Domestic Violence - I’m a mess (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Needtojustendit]

I really hope this is allowed. I’m currently feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I haven’t eaten anything for over 48 hours. I feel like my guts have been wrenched out.

My now ex boyfriend attempted to suffocate me on Saturday night. As he was doing it he said ‘I want to fucking kill you’, ‘I really could fucking kill you right now’. At the point I thought he’d let go, he actually got his other hand and covered my nose and mouth instead. I thought I was going to die. Before this there was a two hour walk wondering the streets with him attacking me at various intervals. A few weeks ago he sexually assaulted me and knocked me to the ground when I attempted to call for help.

The absolute worst part is that this isn’t the most upsetting thing he’s done to me. The two and a half years of gaslighting, lies, more lies to cover up the first lot of lies and making me out to be crazy if I don’t just immediately drop whatever I’ve discovered is worse. I feel like a shell of a person.

I’m devastated and I don’t know how I’m going to get past this.

The police are investigating.

Research 'trauma bonding' to help you understand that inexplicable pull towards him.

And you've done brilliantly so far. I'm rooting for you!

blog.mindvalley.com/trauma-bond/

I nearly text him this morning. I wrote it out and was so close to sending it but then I deleted it and put the phone down. I don’t want him to have that power over me. I know him drop calling yesterday was looking for a reaction and that not getting a reaction will hurt him more than anything I can say.

Well done for resisting the temptation to text him. As you say, not getting a reaction will hurt more than anything.

If you do get in touch or he contacts you, he'll be pressuring you to withdraw your statement. Your evidence will put him away in prison so you'll be safer. Even if it takes years to get to that point.

Keep going xx

You could get in trouble for messing with the investigation if you contact him op.

I suggest you get a new phone and throw that one in a drawer somewhere so you are less tempted and so he can't contact you.

The drop calling has really rattled me. It’s so stupid because I knew he was going to do it. I was practically waiting for it. It’s almost funny, for someone who lied so much he’s still completely predictable.

I hate him so much today. I don’t know what I’d like to do more. Kill him or cut off his three remaining hairs. Honestly I think the latter would hurt him more.

I had another drop call from a withheld number today. This time it didn’t even ring, I only know because I got the missed call notification.

This is so so hard. I have so many questions and he’s not making this any easier for me. I don’t know why he’s calling or what he’s trying to achieve from it. It’s like he won’t let me forget him even for a second.

And it’s me who has to decide that I want better than this. Lord knows I’ve never been good at decisions. It’s probably why I’ve let him treat me this way for so long. Always given him the deciding vote on where we eat, what film we watch, where we go, what days we see each other - it was always me moving my schedule around to accommodate him. Now it’s me whose got to chose to never let him back in again and that feels insurmountable when I’ve always deferred to him. I know if I speak to him he will promise to be better and change. That he will give me the relationship I begged him for if I just withdraw my statement. If I do that everything will be perfect and I have to stop that from happening and it’s soooo hard.

I can’t and I won’t but it’s taking everything in me not to text him and tell him I’ll hear him out. I feel like im never going to get over this.

Please get a new SIM card so you can change your number. You need to protect yourself from him. At the moment it seems like if he managed to speak to you he'd be able to convince you to drop the charges. Don't give him the opportunity to do that.
If he's not able to call you, you won't have reminders of him either

Please NO !
'Hear him out '
There is nothing and I mean nothing he can possibly say to explain why he tried to suffocate you , why he said he wanted to kill you , why he sexually assaulted you , why he gaslit you, why he lied to you - I could go on .
You will never get the answers you want / need - he is an evil manipulative individual who has the capacity to kind your life and leave your children without their mum .
Please be brave and don't give him any opportunity to speak to you again.
Change your number and log it with the police that you are getting dropped calls .
Please also reach out to the domestic abuse services as a matter of urgency , you need their professional support .
Take care and every time you draft that text just think of your family xx

This is not your fault. He has groomed you to be dependent on him.

You can start to make small changes very quickly.

For example you quote three things you "let him" choose. You didn't let him, he groomed you so you couldn't rely on your own judgment. You can undo this by working out

1. Where you want to eat
2. What film you want to watch
3. Where you want to go

So take one of those three things and think about what you want to eat, watch, go.

It might be you want to watch the oriignal Disney Beauty and the Beast because you loved it as a kid. So watch it. You might have thoughts that he wouldn't like it or would think it "wrong". Fuck him. Watch it.

Go to McDonald's or Pizza Express or eat toast or mac and cheese.

Go to beach or bowling or the pub.

Practise working out what you want to do and then doing it. It will help you break his hold on you.

Baby steps. Every time you don't text, reward yourself by thinking about something you want.

He is at his most dangerous time love. Please refrain and stay here for support.
it so hard OP. I know it is…
stay here please.

You've got this . There is someone out there who will make you feel loved and safe . The longer your give this man your energy to further you are from getting that . Let him go he needs to be away from someone who he can hurt and you need to use every bit of strength you have and stay the hell away from him. A lady I used to know went back and he killed her . This is real it happens all over the world every day . Xxx good luck

I know that if I’d stayed with him he would have killed me eventually. I can feel that in my gut. There’s been two occasions in the last six weeks where he has almost killed me. He pushed me so hard back in November that my head hit the curb and I blacked out for a few seconds. He said himself if that had been any harder I wouldn’t be conscious.

I just wish I could understand. Why did he tell me he loved me over and over again when he was almost certainty on tinder for the entirety of our relationship? He was so full on. He called constantly. Family and friends would ask me if he was controlling because if he called and I didn’t pick up he’d just keep calling repeatedly until I did. The weird thing though… I always knew if I made a dummy tinder I’d find him on there. That’s why I never did it. I’d have to face the reality of what my gut was screaming all along. It’s not even like he could properly cheat if he wanted to! The only working explanation I can come across is validation and needing to feel wanted.

