My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

[Shakespeareandi]

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

What do your kids want? At 14, that child will get a say, and probs at 10 too and because that will affect the 6 y/o it may change the dynamic? But in any event, you need some advice. There are circumstances where you can register your interest in a the 'marital home' if it was bought during the relationship and you can prove your beneficial interest and you can also register your right of occupation but it's complicated and you still need legal advice - there's some info here which might help www.sleeblackwell.co.uk/legal-articles/rights-name-not-deeds

I'm sorry but you come across as very bitter towards men. Not sure that really helps in these replies.

people (of both sexes) leave marriages all the time for reasons in their best interests, in which they look to protect their own future with their children. Men and women can equally love their children and want to spend as much time with them as possible - asking for 50% is the epitome of ‘being fair’. Why should the dad children and dad spend less time tougher? As another poster says, would you give away half of your house? That doesn’t make him a bastard. Thank god the law has started to recognise father rights and not listen to this old fashioned nonsense.

Yet another determined to misread. Nothing against men, thanks.

I don't however, like men who threaten women.

Not going to keep repeating myself.

@Shakespeareandi I think I would assume that at some point he will make you move out of the house and think about your financial position before you worry about how much time the children are spending with each of you. I'm sure you don't need telling that you're in a very vulnerable position.

Do/did you contribute towards the mortgage at all? If so then it would be worth making an appointment with a solicitor to see whether you have any kind of claim on the house despite it being in his name. But honestly, by not being married and having the house solely in his name, he has screwed you over nicely.

Can you get a better paid job, ideally full time? You need to have a plan for how to support yourself and your children without being able to live in his house or rely on his income. Because if your ex does go to court for 50/50 residency, he'll probably use the fact that you are essentially homeless as an argument in his favour. So sort that aspect out first.

I haven't looked into Universal Credit because, for the moment, I can manage our expenses. However, if I had to pay the mortgage, I wouldn't be able to cope, even with benefits. The child benefit goes straight to my ex's account.
He is still with the other woman, although he doesn't know I am aware of this. She has children at the same school as mine, so I have to see her every day. She has her children almost full-time, which I think is why he wants our children too. They used to take all the children out together as "friends" .

Others will have more knowledge on this but I think you can have the child benefit transferred to your name. Definitely find out all the benefits you might be entitled to, there's absolutely nothing to be gained from not claiming anything you're entitled to just because you can currently manage.

That’s a crazy number of handovers (unless the alternate bit is all spent with one parent but alternate weeks, in which case it’s okay). The standard would be one week on one week off or 4:3 one week and 3:4 the next.

There should be some sort of national campaign to make women aware of how precarious their position is if they don’t marry the father of their children, work part time and don’t get onto deeds / mortgages. It’s far too late when they get dumped and we see stories like this every day on this forum.

No, I've paid for bills and council tax but my money has not been paid directly towards the mortgage. Thank you for your gentle words and taking time to reply. I do recognize how vulnerable my situation is.
I can't see myself getting a much better-paid job. I was proud of what I was earning, but now I realize it's considered very little compared to my friends. I'm in my mid-40s and I don't know how I'll be able to find a better-paying job at this point. My area is small, quite academic, and not very well-paid. My self-esteem is shot, and I don't know what to do.

I was a SAHM for 6 years

If nothing else, hopefully someone who is contemplating being a SAHM without the security of marriage will see this and realise why it's a really bad idea.

OP - 50:50 is always the default, so unless he's a danger due to the booze then you'll have to go with it.

The courts wouldn’t force the 14 year old and the 10 year old is borderline. ( When is your dc 11)
The 6 year old is a different kettle of fish.

He is controling you with the house .
I mean I’d let him officially evict me befroe I’d leave .
So he would have two lots of court fees.
If that did happen though the council would have to find you somewhere. .

what kind of money is he on as you have a claim for cms . Is he better off paying the mortgage instead of cms so would kick himself in the foot if he asked you to move out. While this arrangement is in place he is clearing a mortgage for himself. .

what do your kids want ?

I know. I have been very naive/stupid. I wish there had been too, but also acutely aware others think I should have known.

You need to start claiming UC. Then at least you will be able to rent a place. He's really done you over - that's nonsense that there was a better deal if you weren't named on the mortgage. I would say he is only asking for 50/50 as he intends to live with his new partner. I don't think many men want 50/50 if it's down to them to do the day to day running of a home. I would be surprised if the children want to go & live half the week with this woman & her kids.

I do really feel for you. It sounds like he has deliberately set you up for this by telling you that you don’t need a pension as he’s saving for both of you and also the fact that the child benefit goes into his account. During those years of being a sahm the child benefit would have counted towards your pension.

I think you need to assume you are starting from scratch and anything you get on top of that is a bonus unfortunately. It’s so shit and please don’t love and miss that man. Find your anger.

Definitely look into universal credit, including how much you could get towards renting. As long as you stay in that house, he'll have it to hold over you, so I'd work in becoming independent of him as a priority.

Also get the child benefit changed into your name/bank account. At the moment you are the kids primary carer, so should have that money, it's for them.

He has a good chance of getting 50/50, but there's also a fair argument that been separated from the person who has always been their main carer to spending more time with an alcoholic isn't in their best intrest.

Short answer yes he can.

Get a court agreement in place to formalise things but most likely scenario is 50/50 unless there is abuse/unfit parent factors.

