My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

[Shakespeareandi]

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

Yes, true but OP has already said that her 14 year old won’t want to hurt her dad by asking to live with her mum primarily so that would mean that all three, at least for now, will do 50/50 as it’s what the dad wants and the children who have a say won’t protest.

Utter rubbish..
This changed earlier on in the year
https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

@RoachFish The professionals that interview dc go a bit more deeply into what motivates dc to say what they do. Does moving around during a school week make sense for a 14 year old? What arrangements can dad make to look after dc? I agree the OP’s situation is precarious too but DC should be chatted to in more depth about their needs. Not the needs of parents.

I'm sorry that your ex was having an affair with a friend, and that he is now asking for 50% custody. That sounds like alot. With kids that are 6 and 10 they are pretty young.

Re legal advice, call up a few solicitors and find out which ones actually have experience with occupation orders and helping cohabitees with their rights. You have to see their advice as an investment. Although it's really tough, it sounds like this man doesn't love you and is more than happy to screw you over now. You need to look after yourself and your kids now.

Have you looked up occupation orders? Or could you establish a beneficial interest in the property? You'd need to ask a solicitor whether there is any mileage here....

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_tenants

https://lawhive.co.uk/knowledge-hub/property/beneficial-interest-in-property-guide/

Re the mortgage, although you may not be able to cover it, see Citizens advice or make contact re Universal Credit, as it's possible you may get money to cover it (this was the case for my partner's ex but the property was jointly owned, maybe ask what happens if you establish a beneficial interest...). Some women get quite alot of money from Universal Credit- particularly if you work 16 hours a week or less. Also like others have said, get your application in for child maintenance, and for child benefit.

I know 50:50 custody is accepted by many nowadays, but it is not always in the children's best interests so don't resolve yourself to that unless you want it and think it's best for the kids.

When women do not play ball, it is not so easy for the father....I'm not advocating this route but just saying you don't have to roll over and do whatever your ex wants. Bear in mind though that it's best to negotiate and try to find a situation that works for both, so you have a cooperative co parenting arrangement.

For example, I have one friend, who didn't agree to 50:50 (ex wanted it just to avoid paying child maintenance) and it has been going through the courts for years now....courts are backlogged and issues can take years to get resolved. I'm not sure that 50:50 can be compelled without a court order. Taking this route though may ruin any good will with the ex. Maybe hold off agreeing to anything right now, say that you need 6 months to think over your options as you may be in shock, and get working on that solicitors advice asap. Figure out what your rights are and go from there.

This is so far fetched! He is entitled to 50 of the time and his children are his responsibility. How about we just accept that some dads want to be dads instead of this negativity 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Closetheblinds Yes, some Dads definitely do want to look after their kids-but unfortunately, there are also some who don’t and only say they want 50:50 to avoid paying CMS and/or to “punish” their ex. One of my friends has dealt with this type of behavior for years.

Let’s hope that this Dad is one of the decent ones, although his alcoholism is very concerning. The OP says that he’s drinking again (albeit more moderately) which may affect his ability to parent well. I hope that’s considered when the decision is made.

Of course, neither of us had read the whole thread before you went in on dads wanting their kids 50/50 though so that was my standing point for my response.

My daughters ex wanted 50/50 only so he didn’t have to pay maintenance! She still pays for all the school uniforms and all the school dinners and swimming / hobbies etc . It’s not 50/50 but for the kids sake she pays it as he is an arsehole who just wants to make her life harder!

No parent is “entitled” to anything!! Yet again - the agreed living arrangements are what is best for the DC! Not some entitled dad. There is no entitlement just because you are a parent. What you are entitled to do is come to agreement that is in the best interests of dc, not your wish to stamp your feet.

How are things now, OP? This thread came to mind earlier and I was wondering how you are doing. I hope things are working out for you.

oops zombie thread