Last New Year’s Eve the police came to my door looking for him. I never found out why. He told me he was working the drone show for the London NYE fireworks. It’s another occasion where I thought it would all be bullshit but he told me he was working on a drone sketch of a little girl blowing bubbles and what do you know! There was a drone sketch of a little girl blowing bubbles! I think this is why I can’t discern between the truth and lies. It all sounded like lies!

It wasn't love on his part. It was about power and control. He manipulated you son that you would always be available to him when his latest conquest kicked him out.

There will have been some truth in the stories he spun. Maybe he was part of the fireworks, or maybe he knew someone who was.

He created this uncertainty to keep you guessing. It's classic gaslighting. You question yourself, he becomes the source of truth and you become more dependent on him.

This was done to you. On purpose.

It's brainwashing and it will take time to reprogram.

But look how far you've come already.

You're amazing.

He has twice now come close to leaving your child without a mother for the rest of their life.

You need to remember that every time you are tempted to waver and contact him or miss him.

How dare he do that to your child. To take away the person they love most in the world. It's sheer dumb luck that meant it didn't happen.

I'm so sorry this has all happened, it's horrific what you've been through. Your entire focus must now be on rebuilding yourself for your child, as well as for yourself of course.

Hopefully the IDVA will be in touch asap to get you some additional support from professionals. In the meantime we are all behind you.

I don’t think he ever got very far with tinder. I suspect that’s why he clung onto the one woman who gave him the time of day on it. I really am in awe of her. She went on a few dates with him and recognised there was something really not right and ended it. I did the opposite. I saw the red flags but ignored them anyway.

His age is bothering me today. For the first three birthdays I was with him he kept turning 32. I eventually got it out of him that he was 35. I don’t think he really was though. The police asked me his date of birth last week and when I told him what I thought it was the officer pulled a face and looked confused. Everyone who has seen pictures of him has told me there’s no way he’s 35. I’ve slept with this man. I want to know how old this man who I let have access to me like that is.

You're constantly doubting yourself and asking yourself why @Needtojustendit

You don't understand why the other woman recognised red flags but you didn't and it makes you feel stupid. Please, this is not you being stupid. You were trusting, a good person. That is not something to be ashamed of. I stayed with an abuser, as bad as yours actually, and looking back it was because I was naive but strong, a victim of my own success, if you will, cos I stayed far longer than anybody should have. For a very long time I berated myself over and over again for staying (20+ years) but recently I have managed to find peace with myself and this wasn't my fault. I truly hope you manage to get this peace much sooner than I.

I wish I had found MN sooner as I think I perhaps would have forgiven myself sooner and saved a helluva lot of pointless soul searching (years) as to why the evil fucking bustard did what he did.

I feel like I’m stuck in Groundhog Day and the stupid thing is I don’t even want him! I don’t find him remotely attractive. I was so fed up of paying for him constantly. Fed up of his mood swings. Fed up of everything being on his terms. Fed up of living in a sexless relationship at the age of 32. Fed up of there always being another lie or bombshell around the corner. I wanted out and I got out, albeit not in the way I had planned. Why is this bothering me so much when I didn’t actually want the relationship anymore!?

@Needtojustendit

Because you blame yourself in some way?

Because you're angry with yourself?

You have to find a way to forgive yourself.

Because he brainwashed you. Because he saw you were a good person willing to give him another chance and exploited your good nature.

I just deleted a lot of old pictures and screenshots.
That was really painful. It brought back a lot of bad memories.

Interestingly I found a few screenshots which I can show to the police as well. Stuff where I tell him I’m upset after he’s been violent and he just brushes it under the carpet. Another where he’s panicking to his friend about me going to the police after he’s tried forcing me into a threesome. The friend is trying to calm him down but there’s admittance that the threesome was reluctant on my part and he’s panicking. It’s weird looking back at this stuff.

You have to remember that your hormones (for lack of a better word) are still readjusting too. For years your cortisol and adrenaline and dopamine production have been dependent on him and his moods. Now it'll be like being on the rollercoaster still, but, blindfolded also. It'll take some time for it to readjust. For your body to relearn that it is safe. So atm everything feels worse. And it probably contributes to you scrabling for clarity, in order to calm things down.

This is called trauma bonding, I believe. When you look to the person who caused the pain, to cure it. Because for so long, they held all the cards. They trained you. And your body has to physically recover from that, not just your mind.

None of this is your fault. It is all on him. He manipulated, and groomed, and brainwashed you. And of course he told you that he loved you. That was just part of controlling you. He never meant it, but he worked at making you believe it, so he could have you where he wanted you. And yes, he will have lied a lot. But he will have scattered little truths in there, to make the big lies more believable. And to make you doubt your own sanity.

You are a strong woman. You have found your voice. It doesn't matter how long it took you to leave, what matters is that you have. And that you stay strong now. That you protect yourself from this evil scumbag by telling the truth about him. A truth which shows him in a truly shameful light. The shame is on him, not you.

I just want to say how incredibly brave you are! And also if it helps, I know you feel lost and confused and like it won’t get any better. But I was in your position almost a year ago. Although I went into refuge. It DOES get better. In a years time you will look back and be so proud of yourself. You’ve done the hardest bit. Let yourself cry, scream, get it all out. Domestic violence support services are amazing. They can put you on classes that honestly help so much. You have absolutely got this! This is the start of the rest of your life abuse free xx