My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

[Shakespeareandi]

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

Yes, sorry should have said we are not.

Don't trust the answer you get out of AI. It is trained on US law not UK.

Can you get a job? What are you qualified to do? If you are not married you have no claim on the house and you need to earn as much as possible as soon as possible to get your own place.

I agree with others that 50/50 is the default for kids and let him do that. Chances are he will then opt for less.

Theres nothing said the mitigate the circumstances of a man who threatens to make the mother of his children homeless.

You can't say that that's a 'good dad' who 'only cares about his kids wellbeing'.

Not unless he felt she was abusing them or something and he wanted full custody of them so needed the family home. Nothing in ops post suggests that.

My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way

Did he now? And you didn't check that, or query it

Anyway, its done now. The answer to your question is that Yes, he can apply to have the kids 50% of the time. Let him come up with a plan to show you what he's going to do to facilitate having the kids 50% of the time and work from there.

She chose to be in an unmarried relationship and have children. It is unfortunate and indeed rather sad she was unaware of the financial implications of not buying a property together

50/50 is the starting point, unless you can prove there is a reason he would be an unfit parent (and I don't just mean because he acted badly towards you and cheated). If he is able to keep the children safe, warm, fed and meet their needs then he is suitable for 50% after all he is their parent too.

You are in a very precarious position for your housing security right now, you need to make sorting that your priority..

Re: children, the court will do what is best for their welfare. There is a presumption equal time with both parents is usually what is best but NOT if it is not best for those children in the individual circumstances.
it will consider the welfare checklist when making such decisions. I would argue being an alcoholic, he is unsuitable to a an equal shared care arrangement. What your children want is also a key factor depending on their ages.

if unmarried you can make financial claims on behalf of your children - see schedule 1 of the children act. They’re relatively rare and tend to be used on the more extreme end of the spectrum, so one parent with care of the children can’t house them, or the paying parent is very wealthy and the other is not.

it is possible, for you to make a schedule 1 claim for the house to be held on trust for the children, so they can live in it until they turn 18. If you were primary carer that may also include you in terms of being able to stay living there. However it depends on so many factors, especially if he has a shared care arrangement this may not be a suitable option.

I really would see a lawyer, as obviously no one can actually advise without knowing the detail of your case. I can only give very basic information.

He would be granted 50/50. The 14yo is considered legally old enough to choose how much contact to have with each parent - even zero if they want.
In your shoes I’d be looking at housing benefit /Universal Credit before your ex makes you homeless. He lied to you about the better rate - SAHM with zero income can be on the mortgage without consequence (I assume you don’t have debt issues)

It isn’t her house, I have to assume you would give someone else your home and pay the mortgage for them, as otherwise you would be a bastard who means harm.

Personally I think it's better if the children stay in the house and the parents move back and forth 50/50 or 70/30 etc. The children are the priority here.

Spend the money on a solicitor. It's his house, if he has the space for the children in his new home there is nothing stopping him from selling it. You need to make finding somewhere to live a priority.

I don't think it's fair on the children to be constantly packing and unpacking bags. It's hard enough for them to come to terms with their dad leaving. And I didn't leave; I never asked him to go.
I don't hate him—maybe I'm in denial—but I love and miss him and our family.
Yes, he can function quite well when he's drunk, but things like time-keeping and homework go out the window when he's drinking. When he drank before, he would keep the kids up very late, spend a lot of time scrolling on his phone, and not care about their homework. There was never any point in him going to school meetings since he didn't have a clue about how they were doing at school, even though he expected them to do well. I do homework with them and enjoy it.
But he has many other good sides, he is a "fun dad" when we take them out.

Youre ignoring the context. He threatened her. This isn't just someone saying 'you need to move, here's 3 months notice'. It's someone who is trying to control her through fear. Decent people don't do that.

Quite simply, you have no choice and he knows it. If you don't agree to 50/50 you'll find yourself homeless.

Do you have home insurance? Check to see if it includes free access to a legal helpline. Most do. I found mine incredibly helpful which saved me a lot of money.

Basically explore every route to free legal help before you start spending money on this. Because I suspect that you're not going to get anything in the way of good news.

It’s his house and you are not married; the length of time you have been together is irrelevant in this case. He could throw you out tomorrow. Any chance of orders to stay in the home are vanishingly small, I wouldn’t put any hope on this.

