Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

I am 50 and I would say the first one started at about 43, so you may be right!
It's pretty shit when it's your best mate though. Interestingly Interestingly I did get over the first one, nothing happened and I never said anything, just spent less time together and now we are back to normal friends and I have no feelings like that for her. So I hope the same will happen with this one but it's actually nearly three years now! But we don't see each other often, just calls

It is. Limerence is an escape mechanism and definitely not a healthy one. It is most often than not that the person is really unhappy in their marriage and instead of leaving their brain picks a face and falls into limerence which invokes hormones like dopamine. The person feels euphoria and is able to survive and not fall into depression.

@Christl78 Yes, well said! 👏

@Christl78 that makes sense. I think you could be right. Very helpful.

So my limerence is officially over.

Feeling very down without the excitement it provided however also extremely, extremely relieved that I didn't do anything during it to humiliate myself. Still got my own personal issues to deal with, but the limerence fog has completely lifted and I am just laughing at how silly I have been.

On the plus side, I look better as been making a big effort with my appearance, and am much fitter and more toned due to lots of walking and gym classes to burn off the excess energy caused by the limerence.

Hope everyone else is managing OK.

I've been wondering how everyone is getting along. Did yours just end one day? I have had a bit of contact with LO but nothing in person thank god. I'm really hoping it will have waned by the time we work together again. I've got a month !

It's been fading for a few weeks and I was getting the ick. It's now just gone. That is what has happened before so I was expecting it.

Oh God that is great news. What caused the revulsion? Was it just something small that turned the tide?

Amazing how these things can go as quick and they came on.

Thanks very much for the update x x

It's nothing really logical, just like nothing really logical starts it. I see it as something like a hormonal madness.

Ah good for you @GlassLampshades ! That must be a relief ( whilst also being a bit flat that the 'high' has gone).

Mine still going strong.

Sigh.

Saw him last week in person and the feeling when eye contact was made was incredibly intense. Uncomfortable actually. But equally probably prolonged too.

Been a bit better with a bit of distance but been on two long calls with him today. Going through stress at work together again and trying to navigate it together. Also been on a few projects together and we do, thankfully, work brilliantly as a team.

He said today that I was looking really good - then qualified it quickly with 'for someone who's as stressed out as you' (he's very complimentary on my looks indirectly quite often). Obviously limerent twat me is chuffed and holds onto that thought all day. Sigh.

Distance is easier though.

Well hopefully this will happen to me. I'm finding it quite hard some days. Switch between absolutely cringing, feeling quite upset, and still enjoying the fuzzy feelings and excitement. Plus guilt. It's really the weirdest experience. Right now I can't see mine fading much.

Oh dear missfliss sorry to hear it's still going strong for you. I'm really worried how intense my feelings could be when I see mine in person again. Dreading making eye contact and wonder if we even will tbh. It's the 'what could be' that I'm finding hard to deal with and move on from, sound like yours is similar as you know it's at least somewhat reciprocated.

Yeah I'm sure it's reciprocated- although I doubt very much that he's mooning around after me in his spare moments. I think when I'm there I'm there and when I'm not I'm probably out of mind.

How did you leave it with yours @Crushing25 ?

Haha. Nice post.
Mine has gone as well. It was a mechanism, a mind game to help me get over my hubby’s cheaitng and betrayal, the loss of a baby, the emd of my marriage. And worked well.
I don’t know why “I chose” this poor man who has no idea he was my limerence object lol. If only he knew he would have freaked out at my obsession 😂.
Thank God he doesn’t. In any case he remains a charming man and I am curious to meet him now and understand why I picked up him as LO. But the real him, not the one I built in my head. And now I see him as any other interesting man.

However, this dopamine rush made me go to the gym, lose fat, tone, buy new clothes, gave a me glow and a new found confidence. Amazing 😄. Love it.

I tried to keep it friendly over a message as I couldn't face working together again having not spoken at all. It 50% worked. No other contact since so I'm doing ok on squashing it on that front. I'm similar to you in that I think/know he does have an attraction but highly doubt he's thinking of me daily. He doesn't contact me, but then if he did it would either turn into full blown EA territory. Or he's just not that interested. I'm telling myself the later. Embarrassing.

It is embarrassing isn't it.

Honestly.

I've started looking into more social activities for spring - and finally have a trial booked for a local sports team activity that I hope will give me some community and distraction.

Objectively he is handsome, charming funny etc - so I don't think I'll get feel repelled - but maybe not obsessed would be nice.

FFS

Also - if I'm being honest it's the ego boost of feeling beautiful, desired and cared for.

So more about me than him in reality really.

Yes I have also started doing a lot more socially and taken up new hobbies. I think if I'm honest I've been quite bored in my life for a while. Something was definitely missing and I think it's that I lost my sense of self. I'm stuck in a certain stage that I know will pass eventually. I just want my marriage to be in tact when it does! It's also helped me massively losing the extra weight I was carrying and actually taking care of myself again. So not all bad at all.

The exact same here @Crushing25 - down to the weight loss and self care too.
I'm nearly the same size as I was in 2011 when we married.

Very weird to be looking better at nearly 50 than I did at 40 ( not just the weight - strength training and knowing how to dress / look after my health etc)

The glow up effect is really interesting isn’t it? I’ve had to contact mine for three separate unavoidable work related things recently, it’s always been me to initiate the query so I’m all paranoid he thinks I’m stalking him, tho if for another colleague I’d not be concerned at all….

I'm also enjoying the ego boost of a younger guy finding me attractive (I'm 53). It has inspired me to make the most of myself - I'm dressing better and looking better.

I also recognise there's an element of me being stuck in a rut and bored currently and I need to get myself out there with a new hobby or interests.

I will be happy though when the guy moves out of my head! Even on holiday I went to book my desk for when I'm back in work and noticed he's not in when I am so that was a bit of a downer as I won't see him for 3 weeks. It's all a
bit ridiculous really .

Do you think it is all because it is ‘not allowed’ that’s why the obsession starts?

No. It’s mostly because it is out of reach so no risk of getting hurt etc. it’s just an ego boost and some dopamine supply

10 years!

I'm in the early throws of this. I can't concentrate now!

People seriously underestimate changing hormones. It's a crazy time. I just need to curtail it slightly but part of me is really enjoying it!

I'm interested to know how those of you who got past limerance feel now if / when you see the person you once desired? As in, do you feel awkward? Do you feel totally normal, as you would with anyone else? Or do you try to avoid them altogether?

I got over my crush a few years ago and now haven't seen him for about a year and a half. Will likely see him at an event I have coming up and feel a little bit anxious about it. Not that it will kick it all off again - I am over it thank god. Just embarrassment and awkwardness I suppose.

As much as I thought I hid it well at the time, looking back it must have been blindingly obvious that I had a crush. It's all just very, very embarrassing and I don't think I'll ever be able to feel normal and relaxed in his company. I'll probably end up trying to avoid bumping into him the whole evening!