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Original poster

Mid-life limerence?

383 replies

Candoolili · 23/12/2024 15:23

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

OP posts:
usbslot2 · 01/02/2025 20:56

@Finita67 If it helps anyone I'm glad, I've been there and got the t-shirt!

Kitcar · 02/02/2025 15:34

GlassLampshades · 01/02/2025 15:11

Interesting. I'm very likely undiagnosed adhd and autism. Very high masking but have always been clueless about people being attracted to me and while I can say objectively if a person is good looking or not, I don't feel physical attraction to people as a rule without having a deep personal or intellectual connection.

I am very careful and intentional in the way I interact with the person I have the limerence about as the situation is very sensitive, we are both married with families, and he is my boss who I very much enjoy working with on a professional level and as the limerence will fade and is fading, I am very conscious that I would never want to damage that relationship. Also have no genuine desire for my limerence to cross into reality as it would be a let down and a disaster on many levels. I'm also starting to get the ick a little but which is what happens when limerence ends and it's almost like the fog of madness lifts and you wonder what in the name of God you were thinking.

Honestly I do feel mine is reciprocated. He has on a very few (but significant) occasions made unnecessary "friendly" physical contact with me. In group situations he tends to focus on me and looks at me if he makes a joke (which is a well known signal that your reaction is considered important).

I've noticed lately that he is the one who keeps the conversation going on WhatsApp (work related though) or work IM system. While I do like to chat about work (it's very important to me), I tend to communicate in quite a cold, formal way in work (and he is of course my boss), and at times I reply with one word answers partly so that it could never be said that I was overstepping the line or encouraging him. This week especially I noticed that when I gave one word answers, he would then reply with a long message which was probably not that necessary, and also started a number of "light hearted" conversations with me.

But then I tell myself he is just a nice friendly guy and he probably does that with everyone 😉

Really good post. Good advice here.

Mxflamingnoravera · 02/02/2025 19:41

Try hypnosis, there are a few free hypno sites that offer "get this person out if year head/ stop Limerance trances. It worked for me.
Best ones:
Joseph Clough
Michael Seeley

Summervibes24 · 02/02/2025 21:25

I realised today that my guy looks just like my DH when he was younger.

I was deeping it thinking it was trauma etc but I think he just has the energy, fun and humour that my DH doesn't have at the movement due to work stress etc

Makes me feel better knowing it wasn't so random.

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2025 08:21

@Summervibes24 ,

Your husband might be saying very similar about his crush in relation to you. It is easy to be fun over a short period in a work or social setting.

This whole thread legitimises some quite pathological thought processes.

It is not really ok to obsess over someone for years and remain in a relationship. You need to either deal with the obsession or split up/divorce. At that point you will probably discover that the infatuation ends. And you can go on to make healthier decisions (as well as it being the only fair course of action to your husband/partner).

That won’t be popular on this thread but it is the truth.

littlemisspigg · 03/02/2025 09:06

StopStartStop · 23/12/2024 16:13

I had it. I hated it. I was firm with myself. It passed. Ten years later, there's no sign of it.

eta: But my goodness, when you have it it's intense. I lost seventeen pounds in a fortnight.

Edited

Awesome!
I'm more interested in that 17lb loss btw.....HOW??

missfliss · 03/02/2025 09:53

Well I have found this thread to be helpful, cathartic and it has taken away the isolation for me.

The isolation leads to the crush / like dance being magnified in your head - this thread has demystified things and helped me put it in proportion.

I'm still a twat, behaving like an addict.

But now I know WHY I am being a twat and I can laugh at myself a bit until the madness ends

missfliss · 03/02/2025 09:54

*Gah - should read crush / limerance

Original poster
Candoolili · 03/02/2025 11:49

Nobody’s trying to “legitimise” or “deligitimise” anything here. We’re not lawyers (well some may be, who knows). Most of us seem to be taking an objective / scientific approach to what is going on so that we can work through it in a way that makes sense. It’s certainly helped me, as another poster said I can laugh at some my behaviours now. I am also interested in the experiences of people like yourself who appear to reside within a fortress of relationship security and have absolutely no temptations / crushes / fantasy escapes. Not being critical, just genuine curious as to what’s different about this sort of person.

