My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

[Shakespeareandi]

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

Yes - I know, that's exactly what all my responses have said, lol.

So sorry I meant to type 'serious' not stupid!!!
As in they should take it seriously!

The trouble is that alcoholism is easy to hide unless it has reached the stage of being arrested for drunk and disorderly in public.

It’s also an easy false allegation for a malicious ex to make - several women have started threads where their ex has claimed in court they are an alcoholic because they go out to pubs / clubs with female friends.

This means that when a claim of alcoholism is made in the course of child custody proceedings, the courts require evidence of how it impacts the children which can be difficult to obtain / prove.

@CandidHedgehog I mentioned this precisely because they are not married. She has contributed to the home by paying bills etc. The person I previously mentioned is also not married and that is the reason she registered an interest. The ex in that case has not been able to sell the home from under her. I've said it several times on this thread, legal advice is absolutely necessary.

I think some younger women who are now under less pressure to procreate and generally have earning parity with men are deliberately not marrying as they assume they won't stay married for life or even their children's childhoods.
They are staying in work and taking responsibility for their own finances and pensions etc.

I'm sorry op please don't feel it's your fault, it's a tale as old as time and it's hard to find decent men to have kids with who are committed to their children and the mother of their children.

All you can do is keep calm, don't fear the worst, but think about any options you might have depending on what actions he might take. It does sound like he can kick you out of his house whenever he likes, but I do know of women in your situation who are housed for their children's childhoods and continue to stay in their ex partners/the family home, but this can lead to a very unhealthy dynamic because the man has all the control all of the time. Very stressful and sometimes hitting rock bottom and then building yourself up is better than being under a decade of control and never knowing if you will be turfed out at any point.

Hope it works out ok for you, you sound lovely and being naive shouldn't be something to be beating yourself up about

50% is the starting point unless there's good reason why not it is likely to be awarded

It’s not the starting point for all dc. Older dc are listened to and often they prefer one resident parent. Shared care is the starting position and that’s not necessarily 50% in each home.

I'm a dad of a 6yr old and was my daughter's primary carer for 4yrs. It was my ex who started seeing someone who she worked with and asked me to move out December last year. It was going 'OK-ish' for a while where I would pick my daughter up from school three times per week and take her home to our old house and cook her tea, do homework, bathe her and put her to bed while her mum was at work. That all changed during the summer holidays and the new guy started moving his stuff in... By the time it was the new term mum cited 'a right to privacy' and wouldn't introduce me to him, despite our daughter being desperate for us to meet. I was relegated to seeing my daughter once per week, picking her up on the Friday after school and then her mum picking her up from mine at 5pm on the Saturday. I wanted to have her stay with me more, as she was also asking to stay, but her mum just said 'it's easier at weekends' and wouldn't engage in negotiations. We started using Our family Wizard to communicate and then access was limited to once every two weeks, still citing a right to privacy and that it was easier, having blocked my number and not really responding to anything via the software.

It really should be 50/50 from the outset, unless there is neglect or abuse. It should be an expectation that both parents will be responsible. Over time, if one parent starts to perform poorly, then access should be eroded.

No (decent) father wants to be a weekend park/ice cream dad, they want to be there for all the events, home work, teeth falling out, birthdays, nativities, plays etc - clearing up mess and just spending time with their children.

I've since applied for a C100 for joint custody, which i really didn't want to do as I want peace and flexibility.

I don't think it makes sense to just lump mum with the kids and all the responsibility and then expect her to seek mediation or money via CSA and chase the father for help financially or for child care.

I know it seems a bit simple and B&W, but on the front of the court order it states that parents have a duty of care to their children, even when it's very difficult to communicate and the court should be the last option.

Putting the children first and setting your own feelings aside is a must, but it's not easy, and for some it just descends into legalities. That person who you thought you knew shows a very different side to who you thought they were, and I'm sure in some cases visa versa.

Thankfully I have my daughter from 4pm tomorrow until Saturday, so all is not lost. Thankfully she's totally unaware of the communication difficulties between her mum and me and loves us both dearly - long may it continue.

I hope you find a way to resolve things x

Just to let you know that you can get free legal advice, search McKenzie friends in your area and contact them, also I'm sorry for what you're going through and he sounds a bit of a twot but he is the father and if he's always been in their lives then shouldn't he carry on seeing them?

