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Original poster

My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

261 replies

Shakespeareandi · 23/12/2024 05:55

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

OP posts:
Fuzziduck · 23/12/2024 06:01

I would say investigating the parental laws of the country you live in are key.
I'm UK based and have a few couple friends that have divorced and split 50/50 and it works well.
M parent A
T parent A
W parent b
T parent b
F alternate
S alternate
S alternate

As a starter you could put all the info into Chat GBT to see what AI kicks out.

MinnieMountain · 23/12/2024 06:05

Are you married? It sounds like not, but not 100% clear.

Ponderingwindow · 23/12/2024 06:06

The two of you will need to negotiate a custody agreement that is in the best interest of your children. 50% is a good starting point as long as it means he isn’t trying to cherry-pick the easier, cheaper parenting days.

are you married? That is going to play heavily into whether or not it matters that your name is not in the house.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 23/12/2024 06:08

50% is often the starting point now, yes.

You really do need to see a lawyer.

TurningPointe · 23/12/2024 06:09

Whether you are married is the most relevant thing.

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2024 06:09

Just say 'you know what, that would be great, I've really been needing more down days to relax lately. What days would you like?'.

I know his sort. He wants to inconvenience you. So the second he thinks what he wants will make your life EASIER...he'll change his mind. Or, soon there after. Probably pretend he still wants 50/50 right up until he's meant to have them one day as you've a girls weekend booked, then he'll cancel at the last minute.

Alternatively, go along with it and see how long it actually lasts. Because unless his new woman is going to babysit all the time, realistically, do you think he'll actually want to be bothered?
He'll shit on whatever you agree to.

Learn reverse psychology. Always bare in mind his motives. Which will include, controlling and inconveniencing you and, bigging himself up as a 'good dad' to his new partner. Probably preserving his money too.

Speak to a solicitor regarding the house. If you've been paying bills for years, you'll likely have a claim. Divorce if you are married, that'll force separation of assets. Prioritise earning.

category12 · 23/12/2024 06:11

He can have them 50/50 most likely.

It might partly be so he doesn't have to pay child support.

I'm really sorry, you're having a horrible time.

Are you claiming everything you can? If you're on a low wage as a single parent, you might be eligible for a UC top-up.

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2024 06:16

Also i could be wrong here but, child support can be backdated right?

So if you have written evidence (eg: the text of him asking for 50/5) showing that up till now, you've been the primary caregiver-put a claim in for cms ASAP.

Don't worry about upsetting him. You have to remember, he means you harm - regardless of what you do. You will never be able to make yourself small enough to appease him. Compromises and kindness, only show weakness to him and he will attack weakness.

'War is upon you, whether you wish it or not'. Comes to mind.

Some solicitors I believe allow a free half hour slot with them. So maybe look into that. Find out what you're owed regarding the house.

Arrivederla · 23/12/2024 06:26

No one can give you any useful advice until we know whether or not you're married

RoachFish · 23/12/2024 06:47

He most likely will get 50/50 when it comes to the children. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t get any maintenance though, if he earns considerably more than you then you will still be entitled to some. If you know his salary then put it into the .uk.gov child maintenance calculator to get an idea.

Regarding the assets, it’s entirely dependent on if you are married or not. If not and the house is only his then you have no claim to it. If you are married you will be entitled to at least half of the equity, but you would have to buy him out to stay in the house.

biscuitsandbooks · 23/12/2024 06:54

Are you married?

Yes, he can ask for 50/50 and it's likely he'll get it.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/12/2024 07:10

Why would you not want him to have his children 50% of the time? If his alcoholism makes him unfit to care for them, fair enough, but many functioning alcoholics are also parents.

The best interests of the children are what’s important, not the fact you (understandably) hate him for having an affair.

Piggled · 23/12/2024 07:20

50:50 is the starting point for both child arrangements and finances in a divorce. It doesn’t sound like OP is married though.

it also isn’t always necessarily the end point. If OP is married she may get the house depending on the other matrimonial assets. 50:50 can be departed from on a needs basis, so if she needed to stay in the house as primary carer of the children she would have an argument for that.

not married then very little rights over the property, unless you want to go down the TOLATA route and try to argue you have a beneficial interest in the house. OP have you been paying towards it? Even if you aren’t named on the deeds or mortgage?

the problem of course is, legal fees are expensive.

LyricalGangsta · 23/12/2024 07:21

We have always done "50/50"
We do a week on and a week off so the kids can actually settle a bit but they are dropped to me before school and come to me afterwards where he then picks them up from after work
School holidays then also fall on me but this way he doesn't have to pay me anything because they sleep at his house for half the nights of the year.
So I do about 75% while he does 25% and has to officially contribute nothing.
He also has the audacity to then suggest we go Dutch on things like shoes or other expensive items despite earning 3 times what I do.

