Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

I think you’ve been brave to post here and to be so frank about your limerence. Limerence is not self-indulgent, as some commentators have suggested. It’s a painful and involuntary experience. I have been a limerent since adolescence, although I didn’t couch it in those terms until relatively recently, when I learned about Dorothy Tennov’s theory and research, conducted in the ‘70s. I was diagnosed with OCD in my twenties though (and recognise that I was a child with OCD). I am in my mid mid sixties now and I’m afraid to say, am currently struggling against another painful episode of limerence. I feel guilty and also like an absolute idiot but am trying to be kind to myself as life has been very challenging and sad for the last 4 years or so and I’m very aware that extreme stress, combined with a lack of purpose and feelings of hopelessness (you wouldn’t sense this if you met me, btw. I’m relentlessly cheerful and friends are always telling me how “strong” I am….🥴) have contributed enormously to my falling into an (inappropriate) infatuation with this man who, at the moment, seems like everything my poor husband isn’t. Everyone’s experience of limerence is the same yet different, of course, and I’m sure the action of hormones on the brain can be a factor, but in my opinion/case I think limerence is not a “normal” crush. It’s an expression of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and it’s serving the function that OCD does, which is distracting us from difficult, stressful and challenging things in our lives. (I don’t think Tennov characterised it as such though, when she named the phenomenon). I’m posting a link to her work. There’s a writer called Dr L who has published a couple of useful books about living with limerence and he runs an online group. Will find a link for that too. Best wishes , in sympathy and anti-limerence solidarity!
https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-is-limerence/

livingwithlimerence.com/take-control

Oh my gosh, this thread has answered so many questions! I’m suffering from limerance too and find myself feeling like a giddy teenager when I see him. I’ll be back to read more later as I need to go to work, thankfully not where I see him

@TrillingLil25 very well written post. From a personal experience, I am not sure it’s related to having OCD. After the loss of my mum (when she was relatively young), I did not want to fall into a black hole of grief/depression and remember hearing a Psychologist say that we can choose our thoughts from the moment we wake up.

i, therefore, made a choice to add some ‘spice’ into my thinking! I think I’d had a bit of a crush for some time on this particular man but it developed into a full blown fantasy and obsession. It would be dreaming of meeting up for a secret rendezvous and all of that sexual attraction/excitement. I don’t think it was about the actual sex, it was the feelings around the secrecy. I also wasn’t very fond of his wife (she did me wrong in the past) and I think a little part of it was payback for her 😊

nothing happened, as someone else has said I would’ve ran a mile if anything had developed 😂😂

@CyclingAddict It sounds as though your obsessive crush was performing quite an important function for you at a sad and painful time in your life (and I was sad to hear of the loss of your Mum). It was probably quite a healthy distraction, in that respect, too. I’m wondering if it would meet the criteria of “true” limerence though, in that limerence, after the initial hit and the highs & fun thrills of all the imaginings of sexy scenarios, nearly always seems to lead to lows of anxiety and misery. It seems as though a big factor in the limerence experience is uncertainty; so the LO will seem to be sending out mixed messages or the constrained circumstances in which you interact with them can lead you to imagine that they’re hiding their true feelings. Limerents tend to waste endless amounts of time painstakingly analysing every conversation/LO’s body language etc., for clues (usually imagined) to what the LO thinks & feels. A lot of OCD sufferers have very low tolerance for uncertainty and ambiguous situations and it can be a real driver for obsession. I am definitely genuinely physically attracted to my LO and attracted to what I know of his personality and, although the context is all wrong, the attraction is just normal. What sends it into the realm of limerence is when the attraction becomes so obsessive and objectifying that it becomes a problem that you hate and that prevents you from fully enjoying life and really functioning properly. I have to try to fight any delicious imaginings because the price is a constant nagging feeling of longing to know if he could feel the same, whilst knowing he doesn’t…or does he…no he can’t do….can he…?🤪 -whilst feeling guilty and, like someone else said, feeling like I’m acting like a twat and appear to him to be a twat… It can feel as if you’re going mad. 🤣😩

You’re not flipping wrong about it driving you to madness @TrillingLil25

What happens when they really do demonstrate reciprocal feelings though? How on earth do you stop the train once it’s left the station?

