Domestic Violence - I’m a mess (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Needtojustendit]

I really hope this is allowed. I’m currently feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I haven’t eaten anything for over 48 hours. I feel like my guts have been wrenched out.

My now ex boyfriend attempted to suffocate me on Saturday night. As he was doing it he said ‘I want to fucking kill you’, ‘I really could fucking kill you right now’. At the point I thought he’d let go, he actually got his other hand and covered my nose and mouth instead. I thought I was going to die. Before this there was a two hour walk wondering the streets with him attacking me at various intervals. A few weeks ago he sexually assaulted me and knocked me to the ground when I attempted to call for help.

The absolute worst part is that this isn’t the most upsetting thing he’s done to me. The two and a half years of gaslighting, lies, more lies to cover up the first lot of lies and making me out to be crazy if I don’t just immediately drop whatever I’ve discovered is worse. I feel like a shell of a person.

I’m devastated and I don’t know how I’m going to get past this.

The police are investigating.

@Needtojustendit do you have a way of verifying it is actually the police calling when they contact you?

Was his name even his real name? Maybe he has buggared off and changed it again? You need some therapy ASAP. My dd got some free online from therapists qualified but who needed 'trial' patients... CBT initially.. Maybe email a few tattoo removal places... They may reduce their charges or offer up a payment plan of you briefly explain. Gain support irl. Not just on here. Rooting for you op. Stay strong.

Oh my goodness, this is terrible to read, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please accept any help available, and don't let him get into your head and say he'll change. He will not. You WILL get through this.

Funny you should mention if his name is real… he changed it at 16. He was named after a relative who committed a pretty nasty crime (verified, there were news articles about it) so really I’m not sure.

His age and date of birth were the ones I had doubts about. He seemed to never age! Every birthday he was turning 32. He eventually told me he was 35 but everyone always pointed out to me he was quite a ‘old’ looking 35.

I don’t think he will come here. Something in my gut says he isn’t stupid enough to. I’m not sure if he will eventually try to call. That’s bothering me a lot. I feel like I’m on edge, constantly waiting for it.

Op this man is an absolute psychopath. I am serious.
He reminds me so much of the guy in the Netflix real story 'until I kill you.' (If you watch that don't be scared of how shit the courts are as I think they've improved since the 90s). And also have you seen 'killed by my boyfriend' on iPlayer.
Keep using all the support you can to process your feelings. Call women's aid or the Samaritans if it's just to vent. You need proper counselling set up have you got this coming?
Stay safe. Don't bank on him not showing up - get cctv or ring door bell and make a plan to move if possible.

Don't try and get in his head 'how can he do this' as he is a psychopath he doesn't think and feel normally.
You ARE very brave op. Well done for contacting the police that must have been so scary.

Just wanted to say how much I admire you for the action you've taken. Men like this are the scum of the earth. It will be a hard and possibly long road ahead, but you are doing the right - and very brave - thing. I'm sorry this happened to you. Remember, this is on him - not on you. Shame must change sides.

It just feels like it’s never going to get any better. I truly believe he’s disappeared. The other woman (I don’t like calling her that, she’s been great) hasn’t heard from him. I honestly thought the first thing he’d do is try and contact her. He seems to have set up a new (my) phone but he’s done nothing with it. He’s not set up WhatsApp or anything outside the basic. The police conversation was weird… I really got the feeling they called because he’s gone missing and she was trying to scope whether he was with me. Then when she realised he wasn’t wanted to know if I had any ideas on how to contact him.

I hate him. I hate the thought of him running. He lost his job two weeks ago, he is in extreme amounts of debt and currently has no money. I know this because I took the remainder of his overdraft on Saturday. He’d kept ordering £30 rounds of drinks knowing it was me footing the bill. I’ve been paying for him all year because he claimed he was skint but this was taking the piss even by his standards. So no job, no girlfriend, no friend who wasn’t interested romantically in him, no permanent address of his own, not a lot of family and very few friends. He’s been down a lot over his looks recently. He’s losing his hair and aged significantly in the last year. He’s impotent. There’s a little bit of me that almost feels sorry for him but a larger part of me that really hopes he’s suffering. I hope he’s broken right now. I hope he looks at that stupid tattoo and sees everything he has lost.

There might be a third other woman tbf that neither of you knew about.

