Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

I don’t care If I see him :). He is now just a normal guy whom I would like to get to know better so that I understand myself better. Why did I choose him?

Men think all women love them
anyway so he was probably thinking ‘join the queue’ when you were staring at him with love hearts coming out of your eyes like a cartoon.

You shouldn’t be embarrassed that you once liked someone, you didn’t even do anything it was just like a hobby occupying your brain for a while. It’s not like you lunged at him!!

(I hope you didn’t)

Yes I often wonder if they “know” and what the signs are that give it away. I deliberately try to be professional around him and almost “masc up” my behaviour to try and disguise it, e.g. act a bit laddish, it’s a tendency I have when I’m trying to deflect any kind of attraction or flirting. However there is a distinct awkward vibe to our interactions that I can’t put my finger on which makes me thing he senses it. I’ll be very curious to know how it goes when you meet him @ratinasack

Ha ha - no I didn't ever lunge at him thank God!! But they were definitely love hearts coming out of my eyes. I'm sure it was totally obvious. Cringe.

Have been thinking of this thread as I saw the man I had full on limerent feelings for earlier this week. Thought it might be helpful to post that, while I still find him attractive and think I always will, it's nowhere NEAR how painful it was when my limerence was at its worst!

I posted earlier about how I think our peri-menopausal hormones play a massive role here. But, when my feelings were completely overwhelming, I also found it helpful to think about our brain chemistry - and how that is a factor. When you have a crush on someone and you see them, your brain is spiking with levels of dopamine and serotonin...and in the 'aftermath' of that (you're not with them, nothing happens, you're just sitting there thinking about them etc) those levels crash and it makes you feel so awful...Not sure if you've ever taken any recreational drugs OP, but I dabbled a bit when I was younger😳😂When I was at the height of my limerence, the day after seeing my crush would feel EXACTLY like a come down after taking drugs like cocaine/E - which are drugs that really mess with your brain chemistry. That's not a good thing, of course - but I did find it quite helpful to consider this and remember that 'feelings aren't facts.'

Happily I don't feel anything like this after I see the guy now. I think he'll always make me feel a bit fluttery - attraction is attraction, after all - but it's not horrible and preoccupying, thank god!

So my feelings of limerence have completely dissipated but last week (after my feelings had randomly just gone) we had a one to one and after we'd finished talking work, he then decided to open up to me with a big heart to heart about some personal issues. It was the sort of interaction I'd have been all over had the limerence still been there but now was just waiting for him to be done so I could leave. I was happy about it because it felt like our personal relationship / bond deepening, but for me now there is no additional undercurrent of limerence. Just a normal work friendship blossoming.

Since then he has touched me (innocently) a few times during conversation, and yesterday we ended up having a really long conversation again about all sorts of personal stuff (we were travelling back from a meeting). Another colleague was with us and I remember thinking they will sense the connection between us because the conversation is really flowing. Even though I think we are both friendly, nice people who enjoy chatting. There's definitely some sort of energy there that I am not imagining but I suppose I'm now thinking it's from his side.

The limerence is still gone for me. Firmly, firmly gone.

Curious to know how everyone’s getting on here? I’ve had no contact with mine in a good while now, definitely helps, although it feels like a very slow process I’ve had less intrusive thoughts and fantasies in the last few weeks.

That's good @Candoolili ! Yes, no contact definitely helps with perspective. I was doing well and then I bumped into mine at an event this weekend and it's started everything off again. We had such a good time and got on really well. The palpitations I get when I'm around him are unreal.

Wish I didn't feel like this ...it's all consuming again now 😫

They say if you don't feed it, it starts to die.

Mine has gone down the usual path of me now being v awkward so I'm avoiding contact as at work it's not a professional look.

I have been reading into limerence and I have found out I have a fearful / avoidant attachment style so I am starting therapy tomorrow. I'm also seeing the gp about HRT on Friday.

I'm hoping to start feeling like myself again soon.

I think I've established that mine is perhaps not strictly limerence as I know now he is or was interested in me sexually. However I'm sure it's nothing more than that on his part, whilst I unfortunately can't stop thinking of him 8 weeks on. I have a few events coming up where I will see him socially, not work related. Feel extremely nervous about how it will be and it's probably not a good idea really however I'm not willing to sacrifice seeing my friends and joining in the fun. Just hoping it will eventually fade out. I really don't know how he's feeling but I think likely not awkward at all and probably hadn't thought much about it!

How do you plan to deal with seeing him at the events? Will you try to avoid him? In some ways I think that's the easiest thing and would stop your emotions going up and down. On the other hand, avoidance is a bit conspicuous. Difficult one - and I guess something you cannot necessarily control e.g. he may approach you.

I'm really down in the dumps since my limerence ended. I think it was a lovely source of dopamine for me and now it's ended it is all a bit flat and tired.

However I will try to take my own very good advice of using the power of the limerence to remind me that I can make my life very enjoyable and rewarding using the power of my own mind, instead of relying on someone else's actions for my dopamine supply.

I will have to interact with him for sure. I'm hoping we can essentially act like 'friends' or friendly colleagues which were were before it started. We share some good mutual friends so I can't really ignore him unfortunately. Although that would probably be simplest.

Excellent!

I saw mine the other day for the first time in a long long time though we took most days on a WhatsApp group.

I actually felt less feelings. I was still a bit pathetic but didn't feel the intense feelings I thought I would. I don't know whether to be disappointed or elated!

I need to let something out, feel like I want to explode.

I've had limerance for coming up to 2yrs. It's painful and I've kept it completely to myself. It's a work colleague and I'm leaving now, so finally it will come to an end. He barely knows I exist so I've been careful to keep it under wraps.

My DH has been drinking too much, for too long. He's currently downstairs on his second bottle of wine, repeating himself and talking nonsense. I know limerance is a comfort blanket and escape, when dealing with this gaping hole in my relationship which I don't know how to start to fix

I had to unexpectedly spend a bit of time today with my colleague, and I felt like I was spiraling, trying to act like normal human when underneath my heart was beating out my chest. In some ways I always regret every interaction we have, because I probably come across as quite aloof trying to hide my real feelings. I feel like I need to say something before I never see him again. Please tell me why this is such a bad idea.

You've answered your own question in your post.

Sorry if this is harsh but I'm trying to stop you embarrassing yourself which will inevitably feel so, so much worse.

You are leaving and it will come to an end.
He barely knows you exist.
Your feelings are not real. They are a comfort blanket to help you deal with the trauma of your relationship.

Don't say a word. You have hidden it for this long, you can continue and simply walk away. Noone will ever know and the limerence will fade. And in the meantime you focus on yourself and your happiness and wellbeing, however you can.

I'm so sorry you are going through a bad time.

Let yourself explode if it helps. Over Christmas my limerence was so intense and I took long walks alone, and cried so much. Not over my limerence but it was a vehicle to release my emotions.

Your feelings are probably caused by frustration with your current situation. The limerence is an escape from your reality which you have the power to change.

Thank you @GlassLampshades. I don't think you're harsh at all. I need talking down though. Feel a bit better this morning.

It's strange knowing all these intense feelings that I've had for years will just disappear into thin air with nowhere to go. It'll be a relief. I just hope I don't find another crush in my next job, I haven't got the headspace or mental energy for that.

I always tell myself it not real, it's a coping mechanism. I know I'll look back and wonder what I was thinking. I really don't know how to change my current situation, but that's for another thread.

Don't say anything, leave with your head held high that he never knew. I approached mine a couple of weeks ago asking a silly work question, he said he'd get back to me - he hasn't. We both know I could have emailed it but for me the pull was strong to talk to him. Feel a bit of a fool now and it's not a good feeling!

It might help to write down exactly what you're trying to achieve by telling him - are you secretly hoping he will admit the same and you run off into the sunset together? Probably not, you'll be missing the escape to a fantasy land when you leave not him.

Embrace it all rather than fight it! I loved having all those heart flutterings, giddiness and excitement..I felt alive! Went on for a couple of years but has long gone now, regrettably …

I agree- keep it schtum and leave with your dignity intact. Think of all the mulling over and endless cringing that will come with disclosure. As cycling addict says see it as a positive experience. I recently read Esther perels “mating in captivity” (after a recommendation here) and there is a chapter where she sort of normalises the threat of a “third” in relationships and how it can keep things alive if channelled appropriately. How are things with your partner aside from the excessive drinking issue?

Not read the full thread but I'm prone to those obsessive limerant crushes, too. Longest one lasted 4.5 years if I'm being honest with myself. (Embarrassing I know). As soon as one clears up, I'll tend to have a lovely year or so where I'm really "doing me" so well, and then boom - along comes another. 🙄

The common denominator among all of them that I find so intoxicating is the being admired romantically bit. The feeling of being sexually desired (by someone you're not repulsed by!) is a very powerful drug, but couple that with the feeling of someone thinking you're amazing, smart, funny, independent, bright and interesting and it's almost impossible to wriggle out of its grip. It feels good!

I know this answer is to "find yourself amazing" 🙄but in all honestly I just don't find that as intoxicating!

You are married though, so you both thought each other was the best thing since sliced bread at one point and deep down probably still do? My advice would be to lean into that and rediscover your husband.

It really is a powerful drug and very intoxicating @OnlyHerefortheBiscuits. And I think quite rare to feel that way about someone. I’ve been 3 years and it is starting to fade slowly but it’s been a really painful episode. Telling a trusted friend helped me see things more clearly. But there were some great feelings as @CyclingAddict says. Now it’s fading ( as I don’t work with said person anymore) life seems a bit drab, but I’ll work on that!

Thank you for sharing your experience with these crazy crushes too.

@OnlyHerefortheBiscuitsits a constant cycle isn't it? It's not my first crush either. I think deep down I'd probably run a mile if he reciprocated. I've been with my husband 25yrs, probably just feeling a bit bored and frustrated with his drinking.

@Candoolili will give that book a try. I have listened to a few podcasts on limerance and they have helped put things into perspective. The drinking is a huge problem for me, it impacts every other part of our relationship. But I'm hoping we can survive this