Domestic Violence - I’m a mess (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Needtojustendit]

I really hope this is allowed. I’m currently feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I haven’t eaten anything for over 48 hours. I feel like my guts have been wrenched out.

My now ex boyfriend attempted to suffocate me on Saturday night. As he was doing it he said ‘I want to fucking kill you’, ‘I really could fucking kill you right now’. At the point I thought he’d let go, he actually got his other hand and covered my nose and mouth instead. I thought I was going to die. Before this there was a two hour walk wondering the streets with him attacking me at various intervals. A few weeks ago he sexually assaulted me and knocked me to the ground when I attempted to call for help.

The absolute worst part is that this isn’t the most upsetting thing he’s done to me. The two and a half years of gaslighting, lies, more lies to cover up the first lot of lies and making me out to be crazy if I don’t just immediately drop whatever I’ve discovered is worse. I feel like a shell of a person.

I’m devastated and I don’t know how I’m going to get past this.

The police are investigating.

This article might help you understand how your brain chemistry has you locked into this relationship.

neuroinstincts.com/spellbinding-bond-narcissists-psychopaths-neurobiology/

The article briefly refers to gambling as an example. The gambler knows what they are doing is irrational, doing them harm, destroying their family etc. But they keep going back. Why...? Trauma bonding is not just emotional. There is a real neurochemical / hormonal basis to it.

I researched (for a friend going through similar) that a bond like this can be formed in as little as four days. Stockholm Syndrome.

Also, to break this bond, research says a year of complete zero contact. If you need to discuss anything with him (for example, if you had children) to do so through intermediaries. If you have shared friendships, extricate yourself from those. If you know his family, withdraw from them. Even these connections to him will help sustain that bond. To break it, you need to break ALL contact.

This is why what you've achieved so far is very very impressive. You're effectively going cold turkey. That's hard.

I think you should get a new mobile number. Pass that number to only trusted people who have no contact with him. Because waiting for the dropped calls etc is sustaining the bond. I think there's a period of time which you're going to have to 'white knuckle' through. Do everything you can to distract yourself.

It will get easier as time passes. One day you'll look back with incredulity and horror that you found it hard, but you'll understand why.

I don’t feel brave or strong or any of those things. I feel on edge waiting for the next bombshell to drop.

Something very odd I noticed last night. Instagram sent a notification telling me I had a new like. When I looked there was nothing there. That could have been something or nothing, anyway he’s had me blocked on there for the last year. Telling me he didn’t use it but I always suspected that was a lie. I discovered on the day he was arrested he’d been doing really odd things. Posting photos of me on his stories and tagging random people that he didn’t know and had never met. I cannot begin to explain why. Also I may have mentioned that earlier in the thread so sorry if I’ve already said that.

This may be somewhat confusing. He had a work colleague with a very unusual name. I honestly started to think they didn’t exist. My ex only ever called him a short version as his name was apparently unpronounceable. As my ex always claimed he didn’t have a phone (I’m not sure how true this was, I suspect it was true at first but then he got one without telling me) he said he’d added his email account to this guys phone as this guy had two phones. I was emailing this guy to pass messages on to my ex all the while not really knowing if this man actually existed. The only proof I ever had that there was someone else on the other side was sometimes they replied to emails when I’d be out with ex. We’d be in a pub and he’d be sitting there and he’d not disappeared or got a phone out and this account would reply. This account was also what alerted me to the Peyronie’s disease. My ex had asked him to send me the email of his hospital appointment details as he wanted me to go with him. They sent me the referral letter as well. He wasn’t happy about this to put it lightly.

Anyway, on Instagram yesterday and that list popped up that sometimes does of people who follow you but you don’t follow back. There were two accounts with a really long name that I didn’t recognise and had never noticed before. The shortening of that name would be the guy from the emails. I don’t know what’s weirder… the fact he did exist or the fact he’s had two accounts watching me this entire time! He had two phones, two Instagram accounts. Both following me.

Everything about all of this feels deeply fucked up. I’d question him all the time about this kind of thing and he’d manage to explain it away but then the minute you were away from him again it would hit how weird it was. It was like being under a spell. It was all ok while he was there and lying through his teeth but the minute he went the spell would break and I’d be left questioning it all.

Please keep in close contact with the police and tell them everything, send them everything, even if you're not sure it's relevant.

This man would've certainly killed you if you hadn't of left the other day. He has escalated massively given he tried to kill you twice in the past 6 weeks. One more incident next week and you probably wouldn't be here OP..

It seems he has been stalking you. Stalking is a very VERY serious offence and the homicide rate attached to it is horrendously high.

Please tell the police you are not just being harassed you are being STALKED and you suspect he has had people spying on you.

I have so much I need to talk to the police about. When I did the statement the most pressing matter was telling them what had immediately happened. I skipped over the morning because I hadn’t even begun to process that yet. This goes far beyond the violence and strangulation. There’s things I can’t even begin to understand.

