here nor there.
You need help to never go back.

Get out get out please please get out.
Call woman's aid asap.

Considering he tried to suffocate you, I am not sure what going back to him did other than opened you up to further hideous abuse. You already knew he was being a lunatic.
I do have empathy, but this is a dangerous man and you have let him back in.
How do your loved ones feel about you getting back with him? They must have been distressed.
I hope you continue to work with the police.
But most importantly, move away from this obsession of trying to find out who he is and why he behaves how he does.
You need to work on rebuilding your own life in safety,
Most of your post was about him - his mad he is, what he’s done, how he’s lied.
Even since Christmas it seems you have lost yourself in this man and been consumed by him.
You have already had good advice on here so please follow it. You have people who care about you. Lean on them.
If you stay near this man he will kill you. It’s that serious. Don’t be a name of that awful list of women’s names read out in Parliament who have been murdered.
You deserve more in life than to be abused but you really need to wake up now. This can’t go on.

Just read your updates on everything that happened since you went back to him OP.

I really think that for a while it might be best for your child to stay with their father.

This man is capable of anything and because he will be angry at the latest turn of events and police involvement, this is a dangerous time for you.

You need to get some support from women's aid so you can be as safe as possible.

But your child is at risk too and so I think them staying with their father for now would be for the best. Are you still on good terms with him even though you went back after Christmas to the abuser?

Please get some professional help from experts.

He will no doubt end up on the news one day. And not for anything positive. Seek all the victim support help you can get, and take all safety precautions that you can ie ring doorbell, tell people what you’re going through, have safety words with family, record your telephone number with police so they know the urgency it you ever need to call etc. Don’t ever ever fall in to the trap of thinking he needs help and you’re the one to help in, or take pity on him or anything like that. He sound nothing less than psychopathic.

He was remanded to court this morning and is now on court issued bail and charged with four counts of assault. This is separate from the original instances that are still being investigated.

The police officers said he’s going to court for it but they are unsure whether I need to be there or not. I’m confused by this… wouldn’t I need to give evidence?

I’m so sorry for you: I haven’t read all the messages because I’m wondering if I’m experiencing something similar and didn’t want to cloud my advice/judgement either way;
tonight hubby was physically and mentally abusive

not first time

he scared me and hurt me in both ways

if I telll any authority figure do they have duty of care to report to police? (UK)

im so sorry for what you’ve had to suffer x

@CalmTheFireAndWarmTheIce

as someone who went through this and has come out the other side. If you tell a doctor/go to a+e they will record on your notes. They have duty of care to. I know it’s scary. But if you have children you have to think of them first. Police and social can get involved as even if the abusive parent is not abusive to them, they still class children in an abusive household as victims of abuse. The last thing I wanted was my children being taken off me. So I made the decision to call refuge. You can find there number on their website. It’s scary but honestly the police and social will see you as safeguarding your children and will be great and super supportive. They will find you a place, and the refuge staff will help you with everything and give you lots of support. There’s lots of help financially they give you and they help you in moving on and finding a safe home. I’ve come out the other side. Me and my children now have our own lovely home. My children are thriving. I’m feeling happy again, and our future is now bright. You do not have to live with abuse. It is NEVER ok. I know now you may feel like you can’t or it’s scary, but trust me you can do this! You will come out the other side and find happiness again, and trust me when I say living a life without fear of emotional or physical abuse is the best feeling in the world. The journey is a recovery one, but you will get lots of support. No matter how hard it is, because the emotions you will go through will be confusing and grieve, and you will question your decision many times. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. And a beautiful happy life ahead of you and your children. I’ve done it, so I can tell you it will be the best decision you ever make. But make sure you keep strong, change your number! It’s free for victims of DV, just call your network and they will do this for you. No matter how hard it is, don’t make contact with him. Keep moving forward and in time you will live a great life. Good men don’t abuse. This took me a while to learn. But they’ll teach you all about the abuse cycle in refuge. You will eventually be free from this. Abuse only gets worse if you stay. Be strong! Message me if you need support from someone that’s been there and come out the other side. Good luck.

I’ve just convinced him to let me go to the bathroom. I’ve had my fingers twisted and pulled; and a punch to the face that is already starting to bruise. He’s already being lovely and normal but I’m so angry/ physically and emotionally hurt and I just want to sleep. We don’t have kids otherwise trust me I’d be out of here. But I have no family/friend support either…0

@CalmTheFireAndWarmTheIce thats great that you don’t have kids. You can be free from this! You don’t deserve abuse. There are lovely men that are out there and he is not one of them. It’s the cycle of abuse and then him being loving that keeps you there. Please be brave. Ring refuge. They help women in all situations. You don’t need to have children. They will help you rebuild your life and start a happy one. Still change your number and do not contact him, no matter how hard it gets, or how much you miss him. You absolutely can do this. Things will only get worse if you stay. Secretly pack a little bag of essentials and a few clothes, and take that with you. You will get funding so that you can buy more stuff once you’re there. There is honestly so much help out there for DV victims. I know it’s hard with no support. I didn’t have any either. But the staff will be your support. You will make friends with other survivors. No matter how hard it seems to leave, be brave, staying will always be worse xx

Thank you. He’s just all I’ve known, well actually I think half the problem is that he’s not– I’ve always been honest about my past (I was a bit wild) but I told him to make sure he got a true reflection of my past and wasn’t surprised by anything.
im not ashamed, but today I’m covered in bruises, I have 2 black eyes, and he’s acted like I deserve it?
I have complex medical issues and he’s normally my carer… I honestly and literally have nobody else…
I feel like suffering the pain and fear… are they worth it? I don’t have anyone else. No siblings. Friends have dropped off along the way… I don’t have relationships with my parents…
I feel so alone. And scared. And ashamed.
thank you for your kindness x

While I have never been through the same, I also have complex health needs and my partner is my carer. I sometimes dread what it would be like if he wasn’t here, so I get that you feel you need him.
But you cannot continue like this or he will kill you.
Ring Women’s Aid. They are brilliant. They are the best people to give you advice.
He is disgusting. Abusing an already disabled woman is the lowest of the low.
At least give them a call.
One of my friends in a similar situation to you did. Through a package of care she has recently been moved to a lovely flat with gardens in a complex where there is support. She has carers who come in.
She has also made new friends where she lives, and she’s gone from being a shell of a person to putting on weight, she’s sleeping and eating.
She was suicidal when she rang WA. But to see the change in her life has been amazing. She got to the point where she felt he would kill her, or she would take herself away from the world. She made the decision to live.
I hope you find the courage to do the same.

Thank you all (and yourself) for your messages… last year was particularly tough with me health wise, and I kind of gave him a “pass” thinking he’d just make it through and be the the man I’ve always known and loved…. I thought the same from my immediate family too.
whilst I appreciate it was difficult for everyone, I was (and am) the patient.
I honestly don’t expect much. Just to feel safe and for some compassion. I can’t even make myself a sandwich.
all I keep being asked about is babies (when I will have one) and I had imagined I would by now, but with health and relationship issues it’s obviously not a good idea…
im seeing my GP next week and with all the bruises, do I tell the truth? Or do I cover for him again? He’s very well liked/ loved by my family and like I say I have nobody x

You have family and they like him but you wouldn't get any help or support from them in getting away from your abuser?

I don't understand. You talk of your family but say you have nobody?

I totally empathise as I’ve been there. But if you stay he will either kill you or you’ll spend the rest of your life in this misery with it only getting worse. Like the @PeggyMitchellsCameo said, ring women’s aid or like I said ring refuge. They are similar organisations. They will help you and they will support you with all your needs, even if you need a carer. Absolutely don’t cover for him. Tell someone. Ultimately it is your choice. But no one deserves to be abused, so you need to leave. Otherwise you are choosing a terrible life and potentially fatal consequences. Watch murdered by my boyfriend on bbc iplayer. I watched it before I left. And it realllly opened my eyes and gave me a push to finally go.

I'm so sorry to read your update.

Be kind to yourself

Where are you living? What support do you have?

Because it would break my family’s heart and they’re elderly. I don’t have their support. He does. X

@CalmTheFireAndWarmTheIce

It would break your family's hearts even if you told them he physically assaults you and leaves you with bruises? They only love him because they don't know he abuses you

Yes. It might sound odd but they love him. I’m considered cold because I don’t often cry in public, I- I do it in private. I try and react with emotiotions in the same manner. He doesn’t.

I wish I could give you a big hug @CalmTheFireAndWarmTheIce

If they would really want you to stay with a man who assaults you, they aren't a good family.

I really hope you can get free of him. We get one all too brief life on this earth. He doesn't deserve to share yours.

Are there children involved at all?

Do you have an update
Yeah very simular here but never physical violence but everything the same and scaring me smashing things he had adhd and i always blamed that meds dod help but showed me he had a cocaine addiction. Turned out he was using coke to stop being nasty was only time he was nice. We split in jan and yep kept going bk. I dropped his car key of yesterday and caught him out on a lie dont know why he keeps lying we arent together. Remember hate is an emotion. Journal your thoughts it helps. Use chat gpt. No contact and start doing things you enjoy take uo tennis

Hope u ok now

Hey, I’ve just realised there’s been new messages on this.

@Fluffypotatoe123987 I really hope you’re ok. I understand completely what it’s like to keep going back hoping for change, praying that it’s not another lie and this time it will be different. Similarly the last time I went back… just before ending it for good, I also discovered a cocaine addiction. Then he got nasty and tried to make out that I had taken some and therefore liable for it! I’ve never touched cocaine in my life!

The first few weeks after the break up mentally broke me. It was only through finding friendship with the woman he cheated on me with that got me through it. I think really the only thing that got us both through it. I now have two police investigations in process and have a date for the first trial.

It does get better though. I started a course for domestic abuse victims which has helped massively. I also met a new partner who has been nothing but kind and supportive. This came as a massive shock as I had started to believe such men didn’t exist. I am now far happier than I was when I was with my arsehole ex but I can’t pretend it doesn’t scar you. I still get days where I’ll remember something he’s done and feel horrified that I ever thought that was normal. Even more horrified that I stayed for as long as I did.

I truly hope you’re ok and please just know that you will get through this. Even if it doesn’t feel like you will just now.