OP posts:
Finita67 · 03/02/2025 14:10

missfliss · 03/02/2025 09:53

Well I have found this thread to be helpful, cathartic and it has taken away the isolation for me.

The isolation leads to the crush / like dance being magnified in your head - this thread has demystified things and helped me put it in proportion.

I'm still a twat, behaving like an addict.

But now I know WHY I am being a twat and I can laugh at myself a bit until the madness ends

I too am finding this thread really helpful. It helps to know I am not the only person feeling like this. It's not about legitimising anything.

Crushing25 · 03/02/2025 14:28

I'm also finding it super helpful. It's good to be able to rationalise feelings that are seemingly irrational.

StopStartStop · 03/02/2025 15:30

littlemisspigg · 03/02/2025 09:06

Awesome!
I'm more interested in that 17lb loss btw.....HOW??

Show quote history

I just couldn't eat. It took away all my appetite. For food. Not any other appetite...

Crushing25 · 03/02/2025 16:40

I've also lost a fair bit of weight! Also it's a great motivator as I want to look extra hot for when we start working together again. In that way it's been great for my health. Weirdly it seems to have stopped all desire for my usual habits such as drinking too much, complusive shopping and even nail biting. So its clearing replacing little dopamine hits I was getting from those things that were ultimately damaging to my overall health. I had a text interaction with him the other day and luckily I seem to be getting the same hit from just re reading the messages without craving to send more.

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2025 19:09

So many of you say it is not about legitimising it but it clearly is.

It is like a forum for alcoholics who don’t want to quit alcohol but share their cravings and say how others have felt the same. It normalises something that isn’t healthy. It Is the opposite of an AA meeting!

And even if you can’t control your addiction, you can be honourable and leave your existing relationships.

And, no, I am not coming from this from a position of being happily married. In my case my ex wife fancied someone else (or maybe she was ‘limerent’ about him). It all came out and we got divorced (more her choice than mine, but retrospectively she was right, I wouldn’t have trusted her again). We are amicable now, years later.

I think, after I left, she shagged her ‘limerent object’ and then, of course, reality hit for both of them and they fell out.

To be honest, I think what she did was more honourable than remaining in a relationship for years whilst your entire interest lies elsewhere (though neither are ideal, obviously), regardless of whether you act on it or not.

missfliss · 03/02/2025 19:27

Whilst I'm sorry for your experience @Newbutoldfather I don't agree with you.

Thanks to this thread I'm managing to work through my feelings, hold a mirror to up to them, see them for what they really are and recognise that I need to work on myself and my marriage.

You might not believe that.

That's up to you.

However I'll keep sharing on here all the same thanks and continue to find it helpful

Crushing25 · 03/02/2025 19:29

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2025 19:09

So many of you say it is not about legitimising it but it clearly is.

It is like a forum for alcoholics who don’t want to quit alcohol but share their cravings and say how others have felt the same. It normalises something that isn’t healthy. It Is the opposite of an AA meeting!

And even if you can’t control your addiction, you can be honourable and leave your existing relationships.

And, no, I am not coming from this from a position of being happily married. In my case my ex wife fancied someone else (or maybe she was ‘limerent’ about him). It all came out and we got divorced (more her choice than mine, but retrospectively she was right, I wouldn’t have trusted her again). We are amicable now, years later.

I think, after I left, she shagged her ‘limerent object’ and then, of course, reality hit for both of them and they fell out.

To be honest, I think what she did was more honourable than remaining in a relationship for years whilst your entire interest lies elsewhere (though neither are ideal, obviously), regardless of whether you act on it or not.

