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Original poster

How to tell dh he's not invited to mum's Christmas dinner

162 replies

FaradayCage · 22/12/2024 23:11

Long back story but we need to separate, all family agree and can't stand him, therefore resulting in massive tension leading up to Christmas. Mum does not want him to go to hers for Christmas dinner. He has been in previous years and she has been polite for my sake and the kids' sake, but she does not want him there this year. Enough is enough. I don't want him there either, but I am 99% sure he'll assume he's coming with us and that he will think there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. There are lots of reasons, but he doesn't see them at all. Anyway, I feel like I can't win, I'm going to give someone / many people a crap day whatever I say or do, or don't say or do.

OP posts:
rockstuckhardplace · 22/12/2024 23:15

"We need to separate." Does he know?

Felimsaunt · 22/12/2024 23:15

It's quite simple, just tell him you're going without him and then do it. Once you separate you will realise how simple life can be when you just follow what you want to do.

crumblingschools · 22/12/2024 23:16

Are your kids aware you are separating? Won’t they find it weird dad isn’t coming?

YouveGotAFastCar · 22/12/2024 23:17

Have you actually separated yet? Does he know you’re going to and you’re just waiting for after Christmas?

If not, I can’t imagine telling him on the evening of the 22nd or the morning of the 23rd that he’s not invited to where he presumably thinks you’re all spending Christmas is going to go down well, and I’m not sure it’s when I’d pick to have that first break up chat…

Has she just told you she doesn’t want him there this year?

Original poster
FaradayCage · 22/12/2024 23:18

@rockstuckhardplace I told him five years ago that there was no point continuing in a loveless marriage, yet somehow we're still here. It's a classic 'staying for the kids' mistake and it has to come to an end. I do realise that is my responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
FaradayCage · 22/12/2024 23:20

@YouveGotAFastCar More long story but my brother is living in a care home, and he wants to come out for Christmas this year to be with mum. If brother and dh are in the same house, he will not be able to hold back as he knows how unhappy I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
FaradayCage · 22/12/2024 23:23

@crumblingschools He never bothers coming to any family things, the kids are used to it always being the three of us. Christmas day is the one thing he gets involved in. In so far as turning up, eating, going to sleep and then walking home while we stay.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 22/12/2024 23:28

You told him five years ago and not since then that you need to separate?
And you've not told him yet that he's uninvited from Christmas Day?
I don't think that is going to go well.
Why didn't you tell him a month ago that he wasn't invited so he had time to make other plans?

rockstuckhardplace · 22/12/2024 23:28

Hmm. The timing's not great, but I think you need to actually initiate an actual separation now and tell him that he's not welcome at your Mum's for Christmas.

justworking · 22/12/2024 23:33

rockstuckhardplace · 22/12/2024 23:28

Hmm. The timing's not great, but I think you need to actually initiate an actual separation now and tell him that he's not welcome at your Mum's for Christmas.

Timing isn't great but you need to be direct. Tell him that in the new year you will be seeking legal advice, you have had enough and so he isn't welcome on Christmas Day.

If he reacts, then you have your perfect excuse to get the ball rolling (not that you need one!)

Endofyear · 22/12/2024 23:41

Well you've left it quite late to tell him. He obviously doesn't know you want to separate (saying you told him 5 years ago doesn't really count because you stayed for the last 5 years!) Does he have family he can go to?

BlueSky2023 · 22/12/2024 23:44

Just tell him he is not invited because of his behaviour…..put it over onto him, it’s his own behaviour that has caused this so you shouldn’t feel guilty, if he knew how to behave and was a nice person he would have been invited…. End of

Maybe this will kick start the separation that should have happened years ago

Candy24 · 22/12/2024 23:45

Im sorry but um you need to tell him. I mean the guy thinks everything is ok. Crap time though to do it at Christmas your kids wont forgive you if you ruin it

ReadingSoManyThreads · 22/12/2024 23:46

Hmmm, he's not a mind-reader, so you've left this very late to tell him. But you'll have to bite the bullet:

"John, remember 5 years ago I told you there was no point staying together in a loveless marriage? Well, things haven't changed for me, so I do want us to separate. We can sort out the specifics after Christmas but I don't want us to spend Christmas Day together, so the kids and I will be heading to Mum's as usual"

Whattodowithelves · 23/12/2024 00:01

How old are your kids?