@TrillingLil25 defo felt like I was going mad, especially when the hormonal rush kept me awake at night 😟 the thoughts and feelings built into something massive in my head..so big that I thought I could write a novel about it all!😄

@WitchDancer the feelings were reciprocated but, fortunately, we both had enough sense not to pursue it (too much to lose)

@CyclingAddict @WitchDancer It’s all about the uncertainty, secrecy and constraint isn’t it? That’s what triggers the obsessiveness and limerence, if your mind is predisposed to work that way. If your LO reciprocates and you are both in a position to give a relationship a go, guilt free, then limerence dissipates pretty quickly. Otherwise it’s just bloody exhausting and gets in the way of everything. I wish I could never see my LO again, but that’s not really possible, so I’ve got to try to stop my stupid limerent brain messing up what are serious, official interactions. V glad to hear you got free of your last episode @WitchDancer , without succumbing to any mistakes against your better judgement. Time to go and do something purposeful and work on building my self esteem I think!

I wish I had got free without succumbing. We kissed a lot and it felt so good and right. I felt so desirable, which I haven’t done in a long time. I can’t do this without my life completely blowing up, his too 😢

I haven’t told anyone in real life and would be ashamed to do so. I need to stop as the reality just wouldn’t work but I’m finding myself obsessing and getting upset that I won’t ever feel like this again.

I really think as someone who has suffered from limerence myself repeatedly that while it can feel exciting and pleasurable that its ultimately a maladaptive behaviour which is offering you some for of escape from a difficult situation, problematic thinking patterns, trauma and so on. I don't think it necessarily means your own relationship is lacking anything although perhaps in some cases this could be true.

I often think that the intoxicating part isn't so much that you really like or love them but its the chance to see yourself as who you wish you were, or how you would like to be seen or to be able to love yourself through their eyes in the fantasy because you struggle to do that directly and I think that is quite key. I think it was the therapist Ester Perel who suggested that on some level affairs are about seeing a different version of yourself and I think some of that related to being in a state of limerence and how would it be if only we could give ourselves the ability to see new possibilities for our self without having to mediate that through someone else?

After all love isn't actually the thrill of being fancied or fancying someone, that's just infatuation and infatuation without the possibility of love or a relationship developing is a pretty self indulgent thing and while a bit of that might be ok, if you are constantly indulging in something like that its time to take stock and consider what it is you might be trying to numb out or escape from?

I really do feel fir you @WitchDancer and have got several thoughts re. what you’re saying. No time at the mo to write them out…but meanwhile I think you might benefit from looking at some of the better literature that’s available; Gary Cooper, Dr L, Sonia Alonso - all helpful in different ways - Dr L also runs a free to access “Coffeeshop” support group which you can access by e-mail & no obligation to contribute.

@usbslot2a lot of that rings true, thank you for sharing. My relationship is on the rocks and I’m tired of being the one that’s trying to keep it together. Probably why this is so hard to stop.

Thank you @TrillingLil25I’ll have a look at those resources

My relationship is on the rocks too. This is just so so painful and I have not cried in years but am in tears the last few days about it all. I wish you all well and hope we all get through this ok.

Its like the extreme polar opposite of the ick.

(Which I also get and it’s so strong and irreversible.) Sending love to you all 💕

I have dreadful Limerence. Always have, right from my teenage days. Luckily most of them turned into genuine relationships and I was able to calm down, but the unavailability of others made me fear for my mental health.

Currently pining like a wounded puppy over a guy at work. I’m 50 fgs. He finished with me after a month which was absolutely the right thing to do as it was never going to work. I would trade everything for some attention from him right now.

I’m the same. It’s my pattern from the word go. I need to learn how other people fall in love!!

Gosh how serendipitous to have found this thread. I have been trying to understand limerence recently in light of my own feelings for my line manager at work - let’s say Tom. We have developed a strong connection and openly care for one another, and have spent a few (platonic!) evenings together when staying over for work. He is single, but caught up with mental health struggles, time and issues with his children and lives a long way away. I am married, but have not been intimate with my husband for 7 years, have separated twice and I have been trying to withdraw from the marriage. Which is another story and very challenging for a number of reasons. So it’s fair to say that a relationship would be a bit of a challenge in our real personal - and working lives.
Whilst I appreciate that my age and situation might be contributing to this, I can’t help but feel the term limerence, as applied to women in particular, reduces us to victims of a ‘disorder’ and invalidates our actual feelings. I mean, isn’t it possible that what is felt is genuine and real?? Do I have to dismiss it as something I am ‘suffering’ and just need to get over? Is it only limerence while unconsummated? I’m not sure I want to reject an emotional intimacy which I haven’t experienced for over 15 years. And I’m not sure that I should have to. It’s fair to say that thoughts of him are overwhelming my time and distracting me, that I wait with baited breath for a text (or Teams call!!😂). Isn’t that how the first stages of falling in love go though? Do I just need to act on it and resolve it one way or another?!

