Domestic Violence - I’m a mess (TRIGGER WARNING)

[Needtojustendit]

I really hope this is allowed. I’m currently feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I haven’t eaten anything for over 48 hours. I feel like my guts have been wrenched out.

My now ex boyfriend attempted to suffocate me on Saturday night. As he was doing it he said ‘I want to fucking kill you’, ‘I really could fucking kill you right now’. At the point I thought he’d let go, he actually got his other hand and covered my nose and mouth instead. I thought I was going to die. Before this there was a two hour walk wondering the streets with him attacking me at various intervals. A few weeks ago he sexually assaulted me and knocked me to the ground when I attempted to call for help.

The absolute worst part is that this isn’t the most upsetting thing he’s done to me. The two and a half years of gaslighting, lies, more lies to cover up the first lot of lies and making me out to be crazy if I don’t just immediately drop whatever I’ve discovered is worse. I feel like a shell of a person.

I’m devastated and I don’t know how I’m going to get past this.

The police are investigating.

My goodness 😱. He sounds absolutely deranged and evil incarnate. I'm glad you are away from him.

OP - it’s fine to tell the police that there is more. You can give a further statement. A properly trained police officer will understand how hard it can be to discuss domestic abuse and particularly sexual abuse. If you have any visible injuries (bite mark etc), you can take photos of those. This guy sounds incredibly dangerous so thank goodness you are away from him. Also your statement is evidence. Plus it sounds like the police already have the measure of him. Keep safe, OP.

Do not be ashamed.

Shame must change sides.

He must be ashamed and shamed.

The police officer knows he has a history and this will be reflected in his eventual sentence. The CCTV will help. Your statement will help. Your second statement will help.

The fact that he was in the middle of the road will help.

Note for the future. Anyone who says they will kill themselves if you don't do x, is using emotional blackmail to hurt you and won't do it.

Also, strangulation is an aggravating factor in sexual assault.

Honestly you are lucky to be alive. Make sure he can't get to you.

He deserved to go to prison for many years.

I have been told that I need to do a video statement at a sarc clinic and that an appointment will be made in the new year. I’ll bring up the bits I didn’t mention then. I’ve also taken photos of bruises that I didn’t realise I had until I got home after it all.

I know I shouldn’t give him a second thought but I truly hope he’s miserable right now. I hope he’s currently shitting himself. I hope every time he looks at that stupid tattoo on his palm he thinks of what he did to me. I hope he hasn’t had a moments peace from it all.

@Needtojustendit write everything down for your next interview.

Well he won't feel bad about hurting you because men who repeatedly assault women, intended to do so.

But hopefully he's shitting it that you've reported him. He thought you never would. He thought he was untouchable. Now he has to contemplate that his next Christmas and many more to come, may be spent in a pokey wee jail cell. As they should be.

Considering it sound like he has prior...he's very likely, royally fucked.

Just be aware it can be a long process with lots of stops and starts. If you can find methods to compartmentalise it will help you get through it. Like, you don't want all of your best year or two to be thinking about coming court dates. Those are for him to worry about not you.

Maybe consider a therapist. I could be wrong but I think the court might provide you with access to one if it goes to trial, they'll tell you though.

And just remember you've already got free and so regardless of what happens to him, that the most important thing. Him being put away will just be icing on the cake.

I know this question is very how long is a piece of string… but how likely is this to go to court/trail? I’ve never been in a situation with police involvement before.

It could take until 2026. The courts are very backed up. Please stay strong and last the course. He needs to go to jail.

Keep posting here and create new threads as they fill up. We will support you and keep you going. The comments you make will keep reminding you of what he's done to you.

We are here for you xxx

I can’t do this. I can’t do any of it.

What started the argument Saturday night was I saw messages on his phone that looked suspicious. He obviously tried to explain it all away and when I wouldn’t believe his lies he got violent. The next day before he was arrested I managed to get the number of the woman I saw on the phone. He was calling her and trying to get her to tell me they were just friends. They were at this point, she’d rejected him months ago after a few dates.

