How to tell dh he's not invited to mum's Christmas dinner

[FaradayCage]

Long back story but we need to separate, all family agree and can't stand him, therefore resulting in massive tension leading up to Christmas. Mum does not want him to go to hers for Christmas dinner. He has been in previous years and she has been polite for my sake and the kids' sake, but she does not want him there this year. Enough is enough. I don't want him there either, but I am 99% sure he'll assume he's coming with us and that he will think there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. There are lots of reasons, but he doesn't see them at all. Anyway, I feel like I can't win, I'm going to give someone / many people a crap day whatever I say or do, or don't say or do.

Geez, my ex could be awful, but even I couldn't have done this. Go to your Mum's with DH and hopefully he'll eat and go, don't ruin Christmas for what sounds like maybe 2-3 hours, most of which he'll be asleep. Tell your Mum it's for the kids and that you will be leaving in 2025.

Unless he's dangerous then get out now.

It is bad timing. Assuming no abuse / infidelity on his part I think you and your mum might need to suck it up tomorrow. Even if it means arriving a bit later than usual - just before the lunch - so everyone only has to be polite at the table. You say he falls asleep afterwards and then walks home, so it will only be for an hour or two that you and your mum need to be courteous for the sake of the children.

Your well-meaning brother needs to be told that he mustn’t interfere. It’s not his place. It’s your relationship and it’s your mum’s house. Nothing to do with him.

Today is a working day. You can call a solicitor this morning to get an appointment in early January.

By 25/12/25 you’ll feel so much happier and freer. Think of that when you’re painting on a smile tomorrow for your DC.

Bit late to mention it now , probably better if you have Christmas at home and once the kids have gone to bed tell him that the marriage is now finished for good and start sorting stuff out .

How aware is he that you and your family pretty much assume the relationship is over? If he is well aware then it should be pretty straightforward to explain why he is not invited. If he has no clue, then either tell him now or wait until after christmas, in which case it will be very weird to say to him he can't come without the context of why.

put some food out on the table and tell him you have left his dinner in the kitchen for him. just walk right out the door

how unbelievably inhumane to do that to someone, even if you are on the verge of splitting up.

Season of goodwill? Whatzat!

hopefully the OP is a more decent person than you are.

You split 5 years ago !?

Just tell him. You have had enough that he isn’t going and not welcome.

He has not been invited is actulay the only thing you need to say. ?

Will he move out or you and the kids ?
If him tell Him tell him he has to start looking.
He needs to know it’s finaly over no more wandering around in a blur for another 5 years .

Ffs the husband is NOT invited !

Why would someone go somewhere they are NOT invited and ruin everyone else xmas.

lol why does she have to sort a grown man’s meal ?

Unless there’s a huge back story I’m with Mummyratbag.
Christmas as always this year - you’ve let things drift for 5 years so they can’t be that bad.
Ask Mum to put up with him for the sake of the children,as it will be the last time she’ll have to, and tell him and your brother that they have to be on their best behaviour.

Ffs the husband is NOT invited !

It's Christmas dinner. They are married and have children Ve clearly been together for several years.

Do you expect an individual invitation for every member of your household when visiting family?

I have family coming today for Christmas. I think I gave the 'invitation' to my mum and my sister. I'm assuming that my dad, BIL and nephew will also be coming.

Surely most married couples would make that assumption!

lol why does she have to sort a grown man’s meal

Presumably as he is expecting to be jointing his family for Christmas dinner elsewhere.
So he should be at least told in advance, before shops closed, so that he can buy and organise his own meal.

Will he be happy to just let his children go off on Christmas Day too? I wouldn't!

This has been going on for 5 years and multiple children. Which means the oldest child is probably about 10+.

Do we honestly think the kids would happily walk out the door leaving Dad behind after a massive set too over who's invited and who's not?

Talk about putting your kids in a shit position.

That's as may be but it doesn't sound like the DH knows anything about not being invited,

It's Christmas Eve and he hasn't been told he isn't invited which means he will have to sit on his own with a TV dinner for one.

my point upthread was that the OP should have been really clear much earlier that he isn't invited so he might have been able to make alternative arrangements.

my point that you quoted in response to someone suggesting just announce it as the OP is walking out the door on the way to have her family Christmas, is nasty and mean. And if the roles were reversed it would be a different story.

Pack bags ready and take the kids now on that final words and stay at your mums tonight maybe?

Fair enough.
Yes walking out the door is too late. .

Definitely sounds like there is no communication in the relationship and unless OP explains then we can all just guess and not give appropriate advice .

Tell him now so he's got just about time to go or a quick dash to the supermarket to get Xmas lunch for himself.

If my wife suddenly sprang this shit on me, the kids and I would be staying at home with me cooking lunch. She could fuck off to her mother's on her own.

Why are so many people assuming that OP's husband is just going to wave his kids off on Christmas Day and then stay at home with beans on toast?

It's the OP that is throwing this hand grenade into family life and I think it's her that should consequently suck up Christmas without the kids.

He is lucky she has already wasted five years of her life putting up with him to date, plus the years she has before he mistreated her. Life is too short.

Whilst I think the timing isn’t ideal, he clearly is bloody awful and deserves everything that is coming!

Do you normally cook the Christmas lunch?

this is a lot of anger for a situation that doesnt involve you.

Who says he’s mistreated her? OP says he’s awful and she’s not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal being mistreated 🤷‍♀️. She’s given no details on what constitutes awful.

"Do you normally cook the Christmas lunch?

this is a lot of anger for a situation that doesnt involve you."

I'm quite capable of cooking a glorified Sunday lunch and I'm not angry. I'm simply empathising with the OP's husband.

Perhaps you should give empathy a try?

Op doesn’t have to give details. Her word is enough, her perception of her life is exactly correct, because she is capable of assessing it given it’s her life and her lived experience. The fact her family having tolerated him for years are now refusing to speaks volumes.

Stop playing games OP.
If you want to separate , do it , not just mention it 5 years ago and keep plodding along.
Whilst it’s up to your mum who she invites for Christmas dinner , waiting until the 23rd hour to tell your husband he’s not welcome is cruel. These kinds of toxic games are damaging for your children and a terrible example of healthy relationships.

saying you are quite capable isnt the same as you saying you do.

calling it a glorified Sunday lunch, keeping in mind everything else that christmas day entails, means i absolutely empathise… with your wife.

I'm finding it really really hard to believe the OP hasn't talked about where to have Xmas Dinner and with whom this year before today! Not with her Mum, children or DH!

Simply not remotely feasible.