It's interesting as I think people are using the term limerence to essentially cover an obsessive crush or love, but true limerence as I understand it means an obsession with someone who is uninterested or has rejected you ? My situation is an obsessive crush, but it's reciprocal, so essentially I'm just trying really hard to fight the urge to have an affair. Nothing more, nothing less. I've never had such chemistry with anyone in my life. When we touch or look at each other it's completely electric, and feels like a need rather than a want. I don't think I need a diagnosis for that! Just good old fashioned sexual attraction, unfortunately with someone I can't really sleep with! So yes I think people are over using the term, but essentially I suppose we are going through the same emotions?

Yes I think that does seem to be where the line is drawn. When you’re developing an active relationship, based on shared connection and intimacy - even if platonic/ unconsummated, is that limerence?! I almost feel like the word is gaslighting me! Telling me what I feel to be real, isn’t real!!!!! And my actual marriage does that!!!!!

Limerence is an obsessive crush on someone who only exists in your imagination, you just happen to have a real person you project this fantasy on to.

That's the way I see it anyway.

I think GlassLampshades sums it up. It’s the obsessive nature as well as the fantasy element. That said in the early stages of falling for someone there’s an element of mutual fantasy I suppose…

How are we all getting on ? 3/4 months down the line im now finding this limerence/crush rather painful and the fun element has definitely fizzled out! Trying to avoid much contact but we have to at work sometimes, and message about work. Also know that he is dating other people and I don't like the thought of that. Absolutely irrational and ridiculous when I'm the married one. I have all sorts of confused mixed emotions. But the bottom line is we both know if I was single we would have had a pretty great thing, I think. But then thats the fantasy element coming in. Gah ! I honestly never ever thought I'd be in this position. It's also making me question elements of my marriage that maybe weren't as great as I thought they were, and I don't know how to stop that.

I think we're in a similar situation @Crushing25 and it feels very painful some days. I completely get where you're coming from and the whole situation has exposed things for me that haven't been great with my marriage too. I guess that's very common with midlife and being married for many years anyway.

We haven't had any proper contact for ages and he largely ignores me on social media and other groups we're on together. However, I get the feeling it's been hard for him too although I have a sneaky suspicion that he's got other 'interests' outside of his marriage. I know he went through some childhood trauma and he would also be a likely victim of limerence himself😏

Did anyone else read this article - very interesting! www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/apr/12/what-happens-when-love-tips-over-into-the-infatuated-state-of-limerence

I just wanted to recommend a book I read of the weekend. Absolutely & Forever by Rose Tremain. It really resonated with me and my experience of limerence and how delusional it is.

I just finished reading ‘smitten’ the book recommended here. It talks about the whole thing in great detail. I was nodding along but still not ready to let the little highs go.

Hopefully I will find a new way to look at it all but I now think I’m a just a love addict.

It’s all in or nothing at all.

That's a really interesting article. It's most definitely like an addiction. The problem for me is I know mine is based in reality. It's pure primal urge sexual attraction to another person and it's reciprocated, so although I do definitely have the elements of limerence (daydreams/fantasy etc) there is also the very real desire, that also acts like a drug. Gosh I couldn't even imagine telling my spouse about this. I'm surprised people do. If you're not going to act on it isn't there alot to be sod for 'what you don't know can't hurt you ' ?

I had the most enjoyable day with my ex limerent object. We were travelling for work and literally talked non stop the whole time. It was actually really lovely as I really enjoy talking to him one on one.

I don't really have a crush on him anymore, so it was much more chilled out and very nice as I wasn't tense / trying to hide my silly embarrassing feelings.

Still can't tell if he's just a really nice friendly person or if he likes me. But it doesn't matter either way.