Anyway, I messaged her a few hours ago. She’d said on Sunday that she didn’t want to hear from him again but I wanted to pass a message on saying if she changed her mind, do a Claire’s law request on him first. It turns out he’d told her that he’d tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago because she wasn’t interested in him and she was seeing someone else. Around this time was when he booked us matching tattoos! He was telling me he wanted to marry me while declaring he was trying to kill himself over her!
Also he told her he worked somewhere completely different to where he told me. This will mean that I’ve endured the worst emotional abuse I can think of. He told me his job entailed being attached to a mic constantly and every conversation we had was heard by all the staff. He told me they all thought I was crazy, that I wasn’t allowed to talk about certain things as it was ‘against the rules’, that I got him fired for arguing with him on the mic and I got someone else fired as well. I’ve spent the last year believing that everyone was listening to me and whispering about me. The town he told her he worked in is my town and he told me he was working three hours away. My whole life for the last two and a half years has been a lie.

I think its safe to assume only one thing, that everything he said is a lie.

It sounds like he used a known abuser tactic on you 'get her thinking: 'everyone else thinks xyz about me'.

Be aware in future of men who tell you 'all other women think xyz' or 'everyone else (conveniently) agrees with me/thinks you are wrong/crazy'. Those are manipulative phrases. It's a telltale sign of abusive men.

Hopefully you've saved this woman from further abuse too. I'd maybe give her number to the police incase they want to further warn her.
Well done for telling her about Claires law op. You're a star and should be very proud of yourself for looking out for her like that.

But now focus on yourself. I would suggest focusing on taking care of yourself physically. An outlet like sport/running/dancing/martial arts would really help fyi for the next year. It's so so useful to have something like that around court dates as it allows you to release happy endorphins to counter the stress. I'm sure calming practices like meditation, yoga, breathing exercises might help too.

Try to rest lots even if its not sleep. Sunshine, long walks, eating well...and
Gaming helped me take my mind off things too if it's an option for you.

Journaling may prove useful.
And a little pet to cuddle perhaps? Once you feel up to looking after one that is.

You'll get through this.
Just take it one day at a time.

There's a Netflix documentary currently available for download where this guys coasts across Scotland, kills his wife and a lover for insurance money and is a bit of a pyromaniac on the side and likes lighting fires at hospitals. Complete whackadoodle, but the stand out moment for me was when the police added it all up, presented a lot of very incriminating evidence to his current girlfriend, who they assumed was next on the list. What did she do? Tell him. He could very well have killed her there and then - she later came to see how lucky she'd been. We all love our friends partners, but faced with evidence like that, I wouldn't give it a second thought. He's now shown you who he is, several times. The mother sounds 🦇 💩. You have to get out of there.

Ooh I saw that! Turns out he'd sabotaged their yaughts life jackets too and they'd been due to take a trip. Police warned her just in time.

Would is full of nutters unfortunately. Nutters who spin tall tales and con people.

Op has also had a lucky escape. It's just sad that the psychological affect of having these monsters in our lives can take a long time to heal from.

This part is really really hard. My ex is still on court bail and he is going to trial in 2 weeks. I would still ring him and tell him I miss him and that I want to see him even though it's been a year.
It's definitely got better though.

I wasted 9 years of my life on a violent alcoholic and drug addict who was always going to change but could never quite manage it. What I find so alarming about this story is that he's living in two very different realities, which very much reminds me of the guy in the Netflix doc. He was a sociopath who had zero empathy and really very dangerous, whereas over the years I've come to see my ex as more of a violent dickhead with the emotional regulation capacity of a small child. I wouldn't go back to those days for all the tea in China though. OP, his mother is part of the problem. You need to get away from them.

He knew I would have given him everything in the world and he took advantage of that.

This is the part you where you need find out why your attachment to this man was so absolute. You giving him everything in the word is not a positive.

He’s an ex. Your focus is making sure it stays that way. Let the criminal justice system do their work, while you work on you.

? The attachment is 'so absolute' because of the dynamic of domestic abuse

Have you not read the thread?