I agree sorting housing is a priority.

My kids are teenagers and lots of their friends are from divorced families. They're all 50% shared custody. It seemed to work ok. It's not easy but it's more common than not. Sorry OP. X

Lots of things here. Firstly you need to separate the children and the finances.

You're not married so in a very precarious situation. You need to sit down and discuss with him what you can do re the house. Sell and split the proceeds would be the best option. But as you're not on the mortgage then that depends on his goodwill.

Secondly you need to find out what you're entitled to benefits wise.

Re the dc, he has as much right to have the children 50% of the time as you do. This might also enable you to earn more, work full time or shifts.

My ex and I have one week on, one week off and although I found it difficult at the time and didn't really want to do this, it's actually worked out well for everyone, especially the dc.

It really should need saying btw but, if I stepped out on my wife, destroyed my marriage and left my wife with the kids and then threatened to take the house so the court awarded me full custody and she couldn't have them - that would make me a bastard.

A decent man, arguably, wouldn't cheat in the first place but, say does and then he leaves. Surely, he would want the mother of his children to have a roof over her head whilst she watches the children. That's the bare minimum a moral person would do. His ex cares for his kids and dud him no wrong... so he should want whats best for her because its also best for his kids.

Now, if he can't afford it, maybe that changes things. But you have an adult discussion. You don't threaten, coerce or bully her.

How old are your kids what do they want. Mine at 14 and 10 and would absolutely die if they had to do this. I force them out one day in week and one night for tea. I've had the 1 night off where I could go out to the pub last night and that was great

Is he on the Birth certificates? Or has he got legal parental responsibility?

He might be trying to minimise child support.
50:50 can work well, but he would need to actually parent for his 50%, including sickness/homework etc. and his 50% would split weekends, holidays etc 50% too. Ideally they keep clothes at both places, replaced by both parents equally.
I would get a legal agreement drawn up.

What do your DC want ? The older ones should have a say .
I know for some people 50/50 seems to work but the 2 families I know who do it , the DC absolutely hate moving to and from the houses .
In both cases it’s to avoid paying CM .

I do work, I work part-time and will soon do full-time. I work in public service, don't want to be too specific as quite outing. I'm a middle manager earning £15 an hour. There's very little movement from this point. My managers are very qualified, double PhD's and over 20 years in the job. They really are amazing. I was a SAHM for 6 years. My ex never wanted me to go back to work. He said we didnt need the money and not to worry about a pension as we (he) had investments we would live off.
I also suffer from low self-esteem, not a natural leader at all, and have pushed myself to be where I am now. I don't know what jobs I could even look at which could mean more money, I'm mid 40's. I have a degree in subject similar to life sciences. I feel really alone. Looking at some the replies on here, I could:

1, Become homeless (if he tells me to leave the house)
2, Lose the children as I'd be homeless

What a mess. I've gone from having a family, a home, to sitting on my own on Christmas day as he is taking the children to see his family.

I'm so worried and looks like I have no rights.

Yes.

He can do everything he has threatened to do.

You are in a very vulnerable situation.

I understand that you feel that children should not have to move between households etc but realistically you have no way to stop him.

My DD is a family barrister and many families do not do 50/50. This is because the person with a better job often cannot manage it with work commitments . They have early starts and late finishes or commute. The better off engage care and others get family to do it. Many people agree a split of 5/9 nights in a 14 day period for this reason. Many people cannot just give up work arrangements or cgdbge them to facilitate 50:50. Even when it’s agreed it ends up being abused by one party.

Also the older child here will have an opinion. They are older. 50/50 can be disruptive during the week if one parent is not near schools. Dc want school clubs and friends and have a stable home/school relationship. This means parents don’t share out dc like a packet of sweets. Also the resident parent matters for benefits. So a lot of 50/50 arrangements are poor for the less well off parent. I think that’s why many actually avoid it.

As op is not married, he rights are reduced. She doesn’t have a home and needs to sort that first. I’m staggered that women still do this to themselves.

@Shakespeareandi

I don't think it's fair on the children to be constantly packing and unpacking bags

Why do they need to pack and unpack every time.
Why can't they have clothes and a toothbrush at each house?