But otherwise, if he really is skint, he won't be able to run for long. Maybe he isn't skint though. Bet he's had monet off lots of people.

I'd be looking into if there were any life insurance policies taken out in my name btw. Wouldn't be surprised considering the level of total psychopathic con artist he seems to be.

I wonder if he'll try leave the country. Thats what I'd do if I were him. Does he have a passport?

Honestly OP I really hope he's topped himself.

The world would be a better place without him in it.

I could really see a documentary being made out of this. Definitely tell the police about the lies about his job. You’ll soon find out if he was telling the truth.

I’m glad you told the police about the phone too as frankly, I would hope that they seize it from him. Seems utterly inappropriate for him to have a device linked to you, that may contain your personal information or means to contact you and your family/friends.

However I think you sound a bit tech illiterate. The reason why the police wanted to know the phone’s email address is to see if it is linked to an Apple account. They can track the phone and therefore his movements using Find My. They potentially could have done that if you gave the police consent. I think it’s quicker for them than tracing phone number locations.

Regardless of his whereabouts and just purely from your best interests though, if that old phone is linked to your Apple account in any way, he has access to a bunch of information about you. Your emails, notes, photos, call history, whereabouts on Find My etc. So definitely check if that device is still registered under your Apple account or not. If it is, mark it as lost asap and change your Apple password. This locks him out of your accounts but still
allows you to track the phone if needed. Alternatively you can erase the phone completely.

No real advice here, OP, because he's gone and because everything is happening as it should - i.e. the police are dealing with him. I'm glad your kids' dad is with you.

Don't feel sorry for him. He was violent towards you. What would you think of a man who was violent towards your mum? You would think there was no good side to him at all, and you'd be right. Why's it different for you?

Because you're a nice normal person, you're experiencing the effects of your attachment to him. But that will go away.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Cherish yourself a little.

Take the police seriously when they say he's a very nasty man.

Take the police seriously when they say he's a very nasty man.

Heck yes.

If Police are warning you of this, @Needtojustendit you need to be SAFE.

This man is a complete crazy.

Please take care. Get CCTV -not a ring doorbell as they can be 'Jammed'

Can't deny we're all thinking this.

Unfortunately they're rarely this good to us.
And sometimes they try to take others with them :/

Thats why it's wise maybe to move elsewhere for a bit. Incase his state of mind goes to 'I'm fucked anyway so might as well take people with me'.

Already rotten people can make sudden shifts to deadly when they feel cornered.

OP you need to tell the police everything you've shared here and not mentioned to them yet and you probably need to get this thread deleted as it could compromise the police case against him due to some of the details. You can start another thread for support.

You are incredibly brave. He sounds a very disturbed and dangerous person. You have absolutely done the right thing. I hope you get the support you need after what has been a terrifying experience.

It won't compromise the Police case. But it is very outing.
Screenshots of my MN thread (different username) were submitted as evidence to the CPS as part of my exs prosecution, proved I had been saying the same things about him over a long period rather than just making it up when I found out he was cheating (which was what he said I did).

I completely wiped the phone and logged out of all accounts including my Apple ID before I gave it to him. It was a blank slate. I’m not worried about him accessing my information. I just hate the thought that even now he’s benefiting off me in some way.

On the plus side I ate a sandwich yesterday. I’m taking that as progress! My sister spoke to her best friend who’s a tattooist about the tattoo and she thinks it will probably need to be lasered first which is less ideal. I’m also going to join the gym. That was the plan anyway but I think I need something to focus on more than ever now.

I really don’t know where he’d go. I saw his bank balance and it was far into the minuses so he won’t get far unless he’s borrowed money.

I don’t mind it being outing. I’ve spent two and a half years minimising his behaviour, making excuses to anyone who pointed out how wrong it was. I’m not doing that anymore. If anybody knows who I am from this or who he is at least they know the truth.

You are deeply traumatised and need CPTSD counselling.

It will take time but you will recover. No contact is required to do so.

I am so sorry he’s done this to you. My ex never laid a finger on me but psychologically he nearly destroyed me.

Gaslighting, DARVO, scapegoating, verbal abuse, stonewalling all led me into a thick fog of confusion where I believed it was all my fault and which only cleared when he was gone for good.