50/50 is the best scenario for the children too. I have close friends going through a divorce and sorting out custody. My biggest bug bear with them is each thinks it is in the child interests NOT to see the other parent 50% of the time. When all the child wants to do is spend her time with each parent.

OP I'm so sorry o hear your story you didn't deserve this and he's a total shit. My Mum went through similar, although my Dad didnt want us. She got a degree at 47 and started a new life. I love and respect her to bits. Whafeced he does the children need yoh, make no mistake about that. What part of the country are you in? Wonder if local Mumsnetters could help out, if you don't have friends who can?
I don't think you should just let him have the kids all of Xmas day but if that happens you will get through it. After Xmas see a solicitor for a free session. There is support out there OP just hang on..and fight him, don't give up dear

I’m not saying you should have known. How would you know if nobody told you? We need there to be much more awareness of how few rights unmarried women have, so that people can make informed choices for themselves.

Op you need to apply for the child benefit in your name. .Do it now befroe the chips arrangement that’s in place changes.
If you have the child benefit you will be able to apply for benefits for the children if need be .

Wow what a position you are in .Dows your ex earn over 50k as if he does he shouldn’t really be claiming the c.b it will Be taxable

He has made investments that pay off monthly. While he doesn't have huge amounts, it was enough to live off. He can sort his wkrk in a couple of hours a day. As a business owner and self-employed individual, he doesn't report a lot of earnings officially.

Anyway OP, as you are not married, you will struggle to claim a share of the home in his name. You could try to claim a constructive trust if you discussed ownership, he led you to believe it was half yours and you relied on that to your detriment. However, the fact that you didn’t pay the mortgage will make it really really hard to succeed. You need specialist legal advice on this point and should see a solicitor.

If you cannot claim a share of the home, you could indeed be made homeless although in the short term you could apply for an occupation order to allow you to live there but that is for a maximum of a year. You need to look into housing options and speak to your council.

With the children, the court would take the views of the 14 year old as determinative and the 10 yo’s view as influential. The 6 yo will presumably want to do what their siblings do. The kids are entitled to a relationship with you both and the idea that it’s disruptive to move between homes doesn’t hold much sway with the court.

If anyone reads this, never never never become a SAHM if you are unmarried living in your partner’s solely owned property and don’t have substantial capital of your own. You will be entitled to nothing beyond child maintenance (and if it’s 50/50, not even that). You are also taking a risk being a SAHM if you are married or a co-owner but you are slightly more protected, especially if married, as the court can divide assets unequally. As an unmarried co-owner, you are restricted to a 50% share of the house. However spousal maintenance is quite rare these days and you are fucking yourself financially by giving up work and marriage offers relatively limited protection. Married women suffer hugely financially in divorce. Do not do it - I can’t stress it enough (unless married to a multi millionaire). There’s a really high chance your relationship will break down and, like the OP, you will be fucked, utterly fucked.

The children want to stay with me, and they feel this is their home. It may change. He wouldn't have to pay CM as officially he doesn't make much money. And if I understand things corrcetly, he won't have to pay anything if he has them 50/50.

Another nightmare. So you can’t even really count on child maintenance from him because he will skew the figures.

Me and my ex husband split 4 years ago and since then have always done 50/50. (Split 2 days each mon-thur then alternate fri-sun). I also have friends who have separate and they do 7 days each on alternative weeks. We never had any formal custody agreements, never saw a solicitor, and our divorce was the most straight forward yet expensive piece of paper I've ever had to sign as we sorted all childcare and finances out ourselves. I realise this isn't the norm and a lot of separated couples do benefit from having a formal agreement in place, however if you are amicable then there is no real reason why you would have to speak to a professional. I'm sorry your ex had an affair, that must be a horrible thing to have to deal with along with having to sort out arrangements going forward. As others have said, 50/50 is generally the done thing these days as typically both parents work and contribute to a household and parental duties tend to be shared. If this sounds like your situation, then I'd start off with his request of 50/50 and see where you go. Where I do think you could potentially have some push back is if you don't work as much but if he works long hours, you could argue that the kids might benefit from seeing you for a few hours after school before going to their dads, so the evenings are the same but you still get more time with them? Also if you are staying in the family home, does your ex have the space and resources to set up full bedrooms for the kids, kitted out with toys and clothes so that they genuinely feel like they have 2 homes? If not then there's another argument why 50/50 might not work in your particular situation. If you present these arguments to your ex but he pushes back and still demands 50/50, that's when I would consider speaking to someone professional as it wouldn't necessarily make sense in your circumstances to have 50/50. Best of luck OP, it's a horrible horrible situation to have to navigate, but the pieces will all fall into place and you can start to rebuild.

This.

@Shakespeareandi He has screwed you over and it looks like he has done so deliberately.

You need to get angry, put your hard hat on, and act in your own self interest.

1. Get the child benefit transferred to you immediately.

1. See a solicitor as soon as possible to explore whether you have any claim on the house.
2. Claim all and any benefits you are entitled to.
3. Try and get yourself on the list for social/council housing, explore private renting, maybe call Shelter to see if they have any helpful advice?
4. Think long and hard about your job. If it's skilled but poorly paid, you may find you can earn more doing something unskilled, or unrelated to what you are currently doing.
5. Play for time regarding residency arrangements for the children. You'll probably end up in court eventually, at which point you can tell the judge that your priority is your children's safety and welfare, you believe that you are best placed to meet their needs because their father is an alcoholic, and that the reason you don't have a house is because their father deliberately financially abused you for years but you are working hard to become financially independent so that you can provide for them on your own.