DreamTheMoors · 23/12/2024 00:02

FaradayCage · 22/12/2024 23:23

@crumblingschools He never bothers coming to any family things, the kids are used to it always being the three of us. Christmas day is the one thing he gets involved in. In so far as turning up, eating, going to sleep and then walking home while we stay.

The “walking home” reminded me.

Once, years ago, when we still celebrated Christmas with my mum’s sister and her family, we picked names at an earlier event to give gifts at Christmas.
Everybody got a gift except my cousin. This infuriated my intoxicated aunt, and she walked home in the cold without even a sweater.
After she left, we all felt terrible that my cousin had been left out, so we matched names to recipients.
The only person who didn’t have a recipient was my other cousin, my aunt’s daughter.
Hahaha my aunt was positive that somebody in my family had snubbed her son — his own sister had flaked out on the whole thing and then she got mad and walked home too.
We somehow carried on without them.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 23/12/2024 00:10

Are you safe with him? Do you have any plans to leave within the next few months?

Has your mum been hearing about your marriage troubles for five years, and wants to have a peaceful day with your brother? (Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not sure how else to word it 🩷)

DreamTheMoors · 23/12/2024 00:13

@FaradayCage

It’ll take courage, but you can do it.

About Christmas. Mum doesn’t want you there. The rest of the family doesn’t want you there but most of all, I don’t want you there.
We’re separating, for good. No arguments.

Then leave if you have to, or at least lave the room. Do not give him any chance to argue.
Hold up your hand if he tries.

Sending strength and support and love.

OMGsamesame · 23/12/2024 00:16

Hmmm. Unless there's a backstory of abuse by him you'd be awful to tell him on 23rd December that you're taking the kids somewhere else for Christmas day and he can't come.

Cadburyscreamegg · 23/12/2024 00:21

Does he have anywhere else to go? It's a bit rubbish to leave him on his own for Christmas Day esp if he's the Dad of your kids.

Babyboomtastic · 23/12/2024 00:29

OMGsamesame · 23/12/2024 00:16

Hmmm. Unless there's a backstory of abuse by him you'd be awful to tell him on 23rd December that you're taking the kids somewhere else for Christmas day and he can't come.

This.

Only infidelity or significant and serious abuse would justify breaking up with a spouse 2 days before Christmas and expecting him to spend Christmas day alone. It's an awful way to treat someone and would destroy your children's Christmas.

I'd suck it up for once last Christmas together (even if that means you can't go to your mum's is there's no way round the dinner issue) and then take about separating in the new year.

You may not love him now, but you once did, and for the sake of that, and the promises you made to eachother, I think treating the other person with some decent kindness is the right thing to do.

crumpet · 23/12/2024 01:27

Have you only just found out that he’s not invited? If not, why have you left it until almost Christmas Eve to tell him? That would seem unnecessarily mean. Of course if your mum has only now told you, it’s slight different.

Hiw do you plan to explain it to the kids?

Bittenonce · 23/12/2024 09:06

At this stage on the game - there isn’t a right answer. Whichever way you turn, it’s going be an awkward stressful day, sorry. But you’ve got to either stay with him, or separate. 5 years is a long time to waste in limbo.

Copperoliverbear · 24/12/2024 01:03

Could you mum not just tolerate him one more Christmas for a few hours,until you manage to get him to leave.
2025 a new start. X

Guest100 · 24/12/2024 01:10

You have left it too late. You can’t take the kids and just leave him home.