How to tell dh he's not invited to mum's Christmas dinner

[FaradayCage]

Long back story but we need to separate, all family agree and can't stand him, therefore resulting in massive tension leading up to Christmas. Mum does not want him to go to hers for Christmas dinner. He has been in previous years and she has been polite for my sake and the kids' sake, but she does not want him there this year. Enough is enough. I don't want him there either, but I am 99% sure he'll assume he's coming with us and that he will think there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. There are lots of reasons, but he doesn't see them at all. Anyway, I feel like I can't win, I'm going to give someone / many people a crap day whatever I say or do, or don't say or do.

So you're looking for a way to tell your husband, on Christmas Eve, that his marriage is over and you're spending Christmas without him. And presumably you're anticipating that this is not going to completely ruin Christmas for your kids. Your Mum is being massively unreasonable, and you are for leaving it this late. As far as your kids know, you are still a family, and you're about to make it very clear you're not on Christmas bloody Eve.

I agree with the majority. It is far too late to tell him this. Plus if you are not together you mutually agree who will have the kids; it's not just up to you to decide they will be with you.

For this year I'd say none of you go to your mum's, have a quiet Christmas and discuss your future at a leas emotionally charged time with your husband.

Stay home, with your husband and children. If you want to separate, do that properly. You can't just decide to take the children and he's not welcome, of course he assumes he's spending Christmas with his wife and children if you said you wanted to separate 5 years ago but then didn't? Wouldn't be fair to your children to break up right on Christmas Eve.

Your mum is putting you in a terrible position and some of the suggestions on this thread (assuming no abuse/infidelity) are utterly cruel.

I don't know why you didn't tell him ages ago.

Spend Christmas this year at home with your children. You can rally up some food last minute.

This.please dont do this.

Unless you are actually separated, you can’t leave him out at Christmas. If you want to announce the separation at Christmas, you need to have a plan to leave the home immediately. It will be far too traumatic for the children to be stuck in a household with upset parents. You will need to take the kids and stay somewhere else.

Sorry, but Christmas eve isn't the time to drop this on him regardless of how much you may need to separate.

You need to keep this together for the children one last time and make your plans to separate after Christmas.

This is one of the worst things I have read.
Why have you been bitching about him to your family- telling them awful things about your husband but not actually talking to your husband and doing something about it. Christ,it is so disloyal.
And then wanting to tell him he is not welcome for Christmas with his children- on Christmas eve????
Surely this can't be real?

Act like an adult with actual feelings pleaae.

You’ve gone about this all the wrong way and your behaviour is quite shitty. You’ve come across very vindictive, especially due to your timing, which couldn’t be worse!

What is the position regarding housing and finances. Just wondering if this has anything to do with why neither of you have made the break so far.

If he isn’t invited then you should have told him in advance so he could make alternative plans. As you’re still together it’s normal for him to assume he is coming with you.

Your mum should have told him/should tell him he’s not invited. It’s not fair that she has put her decision on you.

You need to communicate this to him asap. It’s quite unfair to tell him Xmas eve if the status quo is that you would spend Xmas together.

It sounds like you’re done with this relationship but haven’t
communicated that to him either. Mentioning splitting 5yrs ago but carrying on isn’t the same as telling him ifs over.

You made it sound like he knows its actually over, but he has no idea because you discussed it 5 years ago. It's not unreasonable given this that he expects to come to christmaddinner as normal. You should have told him much earlier. Is your brother coming last minute or did you know about this earlier? When did your mum tell you he's no longer welcome? Unless it was yesterday you're being really unfair telling him last minute. If he usually comes to Christmas at your mums your children will expect him to be there and could end up really upset at you or your mum especially if he says he's not welcome. It's too late in the day to do this.

Tell him you want a divorce and he’ll need to sort himself for Christmas.

Sounds like a deadbeat loser who just eats and sleeps and doesn’t engage with his own kids so you owe him nothing.

Why should she? She’s not responsible for him.

You may know you want/plan to separate, but unless he also knows then this is going to be a bit of a surprise for him. And no, a conversation 5 years ago doesn't count as telling him. I had conversations 5 years ago about moving abroad, but I'd re-visit it in discussions before booking plane tickets.

At this stage, your options are:
Press the nuclear button and separate on Christmas Eve.
Tell your mum and brother he has to come and to be civil for one more year.
Cancel going to your mum's.
Tell lies about reasons for withdrawn invitations and hope you don't get caught out (you'll get caught out).

Unless he's an absolute bastard, I'd say you need to either go as a family or stay home as a family.

I'm assuming there's a lot of detail left out here as this makes no sense, and if taken at face value, is actually quite horrible.

Some of the replies on here are horrible. Your mum sounds awful to be putting you in that position, your brother needs to grow up if he can’t control what he says (and if he can’t for medical reasons then why on earth have you bitched to him in the first place). I’m sure you’ll be on with a back story of abuse etc but regardless the fact that you are only considering leaving him out because your mother won’t have him for Christmas is awful. Your poor kids. Have it at home with him, don’t let your mother control you (it’s not up to her when you split but she’s making it) and then discuss it sensibly after Christmas like an adult.

‘Howard Mum doesn’t want you to come for Christmas lunch, we have two options we can make lunch here together with the kids and I’ll pop in and see them with the kids. Or we can go out. In the new year we need to discuss our future, but for now we have this decision to make, what is best for the chikdren’

Let's remember this when MN loses its shit over a man who walks out without communicating.

What you're doing is crap, OP. If your mum doesn't want him in her house, she should tell him.

This. If you can’t do it for him do it for the kids.

@FaradayCage put some food out on the table and tell him you have left his dinner in the kitchen for him. just walk right out the door.

Just say that you are going to your mother's for Christmas and there is food in the freezer for him as he isn't invited to your mother's for Christmas.
If he shows up, you contact the police to get him removed as he isn't welcome and you're separating.