Thankfully I’ve found some screenshots, kept the group chat he made where he tried to force me into a threesome, taken pictures of all bruises, screenshotted the guy whose existence I was unsure about on Instagram, spoken to the woman who was on the receiving end of being tagged in one of my photos and kept the conversation. They have his phone so maybe they are more aware than me of what’s been going on. That last night before it turned bad, he was constantly taking photos and filming me. All I can think is what the hell was he going to do with them!?

And as if all of that wasn’t enough, I’ve been plagued by gambling text messages for the last three months. I’m getting between 3-5 a day at the moment. He swore it wasn’t him. He hadn’t signed up to any gambling sites using my phone number.

A few weeks ago he called me saying he’d got lost on his way home and he’d ended up near Blackpool. That’s quite a way to get lost considering he was on his way back from seeing me and I live 5 hours from Blackpool! That same day a casino in Blackpool called me. I didn’t listen long enough to find out what they wanted, just told them they had the wrong person and hung up. He swore it wasn’t a weird coincidence and it was nothing to do with him.

Oh I'm so sorry. He has signed you up for these as a way of harassing you. Add this to the evidence against him.

Do not believe anything he has said to you.

I worry that the photos may have been used to deep fake pornography of you. Again, add it to the evidence.

Thank goodness you are safe and away from him. Take care of yourself. Contact Women's Aid for support.

The weird thing is the gambling texts started when we were together. I know he’s been struggling for money for a while and my best guess was that he was gambling as a means to try and make money and used my phone number. I always felt the texts were because of something he had done no matter how strongly he denied it.

You might want to change your number. Definitely block the gambling numbers once you have screenshots of all the texts.

I was wondering if he had filmed you whilst asleep/without your notice and shared it with people with what you said on the post before this about linking your pics to random ppl. So your last sentence here makes me think that too.

Gives me pelicot vibes tbh op.

I think you've got away just in time.

He enjoyed hurting me. For two years we have tried sexual activity in the hope that he’d manage even the smallest erection. It’s been zilch every time. That night was the first time he’d managed anything. He attacked me and told me afterwards that he was horny and had gotten ‘a little bit stiff’ and put my hand on it. It wasn’t anywhere near a full blown erection but he was right. It was more than he’d managed anytime in the two years previously. It’s so disgustingly abhorrent to think but he enjoyed it. He got some kind of kick out of violently attacking me and attempting to kill me.

My heart is breaking for you OP

This has turned my stomach OP.

Psychologically this is the blueprint of a psychopath. Sexually motivated homicides are often committed by men who are impotent. The also get an erection from hurting or even killing woman.

This is extremely sinister.

I don't know if your case will involve a forensic psychologist but they will sadly have a field day with this. It also gives me chills.

Please OP, copy all of your comments on this post onto a word documents and give to the police. The evidence, the memories are pouring out of you. There will be much more that you remember. It's too much to recall in detail sitting in an interview or writing in a statement. Write down everything and give it to the police!

They will then have pages and pages and pages of documentation about abusive, coercive control. On top of the fact they already told you he is a very nasty man, there will already be a lot of evidence against his behaviours.

I miss parts of him like crazy but that’s starting to level out with this feeling that I’ve had a really lucky escape. Standing at the side of the road that day I didn’t want to tell the police but I knew if I didn’t I may not have made it next time. The look on his face when he knew I’d told them is something I’ll never forget. A mix of crestfallen and dumbfounded. I don’t think he believed I’d do it. The last text I had off him said ‘please please I love you’ from just before they put the handcuffs on him. I’m glad the police will see that text. I’m glad that they will know he’s clearly trying to persuade me not to tell them something.

How are you, OP?

@Needtojustendit hope you are doing ok

Thinking of you OP..

Thank you for checking in, it’s appreciated 😊

I can’t say I’m doing any better but I can’t say I’m doing any worse either. What has helped is thinking forward to my holiday in May and trying to lose the last stone and a half beforehand.

Weight is something that is clawing at my mind a lot at the moment and I feel somewhat ashamed of it. I lost four stone last year. I got it into my head that maybe some of our intimacy issues were due to the fact I was five stone overweight and if I lost it he’d find me more attractive and things would be better. It shouldn’t matter, I’m not even entirely sure it’s the weight part that’s bothering me, but the woman who he cheated on me with was the size I was when I started. It’s got me thinking that maybe it was my personality. Maybe it was my face or hair or something else then. I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on why it’s bothering me so much. It’s not the weight as such. I’ve been underweight and I’ve been obese. I hold no judgements for either.

It doesn’t help that weight was the last stick he used to get at me. After it all happened he just lay there ranting at me about it all. Questioning me, ‘why did you lose weight? Did you do it for another man? Did you do it so you could get another man? Why did you have to change? I liked you before, I didn’t want you to change’.

I want to lose the last bit for me. I started because of him but I’m going to complete it for me.

Please try not to let yourself go down that route of denigrating yourself. He was abusive to you because he’s an abuser. It’s absolutely nothing to do with you: your weight or your personality or anything else.

What he wanted from you was for you to suffer @Needtojustendit - as you said, that's what turned him on. Anything you did, or said, or didn't say, or didn't do - none of it made any difference- he hurt you because he wanted to. It wasn't in response to anything you did, it was the goal all along.

He was a despicable and dangerous and deeply inadequate man. And none of that was your fault.

If there's any was you can talk this out with a councillor or therapist please do so. It's not surprising that you are a mess, you've just been through the most horrible and traumatic relationship with a man who wanted to destroy you. You can and will heal from that but it's going to take time.

I’m very very nervous. The police are coming tomorrow morning to do the Claire’s law disclosure with me. What do I expect? Can I ask questions or is it a case of what they tell me I get to know and nothing more? I’m so frightened there’s going to be something massive on there and I’ll be blindsided

I have no idea but I would imagine that they will be able to answer any questions you have and support you or signpost you to where you can get support. If they do tell you things that shock you it might help you to put what has happened to you into perspective and realise how serious it was.

@Needtojustendit stay strong xxx Concentrate on listening to what they say to you in the morning. If you have questions, ask them. Tell them you are worried and concerned.

How was it, @Needtojustendit ?
I’ve been thinking about you.

Gosh, I've just stumbled across this thread, what an awful time you have had. I hope you are safe now.

Hey everyone! I feel a bit odd resurfacing now but I have a massive update. It’s not exactly a happy one but I actually feel a bit better for it. So I went back. It was horrific. Far worse than I ever could have imagined… but I got the answers I was looking for and I now understand this man is actually a lunatic. There’s nothing more to it. He needs help.

I went back in the beginning of January. Since then he has had many violent rages where he’d break items. He kicked the tiles in the bathroom to the point his boots came apart. He’s threatened to kill himself many times if I left him. On one occasion he drank bleach and attempted to slit his throat. He’s pushed me around and pinned me down and took my phone and used physical force against me more times than I can count. He kept me hostage in the woods, called a guy id text three times in my life and talked to him about how crazy I was on speaker so I could hear. Made his sister cover a domestic incident by lying to the police that it was between her and him and not me and him.

What has disturbed me the most though is finding out the extent of the cheating. He has had another ‘proper’ girlfriend for the last nine months. He has five phones, two have different tinder accounts on them, one has a match account on it, another a hook up site looking for a threesome third which has him listed as in a couple… but the woman in this couple isn’t me or the or the woman I’ve discovered.

He has been covering seeing me by pretending he was with a woman he’s never met. Years ago he told me that he briefly lived with this woman and they had a friend with benefits arrangement. He told me she got pregnant and started hounding him and making his life hell. He told me explicit things about what she liked in the bedroom. I questioned more on who this woman was and discovered I knew of her! We have mutual acquaintances. He panicked and admitted it was all lies apart from the being friends bit. I let it go because I didn’t think he was still doing it… turns out he’s been pretending he’s with her when he’s with me and telling outrageous lies like he picks up drugs for her and she has a rocky relationship and is cheating on her fiancée. I messaged this woman with the screenshots to let her know and he’s never met her. She has no idea of who he is but he’s been replying to her Instagram stories for five years. She put it as ‘he’s been having a conversation with himself on my stories’. She showed me and I was gobsmacked. The last message he sent her was a drug dealers number and I warned her he’s covering his arse with one of his girlfriends as he claims he picks up drugs for you. She is going to the police.

I have discovered that most of his friends are made up. He tried to tell me the other woman’s number in his phone was actually the mother of his illegitimate child. He then fudged the number, called it on speakerphone and ranted at what turned out to be an 18 year old about child maintenance. He then pretended the number was gay affairs he’d been having. He actually messaged a few of his friends about the gay sex they had participated in. Obviously this was met with confusion. He has tried framing me and his other girlfriend for cocaine possession. Neither of us have ever touched cocaine.

That is only the tip of the iceberg. He assaulted me the other day after I finally got the real number to his other girlfriend. I called her, he attacked me to get the phone of me and I screamed he’s hurting me. She called the police. I’ve given statements about everything that has happened since December and there is a possibility I’m going to have to go to court twice. I was supposed to be called about whether he was released or not today and I haven’t been. They were trying for remand but I have no idea if that’s happened.

I no longer blame myself. He is a level of crazy I will never comprehend. I am worried though. I don’t know what he’s capable of and if he’s been bailed I’m going to be looking over my shoulder. His other girlfriend has already moved out and changed her number. It’s almost like my brain can’t comprehend how serious this is.