You can do, it will be hard but you can do it.

The tattoo for now will remind you of what you've been through, but one day, with some time and support, it will remind you of how strong you have been and what you have survived. Maybe at that point get it changed like a pp suggested to something positive like a butterfly or phoenix for your new beginning

Hi Op, I hope you are ok and getting support from your kids father.

I don’t know if I missed this but I just wanted to check that you’ve seen a doctor since the incident when your ex tried to strangle and suffocate you. If not it’s very important that you do this TODAY. There can be internal injuries that don’t show up straight away.

Here is some information for victims like you, please read it.

https://www.shsc.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/2023-07/IFAS-01-Patient-Information.pdf

You will see that the way you are feeling right now - the confusion, distress, feeling like you can’t cope or go on , being terrified, thinking that it’s your fault - all these things are NORMAL reactions to what happened to you.

You are not a mess and you can cope, with support . Everyone would need help after what has happened. You are having a normal reaction to a terrifying series of events.

Being in love or missing an abuser is called Stockholm syndrome. You need counselling.

Stockholm Syndrome FAQs. What are the signs of Stockholm syndrome? People experiencing Stockholm syndrome might start to sympathize with their abusers and even feel that they are in the right. They might also start to internalize and rationalize physical and emotional abuse, believing that they "deserve" it.

Thank you everyone. I’m really struggling at the moment because all the support I’ve been referred to isn’t operating as normal due to Christmas. I feel like I’m in limbo going over it in my head.

The only positive I can update with is the woman I warned yesterday has agreed to speak to the police if they contact her. She has also said if he comes near her house or tries to contact her she will report him to the police as she’s blocked him everywhere and told him she wants no contact.

A kick in the teeth was discovering he’s very likely using one of my old phones. He bought a burner phone a few weeks back. It was a cheap old fashioned Nokia. The £29 ones. I had the number to it and curiosity got the better of me. When I entered it into my phonebook the option for iMessage came up. I gave him an iPhone to tide him over around 9 months ago. The bastard is walking around with my old phone without a care in the world! It just feels like one more thing he’s taken from me! He’s got two pieces of my jewellery, he’s got £200 of my cash I’ll never get back, I’ve paid for his meals and entertainment for the last year as he’s been skint (apparently), he’s cheated on me, beaten me, abused me and attempted to take my life. I’m stuck looking at the tattoo he coerced me into getting and to top it all off he’s using my fucking phone as well.

They always have a brass neck them lot!
Did he never give you the phone back? Tell you it was broken or something?

You can ask the police for your jewlery back. Perhaps the phone too, though he may argue it was a gift.

Probably uses multiple phones to keep all the affair women seperate.

Make sure you've logged yourself out on all devices btw of things like your email and social media. Maybe change passwords too.

He claimed he broke his phone last Christmas and due to working away and being skint couldn’t replace it. When I upgraded my phone a few months later I gave my old one to him but he then claimed there was an issue with it and couldn’t use it. Obviously lies! Funny now he’s skint and it’s the only phone available to him it works fine! I just wonder how he can look at it and use it knowing how he acquired it. It makes me feel physically sick.

I didn’t realise I could ask the police about getting my jewellery back. He took two of my rings and started turning them around so they looked like wedding bands and telling me we were now married. I thought it was a joke at first but he wouldn’t give them back.

Yeah I mean just tell them what you've told us. And that he might be wearing them pretending they are wedding bands. He could probably lie and say he doesn't have them but there's no harm in asking them to try.

Tell them about your phone too. But mainly because they might have seized his other phone as evidence and not known he's also had this one all along. If they took his phone, dunno if they do for such cases.

You have to bare in mind, he has no remorse. Why would it bother him to use a phone he's lied about for months? Heck, it didn't bother him to cheat, abuse or assault you either. You have to stop thinking of him as being like you. It's like a deer thinking that a wolf feels the same things it does.

He doesn't do (real) remorse, empathy, compassion, joy or love. Only anger, sadism, hate, jealousy and spite.

He's just not like you.