How long will it take to not care? I keep telling myself that there are no answers, no amount of replaying it over and over is going to unearth some detail that explains everything. I know the real answers are he did it because he could, because he thought he’d get away with it and because that’s who he is. He liked having a girlfriend to sponge off and he needed other women to want him to feed his ego. That’s the cheating anyway. I will never even begin to fathom the violence though. That’s so far out of my stratosphere my brain hasn’t even tried to justify it or process it. I wonder if that’s why I seem more focussed on the cheating, lies and deception. Almost like I think I’ll find answers for those things but I’ll never find answers for the violence.

Hi there,
We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
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Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

It's difficult to know as everyone is different in their recovery.

After a period of hurt, loss, sadness, betrayal feelings, stress etc... you might find anger then kicks in. It lasts the longest imo. And it doesn't tend to consume days like the prior stuff did...but can arise out of the blue from time to time and be really intense. Imo...it takes the longest to shift. Many years later it may crop up (eg: lying in bed one night) and you find yourself bloody raging again. And not just at him. At yourself, at the world...

Another long term struggle is, trusting yourself again. Especially if you start dating (Which I would advise holding off for a couple of years. But perhaps even longer due to the healing process being lengthened by the wait for the trial etc?). Make sure to spend lots of time, when you feel more recovered, learning how to spot red flags of abuse (and never stop learning). Knowledge, is key not only in having safer relationships in future but also, in recovering your self trust. The secondary part is finding peace whilst single so that you know if anyone threatens that peace, it'll be easy for you to walk away fast.

Guilt can be an issue. Even though you know you're not at fault. It can drive you mental that you didn't act to protect yourself sooner.

But reforming your trust in yourself, will help with this. And key to that imo is knowledge. But also, baring in mind that anyone can still be fooled. So when something stops feeling healthy, we have to leave. And be able to trust that we will.

No one is born with the knowledge to spot his sort. You learned and you left. And you can do so again if you ever need to.

For now though there'd probably a more varied range of emotions going on. And those feelings are perfectly valid. It's OK to have them. Just focus on taking care of your health. Make sure you are eating well again before joining the gym. Don't want to develop a disorder as a result of things! Be wary that we often look for things to rigidly control when we feel a loss of control. And that can do us more harm than good. Be kind to yourself. Do not punish yourself for what he did.

Exercise is good for stress release but take it easy too!

I am only speaking from my own experience and conversations ive had with domestic abuse workerd and my therapist. The violence stuff, for me, happened and then it was done. It was awful and so scary but it stopped when he was gone.
The psychological things for me are much much more significant and over a year later I'm still finding that hard but not hard like it was in the beginning. Different aspects of it will come up for me at different times, like over the last week I've been so distressed by one particular stalking thing he was doing and I don't know why that and why now

The cheating was a big one for me too- i always had so many questions I wished I could ask, like how could you treat me this way when you were sleeping with someone else anyway? Why did you tell me you loved me too much and that caused your behaviour if you were actually cheating the whole time? Why did you make my life a misery when you could have just left? Etc etc etc.

I left far too late though. There were a 1000 red flags that I ignored and any one of them should have been enough to walk away. The begging me to have a threesome early on in the relationship was a big one. He scoped out prostitutes but eventually found someone on tinder to be the third. I told him over and over that I didn’t want to do it and he tried to talk me around every time. Saying ‘we’ couldn’t let her down now. It didn’t end up happening thank Christ. That should have been the moment I left. What possessed me to stay I don’t know but that was the moment it should have ended.

Those are exactly the questions I want to ask about the cheating. I suspect for me it was that while he was trying his hardest to cheat, nobody was actually interested. He couldn’t get it up with all the will in the world and while I thought the sun shone out of his arse everyone else would tell me that he was unattractive.

I think he tried to contact me this morning. This whole year up until a few weeks ago he’s been contacting me from a withheld number as he ‘hasn’t had a phone’. A withheld number called for all of two seconds and then hung up before I had a chance to answer. The police said they wouldn’t be calling until next week now and all the support services told me it would also be next week. There is nobody else who would have done that but it’s exactly what I thought he’d do if he tried to contact me.

Also I just want to thank everyone for the support. It really means the world to me. I keep having these moments where it takes everything in me not to try and contact him. I’ve been rereading this thread a lot when those moments hit to stop me from doing it.

Please don’t contact him OP, you’ve been amazingly brave. You are safe. If you do get in contact it will be the most dangerous thing you could ever do Please stay strong and safe.