My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

[Shakespeareandi]

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

Think he wants the kids 50% of the time because he thinks this is how he can avoid child support. He sounds like such a nasty prick, not only did he cheat but threatened you with homelessness as well. I hope you’re able to get some good advice for you next steps.

He most likely will get 50/50 when it comes to the children. - with a known alcohol problem?

Presumably they will want some overnights with their dad though? If he applied to court, I’d expect there to be some overnights in the case of the younger two. As I said before, the argument that it’s disruptive to stay overnight with the other parent won’t hold any sway with the court. The 14 yo will obviously decide for themselves.

This man persuaded the OP to minimise her earning capacity so that she could raise their children and he didn't have to lose earning power, promised her that his investments would support her, didn't marry her or give her any financial security and now wants to kick her out of the house and keep the children 100% of the time because he had an affair and doesn't want her anymore, and has made it difficult for her to house the children herself. Yes the OP should have protected herself better but on all metrics this particular man is a bastard.

she probably doesn’t want to have her kids 50% less of the time I wouldn’t like it

I'd check on CB.

You can't make a single claim if you earn over £50k. Only a joint claim if one earns over £50k.

So who claims? If it's you - you need it to be paid to you as you are primary carer and if he's officially single he may not be entitled if claim is in his name.

Also if you're entitled to claim UC - claim.

As for 50/50 unless he's a danger to the children it's unlikely this won't be awarded. And the sad truth is even where woman prove a dad is a danger/risk etc there are men who seem to charm their way into whatever they want.

I get right now you're heartbroken. But you need a steely backbone to do this the right way and not to let emotion drive any decisions.

He’s apparently managing it. The OP will need to decide how far to push this one. If she says he’s an alcoholic surely any unsupervised contact will be off the table? You can’t say he’s dangerous around the kids but he can have them a few days a fortnight - it’s all or nothing. The courts often hear allegations that the other parent drinks or takes drugs and you need some proof that it is a serious problem before it will be taken into account. For instance if OP was happy with him caring for the kids on his own when they were together, the court might ask why it’s suddenly an issue now.

He really has you over a barrell.

If I was you what I’d do

Start today .
1st apply for child benefit to you . (Only one parent can get this ) his payment will stop while they decide
If you get awarded which you should as the dc are with you then it will be back dated to you from when you applied.

2.Apply for U.C for you.
Do the online entities to calculator also to see what I’d get for me and my kids if I was in receipt of child benefit
I’d look at house rentals and see what help is available on entitled to towards that.

Third- Get my half hour advice with a few lawyers.

Id also do online “entities too” calculator to see what you would get for the kids once you in receipt of child benefit .

Once I knew my figures and did the above I’d look frantically for my own place .
I wouldn’t be controlled by this man any longer. .

I would ask my kids what they wanted though.
Maybe tell him he can have them 5 out of 14 instead of 7
so mon -Friday one week and back to you for the weekend. I really don’t know the answer as you have to see what your kids say. You are going to have to put your feelings to the side and any idea of love for this man .

You have to think and work smart to get you and the kids set up and settled.

I can’t see any 14yr old wanting to be away form
home half the time. .
What do the kids say ?

No well I don’t imagine her ex would like having the kids none of the time either. If you have kids, you run this risk if your relationship breaks down. The child has a right to spend time with both parents. Mums and dads are equal in terms of parenting status.

Change the CB for one child into your name on the premise that although they currently live with you then the intention is to be 50:50 shared care. Also that the CB is shared for as long as you share 50:50.

I would agree to 50:50 as a trial and explain that it will be for the DC benefit to build up to it over a couple of months as they've been through a lot. Also request that you each have the right of first refusal for care of the DC so if he isn’t the one looking after them and it's for a example his new partner that you are offered the opportunity to have them that day and overnight instead and the same goes for him.

I wouldn't waste your money fighting the 50:50 unless the drinking is going to be severe enough for the courts to listen. I would however tell the school what is going on and your concerns.

Having CB for at least one child is the gateway benefit and opens up universal credit including the housing element if you move into rented.

I agree but at a certain age what the kids want trumps either of the parents.

Firstly, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It seems so unfair but the reality is you have no legal protection, only what your Ex decides to give you. If you say down with him would be better amenable to sharing some equity, getting you a deposit for next house?

The 14 year old and potentially 11 year old will be able to make their own decisions on visiting their Dad so I'm not sure he can impose 50/50. however ideally this is resolved amicably rather than through courts as you don't have the money to spare.

