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Original poster

How to tell dh he's not invited to mum's Christmas dinner

162 replies

FaradayCage · 22/12/2024 23:11

Long back story but we need to separate, all family agree and can't stand him, therefore resulting in massive tension leading up to Christmas. Mum does not want him to go to hers for Christmas dinner. He has been in previous years and she has been polite for my sake and the kids' sake, but she does not want him there this year. Enough is enough. I don't want him there either, but I am 99% sure he'll assume he's coming with us and that he will think there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. There are lots of reasons, but he doesn't see them at all. Anyway, I feel like I can't win, I'm going to give someone / many people a crap day whatever I say or do, or don't say or do.

OP posts:
ThisOldThang · 24/12/2024 14:35

Wolframandhart · 24/12/2024 14:24

saying you are quite capable isnt the same as you saying you do.

calling it a glorified Sunday lunch, keeping in mind everything else that christmas day entails, means i absolutely empathise… with your wife.

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Give it a rest.

I've cooked Christmas dinner plenty of times. Since I met my wife, we've done it together unless eating at relatives.

Why do so many women on Mumsnet immediately consider all men to be as shit as the men they've presumably chosen to marry?

In the scenario being discussed, I would be cooking Christmas lunch for me and my two young boys. It would very much be a glorified Sunday lunch.

FeegleFrenzy · 24/12/2024 14:43

Petrasings · 24/12/2024 14:16

Op doesn’t have to give details. Her word is enough, her perception of her life is exactly correct, because she is capable of assessing it given it’s her life and her lived experience. The fact her family having tolerated him for years are now refusing to speaks volumes.

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I’m not saying she has to give details. You say her word is enough but she hasn’t actually said that she’s been mistreated. My dh could for example sit on the sofa watching top gear repeats and being a boring fart which I could think was awful. Doesn’t mean I’m being mistreated…..just means we’re no longer compatible 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

by all means don’t give details but then it’s hard to advise as there is a whole range of “awful”…..from a scenario like I described to beating her black and blue every week. My advice on whether it’s ok to leave someone high and dry with no notice for Xmas lunch would depend on how awful he is.

Serene135 · 24/12/2024 14:52

Petrasings · 24/12/2024 14:01

He is lucky she has already wasted five years of her life putting up with him to date, plus the years she has before he mistreated her. Life is too short.

Whilst I think the timing isn’t ideal, he clearly is bloody awful and deserves everything that is coming!

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How do we know that it is the husband that is completely the issue here? The OP hasn’t yet told him that he can’t come to Christmas dinner with his own children therefore putting the entire family in a difficult position. That is not kind or reasonable. It can also be very easy to turn your family against a spouse depending on what you are saying without the other person being present. Sometimes a person can be distant etc because they themselves are not happy.

Petrasings · 24/12/2024 15:19

Serene135 · 24/12/2024 14:52

How do we know that it is the husband that is completely the issue here? The OP hasn’t yet told him that he can’t come to Christmas dinner with his own children therefore putting the entire family in a difficult position. That is not kind or reasonable. It can also be very easy to turn your family against a spouse depending on what you are saying without the other person being present. Sometimes a person can be distant etc because they themselves are not happy.

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OP’s family have uninvited him, not op.

poemsandwine · 24/12/2024 15:59

ThisOldThang · 24/12/2024 14:35

Give it a rest.

I've cooked Christmas dinner plenty of times. Since I met my wife, we've done it together unless eating at relatives.

Why do so many women on Mumsnet immediately consider all men to be as shit as the men they've presumably chosen to marry?

In the scenario being discussed, I would be cooking Christmas lunch for me and my two young boys. It would very much be a glorified Sunday lunch.

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more. If OP is so unhappy, she could have made some sort of move over the past five years. This is just game playing. But as she's the woman, it's not questioned.

Original poster
FaradayCage · 25/12/2024 15:37

Blimey, I haven't checked Mumsnet for a few days, and hadn't realised there were so many replies. I'll read them and respond later, but for now the latest update is that we are all at mum's, it's awkward but we are managing. He is sitting with his legs strewn over the arms of the sofa, batting the baubles on the tree with his feet. It's all just as weird as it ever is.

OP posts:
Wolframandhart · 25/12/2024 15:38

FaradayCage · 25/12/2024 15:37

Blimey, I haven't checked Mumsnet for a few days, and hadn't realised there were so many replies. I'll read them and respond later, but for now the latest update is that we are all at mum's, it's awkward but we are managing. He is sitting with his legs strewn over the arms of the sofa, batting the baubles on the tree with his feet. It's all just as weird as it ever is.

Well now you are walking all over your mum’s boundaries. This isnt on at all.

Original poster
FaradayCage · 25/12/2024 15:44

@Wolframandhart She said it was ok for him to come so as not to cause any bad feeling. There is so much behind all of this, I'd be here all day trying to explain.

OP posts:
Wolframandhart · 25/12/2024 15:58

FaradayCage · 25/12/2024 15:44

@Wolframandhart She said it was ok for him to come so as not to cause any bad feeling. There is so much behind all of this, I'd be here all day trying to explain.

You know she didnt mean that. You need to actually deal with this like an adult, and not ruin everyone’s christmas again.

so much to explain. You mean so many excuses. Nobody wanted him there. He wasnt invited and you took him anyway rather than deal with it yourself. If you couldnt not take him you shouldn't have gone at all. It is immature and selfish at this point.

GivingitToGod · 25/12/2024 19:38

FaradayCage · 25/12/2024 15:44

@Wolframandhart She said it was ok for him to come so as not to cause any bad feeling. There is so much behind all of this, I'd be here all day trying to explain.

Hope it was all ok as it could be OP. Day is nearly over

JessicaRabbit6 · 28/12/2024 14:03

FaradayCage · 25/12/2024 15:37

Blimey, I haven't checked Mumsnet for a few days, and hadn't realised there were so many replies. I'll read them and respond later, but for now the latest update is that we are all at mum's, it's awkward but we are managing. He is sitting with his legs strewn over the arms of the sofa, batting the baubles on the tree with his feet. It's all just as weird as it ever is.

Sounds like a child with no respect

perfectcolourfound · 28/12/2024 14:28

Op make it your resolution to get out of the marriage in 2025. Many years ago I made such a resolution at Christmas time. You need to make it happen. It doesn't happen itself. You need to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. Promise yourself that you won't be in this position next Christmas.

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