My god do you have to sound quite so smug

some really good advice on here

When I got divorced the court said they didn’t like 50/50 and they wanted the children to have one home. This was a good few years ago though. If it ends up in court then as scary as it sounds please represent yourself . I did it and it saved me a fortune and I had a complex situation . It could be useful to get some advice but it’s quite straightforward really . He will pay maintenance, and have a charge on the property, but you should be able to stay in until the youngest is 18. Assuming that 50/50 isn’t agreed on in the end . Often they say 50/50 and they don’t want it when they realise they have to do half of the school runs, childcare, less socialising etc . If you have been contributing to the household then you will be entitled to money from the house.
Few things though :
Are you married?
What do the kids want?
Do you work?
Are you sure 50/50 wouldn’t suit you? You will need a break yourself.
They won’t make you leave the family home unless you have too many bedrooms and it sounds like you won’t with three kids.

Sorry it’s so stressful and so shit . Stay strong. There is some good advice online thesedays but also make sure you reach out to friends for support. Sending love x

Have a look at what Employee assistance / support / advice program your employer has.

if you’re in the public sector then you almost certainly have access to one. They’re a bit like a private version of Citizens Advice.

They're confidential, the company just gets usage stats - not names / roles. Great alternative way of getting some legal advice to massively cut solicitor bills, and also more morale support.

My daughter essentially lived with me and went to her Dad’s approx 3 nights a week. It’s the best you can make of a situation that no one sets out to be in when they first have children. I thought we’d done very well bringing her up, stayed on good terms etc. However when she bought her first home at 21 I’ll never forget what she said to me when I asked how she was feeling living on her alone. This was her reply:
”I love it, putting my key in my own door every night,sleeping in the same bed every night, not feeling like a bag lady moving from one house to another, remembering flute, pe kit, etc etc”. I suddenly made me very aware of how unsettling this can be for youngsters and later in life, when I working in a school 6th form, often had young people in tears who were moving between 2 homes, forgotten their revision notes etc during A level exams. We occasionally suggested perhaps they stay with one parent over the exam period, but often the parents were inflexible.

Sorry you are going through such a hard time OP.

Not read the full thread so apologises if someone has said this already. Depending on how many hours you do you may be entitled to claim universal credit. If you do need to private rent this will be taken into account when it is calculated.
For forward planning I would get an idea of how much a house is in your area to rent. Then use a benefits calculator such as ‘entitled to’ input roughly what rent you may have to pay. You should get a rough idea of how much/if you are able to claim.

@VBL ?? She’s not married. She’s not in the deeds or the mortgage. Your situation was entirely different. It’s unlikely she can stay in his property until youngest is 18. This rarely happens in divorces either as both parties need rehousing.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband cheated on me two years ago and we have been sort of in a silent divorce ever since - with stupid me desperately hoping our marriage will be saved and clawing for any scrap of affection and him just sharing the space and not giving me what I need.

if you need someone to talk to about how it feels to still love someone after they cheated and get some support message me. Good luck.

@VBL if you just read the OPs updates you will see that they are not married, the house isn't hers, the kids do want to stay with her, she works and her husband hides income so there won’t be any child maintenance. Your situation is completely different and OP won’t be allowed to stay in the house until her youngest is 18. It’s not very helpful to tell her that the courts don’t like 50/50 and she will get to stay in the house when that isn’t her reality. If her ex wants 50/50 he will most likely get it because he has a stable home and lots of time.

So sorry you are going through this.

You need legal advice. Does your employer offer an employee assistance program? If so, you could get legal advice from there?

@RoachFish You are not necessarily correct about 59/50. The oldest child has opinions that matter. The courts take that into account. It’s not just about the financial position of the father and he has the dc of his new partner too. What children want also matters. It’s not all about money and what a parent wants.

Im so sorry op. I pray things change

50/50 is the starting point for a separation. It’s unfortunate OP that he’s the sole proprietor of the family home. See decent solicitor who specialises in family law. Some firms do offer a free half hour. Don’t let him brow beat you into believing he’s got the whip hand here.

Apply for the child benefit in your name @Shakespeareandi .

Unfortunately he does, though. They're not married, OP isn't on the deeds or the mortgage and has only ever financially contributed to the bills.

She's in a very, very vulnerable position.

Yes exactly
He has the whip hand massively because OP had made herself so vulnerable and if she doesn't understand this she's in even more of a mess.