I do sort of accept what you're saying re . legitimising. However the notion that someone would end a marriage/ walk away from a life partner based on a crush is a bit ridiculous to be honest with you .I don't believe that anyone who is married or in a LTR for 20 years plus and interacts with other people doesn't have a silly crush at some point. This is the 2nd one I've had and the first faded away eventually. I'm pretty certain that my DH has also had crushes. I think true 'limerance' that last for years and years (what I would call obsessive unrequited love) maybe is different. I'm honestly staggered that someone would end a marriage because one partner got the hots for someone else, but everyone is different.

Crushing25 · 03/02/2025 19:34

And it's entirely possible to have feelings for more than one person. My interest is very much still on my DH. That's the weird thing. I don't feel any less about him, I adore the guy. But for me my crush is essentially a very strong sexual chemistry with another person that I'm struggling to put a chiller on. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, because it's essentially a base human drive. It would be like thinking you're a lesser person because you feel hunger. It's about riding the wave and getting through it without hurting the person I've committed to spend my life in partnership with. I'd be devastated if my dH wanted to end our marriage because he fancied someone else.

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2025 19:41

@Crushing25 ,

So show the thread to your husband? What do you honestly think he would say?

And the theory that you wouldn’t be that bothered if your husband had a prolonged powerful crush on someone is very different to the practice (you may well be different, of course, but most find the reality far more upsetting than the theory).

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2025 19:45

And, yes, I accept that everyone has passing fancies. Of course you don’t stop noticing other people because you are married.

But what is (mostly) spoken of here is far more profound and marriage endangering.

Crushing25 · 03/02/2025 20:03

Newbutoldfather · 03/02/2025 19:41

@Crushing25 ,

So show the thread to your husband? What do you honestly think he would say?

And the theory that you wouldn’t be that bothered if your husband had a prolonged powerful crush on someone is very different to the practice (you may well be different, of course, but most find the reality far more upsetting than the theory).

We have sort of discussed the idea that one of us will develop attraction for someone else at some point. We both basically decided that we'd rather not know! What is being discussed here are a myriad of different scenarios with a lose thread running through them of the feelings being inconvenient and addictive.

Tapsthemic · 03/02/2025 20:16

OP I always think of Wendy Cope’s poem - if it was written now it would be called the Two Cures for Limerance!

Two cures for love

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: Get to know him better.

Wendy Cope

Crushing25 · 03/02/2025 20:33

Tapsthemic · 03/02/2025 20:16

OP I always think of Wendy Cope’s poem - if it was written now it would be called the Two Cures for Limerance!

Two cures for love

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: Get to know him better.

Wendy Cope

Ha that's brilliant!

Original poster
Candoolili · 04/02/2025 09:09

Thanks @Newbutoldfather I can understand how you hold this position especially given your past experience. If anything it’s an example of how limerence can fool a person and and argument for learning ways to curb it. I think we all have different levels of breeding ground here though. Some may be unhappy in their marriages. Some may be very happy, but also have limerence. Some are having their limerence reciprocated. Some are actively engaging with their “person” others deliberately quashing any engagement. If you are unhappy in a relationship, argument for ending it. If you are happy, most definitely an argument for working through and quashing the limerence.

OP posts:
H0TSUB · 04/02/2025 16:16

I have had this but always for female friends, well two anyway. But this one has been going on for two years now.

I think I am bisexual

I am not unhappy in my marriage but I long for her and think about her all day.

How fucked up is that

I must say reading some of the links and advice here has been really useful and I actually think I can conquer this!!

Original poster
Candoolili · 04/02/2025 17:35

H0TSUB · 04/02/2025 16:16

I have had this but always for female friends, well two anyway. But this one has been going on for two years now.

I think I am bisexual

I am not unhappy in my marriage but I long for her and think about her all day.

How fucked up is that

I must say reading some of the links and advice here has been really useful and I actually think I can conquer this!!

That’s interesting Hotsub, out of interest what age range are you, and for how long would you have had same sex attraction? I’ve read that sexuality in women can become more fluid towards middle age. I totally get this, though would still veer towards opposite sex attraction myself.

OP posts: