Domestic Violence - I’m a mess (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Needtojustendit]

I really hope this is allowed. I’m currently feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I haven’t eaten anything for over 48 hours. I feel like my guts have been wrenched out.

My now ex boyfriend attempted to suffocate me on Saturday night. As he was doing it he said ‘I want to fucking kill you’, ‘I really could fucking kill you right now’. At the point I thought he’d let go, he actually got his other hand and covered my nose and mouth instead. I thought I was going to die. Before this there was a two hour walk wondering the streets with him attacking me at various intervals. A few weeks ago he sexually assaulted me and knocked me to the ground when I attempted to call for help.

The absolute worst part is that this isn’t the most upsetting thing he’s done to me. The two and a half years of gaslighting, lies, more lies to cover up the first lot of lies and making me out to be crazy if I don’t just immediately drop whatever I’ve discovered is worse. I feel like a shell of a person.

I’m devastated and I don’t know how I’m going to get past this.

The police are investigating.

So glad you are away from this evil man after 2 and a half years of absolute hell. The more evidence you have the better and hopefully the other woman will come forward too.
Let your family look after you for a bit and hopefully he will eventually be locked up.

What did he say his job was that had him walking around with a recording device? Did you ever see the device and did he ever actually record you? I had an ex who would record me in an argument and play it back to me after he initiated an argument. Just bizarre.
Stay safe OP you will get through this .

His job is one of the big question marks for me. It seems so completely unfeasible and unbelievable yet he did know things that I don’t see how he could have known otherwise.

For instance the Gavin and Stacy Christmas episode. He told me months ago what was going to happen and I was certain Christmas Day would come around and it would be lies…. But no, he was right on everything he said. He’s told me who wins Bake Off next year as well so we shall see.

Is it possible he is a coke user? It's rife in TV, and might explain a few things. I do not mean to imply that it's any kind of excuse, by the way.

In your position I would save up for laser tattoo removal. Shame lasers don't work on men, too...

Not to be too graphic but he had severe issues with getting an erection which did make me wonder if there was potential drug addiction. Also he never had any money. The last three months I’ve had constant texts of gambling companies that I suspect he’s signed up to using my number. He denied it of course.

@Needtojustendit

It is a myth that complainants can "drop charges". That is down to Police/CPS.

They may well decide - based on other evidence - that they can proceed "without you". There is a particular name for that but it's gone from my mind!

Right now I don’t see how I’m going to get through this. I don’t know when to expect to hear any updates. How long does cctv footage take to gather? I think I’d relax a little bit if I knew they had manage to find some evidence.

And I know this shouldn’t be on my mind but I’d give anything to know how he’s feeling right now. Is he happily enjoying his Christmas? Has he given any of it a second thought? Does he feel shame? Guilt? Remorse? Does he wish he hadn’t played idiot in the middle of the road? And what would have happened if he didn’t do that… I suspect I would have been stuck at that lake with him all day. Him back peddling and trying to ‘fix’ it. Eventually the other woman would have replied and told me the truth and then what? More violence as he realised he couldn’t lie out of this one? He kept telling me he wanted to get married on March 20th and what registry office we would be getting married in. What was going to happen shortly after that date that he wanted to be married for it? What trap was he trying to get me to walk into?

Police investigations and subsequent prosecutions can take months I'm afraid. Not an easy thing to do but I can't help thinking that the less energy you expend thinking about him and the more of that energy you put into your own life the happier you will be. He's just a common or garden abuser, nothing special out him at all and not worth even trying to understand.

And the worst part! When we were walking around that lake I told him I wanted to go to the police station and I wanted him to tell them what he’d done. He said ‘ok if that’s what you want but it’s going to destroy my life’. His life? Not a single thought as to how I felt about it. Just that I’d be ruining his life.

It's always about the man's future and the woman's past. But this man has form.

I know it's hard but this will take months and you will have to find a way to live with uncertainty. For now he has gone. He will be terrified that he will have to go to trial and then prison. He will lie and say it wasn't him but the CCTV will be gathered and will show it's him.

If it's any consolation, lots of TV jobs are at risk and it's a very precarious life. If you want to find out if he really worked on those shows, watch the credits for his name. You may have to keep pausing as they go so fast.

Also if his name is in the credits, contact the production company and tell them he has assaulted you. TV companies are really hot in not employing people who are a danger to women.

You will never understand him or his motivations because you are not dealing with a normal human being here. You are kind, and empathic, and warm and loving. It’s completely normal that you would try and understand and analyse what happened, but you will never comprehend it because he is wired completely differently to you. There is something very wrong with him. Him, not you.

I am as certain as I can be that this man would have eventually killed you. Telling the police and getting away from him was incredibly brave and I have no doubt that decision saved your life.

Please take it one day at a time, it’s going to be a horrible road to travel but you will get there, you will be ok I promise.

Take all the support offered to you, lean on those who love you and post here whenever you need to. We’ll be here x

I've just read this thread.

Worst description of abuse I've ever read on here.

I know you don't feel it right now but you are so incredibly brave and you should be so so so unbelievably proud of yourself for telling the police everything.

It might feel as though he's taken everything from you right now, but you have WON. You got out. With your life.

As a psychotherapist I am nearly 100% certain we will go on to kill another woman. I am not surprised at all to read he also had impotence issues. Whole guy reeks of a criminal minds episode.

Your life restarted the day it all ended. The same much change sides as Gisele Pelicot said.

If he was the kind of man who would take into consideration how you feel and encourage you to report his behaviour to the police...then he never would have acted like this in the first place

Evidence led prosecution. There needs to be strong evidence like cctv, medical records, witnesses etc. Sometimes even then it doesn't help- as a professional, one of my colleagues was there when a man punched his partner in the face but because the woman denied it happened, the CPS didn't charge

I have just weighed myself and I’ve lost 7 pounds since Saturday. I didn’t realise that was physically possible.

I lost 3 and a half stone this year because I worried that the impotence issues were because he just didn’t find me attractive. He’d say that wasn’t the case but then his actions spoke differently. A few weeks back I discovered he was hiding that he had Peyronie’s disease. He knew I was losing weight because I was scared the sex issues were because of my size and he never said a thing.

When I spoke to him on Sunday I asked why he even wanted to be with me. Why hadn’t he just left me and spared me all of this. His answer… ‘because I find you insanely hot’. I asked him if there was any other reason and he said obviously personality but 60% of it was because he found me attractive and couldn’t wait to have sex with me after he’d got his Peyronie’s sorted. He also told me he was ‘obsessed’ and had an ‘obsession’ with me. That scared me. He told me the reason why he had got so violent was because he was desperate to have sex with me and because he can’t as he doesn’t work down there it was the frustration coming out.

So his reasons for the violence are frustration that I wouldn’t believe that he loved me and he was horny and it doesn’t work. I can’t believe this has actually happened.

His reasons for his violence are made up to make you responsible and him not. That way he can feel ok about himself.
His reasons will probably vary over time... Because they are made up.

I know it's difficult but I would try not to give his motivations any headspace, you'll never get any truth out of him and it will drive you mad.
It's more useful for you to look at where you are at the moment and process your experience.

OP, This man is dangerous as the police told you. This was never about you it was all about him and his excuses of why he was a violent thug. He did this to other women too.
The WORST thing in this relationship was the fact he nearly killed you. And I believe he would have succeeded had you not done the BEST thing by reporting - saving yourself and others.

Yeah he's going to kill someone.

Sexually motivated murder. Impotent fuck.

his reasons for violence are because he is a violent man. If he was not abusing you - it would be someone else. And he will justify his behaviour by blaming them. The fault lies with him.

Please speak to Women's Aid and do the Freedom Programme too.

It's possible to lose a lot of weight very quickly because your body is in instinctive flight or fight mode. It stops you eating so that all your energy goes to running and fighting, not digestion, because that will slow you down.

As for the violence being related to him being attracted to you, that's a decades-old plot line from EastEnders when Little Mo's husband raped her because he "fancied her".

It is excuses to exercise power over you and to keep you staying with him so he can control you.

It takes a long time to take control of someone. He had to be the nice guy love-bombing, gradually undermining, isolating from friends and family so eventually you'll only rely on him. Once he's got someone he doesn't want to have to put in the time to control anyone else.

So he will lie, cheat, pretend to be sorry, beg forgiveness, promise it will never happen again, promise the world, beg you to drop the charges, say he didn't mean it, that it wasn't that bad etc.

This is where you have to hold onto your sense of self and your worth. You are a special person exactly as you are. I know you might not believe that, but try and remember a time when you thought that. Think of all the people who believe in you. That's a lot of anonymous women on MN. Come back here for support and validation.

And you're thinking about him because he trained you to put him first. He is living in your head rent-free and he needs to be kicked out of there as much as out of your house and your life.

You are amazing and strong and you can do this.

A few years ago a young girl who lived just two streets away from me was murdered by her abusive boyfriend. It eventually emerged that he had previously tried to kill his ex girlfriend who had been too terrified to tell the police (completely understandably).
By telling the police what your ex has done you have not just saved your own life, but quite probably another woman's.
You are an incredible, brave and courageous woman, you may feel broken now but you are a survivor and you WILL get through this.
I don't know you, but I am so incredibly proud of you, and in complete awe at your bravery and strength.

The police called yesterday. It was a little odd, they asked me repeatedly if I’d heard from him or seen him. I did explain to them that I suspect he’s using my old phone and the number on the sim and they were pretty keen to take the number. They also asked me if I could see an email address attached to the number. She seemed a bit disappointed (I’m not sure that’s the right word) that she couldn’t find an email address.

Something about it seemed a bit off. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. I’ve got a horrible feeling he may have done a runner of some variety. I know when things got very bad with his ex he took off, left his phone and disappeared for a while. I wouldn’t put it past him to do it again.

@Needtojustendit are you safe? Can you go and stay somewhere else?
Please look after yourself

Maybe he's been harassing someone by email so they wanted to confirm it was him.

He can't run forever.

I think I'd be inclined to move elsewhere ASAP.
At least till he's brought in.

Otherwise, make sure the locks are changed if he ever had a key. And maybe consider a camera doorbell.