Housing will be your natural priority, whilst he is paying the mortgage he could decide to sell so important you secure housing or something formal agreement. Please start the process of a benefits claim and look at what the CMS calculation is, 50/50 is likely to result in no maintenance payments, which would be difficult for you.

However thankfully there will be a safety net of benefits for you and your children but I know how overwhelming that will feel.

Be assured you will be able to rebuild your life as have 20 years of working life ahead of you. It's dreadful behaviour of him and OW and I suspect they will have some stormy days ahead as blending 2 sets of children isn't as easy as a few joint days out. Good luck

I don't think it's fair on the children to be constantly packing and unpacking bags.

They don't have to. They can keep a selection of clothes etc at each house.

Yes he’s despicable but he will get away with it. He has not done anything unlawful. Women need to start refusing to be stay at home parents - lots of people jump at the chance and don’t think of the consequences. And they also need to refuse point blank to get pregnant until the house is in joint names/they are married. Anyone who doesn’t give you this protection is not a good person to be the father of your child.

If he is living with OW any CMS will be reduced by the number of children she has living with them

He has well and truly fucked you over. The primary parent claims child benefit because they National Insurance credits towards their state pension. The credits can fill gaps in your record if you’re not working or do not earn enough to pay National Insurance contributions. You've stopped working to raise the children and also not received your national insurance credits. You will be fucked in later life. I think you need to talk to the child benefit helpline. You also need to claim all the benefits you can. If you are entitled to it; claim it.

Why don't you let him have them full time whilst you sort yourself out? You've put yourself in a crap situation which is not best for your kids. Prioritise adjusting your position. Get working full time, get your head right, maximise your own income, find a place to live, be the fun parent on weekends. He has the funds and resources currently to give them a better life. See how long he lasts when he has to do the day to day mundane parenting. Bonus you won't see his new missus every day if he's doing the school run!

If you went to court the 14 year old could choose and they might listen to the 10 year old.

@Startinganew32 no alternative each day, but each weekend. A f-s week 1, B f-s week 2.

Hi op
I'm so sorry this is happening it's heartbreaking for you. He has financially taken advantage of you that's for sure.

Despite being so so angry with him try to keep him
Sweet. You don't have a claim to the house sorry. Have you registered for universal credit? And child benefit?
Has he told you he wants to sell the house soon? He could just move back in and ask you to leave sadly
Would your ex be able to be your guarantor if you rented a flat for you and the kids? Universal credit would pay most of your rent once you're in a flat. It will also 'show' you're the main care giver
If he formally evicts you you should be on the housing waiting list as homeless with children but keep him sweet so he doesn't just kick only you out and try to keep the children full time.

You can still put a child maintenance claim in you might get it

This man has acted in everyway to secure HIS interests and it's likely he now wants 50/50 to reduce his financial liability.

It should be a lesson for all younger women who consider getting pregnant without the legal protection of marriage.

I understand why it happens, so don't blame women, as you have children with someone you think you can trust plus I don't think it's possible to understand the impact of parenting on your work life, especially if your partner doesn't step up to share parenting workload

He’s Done you up like a kipper unfortunately -financially at least. Being blunt, you need legal advice -and fast…the way he can hide his income, he might go after you for child support.

Please get legal advice ASAP…..and start paying into your workplace pension NOW

Please please please do what ever you can for this not to happen. My friend agreed to 50/50 when she split with her exDH and it's been terrible. The kids feel unsettled as he fairly quickly moved 60 mins away, so now have to spend a lot of time in the car and do very early starts when it's his days for school. They ended up sleeping on air beds in his new partners house for 6 months as didn't have a big enough place.

They are FOREVER forgetting things - PE kit / glasses etc so my friend duplicated everything so they have a set each house. Now the exDH just ends up with everything at his as he is too lazy to replace stuff he forgets. She is forever getting her children with dirty clothes that need washing, as he doesn't do any. Forever having to buy new stuff for them which he doesn't contribute to.
All the school work down to her as he doesn't do any reading / homework with them so on her evenings it's manic as there is stuff left to do from previous days etc.
Forever being asked "favours" by him for extra child care on his days.

The kids hate not having once base.

He has turned into a lazy idiot loving his new life and she is absolutely broke as ended up with a much worse deal in the divorce.

There are 2 children. This term alone she has bought 5 EXTRA school jumpers, 4 pairs of new glasses, countless trainers, 6 new coats for school etc etc etc.

It is NOT 50/50 at all, and the worst thing is because it "technically is", he doesn't have to pay any child maintenance at all.

Op with him being an alcoholic that's a stupid accusation. Do you not feel kids are safe overnights with him? You can call your councils early help service for advice on this