My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

[Shakespeareandi]

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

@Startinganew32 yes, I agree it's unusual but that doesn't mean it's okay for people to sleepwalk into legally binding contracts by virtue of having a baby with someone.

While lots of women like OP would benefit from marriage, there are also many who have had babies with abusive partners and who have been incredibly glad not to be married as it made the separation a lot less complicated.

If someone wants the protection of marriage then they need to take responsibility and not have children without it.

Yup, I know that.

I’m just absolutely fed up of men (and it is mainly men) pulling this sh*t time and time again. Legally it is his house, but how crap do you need to be as a person to do that to your partner and kids? Now I’ve read the rest of OP’s posts he is an absolute bastard and fits neatly into the category of useless man. The CB is in his name? Why? Why has he done that? And his not declaring all his income? Classic bastard. I’m willing to take money on his 50:50 will be the kids being left with the OW and her kids so he won’t actually being seeing them at all.

You have 2 children who are old enough to say what they want to do. I did 50/50 with their dad when we split up. I have a teenage DS and it didn’t work for him. So we changed it to be less time at dads. It was very hard for me doing 50/50 but I didn’t disagree because what right do I have to see my children more than their dad. It was only when my DS became upset with it because of school that I raised the issue and then they did 3 nights at dads and 4 nights with me. Also in your situation I wouldn’t rock the boat as he is paying the mortgage.

This is a big mess OP.

No marriage = no divorce settlement. He doesn't owe you anything from the house, pensions or savings.

Low official income = low (legally mandated) child maintenance.

You need to maximise your income as soon as possible. Sort some housing out. What family do you have? Will they help?

If you can appeal to his better nature that may be the best way. Even a few thousand to "keep you sweet" is likely more than you're legally entitled to. Take anything he offers now over a promise for the future which can be changed.

Also speak to Citizens Advice.

A father has just as much right to see his children as the mother, regardless of what he has done, or the reasons for the breakup. Generally speaking, a good father will not love the children any less and often the mother wants more than 50/50 due to maintenance support ( IMO )

My parents split when i was young and i spent 50/50 with my mum and dad and personally, i loved it and found it exciting and really ' cool' that i had two homes, so I don't believe it always has an adverse effect on the children.

50:50 childcare is often about not paying child support or spousal maintenance. Do you think this is the case here?

They're not married so there isn't any spousal maintenance. The child maintenance bit is fairly likely though.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I start work at 10 today, so I won't be able to check or respond to replies until later. It seems I've been foolish and now have to face the consequences. I'm not a vindictive person; I love my children and I want to have a good co-parenting relationship with him. He has hurt me beyond what I thought imaginable. If it 50/50 custody is what it is, then we'll get through it.
My 14 year old would never want to hurt or disappoint her dad so even though she has said she wants to live more with me (to me), that won't happen for now anyway. I feel so broken.
He seems to function fine drinking so not my place to say anything, unless something
changes.

2025 looks like it could be incredibly challenging, I feel sick and I'm not sure where to find the strength to get through it. I'm not naturally a fighter, hate conflict, and I feel lost.

Again, I'll read and respond later.

Regardless of the legalities, I've known a few families where Daddy has moved in with "best friends mothers" and expect instant happy blended families, as all the kids are friends.
It backfired hugely in every case I know with the school involved due to bullying. Violence between the kids leading to school moves in one case.
You need to be the stable and reliable parent and support your DC though what maybe a total emotional shit shown for them. Find your anger and be strong for your DC.

Good luck OP, I'm sure you'll manage to get sorted.

And what about the woman in an abusive relationship who earns or owns more than the man? This would fuck her over just as royally. Opt out is a stupid idea. What's needed is more education for both boys and girls about the legalities and risks of cohabitation and raising children together. Boys should grow up being taught they have a financial and legal obligation to any children they father. Girls should grow up learning how vulnerable they are when they stop or reduce work to raise children.

OP your ex partner can not be 'cured' of alcoholism.
I'm an ex alcoholic but it never leaves you. I'm not suggesting he's dangerous but do not think he will be safe around alcohol. I'm interested to know if the OW drinks because if she does that isn't good. Co dependancy could cause problems for your DC. You need to have a stable situation for them. Keep an eye on it.

