How to tell dh he's not invited to mum's Christmas dinner

[FaradayCage]

Long back story but we need to separate, all family agree and can't stand him, therefore resulting in massive tension leading up to Christmas. Mum does not want him to go to hers for Christmas dinner. He has been in previous years and she has been polite for my sake and the kids' sake, but she does not want him there this year. Enough is enough. I don't want him there either, but I am 99% sure he'll assume he's coming with us and that he will think there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. There are lots of reasons, but he doesn't see them at all. Anyway, I feel like I can't win, I'm going to give someone / many people a crap day whatever I say or do, or don't say or do.

Unless there is abuse happening or it would be a truely awful atmosphere all day, I think you have left it a bit too late.

I'm not sure you can tell him, with 2 days to go, that you are taking his children out for the day on Christmas Day and he can't come with them.

My guess would be OP has repeatedly told him she wants a divorce and he doesn’t listen.

The op says that it was discussed once, five years ago.

No one can give you advice with such vague details - all you've said is it's been a loveless marriage for 5 years and you mum etc don't want him there for Christmas, brother won't be able to hold his tongue - I know you said there's a back story but going on the details you've provided he's always been polite on previous years for the kids. So he must have done something horrible for them to all be against him and if it's abuse, addiction to drugs/alcohol, cheating etc then I get why your family are against him being there but without any detail it's hard to give advice because if it's just down to a loveless marriage then you've had so much time to either leave him or tell him he's doing his own Christmas before now.

Agree. Unless the kids hate being around him & would be relieved if he wasn't there then it seems like it's causing unnecessary drama. Feels like an EastEnders script where they leave the big announcement to Xmas Day!

Grit your teeth and leave the very necessary big conversations until after Xmas.

You either need to commit to your future OP and the people who'll be in it - your DC, mum, brother, and you, free of your H - or throw the towel in and accept the life you have. This is a crossroads. You have to take the first step at some point or live and die as you are. Your H misses a free dinner he probably doesn't deserve and you get to start your new life. Have courage.

There's no indication the police need to be involved here. Adults should try to avoid drama rather than indulge in it and waste public resources.

Just ask your mum and brother if they can keep the peace for this year and tolerate him because it's your responsibility to end your marriage. And if not, just tell a version of the truth - mum wants to focus on brother and he is quite volatile, better we have Christmas at home / somewhere else.

But think of the kids too surely??

It's not all about what the OP wants, she has to think about how to get to that point in a way that will mess her kids up the least, no?

It sounds like because it's in your head and you had a discussion 5 years ago you are assuming he knows you must separate now but it comes across like this would be an absolute bombshell for him. If you haven't discussed it recently and told him ages ago he's not welcome at your mums then you are being hugely unreasonable. You can't throw a bomb like that into your family just before Christmas, it will completely ruin it for your children.

I would forget going to your mums this year, tell her you're ill. Make it through Christmas Day for the sake of the children if you've been continuing this long in the marriage for them then discuss plans to divorce with DH in the New Year.

If you've been saying for 5 years that you are going to separate and still you havent, then he obviously doesnt believe you're serious about it. Unfortunately, Christmas Eve is a bit late in the day to have that conversation so yeah you are going to piss him off but I guess its a case of who do you least care about pissing off, him or the family?

The OP has explained they are used to him not being there for family occasions. That on previous Christmases he only turns up to eat, then sleeps and leaves early, so its highly unlikely he has a positive impact on their day, even under the best of circumstances. This year there's a mum and brother who the OP feels can no longer keep the peace, so its likely the DC would experience at best a strained atmosphere, at worst a nasty row. I think the OP has no choice but to keep him and her family apart, and there's no need for her and DC to miss the day with her family. The DC don't need to be told its a separation on Christmas day. Just that dad's not coming.

I guess so.
Do we know how old the kids are? Younger kids could probably be fobbed off this way, I think older kids will smell a rat.

I think it needs careful consideration either way, the way parents act on separating & the way they tell their kids can have a lasting impact on them.

I think I'm on team DH.
This is awful!

Unless there is context you've left out ie. He is abusive or something, you and your mum both sound really cruel.

You are together, he is the children's father, of course he should be where you and the children are.

I'm going on what OP has said. Discussing it once five years ago and othwise trashing him to her family is not communicating. At least not with him.

I think it’s unkind of you to leave it so late to tell him. If you tell him now it could cause arguments around your children. They also probably don’t want to see their dad alone on Xmas day. Why didn’t you tell him weeks ago so that he could make other plans? I think you should let him join you for one last time to keep the peace (even if you are only doing it for your children).

It's Christmas Eve.

you can't keep him in the dark about him being excluded from Christmas lunch tomorrow.

you aren't 100% responsible for everything, but on this one, you should have covered this with him much sooner than now,

you need him to know the situation pronto, otherwise all hell will break loose tomorrow and it will taint everyone's day.

In my view this is not acceptable. You are either separated or not. You can't have this half and half arrangement at Christmas.

I think it is a bit harsh timing for him but also the kids. They will pick up on something. Can you suck it up and just stay home this year or pop in to your mum's with the kids for an hour but have dinner at home with your husband? Then in the new year separate.

Have you not thought to ask him what his plans are for Christmas Day since the rest of you will be at your mums?

How old are the dc?

Do they know that he won’t be there tomorrow?

Your assumption is just that. Especially as divorce doesn't have to be mutually agreed so the OP could have just told him and got on with it.

Hmmm... you're handling this horribly. Another human being is involved here, whether or not your family "agrees" that you'd be better off alone.

Just leave him.

Do it today. Start 2025 afresh. Stop messing him about.

I think if you're telling him he's not invited to Christmas you're also telling him you want a divorce. You can't be married to someone you allow your family to exclude from family events.

If his behaviour is so extreme that it is fair for him to be excluded then it's divorce time.

Otherwise. If its simply a "loveless" (boring, unexciting?) Marriage but he's not abusive/ violent then no I don't think it's acceptable for him to be excluded. If you want to stay married to him then you stay committed to him and have his back.

I think part of the problem is lack of boundaries with your own family - how on earth to your family 'agree' separating is the right thing? Not their business to agree! Your decision alone.

This is weird as fuck!

You have children so surely they expect their Dad will be going with you to your Mums for Xmas Dinner?

Why on earth has this issue been left till Xmas Eve ? Has the approach of 25th December come as a surprise to you all?