So my advice would be, just make sure it really is 50/50!

category12 · 23/12/2024 07:22

@FlatWhiteExtraHot I don't think that's fair, it's just upsetting to face not having your children at home half the time.

Aside from it's perfectly reasonable to be concerned if he's an alcoholic, as "functional" often deteriorates.

hattie43 · 23/12/2024 07:26

Being as the OP can't house her children he may go for 100% custody .

Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2024 07:26

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2024 06:09

Just say 'you know what, that would be great, I've really been needing more down days to relax lately. What days would you like?'.

I know his sort. He wants to inconvenience you. So the second he thinks what he wants will make your life EASIER...he'll change his mind. Or, soon there after. Probably pretend he still wants 50/50 right up until he's meant to have them one day as you've a girls weekend booked, then he'll cancel at the last minute.

Alternatively, go along with it and see how long it actually lasts. Because unless his new woman is going to babysit all the time, realistically, do you think he'll actually want to be bothered?
He'll shit on whatever you agree to.

Learn reverse psychology. Always bare in mind his motives. Which will include, controlling and inconveniencing you and, bigging himself up as a 'good dad' to his new partner. Probably preserving his money too.

Speak to a solicitor regarding the house. If you've been paying bills for years, you'll likely have a claim. Divorce if you are married, that'll force separation of assets. Prioritise earning.

Or his sort is a father who does love and want to have joint custody and 50% time with his children. That type. How sad you don't seem to have any men in your life that are that type.

@Shakespeareandi If he genuinely wants 50% then courts do thier best to facilitate this. As regards finances and the house etc advice will vary depending on whether you are actually married. If you could indicate the situation you will get a better idea. If married it won't matter as much if the house is solely in his name on the deeds. If you aren't the position is different. Paying bills only would not automatically give you any claim on the property despite what some people think.

Chowtime · 23/12/2024 07:29

ex-what?

Afraidofhimrightnow · 23/12/2024 07:30

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/12/2024 07:10

Why would you not want him to have his children 50% of the time? If his alcoholism makes him unfit to care for them, fair enough, but many functioning alcoholics are also parents.

The best interests of the children are what’s important, not the fact you (understandably) hate him for having an affair.

Op has shared her belief that what's best for the children is a primary home.

Original poster
Shakespeareandi · 23/12/2024 07:36

Thank yiu for responding. We are not married.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2024 07:36

Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2024 07:26

Or his sort is a father who does love and want to have joint custody and 50% time with his children. That type. How sad you don't seem to have any men in your life that are that type.

@Shakespeareandi If he genuinely wants 50% then courts do thier best to facilitate this. As regards finances and the house etc advice will vary depending on whether you are actually married. If you could indicate the situation you will get a better idea. If married it won't matter as much if the house is solely in his name on the deeds. If you aren't the position is different. Paying bills only would not automatically give you any claim on the property despite what some people think.

Edited
Show quote history

I have lot of decent men in my life, thanks.

Did you actually read ops full post? She says he has threatened to make her homeless so he can take the kids full time.

I'm saying he's a bastard who means her harm - because he is a bastard who means her harm.

So stop jumping to conclusions there sparky.

Original poster
Shakespeareandi · 23/12/2024 07:38

Fuzziduck · 23/12/2024 06:01

I would say investigating the parental laws of the country you live in are key.
I'm UK based and have a few couple friends that have divorced and split 50/50 and it works well.
M parent A
T parent A
W parent b
T parent b
F alternate
S alternate
S alternate

As a starter you could put all the info into Chat GBT to see what AI kicks out.

Thank you, will use AI. That's a good idea.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2024 07:39

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2024 07:36

I have lot of decent men in my life, thanks.

Did you actually read ops full post? She says he has threatened to make her homeless so he can take the kids full time.

I'm saying he's a bastard who means her harm - because he is a bastard who means her harm.

So stop jumping to conclusions there sparky.

Edited
Show quote history

I suggest you read the rest of the thread

Original poster
Shakespeareandi · 23/12/2024 07:40

Should have added we are not married but have been together for 16 years.

OP posts:
BilboBlaggin · 23/12/2024 07:40

50:50 is the starting point, and as an equal parent there's no reason why he shouldn't apply for this, despite his behaviour. Is he capable of actually caring for them this often though? How would he manage it around his work etc?

I think you've got a big fight on your hands OP. Being unmarried puts you at a huge disadvantage, especially if he decides to kick you out of what is essentially "his" house. Have you contributed equally to the mortgage over the years, and do you have proof of that?

Edited due to cross posting with OP.