You would not lose the children as you too would be able to have residential rights. You however need to see what universal credit including housing element you would be entitled to so that you can work out what you can afford to rent. Depending where you live there may even be social housing available.

Could you please do one thing today.
Apply for the child benefit for all three kids

Its can take up to 8 weeks to sort
start the ball rolling and one less thing of your daunting task ahead.

There have been many others on here that have got through tough challenges with advice and support.
Work your way through things and come here for moral support .

You can do it OP .

They (men) often demand 50-50 to frighten, hurt the woman or not pay maintenance. What a load of rubbish. Some men may do in the minority - but can you say no women demand more than 50-50 to get more CM or simply because they 'can't live without their kids'? Why do we firstly assume men love their children any less than women?

This sort of mentality is what harms children, causing them to 'choose' which parent they want to live with.

Way to go 'grown ups'.

I am really sorry to say but the children feeling a certain house is their home (as has been the case in most splits - even actual divorces - has no actual bearing on what the parents are entitled to financially in the aptitude.

@Shakespeareandi Horrifying to read this.

Sounds like you are utterly dependent on this man..WHY does the child benefit go to him?

He knew damn well what he was doing not marrying you and not having you on the mortgage or deeds..he KNEW it would give him power.

Why oh why do women have children before marriage..it leaves them so utterly vulnerable to stuff like this.

Men can and do change their minds.

A relative knows a very wealthy woman {think uber wealthy parent who has given her millions} She has children with a man and has deliberately NOT married her partner as by doing so, in a divorce, he would have a claim on her massive wealth.

You are in a really awful situation.

Definitely you need legal advice.. could Citizens advice help?

Well they wouldn’t be sleepwalking into anything. It would just allow someone who has financially compromised themselves for the good of the family to make a claim for a share of the house. So it wouldn’t make splits any more complex - not like getting divorced.

Couldn't agree more.

I hate that life is geared so much towards men, even in this day and age. Even if you're married, but especially if you're not. Why shouldn't women choose not to get married? Why shouldn't they be able to choose to stay at home in full agreement with a partner at the time? Why can't this be recognised and people be held accountable to their agreements and responsibilities without the singular grand institution of marriage? Before anyone comes for me I realise that that's just the way it is - and whining about it won't change the current laws.

I'm in a similar position to OP - except I am on the deeds to the house. I will likely lose out as I put a much bigger deposit into the house in the first place and it will be split 50:50. We aren't splitting but I am very aware of how trapped I am.

People here are very quick to sneer at women who made choices in their lives to have children with men they loved and thought they could trust. It's easily done when you're young and in love. The facts are the facts but they can be delivered a little more graciously in some cases.

Exactly.

threatening to make homeless so they can have the kids 100% of the time is abusive bastard 101.

OP I’m sorry but it sounds like you’re in for a rough ride.

you are going to have to keep your nose cleaner than clean. Don’t rise to anything. Be polite and pleasant in all communications.

who have the children spent most of their time with? Have you both worked always? What’s the day to day situation before he left?

all of this will be relevant if it goes to court.

if it’s been mainly you looking after the children then the courts would potentially want to keep it that way.

Are you claiming the child benefit? If not try to become the claimant - you’re going to need it when he kicks you out - without if you will only get hosing benefit for 1 bedroom. Sort child benefit asap if you’re not the recipient.

I too know someone who has {is having} an affair with the mother of their children's ''best friends''.

It isn't easy, at all.

The children involved have really suffered emotionally {father's children in particular}- and the kids can and do often fight.

It was this that stopped both parties moving in with each other, wrangling 5 teenagers one house..Nightmare.

Actually it's his house, they aren't married so she has no claim on it.

We don't need new laws. People need to look out for their rights and when the woman is the lower earner, she needs to not have kids or give up work until married, for her own protection.

I've never heard of child benefit being given to the man??

I thought historically it was given to the woman so she could buy things for the children without having to bow and scrape to the man for money for kid's shoes and clothes?

{This is what Mum told me years ago}

Maybe back then more women were ''stay at home mothers'' when children were young}